These Dreams
by moxieandmirth
Summary: A violent attack senior year leaves Bella ready to leave Forks behind & start a new life in L.A. She begins to heal & finds a friend in her new boss, but when Love comes knocking at her door Bella finds herself too haunted by the past to answer. AH/BxE
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. **

"**Love is photogenic, it needs darkness to develop."**

_**This is not a love story, but it is about love. About those who give in to it, and the price they pay. And those who run away from it, because they are afraid, or because they do not believe they're worthy of it. She ran away. He gave in.**_

_~Original Sin, 2001._

"I'm going to miss this smell." 

Jake walked out of the make-shift tin garage carrying the last box of tools. "Only _you_ could actually miss the smell of decaying wood and moldy foliage, Bella." 

Bella rolled her eyes. 

She looked back toward Jake's house with uncertainty. A month ago, Bella was moving 1,000 miles away to Southern California, all by herself. A week ago, Jake half-heartedly contemplated packing up and going with her, even calling up a family friend in Los Angeles to get the scoop on the job market down there. 

Now the two were a mere ten minutes from the fresh start Bella had desperately longed for all summer. It was intimidating. 

The reality of it all was starting to sink in. 

Like cement. 

Setting the box in the bed of Bella's rusted red '55 Ford pickup, Jake saw her breath hitch unevenly, and he poked her in the rib teasingly. She gave him a half-smile, leaning into his chest for a hug. 

"C'mon little sister, it's going to be okay. This will be a great adventure." Jake grinned, wrapping his long arms around Bella and giving her a comforting squeeze. 

"I'm two months older than you," she reminded Jake.

"And a foot shorter. _Little_ sister." Bella stuck out her tongue and Jake winked back.

"You think we got everything?" Arms wrapped tightly around her waist, Bella's anxious eyes were fixed on the bed of her beat-up truck. Jake's motorcycle, tools, and mattress took up the center of the bed. Shoved around that, and piled high, were a lamp and coffee table from Charlie and a few dozen boxes of clothes and personal effects. It was all secured haphazardly with nylon rope and bungee cords and blanketed with a blue vinyl tarp. 

"I sure as hell hope so, Bells," Jake chuckled. He placed his hands on Bella's shoulders briefly before turning his gaze to the house. He wouldn't let Bella see, but he was just as anxious about this journey as she was. Forks was all he'd ever known. He'd lived in the same place, in the same _house_, his entire life. 

He walked up to the porch where Billy, his father, sat pensively. Bella followed. 

"All set?" Billy asked. 

Jake nodded, peering into his father's russet-colored face, trying to memorize every line and mark. He knew he would not be able to afford to come home for some time, and Billy's health was not good enough to be making 20-hour car trips to come see him.  
He would miss his father. He hoped that he would be able to make him proud. 

Billy reached out and grasped Jake's large hand in both of his. "Drive careful, son. You call me or Charlie when you stop tonight, let us know where you are." 

Jake nodded. 

"Bella, don't you take any crap from this boy." 

"I never do," she winked, leaning in to embrace Billy in his wheelchair. 

Bella's father, Charlie, and Billy were life-long friends. Bella and Jake grew up together; fishing every Saturday, spending holidays together, making mud pies in the backyard while Billy and Charlie watched a Mariner's game and knocked back a case of beer. 

As kids, they had fought like cats and dogs. When they were seven, Jake had tossed Bella into Dickey Lake for saying that baseball was the stupidest sport ever. When they were twelve, Bella caught Jake trying to catch a peek at her as she changed out of her swimsuit, and she punched him in the eye. 

But after Jake's mom died, their relationship changed. Bella and Charlie had been abandoned by her mother, Renee, when she was just a toddler, so she knew what it was like not to have a mother. Their shared loss strengthened their relationship. The two eventually became as close as siblings – maybe closer. Jake knew Bella's menstrual cycle by heart. Bella knew where Jake hid his porn. 

And which one was his favorite. 

And why. 

It was this level of intimacy that left people unsure about what to make of the two of them. They definitely didn't look like siblings. Bella was short, thin, quiet, and awkward. She had ivory skin, pouty pink lips, and long chestnut hair. On the other hand, Jake was tall, dark and handsome, with russet skin, strong shoulders, six-pack abs, a used car salesman's smile, and a deep, powerful voice that contradicted his naturally cheerful disposition. But that's how Billy and Charlie treated them, and what they came to call each other – brother and sister. They were like a Tim Burton version of the Berenstain Bears, minus the overalls and polka dots – dark but wholesome, sweet but odd, easy but complex, and never what people expected. 

An old loft was waiting for them over the garage Jake had been hired at. Billy's long-time friend, Quil, owned an auto repair shop in Culver City and was in need of a mechanic with motorcycle experience. Above his shop was 700 square feet of office space currently going unused, except for a few boxes of old invoices and business documents. Quil described it as one open room with a sink, fridge, shower, toilet, and a closet. He also said they could have it for $400 a month, utilities included. 

Jake eagerly said they'd take it. He'd been on the internet researching housing in L.A. Apartments were going for three times that much. Sight unseen, he was just happy to know they had a roof to sleep under when they got there. 

Bella the art geek, however, was in heaven. She didn't care if the place _didn't_ have a roof – she just wanted to be in Los Angeles, finding and visiting every museum, art gallery, and library within a 50 mile radius. 

Mostly, though, she was just happy to know she was putting 1,000 miles between herself and James Marsh. Happy to go back to being invisible. A summer's worth of whispers and speculation in their small town was more than she could stand. 

It was almost 8 a.m. now, 40 degrees out and drizzling. Bella was freezing and anxious to get on the road. She'd already said her goodbyes to Charlie the night before, before he left for his first graveyard shift in nearly six months. Charlie was a Forks police officer, and after Bella's graduation, he'd refused to take an evening shift for any reason. Since Bella was moving out, he'd agreed to go back to his old schedule. 

Bella said goodbye to Billy, and promised _she_ would call when they stopped for the night. Jake rolled his eyes. 

Because he was "the man", Jake insisted on driving. Bella herself had never driven any farther than Seattle, and knew if she was sitting shotgun she'd have control over the music for most of the trip, so she feigned a reluctant submission and tossed Jake her keys. 

Charlie had bought the truck from Billy when Bella turned 16. It had no radio, so Jake wired a used stereo/CD player all half-assed into it shortly after she got it. As long as the beast would play music, she didn't care how it happened. 

Charlie, however, did care. For her 17th birthday, he had a real stereo system installed. It even had an auxiliary jack for her iPod. The twenty hours it would take them to arrive in L.A. was starting to seem very long to her; she was suddenly very grateful for the stereo. She'd have to remember to thank Charlie again. 

She dug her iPod out of her bag and plugged it into the stereo, choosing her "WAKE THE F*** UP" playlist. It was full of screaming chicks, heavy metal, and hideous but contagious popular dance tunes. Early Metallica came through the truck's speakers with force as Jake turned the key in the ignition. Jake grinned. Billy frowned. Bella clapped delightedly. 

Bella's big fancy digital SLR camera rode with them in the cab. She dropped the empty black camera bag onto the floorboard as Jake backed out of the driveway. She popped the lens cap off of the camera and held it in her lap. 

Jake threw the truck into drive and they were off, down the long dirt road leading to the highway, leaving behind nothing, hopefully, but memories and a long cloud of dust. Bella twisted in the seat to snap a photo of Jake's house as it faded from sight, just as she had done with her house earlier that morning. 

When Jake turned left onto the highway, Bella released a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. 

They were officially gone. 

From behind the seat of their vintage getaway vehicle, Jake suddenly produced a large, flat cardboard box. He passed it to Bella, who glanced at it once distractedly, and then a second time with a chuckle. 

"Breakfast, brother?" she inquired. 

"Don't throw away your pepperoni, I want it." 

They split a large cold pizza as Jake headed for Highway 101. Bella peeled the circles of pepperoni off her pizza and tossed them into the box. Jake popped them in his mouth. 

When they were done, they briefly debated where to stash the box. Bella wanted Jake to pull over somewhere so she could throw it away. Jake dared Bella to flip the empty box out of the truck window. She accidentally hit a man on a bicycle with the box, forcing him to swerve off the road and into a road sign. 

Bella gasped and covered her face in embarrassment; Jake laughed so hard he almost drove into a tree. 

About five hours later, just outside of Portland, the pair stopped for gas. Jake pumped while Bella purchased some snacks and soda from the mini-mart and strolled around the lot with her camera. She took random pictures – Jake pumping gas, the highway, a phone booth, a packet of ketchup that had exploded on the ground. 

Bella controlled the iPod the entire trip, alternating between Jake's favorites and hers, surprising him with a playlist full of music they'd grown up listening to – Rolling Stones, Sam Cooke, Queen, Fleetwood Mac, The Police, INXS. She sang nearly every song. Jake laughed, sometimes joining her at the chorus, sometimes making fun of her singing. When his ribbing got to be too much for Bella, she started throwing the soda bottles and balled up food wrappers at him. 

She took pictures of road signs, 18-wheelers, and anything else that amused her as Jake drove down the interstate. They stopped again four hours later in Grants Pass, refilling the tank and then heading into a fast-food joint in the same parking lot for a quick dinner. 

"We're over half-way there," Bella mumbled as she reviewed a map of the Pacific Coast. "Redding's like two and a half hours away…we can spend the night there, if you want, and continue on in the morning." 

Jake shifted his gaze from the greasy cheeseburger in his hands to Bella, a question on his face. Redding had no significance to him. 

"There's this bridge I want to see," she shrugged. Jake nodded and took another giant bite of his burger. Bella eventually put the map down, picking apart her fries. 

Jake swallowed loudly. "What's on your mind, sis?" 

Bella shrugged again. "It finally feels like we've _left_. In the truck I don't think it had really hit me." 

"You feeling alright about it?" 

"Yeah. Yeah. I'm good. I needed this. Just weird, you know? I mean, we're like ten hours from home, either way you look at it. We're literally half-way between our old life and our new life, right now." 

"What's weirder – what you're leaving behind, or what you're moving toward?" Jake asked between bites. 

Bella took a long drink of her soda and picked apart a fry. She looked up to find Jake watching her face, waiting for an answer. _Weird good, weird bad…which is weirder?_ She had no words to answer that. 

Jake nodded to her tray. "You need to eat." 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jake drove through Redding about 9 p.m. and checked them into a Motel 6 just off the interstate. Bella had packed a backpack with toothbrushes, deodorant, and a change of clothes for each of them, and dug it out of the truck bed. 

In the room, Bella claimed the bed closest to the door as Jake turned on lights. "You sure you don't want this bed, Bells?" he asked. "You're going to freeze by that A/C tonight." 

"I wanna be by the door," she mumbled, digging through the backpack for pajamas. She pulled out navy striped flannel pants, her toothbrush, and the toothpaste. She walked into the bathroom to change, passing Jake sitting on the other bed, and giving him a look that said she didn't want to talk about it. 

Jake rubbed his hand over his face and followed her with his eyes until the bathroom door closed. He sighed. 

She exited the bathroom in her pajama pants and the same t-shirt she'd worn all day, her bra and jeans rolled up in her right hand. Her long hair was wound in a messy bun. Jake headed for the bathroom to brush his teeth and change. Bella set the clothes on the hotel dresser, removing a small canister of pepper spray from her jeans pocket and slipping it under the pillow on the bed. 

She double-checked the hotel room door to ensure it was locked, and inspected the window as well. She set the A/C on low, and folded down the bedding on her bed. 

She heard the shower and realized she had a few minutes to herself. She sat on the bed cross-legged, back straight, right hand in the left hand, palms upwards, with the tips of her thumbs slightly raised and gently touching. Her eyes partially closed, Bella turned her attention to her breathing. 

She did as she had learned in therapy – breathing away all disturbing thoughts and distractions with each exhale, breathing in blessings and inspiration with each inhale, focusing on nothing but her breathing and those visualizations. She did this 21 times, then opened her eyes slowly. She was surprised to see Jake standing across the room, watching her curiously. She hadn't heard the shower shut off. 

"Hi," she said lamely. Jake chuckled. 

"I know you do that every night, but it's just kind of trippy to watch. You get so into it, you don't notice anything else going on," he said, drying his short dark hair with a towel. He was wearing red pajama pants and nothing else. Beads of water clung to his dark, bare skin, as it had much of the summer. They had spent much time on the beach, although, unlike Jake, Bella's skin showed no evidence of it. 

Bella rolled her neck and stretched her arms way over her head before crawling under the covers. Jake finished drying off, set the alarm on his cell phone for the morning, and tossed the phone to Bella. She caught it, surprised. 

"_You_ were going to call the dads, remember?" he said teasingly. 

"Oh, yeah." 

Bella called Billy first. He thanked her for calling and made her promise to call the next night when they got to L.A. The call to Charlie took longer. He wanted to know how the truck was running, where they stopped for the night, and when they were leaving in the morning. 

"I miss you already, Bells." 

"Eh, there's still plenty of food in the fridge," she replied dismissively. "You won't be missing me for at least four days." She smiled as she spoke, and Charlie chuckled. Bella heard him putting on his uniform jacket. 

"I gotta get to work, but you call me tomorrow, okay?" 

"I will, Dad. Goodnight." 

"Night, Bella." 

Bella flipped the cell phone closed and tossed it back to Jake, who set it on the nightstand between the two beds. He had turned off all lights but the one between them. 

He looked at Bella for a long moment, his forehead wrinkled in thought. "You need anything tonight, you wake me up," he finally said. 

Bella nodded and gave him a small smile. She pulled the bedding up over her and curled up on her side. Jake turned off the lamp and rolled onto his stomach. They both fell asleep quickly. 

Just before dawn, Jake awoke. 

Bella had always talked in her sleep. Ever since the first time they'd had to spend the night together, when Billy and Charlie went fishing down the coast and they stayed with Billy's friend Sue Clearwater. Sometimes she'd talk and toss and turn all night. But the screaming… well, that was new. 

"Bella. Bella. BELLA!" He shook her shoulders, trying to rouse her. She woke with a start, sitting straight up, eyes wide. 

"Bella," Jake whispered. Bella blinked several times, feeling disoriented, and then frowned, rubbing the scar on the back right side of her scalp. 

"Bells," Jake started softly. "You were having a nightmare." That tidbit of information didn't appear to clear up anything for her; she still looked confused. Jake ran one hand through his short dark hair, unsure what to do. "Uh… hotel room... on our way to L.A… you were screaming in your sleep. I woke you up." His brows furrowed, watching Bella's face, feeling completely ill-equipped to handle whatever the hell had just happened. 

Bella's expression was panicked for a moment, and then the tears kicked in. Jake wanted to ask what had happened, he wanted to know what to do for her, he wanted to know what damned time it was… instead he just pulled her into his lap and wrapped his long arms around her. 

It took a long time but Bella fell asleep again, in Jake's arms, cheeks still wet from crying. Still not sure what he was supposed to do, but afraid to let her go, he laid down on the bed next to her, over the covers, and fell asleep, too. 

At 7 a.m., the alarm on Jake's cell phone went off. He groaned and started to roll off the bed to shut it off when he felt a hand pull him back onto the bed. 

"Sleep," Bella slurred groggily. "I'm shower. Wake you up few." She rolled out of the bed, shutting off the alarm and grabbing the backpack off the dresser. Jake yanked the blankets from her side of the bed up over him and drifted back to sleep. 

In the shower, Bella let the hot water run through her hair and down her back. She took her time, willing the water to calm her nerves. She dressed slowly and blow-dried her hair. Her head was throbbing, so she dug through her backpack for some aspirin, grateful to find a bottle in the very bottom of the bag. She pulled Jake's clean clothes and toiletries out of the backpack, setting them on his bed, and then packed the rest of their stuff into the backpack before waking him. 

He was rolled up in the blankets, snoring softly. Bella allowed herself a small smile at the peaceful image, and then woke him the only way she'd ever woken him – with a pillow to the head. "Damn, Bella, what the hell?" He groaned. 

"I'm all done in the bathroom. You're up. We're leaving in 20 minutes." 

Jake rubbed his face with his right hand and yawned. "I'll be ready in five." He sat up slowly and glanced around the room. Bella had packed everything up except for a pile of clothes on the other bed. He turned on the ceiling lights in the hotel room, grabbed the clothes and went to the bathroom to change. 

Bella felt tense and anxious. The dream had her mind in a bad place. She sat cross-legged on her bed and tried to meditate, but each time she closed her eyes, she felt like she was being thrown across the room. It made her dizzy. So she shifted her attention to her maps, figuring out the best way to get to Sundial Bridge. 

The Sundial Bridge was an architectural masterpiece built in Redding, California in 2004. Bella had remembered reading about it on the internet and had always wanted to see it. The deck of the bridge was paved in a gorgeous, opaque, aqua-colored glass. The 217-foot pylon was a functioning sundial. And the suspension-style prevented it from impacting the local salmon breeding. Apparently that was a good thing. 

Jake was not so much interested in the bridge. It was too early, he was under caffeinated, and he wasn't particularly impressed with the efforts to protect the area's salmon. He found himself a ledge to lean against and stared, uninterested, down at the Sacramento River. 

But Bella… Bella had a ball. She snapped several dozen pictures of the bridge as the sun rose, throwing shadows and colors across the river. She even snapped one of Jake pulling his beanie down over his eyes, and took a severely angled self-portrait with just sky and pylon towering behind her. She rescued Jake from his boredom after a half hour, grabbing him by the arm and suggested they get on the road. 

Jake got them breakfast burritos and coffee at a drive-thru on their way back to the interstate, and they were on their way to L.A. by 9 a.m. 

Bella eagerly took pictures of cars, signs, and farms they passed. They stopped once at a fruit stand for snacks and drinks, and shortly after, for a bathroom break and gas at a nameless off-ramp. She had all but forgotten her dream. 

Jake, however, had not. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks to everyone who kept reading... this is a B&E story, but it will take a couple chapters for the pair to meet. Please stay with me - I tried to hurry them up, but they wouldn't listen. Besides, Alice introduces herself this chapter. And we all love Alice, no?**

**I should note also that I have three loverly friends helping me by betaing this story, and I am incredibly lucky to have them.**

**I feel like I should have made all these notes in the first chapter, but I have no idea what I'm doing yet, so I guess this is just a bonus for you guys who kept reading. My intent is to update chapters weekly. This is rated M for some violence, some unpleasant topics, and, of course, LEMONS. I can't take you through the hard stuff without rewarding you with smut, can I?**

**Okay, shutting up. Thanks for being here.**

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Bella was scrolling through the iPod looking for her Classic Rock playlist. She was in the mood for something old and comforting she could sing along with. The first song on the list was Old Black Water. Bella wrapped her hair up in a messy bun and sat back, sighing happily, her head resting on the back of the seat. She rolled her head to look at Jake, and realized her mistake immediately.

"Bella?" Jake kept glancing over at Bella as he drove. Bella rolled her head the other way and looked out the window dejectedly. She knew what he wanted. She'd just hoped that she could get to Los Angeles before he asked. Now she was trapped in the cab of a pick-up truck, unable to escape. She closed her eyes, wishing hard for a high-speed car chase, a meteor, a naked man in the middle of the road… _anything_ that would delay this conversation.

Jake glanced at Bella one more time and sighed. "Fuck, Bella. I know you don't want to talk about it. But last night… I mean… I don't know what to do with that." Bella shook her head minutely, staring at the hills and trees they passed.

She offered him nothing. He rubbed his hand over his face nervously as he stared out the windshield. "Okay, the dream…it was about James?" Jake's eyes went to Bella as he asked, and she gave a small nod, not looking at him.

"Is that normal?" He paused. "You know, I mean, does that happen often?" She gave a small shrug, still staring out the window.

"Kay…," he sighed. "Well, is there anything I need to know? Anything I need to do?"

Startled, irritated, grateful, and sad, Bella finally looked at Jake. His concern was touching, but felt intrusive. Charlie had not said much of anything after graduation, with two exceptions – how the plea/sentencing was going, and confirming that she made it to her therapy sessions. She felt embarrassed that he had witnessed her nightmare, and anxious that he might be seeing reruns relatively frequently.

He took his eyes off the road to glance at her again, and her glossy brown eyes were focused on him, her expression inexplicable. His forehead creased as his eyes returned to the road.

Bella turned off the music, and answered him in a quiet voice. "Listen, Jake. Sometimes I have nightmares. Sometimes they're like that, and sometimes they're not," she said, remembering the weeks after graduation, when she woke up either screaming or crying almost nightly. Charlie would come running into the room to wake her, and she'd cry herself back to sleep. After a while, he'd stopped rushing in, and left her alone with her nightmares. "There's really nothing you can do. I'm sorry if I scared you, and I'm sorry I woke you up."

Jake gave her an irritated glance but she'd returned to looking out the window. What the hell was she apologizing for? He hated when she did that. It made him feel like the bad guy for asking, for caring. He twisted the cap off his soda bottle and chugged the rest of it, then let out a long, wet burp. He tossed the empty bottle on the floorboard.

"What are they about?" he eventually asked, as gently as he could muster.

Bella sighed, briefly entertaining the fantasy of jumping out of a moving vehicle. On TV, she knew, they kind of rolled out and kept their arms tucked in… if she could convince him to slow down a little bit, she might be able to pull it off with minimum bone breakage… unless she broke her legs, in which case she'd be at his mercy for eight weeks instead of a few more hours… Damn.

"Jake, I really don't want to have this conversation."

"I know, Bells," Jake said softly. "I just want to…" he paused, trying to figure out how to word it right. Finally he just said what he was thinking. "You've got a lot to work through and you can't do it alone, Bella. Want to or not, you need to talk about this shit."

_Talk, talk, talk. Everybody wants to talk about it. All that does is keep bringing it to the surface!_ She hugged her arms around her body and clenched her fists. She _had_ fucking talked! She gave her statement at the police department, enduring the humiliation of her father knowing all the horrific details of that night. She told Jake the abridged version. She talked to a therapist twice a week; talked about it forwards, backwards, and sideways. She talked, she cried, she carried around her pepper spray, she tossed out all her skirts and dresses, she meditated every night, _nothing helped._ She still couldn't stand to be far from the exit of any room, she still had the nightmares. She still got migraine headaches, she still couldn't smell blood without wanting to vomit. She still saw James' face, sometimes, when she closed her eyes. Things were never going to be right, and no amount of talking would change that.

"You _know_ what happened," she snapped at him.

"What are the dreams about?" he repeatedly softly, ignoring her tone.

"Ugh!" she cried in frustration, throwing her hands up in the air, tears forming in her eyes. "Fine! You want to know what I dream about? I dream of all the signs I missed, or chose to ignore. All the opportunities I had to walk away and wasted. Prom and football games and all the things I should have had while I was wasting two years of high school with a bunch of burnouts." Bella wrapped her arms back around her torso, desperately trying to hold back the tears. Her voice lowered until Jake could barely hear it above the roar of the truck's engine.

"I dream about the look on my father's face when he found me." Bella choked on a sob as that image filled her head, and the tears would be held back no longer. "I dream about him, or _you_, going after James and getting hurt. I dream about James getting out of prison. I dream about all the times I should have known, I should have seen, and didn't. Of all the people that he hurt, while I said nothing. But mostly," her voice dropped to a near whisper, "I dream about graduation night."

They had shaved around the wound in the O.R. that night to clean and stitch it up, and when her hair was down, the shorter strands of hair, now about three inches long, were unnoticeable. However, when up in a bun or ponytail, the short hairs tended to stick out unless she remembered to pin them back. They tickled her hand now as she stared angrily out the side window, tears streaming down her face, her fingers tracing the scar in her scalp.

"Every way I went wrong," she breathed, mostly speaking to herself at that point. "All the paths I could have taken that would _not_ have resulted in that night."

Jake frowned and changed lanes, passing a motorhome with six bicycles strapped to the back.

_Fuck,_ he thought._ Well, you asked, asshole. Nice going._

"Bella, there isn't anything you did wrong, or anything you could have done to change what happened. You have to know that." He tried to invoke authority into his voice, make her believe what he was saying.

Bella glared out the window through her tears. _He doesn't get it. No one does._ She reached blindly across the seat for her iPod, and turned it back on, letting the music fill the cab. Jake gave up on the conversation with a heavy breath, and she practiced her calming breathing technique, curled up and blurry eyed against the passenger door.

Bella inaudibly cried herself to sleep and Jake made it to Santa Clarita before having to fill up the tank again. Bella woke up when the truck door slammed shut. She watched him exit the mini-mart with a couple bottles of water and an armful of junk food.

He came around the driver's side and dumped his loot on the seat before pumping. Bella snatched up the Snickers bar off the seat, trying to contain a smirk, and held it up to him in question.

"A peace offering?" he shrugged, trying to play it cool. Snickers were her favorite. Bella allowed herself a small smile and tore open the wrapper. Jake chuckled softly. "Thank God. Listen, Bells, you know I love you. I'm sorry."

Bella nodded, her face pointed down into her lap. She raised the candy bar in front of her, almost as if she were making a toast, then took a bite. Jake took that an acceptance of his apology.

Sadly, the last hour of the trip was dark. Bella could read the freeways signs and see the lights of the valley, but she could take no pictures. She made a mental note to drive down this highway again soon, just to see what it looked like. When they merged onto the I-405, she got butterflies in her stomach. When they exited the freeway, she was practically vibrating with excitement.

Jake did not share her enthusiasm. He was tired and cranky. From the moment they merged onto the I-405, he started throwing out random complaints. "Thank God. My ass is falling asleep and the gas pedal on this thing is scorching hot. I think my boot melted. You're going to help me unload the truck. I'm starving, let's order a pizza as soon as we get the keys to the place. Why are you bouncing?"

Bella wasn't listening. They were _here_.

At 2:00 a.m., Jake and Bella were sitting on his bare mattress in a half-finished office/storage space above Culver City Auto, nursing a couple of beers and a pepperoni pizza.

The garage downstairs was Jake's new place of business, six days a week. To hear him tell it, he was starring as their new bike mechanic. Billy's friend Quil had met them at the garage and showed them into their makeshift loft apartment. Then he took Jake on a tour of the place, explaining all of the bike work he'd been referring elsewhere, and how much Jake's skills would help the shop. He handed Jake two sets of keys and said he'd see him Monday morning at 8:00am.

Jake and Bella hauled their belongings upstairs and piled them up against the lone brick wall, opposite the kitchen. And by kitchen, Quil meant three hanging cabinets over a short counter with a small sink, a tiny almond-colored refrigerator on the left, and a free-standing stove that looked like a set prop from _That 70's Show_. It was mustard yellow, shoved up against the right side of the cabinets. Bella noticed the sink had no garbage disposal.

The wall behind the kitchen, and the two adjacent walls, were dry-walled but unpainted. The brick wall appeared original to the structure, rust and copper and gray all mixed together in a simple, straight pattern. It framed two large yellowed windows. The two long walls both had two windows as well – the front two overlooked the shop's parking lot. The back two overlooked lifeless brick industrial buildings and factories. None of the windows had screens, but they did open.

Having finished off half of a six-pack with Jake, and not eaten much all day, Bella was feeling pretty tipsy. She wobbled to the doorway to the right of the kitchen area. The bathroom was just to the right of the stove – a dark tiny closet of a room with just a toilet, a shower, and a sink. The shower looked fairly new, and it practically _sparkled_ next to the rusty old toilet. In place of a medicine cabinet was one large, warped, scratched up mirror. As she made use of the facilities, Bella wondered when Quil had decided to turn this place into a loft, and how much thought he'd really put into it. She made a mental note to search the storage closet for paint and cleaning products in the morning, and stumbled back to the mattress, laying with her arms wrapped around her pillow. She was still in her jeans and hoodie, and didn't care.

Jake gulped down the last of his beer, tossing the bottle in the pizza box, and the box onto the floor. "We'll buy a futon tomorrow." Bella nodded drowsily. "Move your skinny ass over." Bella scooted to her left, making room for Jake to lay next to her.

"Don't be checking out my ass," Bella teased.

"According to the rules I have set in my mind, you have no ass," Jake yawned. Bella chuckled and rolled over, turning her back to him, curling up into her pillow.

"G'night, bro."

"'Night, Bells."

At five in the morning, the sound of distant trains woke her from a hazy but uneasy dream. Her initial panic subsided slowly as she tried to wake up and get her bearings. Waking up in an unfamiliar place sucked.

She looked to her right, where Jake was sprawled out on his stomach, half on the mattress and half on the floor, snoring. She had cotton mouth from too much beer and cheap pizza. The hardwood floors were dusty and cold under her bare feet as she made her way to the kitchen, her path being lit by the moonlight coming through the windows. The faucet made a loud rattling sound when she turned it on. Bella looked back at Jake, but he didn't stir. With no cups on hand, she cupped her hands, got herself a quick drink, and shut off the water.

It wasn't daylight yet, but the sky was starting to hold some light. It had gone from a deep Prussian blue to a dark rust color, and Bella could hear dump trucks and delivery trucks on the streets below. She crossed the loft to the brick wall and quietly pushed a box up to the left window. She sat on it cross-legged and watched the city awaken below her.

_This is home_, she sighed. She looked around the loft in the almost-light of just before dawn. _Needs work,_ she smirked to herself, making a mental list of things to shop for once she found a Salvation Army or Goodwill store. She silently brainstormed how to break up the space into living and sleeping quarters. Then she returned her eyes to the window and the city below, and witnessed her first California sunrise.

"Hey bro, I got breakfast," Emmett called from the kitchen.

Edward closed the front door and tossed his keys on the table in the foyer of their Westwood condo. "Be down in ten," he responded in Emmett's general direction. He ran upstairs to his room where he removed his running shoes and sweaty clothes, and hopped into the shower.

When he came downstairs a short time later, he found Emmett sitting at the island reading a textbook and drinking from a Starbucks paper cup. There were two small paper bags and another coffee in front of him. Edward grabbed the coffee and opened the bags to see what was inside. Muffins. Hopping up on a stool, he took a big bite of the muffin and practically chugged the coffee.

"Long run," Emmett observed, retrieving the other muffin and taking a bite.

Edward shrugged. In fact, he'd completed his normal run twice that morning. Eleven miles total. Edward was a runner, he loved it, but runs that long weren't for exercise – they were for thinking. Everyone close to Edward knew that.

"What's on your mind?" Emmett inquired.

"Just needed to clear my head. Finals this week, and unlike _you_, I care about my grades. Statistics and Chemistry are killing me. I'll be on campus studying most of the day."

"Useless classes," Emmett scoffed. "Running isn't going to help you, anyway. You need to get _laid_, my brother."

"Well, we can't all be drafted into the NFL," Edward said, swallowing a bite of muffin and ignoring Emmett's last comment.

"That's true. You might as well be a healer. Because you throw like a girl."

"I can catch your passes all day, big brother. And I'll beat you across the field, too." He tossed the muffin wrapper and paper bag in the garbage. "Will Rosalie be over tonight?"

Emmett gave a singular nod, shoving the rest of his muffin into his mouth. Edward nodded in acknowledgement. Emmett was crazy about his girlfriend, Rosalie, but Edward found her to be a stereotypical Southern California bronzed blonde bombshell, emphasis on _shell_. Gorgeous, no doubt, a fact of which she was all too aware, and very bright, but she was as shallow as a kiddie pool. Edward inwardly sighed with relief that his buddies had planned a baseball game that night at the park near the university. He wouldn't have to hear the Princess running her mouth all night long.

Edward grabbed his coffee cup and got up from his seat. "I'll see you later," he mumbled, running back upstairs and sliding his textbooks and laptop into his brown leather messenger bag. He could study at home, but at the campus bookstore there was noise and coffee, too. Critical elements for successful exam-cramming. He jogged down to the garage, hopped in his silver Volvo, and headed for school.

Bella blew a little over $200 of her savings at the Salvation Army on their first day in town. Jake loaded the truck up with her purchases – a small white stand for the microwave, a slightly-trashed square oak coffee table, six sets of curtains in various shades of brown and beige, a green velour cushioned lounge chair, a silver floor lamp, shelves for the bathroom, sheets, blankets, towels, and a few miscellaneous items to cook with and eat off of, and an opened gallon of white latex paint. The kitchen stuff was highly important, if you asked Jake. The furniture, eh, nice to have. The half-used can of paint, not so much. Who even donates a half of a can of paint to the Salvation Army? Really? But it was Bella's shopping spree. He was just the manual labor.

She insisted they stop for paint supplies as their next stop. Jake saw more manual labor in his future.

They found a futon and mattress store on Santa Monica Boulevard, where they picked out a nice futon that could double as a sofa during the day. Jake picked out a wood-framed display piece that was 50% off, and loaded it into the truck. As he suspected, Jake spent the rest of the day painting all of their new old furniture white, while Bella unpacked boxes and then scrubbed down the kitchen with cleaning supplies she found in the storage closet.

Monday morning, Jake made the short walk downstairs to his new job. Bella cleaned the rest of the loft, spending extra time on the bathroom. And that's pretty much how the first week in L.A. went. Jake went downstairs to work, and Bella either cleaned up around the loft or explored the libraries and museums in the area. She didn't start school until the first week of January, so until then she wanted to make the most of her free time and absorb as much culture as she could find. Keeping her mind busy was an added bonus.

On Friday Bella drove up to the UCLA campus. She wandered around for a couple hours, familiarizing herself with the layout. She'd pre-registered when she was still in Forks, so she just needed to sign a few forms, get her ID, and buy her books. The door chimed as she entered the Campus Bookstore, and a short, dark-haired pixie of a girl greeted her from behind the counter.

"Are you here to get your textbooks?" the girl asked cheerfully. Bella nodded shyly, glancing at the class schedule she had in her hand. Bella looked back up to find the girl standing before her, hand outstretched. Trying to mask the surprise at how quickly the girl crossed the room, Bella cautiously extended her hand and shook.

"I'm Alice."

"Bella."

"Bella, you have amazing eyes," Alice commented.

Never good at compliments, Bella smiled uncomfortably. "Oh, uh, thanks."

Alice smiled warmly in return. "Okay, let's see your list." She grabbed Bella's schedule and headed down the first aisle, plucking a book off of a high shelf without even looking at it. She continued on, commenting on the pros and cons of each course and professor she was familiar with, along with recommended seating choices for each class as she practically floated up and down the aisles, gracefully handing Bella various texts, study guides and workbooks.

In a gray hoodie, jeans, and hiking boots, Bella grimaced as she followed Alice through the store. She had never considered herself particularly beautiful or fashionable, but next to Alice she felt like an outright ogre. Alice was wearing what Bella assumed was a couture dress in a semi-sheer green color, paired with knee-high black leather boots. Her black spiky hair had that sexy just-out-of-bed thing going on, and fell to her chin, perfectly framing the delicate features of her face. Bella noticed that her eyes were a remarkable shade of amber as she turned around and placed another set of books in her arms. "Of course, when in doubt, you should always sit in the far corner." Alice's voice pulled Bella out of her thoughts.

_Not a chance,_ Bella thought. But she was curious about Alice's advice, nonetheless. "Oh? Why is that?"

"Well, a _certain_ med student around here likes to sit in the far back corner in all of his classes. And even here in the coffee lounge," Alice answered with a kittenish smirk. Bella looked across the store, where a small coffee kiosk was set up with a dozen or so small round tables with diner chairs, and extra lounge chairs were sprinkled along the back and right wall. "So if you sit in the far back corner, you might just find yourself sharing pencils with McDreamy."

Alice spun around and practically floated toward the cash register. Bella followed and dumped the books on the counter, shaking her wrists and wiggling her fingers. She'd been carrying the ever-increasing pile around behind Alice for twenty minutes, and her hands had started to tingle. "You're joking about the McDreamy bit, right?" Bella asked, pulling her school ID out of her pocket.

Alice pretended to be very serious. "I _never_ joke about beautiful soon-to-be-doctors."

The bookstore was pretty much empty, save for the occasional student wandering in for coffee. Alice bagged Bella's purchase and it sat on the counter between them for over an hour while small talk turned into getting-to-know-you talk, turned into downright girl talk. Alice inquired about Bella's hometown in Washington, and her father. When she inquired about Bella's boyfriend, Bella quickly changed the subject to Alice's parents.

Alice told Bella about her foster parents and siblings. "Do you know where your parents were from?" Bella inquired.

"I don't remember them. I don't remember anything before age seven, really. I know I was moved through three foster homes before I got to Peter and Charlotte, but they have been my parents as long as I far back as I remember. Riley is their biological son, and they took in our little sister Bree a year after I arrived. That's my family." Alice shrugged and gave a small smile.

By this time Bella had migrated half way around the counter and was standing next to Alice, and she gave her shoulder a squeeze. She couldn't remember the last time she'd had a genuine conversation with another female. It felt awkward and intimate and really… _good._ Bella wondered what it would have been like if her mother had not left. Alice grinned, leaning into Bella, and the thought passed.

Alice looked down at the white device clipped to Bella's pocket. "Ooh, let me see your iPod," Alice exclaimed. Bella unclasped it from her jeans and handed it over to Alice, who skimmed through the artists critically. Bella quickly realized they had similar tastes in music, because Alice's face lit up several times as she scrolled through.

"Wow, Bella, you have, like, _everything_ in here. Southern rock, ska, punk, reggae, jazz, blues, fusion, rock, country, everything but the kitchen sink!" Alice looked up at her with a huge smile. "And some of my favorite bands, too. I am very impressed. You have great taste in music."

"Uh, thanks," Bella chuckled, taking the iPod back and re-clipping it to her jeans.

"My boyfriend, Jasper, is one of the best musicians in Los Angeles. His band, Ape Centennial, plays gigs every Thursday night in Santa Monica, and they host after-hours parties in Carson at this warehouse he works at. They are really good, Bella. Actually, they're playing at a pub in Burbank tomorrow night, you should come with!"

Bella's eyes lit up, thinking about the time her dad drove her into Seattle for a music festival, and the few times the Quileute boys had played sloppy rock'n'roll around a campfire back home. But she'd never been to a show in L.A., or to a club/pub/bar, anywhere, _ever_, and she wanted to see what that would be like. She also didn't know how long this girl-time would last, and she wanted to prolong it as much as possible. "That sounds great, sure."

Just then the door chimed, and Alice turned to greet the customer entering. Her smile grew, and she winked at Bella and nodded toward the door. Bella turned to see the person walking into the store. He was dressed in dark blue jeans and a slim-fitting thin gray t-shirt, but he might as well have been naked, the way the women in the coffee shop gawked at him. Bella found herself struggling not to gawk, as well. He was at least six feet tall, with broad rippling shoulders, a round, perky ass, and green eyes. He had the jaw line of a male model. _And his hair! _Despite his polished casual attire, his head was a messy mop of auburn hair. No, not auburn. Copper. Or russet. Bronze? Chestnut? No, Burnt umber. Hell, did that color even exist in nature, except for on that gorgeous head? Ridiculously beautiful, that's what he was, from his wild locks to his sneakered feet. Like Alice and half the people she passed on campus that morning. _What the hell is in the water around here?_

He gave a brief, two-fingered wave to Alice, crossing the store to the coffee lounge.

_Oh. My. God._ Bella swallowed hard.

"I know, right?" Alice smirked. "Like I said. Far back corner of the classroom, and you might get to sit next to _that._"

"_That's_ 'McDreamy'?" Bella whispered. Alice nodded in answer.

Bella looked behind her to find him tossing a brown leather messenger bag off his shoulder onto the table in front of him. Sure enough, he was in the back corner of the lounge, digging a laptop out of his bag. Suddenly he looked up, directly at her. Her face grew hot, embarrassed at being caught staring, but for some reason she could not look away.

Edward wasn't sure what made him look over at the bookstore counter, but when he did, he was met with a pair of chocolate-colored eyes looking back at him. He was sure he'd never seen the girl before. But for some reason, as his eyes met hers, she seemed familiar. She must have thought so too, because she was still looking at him. This made him both curious and slightly amused.

After a long moment, Bella broke eye contact and turned to Alice behind the counter. Running one hand through his hair, he quietly chuckled to himself and opened up his laptop and a textbook and began to study.

When Bella turned around, Alice was grinning like a crazy woman. Bella gave her a look that clearly said _don't start_. Alice giggled. "So I assume this is your first semester?" Bella nodded. "What's your major?"

"English."

"Huh. Well, that would explain the 'librarian' look you're sporting," Alice said matter-of-factly.

Bella looked down at her clothes, and then to Alice's. "What explains your look then – you're a buyer for Neiman Marcus?"

"No, actually, my look says I'm a designer," Alice replied as she spun around once to show off her outfit. "I can make anything I see on the runway, even if I just see it once, and I also design my own pieces. This dress," she smoothed her hands down the front of the skirt, "was inspired by a Verrier collection I saw at Fashion Week New York, Fall 2009. I'm majoring in Fashion Design."

Bella looked confused. "Oh, uh, I didn't know you could get that degree here."

Alice laughed sweetly and musically. "Oh, you can't. I have a scholarship to UCLA, so I take my Gen Ed classes here, and then drive over to FIDM for my fashion courses. When I'm not running this store, that is." She said the last part proudly. Then she quirked her head to the side. "Do you work, Bella?"

"Not yet. I'm looking though. Put in a few applications around town this week."

Alice's eyes lit up. "That's great! My part-timer got pregnant and quit on me," she said with an exaggerated eye-roll, "and I need to replace her quick. You're hired!"

"Oh, I don't know, Alice." Bella shook her head. She'd been hoping one of the museums she applied at would hire her. A nice, quiet museum that no one ever went to. As much fun as she'd had talking with Alice today, she really didn't think she was ready for constant interaction with people. Her head was still in a weird place.

"Why not? You're an English major. Clearly you like books. And we have tons of books! The pay is decent, you get a discount on anything in the store, and I'll schedule your hours around your classes. It's perfect!" Alice's eyes sparkled with excitement.

What would Jake tell her to do? _Man up, Bells._ That's what he'd say. And Alice seemed so nice, and crowded places could be good, right? Safety in numbers? She did need a job. Soon.

Bella sighed, which Alice took as acceptance and her infectious smile grew. Bella found herself smiling as well and nodding her head in agreement. Alice clapped in gleeful victory.

"Bella, I really like you. I just know - you and I are going to be great friends." She gave her a hug, and then slid employment paperwork in the bag with Bella's books. "I want you to start Monday morning, okay? It's going to get crazy in here with people getting their books at the last minute, and I'm going to need you."

"Monday it is."

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**Reviews are better than working for Alice. Please let me know what you think!**


	3. Chapter 3

**If you have never had the pleasure of seeing a clean-shaven Matthew McConaughey jogging shirtless through Los Angeles, stop what you are doing and Google it now. It will give you a nice visual for this chapter.**

**It's still too early for lemons. But there's a party coming soon…**

**Thank you to my wonderful betas, including fellow FFn'er Louise Clark.**

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Bella placed two dinner plates on the now white coffee table. Jake quickly plopped down on the floor in front of one of a plate stacked with four sandwich halves, shoving one in his mouth. "How was your day?" she inquired as she sat down on his right, leaning up against the green chair.

Jake swallowed. "Great, actually. Some old guy brought in a restored 1960 Honda CSA76 Dream Sport 300. It was beautiful – just like the day it came off the lot. Scarlet red, hi-rise chrome handlebars, dual chrome exhaust pipes, 305cc OHC dry sump parallel twin engine with a single carburetor…" Jake took another bite of sandwich, or rather, shoved another half a sandwich in his mouth in one bite. Bella watched with amusement as he held the third in his hand, ready to scarf it down as well.

He continued, muffled by the food in his mouth. "Guy was a friend of Quil's, that's why we got it instead of some fancy restoration shop. I don't even know how much it's worth, but they only made that bike one year, Bells. One. Year." Jake waved half a sandwich for emphasis. He swallowed and gulped down half a can of root beer before shoving another half of a sandwich into his mouth.

"That sounds…. exciting." Bella smiled, eyebrows raised in an expression that said _I have no idea what you're talking about._

"Well," Jake mumbled through a mouthful of sandwich, "what did you do today?"

Bella set her sandwich on the plate and brushed her hands clean. "I went to the University today to finalize some paperwork and get my books and stuff. I got my books, made a new friend, scheduled a girl-date for tomorrow night, and found a job all at the same time. It was a very productive day." Bella smiled and shrugged, feigning nonchalance.

"Hold the phone. You got a job?"

"The girl who runs the bookstore really liked me. We talked for like two hours, she invited me to watch her boyfriend's band tomorrow night, and she hired me on the spot." She took a long sip of her soda before continuing. "Thirty hours a week and she'll work me around my class schedule. I never have to leave campus."

Hearing herself say it all out loud made it feel more real, and her smile grew in excitement. Her first real job. Independence.

Bella met Alice outside a British strip-mall pub called Buchanan's at 8 p.m. the next night. Alice led her to a table she had reserved to the right of the stage and ordered a pitcher of beer, which they split over an hour long set from Jasper's band. The sound was messy but tight, quirky, provocative, and like nothing Bella had ever heard in Forks. After a few songs, she caught herself smiling, tapping her foot to the rhythm of the upbeat anthem Jasper was crooning. She looked over at Alice, who looked completely mesmerized, grinning, singing along, and following Jasper all over the stage. It was kind of cute.

When the set was over, Jasper hopped down off the stage and jogged over to Alice. Six feet tall, Jasper was lean but very muscular, and he swung Alice around like she was a rag doll. Alice giggled like a little girl.

"Jasper, this is Bella," she said sweetly when Jasper set her down. She smiled at Bella.

Jasper's head tilted slightly to the side as he stared at Bella for a moment. She'd watched warily as he had spun Alice around. She stared at him apprehensively now, sizing him up as if facing off with an attacker. Unsure how to allay her, he took a small step backward, taking Alice's hand. "It's very nice to meet you, Bella," he finally said. It was a friendly but formal greeting that made Alice look back at him questioningly.

Bella looked down at her feet and smiled nervously. She swept her hair behind her ear and dug her hands into her pockets, absently fingering a can of pepper spray. "Hey," she managed to say, in a voice too low for the noise level in the pub. "You guys were great tonight. Very… unique."

"Thanks. You're welcome to come out any time we're playing. Alice can give you dates." Jasper squeezed Alice's hand. "We have one more set in 45 minutes, love. Are you staying?"

"Of course, Jazz. Bella, do you want to get another p-"

"Actually," Bella interrupted hastily, "I have a class at 7am so I should go. It was really nice to meet you, Jasper. Alice, I'll see you tomorrow." She smiled uncomfortably and grabbed her bag, which sat slung across her chair.

"O-kay," Alice said slowly. "Thanks for coming."

Bella gave a nod and an awkward wave as she headed for the exit.

The rest of the month passed by in a blur.

Working for Alice was like working for the love child of the Tazmanian Devil and Elmo, but Bella impressed Alice by keeping up with her and learning quickly. They really were becoming fast friends, and Bella found she enjoyed the female interaction. She hadn't really ever had a close girl friend in Forks – she had never been fond of the girlfriends of the guys that followed James around like sheep, and at Forks High she had mostly been a social outcast. Alice was intense but she was also cheerful, determined, sweet, and you could never be bored in her company.

The day she started, Alice had explained the 'design' of the book store. She had product arranged not only by course, but by size and color of textbook as well. She set up intricate displays of books behind the counter and in the front windows – displays that rivaled the giant Superbowl soda displays in most grocery stores every January. Alice could do things with books, spotlights, and fishing wire that put those giant grocery-store Superbowl Coca-Cola displays to shame. She had a gift.

Alice also explained the coffee lounge, and let Bella know that she was completely off the hook for that part of the store – it was run separately, and their staff took care of all displays, cleaning, and everything else related to the coffee bar. Bella made a point to observe the layout of the lounge. It was a nice little set-up. The walls were painted a warm rich brown, there was local art hung on the walls, the leather lounge chairs were simple but inviting, and the blown glass light fixtures hanging over the tables added a bit of contemporary eccentricity to the lounge. Plus the coffee was reasonably priced, and they had free Wi-Fi. It was definitely a comfortable place to linger. Which, she concluded, was why it was always crowded. Bella thought she saw McDreamy seated in the far corner, but her view was blocked by a tall strawberry blonde giggling and talking with two _very _tan bleach-blondes. Then Alice whisked her away to the stock room, where Bella was educated on the intricate details of FIFO and textbook-to-workbook color coordination.

Christmas came and went quietly for Bella and Jake. Bella baked cookies, mailing some up to Billie and Charlie, and packaging the rest up for Jake's boss and coworkers, Alice, and the other two employees at the bookstore. On Christmas night, Bella roasted a chicken with potatoes and carrots in her 'Very Brady' oven. They ate at the coffee table, white twinkling Christmas lights hanging from the silver HVAC duct that crossed the loft above them. Bella had gotten the idea from one of Alice's window displays. Christmas music played on the radio.

They called Billie and Charlie after dinner, watched _A Christmas Carol_, then went to bed. And just like that, their first California Christmas was over.

Christmas did not pass so quietly for Edward.

Emmett and Edward, accompanied by Emmett's rose and Edward's thorn, Rosalie, had flown home to Seattle for Christmas. Rosalie had chosen to wear her new strappy gold Manolos on the plane, paired with creamy taupe slacks with entirely too much metal decoration on the waist – she held up the line for the metal detector for 20 minutes, complaining about taking off her shoes and intimidating the agent assigned to 'wand' her. Then she insisted on the aisle seat, which left Edward pinned between the window and his massive brother. Then she verbally obliterated a flight attendant who bumped her elbow. Emmett tried to placate her with compliments and promises of 'not-much-longer-till-we-land', with little success. With an exasperated sigh, Edward turned up the volume on his iPod as high as he could stand, trying to drown out his future sister-in-law with the provocative melody of a local band he'd recently discovered.

The trio were greeted at SeaTac airport by a very austere and quiet Carlisle, dressed in slim-fitting black slacks and a charcoal cashmere sweater. At his side was a naturally aesthetic Esme, elegantly dressed in a sassy red, black and gold Oscar de la Renta knee-length dress with sparkly red matching cardigan, her hair and makeup impeccable as always. His mother was nothing if not stunning, and Edward smiled when he saw her waving to them. The entire drive to the Cullen family home, Esme made pleasant small talk about musical and theatrical performances Carlisle had recently taken her to, as well as art galleries they'd visited. Everyone but Edward participated in the conversation. He was still listening to music through his ear buds, now with his iPhone in his hands, checking his emails and stock ticker.

The Cullen household looked like Time Square in Seattle. The exterior had been trimmed with tens of thousands of twinkling white Christmas lights. The interior was an explosion of gold fabric, poinsettias, lights, and garland. Dozens of large red pillar candles were lit throughout the home, giving off a sweet, spicy, warm scent that actually _smelled_ like Christmas.

Rosalie complimented Esme's decorations as they made their way to the sitting room for hors d'oeuvres. They sipped cocktails and sampled several extravagant little creations, including miniature white cheddar and truffle quiches, and sautéed duck foie gras with caramelized apples. While they ate, Esme described the latest high-rise her architectural firm had been hired to design in for a development company in Chicago.

When they moved from the sitting room to the dining room, Edward finally put his Blackberry in his pocket, realizing that dinner would likely be overly extravagant as well. They enjoyed braised beef cheeks in beer with pumpkin spätzle over dinner, with several lavish side dishes, many of which Edward could not identify.

While they ate, Esme updated her boys on her newest architectural job. "The house being over 100 years old, the owners are interested in restoring the home completely. They wish to have it deemed a landmark."

"That's great, Mom," Emmett murmured through a mouthful of food.

"That is exciting," Rosalie added. "Have you already begun drawing up plans?"

"We start just after the new year, dear," Esme smiled. "Tell me, how is your business coming along?"

Rosalie's eyes lit up as she put her fork down and animatedly talked about hiring two new employees to handle the work load, and hinting at some of her newer clients. Being two years older than Emmett, she was out of college and running a very successful bodyguard service, catering mostly to Southern California celebrities and executives.

"You don't want to run into Rosalie in a dark alley," Emmet teased lovingly.

"Or anywhere," Edward murmured under his breath, garnering a dirty look from Rosalie and an admonishing glance from Esme.

"Edward," Carlisle started, clearing his throat. "How is school going?"

"It's med school, dad. Lots of homework, lots of caffeine. That's my life."

"Are you seeing anyone, dear?" Esme inquired sweetly.

Edward sighed. Could they not get through one conversation, _ever_, without Esme's inquiry into his love life? Rosalie smirked. Emmett laughed. "He sees plenty of girls as he's jogging shirtless through the neighborhood, ala Matthew McConaughey. He just doesn't stop for numbers. It might slow him down."

"Excuse me if I don't drool over the population of plasticized, spray-tanned, Los Angeles bimbos," Edward retorted sharply, glancing meaningfully at Rosalie.

Rosalie dropped her fork raised eyebrows a silent question: _You really want to go there with me?_ She tired of his digs at her appearance and intelligence, and ready to let him have it, and good. Just as she inhaled and turned in her seat to face Edward, Emmett squeezed her thigh and interrupted.

"Looks like we'll be in the playoffs this year," he said loudly. Esme's wide-eyed glances between Rosalie and Edward shifted to her youngest son, thankful for his diversion.

"That's excellent, dear," she encouraged.

"Yes, I read that," Carlisle added. "I believe your mother and I will be at the Rose Bowl game this year." Rosalie was glaring daggers at Edward, who was expressionless toward her hostility and Emmett's football updates. He'd heard it all before, several times.

Emmett nodded, shoving a forkful of potato into his mouth.

While Esme went to the kitchen to retrieve the dessert, Carlisle talked about new projects at the Children's Hospital, where he was director, and poured five glasses of Louis Roederer Cristal Brut champagne, which must have set him back at least $200, Edward thought. _A Very Cullen Christmas, indeed._

Esme reentered the dining room with an architectural and culinary masterpiece on a platter. "Gâteau de Crepes", she announced in perfect French diction, receiving wide eyes from the table, and a whistle from Emmett. Beaming, she gently set the platter on the table between Carlisle and herself. She sliced the first piece, passing it to Carlisle, who winked at her. "Twenty-five layers of crepes filled with alternate layers of chocolate pastry cream and dulce de leche, finished with a layer of bruleed sugar," she said proudly.

She carefully plated the remaining pieces of the cake and passed them around the table before returning to her seat. Carlisle leaned in close to Esme, whispering, "You have outdone yourself, my dear." They exchanged a brief kiss.

The bookstore was packed from open until close through the second week in January. Bella became an expert at navigating the aisles of textbooks, getting students in and out quickly with their last-minute purchases. Alice was so pleased, she gave Bella a fifty cent raise.

Bella took a full load her first term. Eighteen units of prerequisites cost her much sleep, but kept her mind busy. She shared a couple classes with a brunette who wore glasses; a shy girl she thought was named Angie, or Angela. Bella had loaned her a pen one day. For the most part she felt awkward in the land of the beautiful, completely out of place, and didn't know anyone but Alice. Every time some guy winked or whistled in her direction, her stomach turned. She avoided the whole sports side of the campus for that reason – all those adrenaline pumped guys rough-housing and being aggressive. It freaked her out. She was careful to arrive to each class early enough to snag the seat closest to the door. She was also careful not to get called on or otherwise draw attention to herself.

Her classes required a lot of reading, so Bella spent most evenings curled up with textbooks and coffee in her green Salvation Army chair. She was so exhausted when she fell asleep that she rarely dreamed, and if she did, it was usually about classical French literature or Keynesian formulations.

Downstairs, the garage was busy. Quil extended business hours to 7am-7pm, which gave Jake plenty of work to do. By March, he was averaging 70 hours a week, raking in the overtime, and loving every minute of it. His free time was spent rebuilding a Volkswagen sitting in the back corner of the property. Quil said it had been dropped off for repairs in 2002. No one ever came back for it. It was corroded and rotting from so many years of abuse from the elements, but Jake wanted it. Quil laughed and said if he could get it running, Jake could have it.

"I actually got it to turn over yesterday," Jake said into the phone propped between his head and shoulder. He looked at the clock on the microwave – he still had twenty minutes of lunch left. Then it was back downstairs for the rest of his shift.

"You actually have the key for it?" Billy's deep voice came through the receiver.

"Quil is so anal-retentive, the key's been sitting on the key grid in exactly the same spot for eight years," Jake chuckled. "How are things on the Rez?"

"Same as always."

"Fishing any good?"

"Whether I catch fish or not, fishing is always good," Billy answered with humor. Then his voice turned serious. "How is Bella doing?"

"She seems fine. She's made one friend that I know of, some girl she works for in a bookstore. She's studying hard, I know that much."

"Is she going to counseling?"

"Says she is," he shrugged, though Billy could not see.

"Son, I talked to Charlie last night."

"Yeah?" Jake asked, only half paying attention. He still had the phone wedged into his neck, needing his hands free to make a sandwich.

"He told me some things about James' sentencing."

"Like what?"

"When the bailiff came to take him away, he became enraged. He picked up his chair and tossed it at Charlie, threatening revenge on both he and Bella before being escorted out of the courtroom."

"He freaked out, like on Law and Order?" Jake asked sarcastically. He took a bite of sandwich.

Billy didn't respond.

"It's no big deal, right? He's in prison. What can he do?"

"That's what Charlie thought, too. These kinds of threats are not usually taken seriously. But he caught James' sister trying to break into his house the other night."

"Holy shit," Jake breathed.

"Charlie's installing flood lights and a security system this weekend."

There was an uncomfortable pause over the line while Jake contemplated this. "What is the world coming to when a cop has to install a security system," he said, trying to make a joke. Billy did not laugh.

"Do you have a security system down there?"

"I have a deadbolt," Jake offered.

"Jake," Billy began. He sighed. "I just want Bella safe. She's like family to us."

"Dad, nobody is going to travel 1,000 miles just to slash Bella's tires. Dickhead doesn't even know where we live."

"Just keep an eye on her, son."

"Sure, sure."

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**Thanks for sticking with me. I'm not getting a lot of questions, so hopefully it's making sense so far.**

**Reviews are love. Even bad ones.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: As always, I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.**

**Gratitude and love to my betas Louise Clark, Ms CVG, and Rissa. And much surprise and gratitude for those of you who have put me on alert, or your 'favorites'.**

**Also, please forgive the formatting of the previous chapters. I just now figured out that all my little dividers, breaking one part of the story from the next... well none of it is showing up. I feel bad that you've read it that way. I wish I knew how to correct it without reposting the chapters... but I don't. Hopefully I will have it fixed going forward.  
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**I've started posting on Twilighted[dot]net as well, and will be caught up there soon.**

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"You're in a good mood," Alice observed cheerfully as Bella walked into the bookstore.

"Got my grades yesterday," Bella shrugged. "Three A's and a B." She threw down a bundle of blue flyers stuck in the mail slot outside. _Business and marketing tips from former graduates! Alumni Panel, Anderson Alumni Plaza, March 30th, 6:00 p.m._

"Why am I not surprised?" Alice winked and gave Bella a quick hug. "And with that insane course load, too. That's great, Bella. Are you taking the same load for the Spring term?"

"Pretty much. But one's a Lit class, so it won't be too bad."

"No, probably not for you. You've read every classic twice," Alice smiled. She reached under the counter for a cleaning cloth and began dusting around the register. "Okay, today is going to be busy. I need you helping people get their books like last term. The new girl will ring up and I'll go where I'm needed. You're faster than Angela and know the floor better."

"Okay, boss." Bella threw her backpack in her locker, and by the time she got back there were five students needing help. She didn't stop moving until her shift ended. It amazed her how many people waited until the last minute to get their books. The lines at the register were at least four deep all morning long. Bella was happy when it was time for her Advanced English Literature class, if for no other reason than to sit down for a while.

x - x - x - x

Edward strolled into Advanced English Lit fifteen minutes early. He'd gone by the book store first for coffee, but when he got there, the girls behind the counter were juggling a dozen students, and the overflow seemed to be taking a rest in the coffee shop. He decided not to fight the crowd and went on to class. Only one guy was in the lecture hall when Edward arrived. He was sitting in the center row with earbuds in his ears, absorbed in a computer game. Edward walked up the steps to the back row and made his way to the far back corner. This was his favorite place to sit in any class. It allowed him room to spread out his gear and provided a great angle from which to people-watch.

No sooner did he get his laptop plugged in and turned on than Jessica Stanley came strolling in with a bra-less blonde in a sheer black camisole. He overheard the words 'Lindsay Lohan' and then their cackling. Jessica looked up and saw Edward in the corner, and her eyes lit up. She grabbed her friend by the arm and dragged her up the stairs. Edward did his best to conceal his annoyance when Jessica stopped at the row before his and walked all the way down the row toward him.

"Edward, what a nice surprise!"

"Hello, Jessica." Edward looked down at his computer and typed gibberish into a word document, hoping to appear busy.

"This is my friend Lauren." Edward glanced warily up at the blonde. She looked spray-tanned and slutty. His gaze shifted back at Jessica; she looked the same. He sighed.

"Hi."

Lauren shot Jessica an insulted look. _What the hell?_

"Edward," Jessica continued, clearly undeterred, "Alpha Phi is throwing a May Day mixer. It would be great to see you and Emmett there." She flipped her hair back and gave Edward her sexiest smile. Edward restrained a groan.

"Can Emmett bring his girlfriend?" Edward watched as Jessica's face turned red. But she recovered quickly, her not-as-sexy-as-she-thinks-it-is smile snapping right back into place.

"You're more than welcome to come alone, you know," she said flirtatiously. "Or you could come as my date. I'll make sure you don't get bored."

The thought of spending a night with a bunch of skanky, soulless sorority boozehounds didn't strike Edward as a good time. Besides, Emmett had bagged Jessica over the summer at a Sigma Pi mixer, so he wasn't going anywhere near that. Emmett was wasted and Jessica was easy; that's what he'd told Edward the next morning. Emmett never called her after the party, and Jessica was still desperately vying for his attention. Who was he kidding? Edward smirked to himself. Jessica Stanley was desperate for anyone's attention. That girl was a broken wing.

"I have plans, Jessica, but thanks anyway. If you'll excuse me, I'm writing a paper here, and I need to concentrate," he lied.

He returned his eyes to his laptop, and out of his periphery he saw the two girls settle in to the seats right in front of him. He heard the blonde whisper, "your friend is a dick, Jess."

"Totally," Jessica agreed. "It's like nobody here is good enough for him. Whatever. Like I care."

Edward smirked at Jessica's remark.

Rushing straight from the bookstore, Bella literally stumbled into Advanced English Lit. She hadn't wanted to be late for the first day of class, and tripped on her feet at the door, barely making it into the first seat without falling on her face. She tried to cover it up by smoothly pulling out a notebook and pencil, but heard giggling from the back of the hall. Perhaps she hadn't been as smooth as she'd hoped.

Edward looked up in time to see the brunette from the bookstore sliding into the first seat in the front row. He looked at the clock on his laptop. She still had a couple minutes before she was late… maybe she didn't know that. _Why else would anyone choose the first seat in class?_

Edward studied the girl. She had dark brown hair in a loose bun. She was wearing a light blue UCLA hoodie and baggy jeans. The skin of her jaw and beautiful long neck was pale and luscious. He smirked, knowing she hadn't spent two hours getting ready for class, unlike the two horny sophomores seated in front of him. The same two, in fact, now making snarky remarks about her entrance and giggling at their decided cleverness.

A mousy brunette with glasses entered class, with the professor ten steps behind her. He dropped his briefcase on the podium and jumped right into a discussion on 16th Century Classics. When the bell rang, Edward realized he'd missed the entire class. He had been completely mesmerized with the brunette girl. The way her hair fell from the bun around her face and she had to repeatedly tuck them behind her ears. The way she took notes without looking down at her paper. The way her soft voice rang with confidence when she answered questions, as though no one else was in the room.

This became a recurring issue for Edward over the next several weeks. Despite the unending come-ons from skanky Jessica Stanley, Advanced English Lit quickly became his favorite class. He loved the way her tone of voice changed when the professor called her Miss Swan. He loved the way her face lit up when the girl with the glasses sat behind her and greeted her. Bella, she'd called her. Bella Swan.

x - x - x - x

"So let me get this straight," Emmett said, trying hard to look serious and concerned. "You've been watching this girl in class for a month, and down at the bookstore for like three months, and you've never even talked to her?"

Edward glared at his brother and nodded once. Emmett guffawed and took a swig from the longneck in his hand.

"Shut the hell up, Emmett." Edward ran his fingers through his hair and pushed his stool away from the island in the center of their kitchen.

"Oh come on, wait, don't leave, I'm sorry," Emmett replied, chuckling. Edward stood in the doorway to the kitchen. "Okay, okay. Sorry. Please, continue." He smirked and waved his hand for Edward to continue. Edward sighed.

"It's not that simple, alright? It's like, I can't figure her out. In class she's brilliant and bold. Outside she's small and shy." Edward moved back to the stool and sat down.

"She's _interesting._ She looks nothing like the girls running around this superficial town. No makeup, no suitcase-sized handbag. No designer t-shirts, three sizes too small. Her hair is too dark and her skin is too fair and she has this heart-shaped face that is…" Edward paused, unable to come up with the right word. "Emmett, she is something else."

Emmett smirked, leaned up against the kitchen sink, nursing a longneck. He couldn't remember ever seeing Edward pay this much attention to something that wasn't written in a textbook.

Edward shook his head at Emmett's cocky expression. "It's more than that though. She's not just beautiful, you know? She is incredibly kind to every person she encounters. In the store she greets everyone with a smile. She goes out of her way to help people – even dipshits too stupid to explain what they even came in for. She and the other girls at the bookstore held a huge canned-food drive for the L.A. Food Bank. And once, Emmett….man she pulled cash out of her own pocket for some girl who got to the register and didn't have enough to pay for her books."

He grabbed a beer from the fridge and stood against it. "But then sometimes…she looks like she's afraid of her own shadow." He grimaced, thinking of the few bad days he'd witnessed. She'd been frazzled, jumpy, and completely unlike the girl who commanded Literature discussions in a room of 60 people.

Edward sighed in frustration. "She's interesting…and brilliant…and mysterious…and perfect…and beautiful…and she's possibly going to drive me completely insane."

Emmett shook his head, a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth. "You sound like a chick." He finished off his beer and chucked it into the trash can. "Or a stalker."

Edward took a long swig from the bottle in his hand and glared at his brother. "Fuck you."

Emmett was enjoying this immensely. _The masterful Edward Cullen, afraid of a girl? Frickin' priceless. _"Dude, if you don't ask her out by the end of this week, I am telling Rose, and we both know she will enjoy calling you a pussy until the day you die."

x - x - x - x

Southern California was so much different than the Pacific Northwest. The sun was _always_ shining here. It was almost always warm. When it was cold, hoodies and booty shorts were sufficient. Uggs were a fashion statement, not a seasonal necessity.

Necessity, she'd discovered, meant 20 pairs of designer flip-flops and a pair of giant sunglasses. She and Jake had caught up to dress code on their first weekend, exploring the boardwalk in Venice Beach. Jake bought a couple pairs of board shorts and some flip-flops, Bella bought the flip-flops and a pair of navy blue butterfly-style mega-shades. She felt like a bug with giant eyes, but Jake insisted she looked hot so she coughed up the $10.

She'd never spent that much on an accessory in her life. She'd never done a lot of things, she was discovering. Even for the most basic things that Forks and L.A. had in common – people, cars, restaurants, stores, fashion, heck, stop lights even – in L.A. it was amplified, glamorized, or high-tech. Expensive, elitist, status-driven, shinier, sharper, stronger, warmer, bigger, better, faster, more.

Bella, a transplant from cold, wet Washington, drove a rusted, gas-guzzling, eco-nightmare of a truck. She ate dairy products and carbs and walked around in a pale body with all original parts. She had no hair dye, no tan, and no piercings. She shared a 5-year-old desktop computer with Jake, or used the ones at school. She shopped at the Salvation Army, not the mall, and she had a cheap prepaid cell phone that couldn't even take pictures. She might as well be from Mars for all she fit in here.

She pondered that for a bit, lying on an old blanket under a big tree on campus. She enjoyed the heat of the sun on her shoulders and the warm breeze on her arms and legs, but her life – this fast-paced starving-college-student life – at the moment felt rather surreal.

She closed her eyes and tried to imagine herself back in Forks. After several minutes of concentrating, she was able to tune out the noises around her: students talking, cars passing, sirens wailing, music blaring and cell phones going off. She began to hear the other sounds: birds chirping, leaves rustling. A stream. Okay, no stream, just a nearby broken sprinkler. But she pretended.

It felt, for just a moment, like Forks. Like if she opened her eyes, she would find herself on a blanket in Charlie's back yard, next to her tattered, beloved copy of Wuthering Heights.

Listening to the breeze in the tree towering over her and her blanket, she thought about replacing the book now. It had gone missing one day after she'd argued with James about her reading too much. He had called her selfish, angrily insisting that she loved her books more than she loved him. She knew he was responsible for its disappearance, and had been afraid of the consequences of replacing it, so she never did.

This new train of thought was a killjoy to her peaceful afternoon. She sighed, stretched her arms over her head, and got up from the blanket. It was still warm, but the sun was inching down toward the Pacific Ocean, turning the sky delicious shades of pink and coral. Bella scooped up the blanket and backpack, and headed for her truck. Maybe Jake would be home, and they could get some dinner.

x - x - x - x

Bella woke up sobbing at 3 a.m. Much like the others, the dream was as much fact as it was fiction. This time, Charlie had been home, and woke up to hear James in Bella's room. He walked in and saw everything, but did nothing to stop it. He threw them both out of the house in anger, and never spoke to her again.

Bella sat up, swinging her legs onto the floor. Although she took several deep breaths to calm herself, the tears would not stop; they simply fell silent. She looked back toward Jake's curtained-off make-shift bedroom, where he was sprawled out on his mattress, snoring obliviously. She was glad for that. She hated waking him up with these stupid dreams.

Bella made her way to the bathroom quietly, not wanting to wake Jake. She turned on the shower as hot as it would go and climbed in. The water scalded her skin and she let it, wanting to wash away the memory of the dream. She remained in the shower until it began to run cold, her nerves barely placated.

Although she was tired, Bella could not bring herself to go back to sleep. The dream left her feeling sick with an uneasiness that felt a lot like guilt. She couldn't stand to be alone in the dark apartment, and did not want to wake Jake, so she dressed in jeans and a hoodie and snuck quietly down the stairs with her backpack and camera bag, unsure of her destination.

The only thing open before 5 a.m. in this neighborhood was Denny's. Inside the diner she found a window booth facing the intersection of Overland and Jefferson and sat her bags next to her. She ordered a coffee and an English muffin, then pulled out a book. After thirty minutes of Poe's _The Cask of Amontillado_, she realized she had no idea what she'd read and slammed the book shut in frustration.

The waitress passed right then, asking her if everything was alright. Bella smiled weakly and nodded, waiting for the waitress to pass before dropping her head onto her folded arms on the table. _This is fucking ridiculous,_ she scolded herself. _Pull it together, Bella. Get a grip._

God, how the dreams messed with her head. She wondered if it would ever stop. For a moment she wished she'd continued on with the therapy once she'd gotten to L.A. But the first round hadn't done her any good, besides prescribing sleeping pills and anti-depressants. Anyway, she didn't have time for that now. What she needed was to put it all out of her mind and focus on her education. Dwelling wasn't useful. The past was the past, right? _Right, damnit. _She sighed heavily. _So why are you sitting alone in a diner at 6 in the morning giving yourself a stomach ulcer, genius?_

Aggravated with herself, Bella slid the book back into her backpack, realizing that studying was pointless. She stirred her coffee absently and stared out the window, at the early commuters taking turns at the intersection. She watched a homeless man cross Jefferson Boulevard. He was pushing a beat-up stroller loaded with big black trash bags, probably full of recyclables. It reminded her of the men she'd seen in Port Angeles, and it made her heart ache.

Bella watched as he stopped at the small island dividing the traffic in the middle of the street and parked his stroller. He pulled a piece of cardboard from behind the trash bags, then held it in front of him with one hand while holding a flannel shirt closed with the other. Bella glanced over at the bank at the other end of the intersection – the time and temperature sign read 6:03 am, 51°F. _Too cold to not have a coat,_ Bella thought.

Without thinking, she pulled her camera out of the bag and began watching the man through the zoom lens. Bella watched him for an hour and a half. Many cars passed the man without stopping or helping, but those who did were rewarded with a sad and grateful smile.

The sun was fully visible over the shopping center now. The bookstore didn't open until 9 a.m., but Bella knew Alice would be in an hour before that to do next week's schedule. She left a $5 bill on the table and headed for campus.

Alice came bouncing up to the bookstore at 7:55 to find Bella sitting on the entrance steps, listening to her iPod.

"Good morning!" Alice greeted cheerfully, coffee in hand. "You are, like, an hour early," she giggled.

"Oh, yeah," Bella, muttered. "Uh, I woke up early. Thought maybe you could use a hand."

Alice grinned and reached out a hand to pull Bella up. "I'd love the company. We haven't chatted in forever! Come on in!"

Alice talked Bella's ear off for an hour while she flitted around the back office printing off spreadsheets, filing papers, and logging incoming shipments. Apparently Alice was planning a huge party on the first of May, for which her boyfriend's band would be the entertainment, and to which Bella and Jake were eagerly invited. Thankful for the distraction of conversation, Bella sat quietly by the desk, smiling and nodding in all the right places.

When the store opened at 9 a.m., there were a few students already waiting outside to get last minute books. Bella helped the first guy and walked him to the register. Alice helped the other three and sent them to Bella to be rung up.

Bella rang up the last person Alice sent up and turned her back to wipe down the counter behind the register. A moment later, her stomach was trying to send the coffee and English muffin back up. _The smell, oh my god what is that?_ Bella wondered, clutching the counter. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a short skinny freshman smiling at her with a package of pens and a bottle of soda in his hand. Just behind him, Alice was gawking at Bella, concern splashed across her face. She came dancing up to the counter, plastering a smile on her face.

"Hey, Eric," she greeted him, shooing Bella discreetly. "How's Professor Eddleman's class?" She rang up the pens and soda for him, making cheerful small talk. By the time the customer left, Bella was gone.

On her knees, clutching the toilet seat in the employee restroom, Bella's head spun. The smell of that guy's cologne, that sickeningly familiar cheap department store fragrance, permeated her nostrils…and she retched the contents of her meager breakfast into the bowl.

Bella had always hated James' cologne. The fruity spiciness was too sharp; it gave her a headache. She mentioned it to him one time, and upon seeing James' reaction, she never brought it up again.

He had practically drowned himself in it on graduation day.

"Bella, are you okay, sweetie?" Alice called softly into the restroom.

Bella blinked back tears and tried to even out her emotions before answering her. "I'm fine," she called out to the door. Her voice wavered, betraying her.

There was a pause, and Bella thought Alice had walked away. "Bella, are you preggos?" Alice's giggles were muffled by the door.

Bella rolled her eyes. "No, Alice. Geez. I'm fine, really. Just give me a couple minutes?"

"Okay," she heard Alice sing as she walked away.

Bella stood, splashed water on her face, and rinsed her mouth out. She looked at herself in the mirror, poking at the dark circles under her eyes, and sighed.

When she returned to the sales floor, Alice's eyes were wide with concern. Before she could ask any questions, Bella cut her off. "Alice, I'm feeling really 'off' today. Do you mind working the register? I can dust and straighten and stock shelves."

Alice smiled sympathetically at her and nodded toward her office. "Unload the boxes on my desk first."

x - x - x - x

When Edward's class ended at 10:00 a.m., he had nothing to do until noon. There was no point in leaving campus just to turn around and come back, so he headed for the coffee lounge in the bookstore. He'd have a couple hours to catch up on reading. Thinking about his conversation with Emmett earlier in the week, he hoped he'd see Bella, as well.

He entered the store and made his way to the barista, where he ordered his usual nonfat latte with an extra shot espresso. He settled down into a deep cushioned chair in the far corner of the lounge. After a few warming sips, Edward pulled out his textbook and a highlighter. He spent an hour and a half reading and drinking coffee, occasionally taking a break to people watch. Frazzled under-grads, flirty co-eds, boisterous jocks, solemn business majors, pampered princesses… they all amused him, and they all apparently loved caffeine. The lounge was always busy, which made it such an interesting place for him. Generally, he had a knack for reading people, deciphering their core nature, even from afar. He had yet to figure out the girl he most wanted to understand, however.

Edward was just packing his messenger bag and getting up to leave when he saw Bella walking toward the back of the store. Her hair was up off her neck and she was wearing the same oversized hoodie and baggy jeans he always saw her in. He waffled for a moment, running fingers through his hair nervously. He looked at his cell phone; he still had plenty of time to get to class. He decided to approach her.

Bella was refilling the bare shelves near the rear of the store. She was oblivious to him, humming to herself and rearranging a stack of books on the shelf above her head. Edward snuck up on her playfully, speaking so low it was almost a whisper. "It's far too beautiful a day to be stuck indoors, don't you think?"

x - x - x - x

When Bella was a little girl, Charlie used to play Rolling Stones records. As she got older, she put the records on while she did housework. As the morning wore on, Bella let the Greatest Hits album play on her iPod, humming the tunes while she busied herself around the sales floor. The physical work was a welcome distraction, and the store was looking much better than it had two hours ago, she proudly noted. Usually excessively aware of her surroundings, she was enjoying these few hours of blissful obliviousness.

She never heard Edward come up behind her. One minute she was humming to herself, and the next, a warm breath was breezing past her neck and a low voice was whispering something in her ear.

Bella's body froze stiff for a moment, the heavy books dropping from her hands. They scattered in the aisle loudly before her body decided to cooperate, spinning her around rapidly. Her heart hammered in her chest, a scream stuck in her throat as she faced him. She backed up against the shelving, one hand out before her in a defensive gesture and the other in her pocket, unlocking the nozzle on the pepper spray. Adrenaline kicked in, making her feel dizzy as she tried to focus on the man standing before her with wide, bewildered eyes.

Hearing the books fall, Alice poked her head around the corner. "You okay, Bella?" Confused, she looked at the chaos on the floor, and then back and forth between Edward and Bella. They were pressed up against opposite sides of the aisle, Edward's wide expression panicked and confused. Bella had a fist in one pocket and looked as if she were having an asthma attack or something.

Alice sprinted to Bella's side, her arms catching her as she slumped down onto the floor and began to cry. She sat on the floor with her and held Bella tightly, more concerned for the moment with comforting her friend than asking questions. Then she turned her attention to Edward.

"Edward," Alice said softly. Eyes glued to Bella, he didn't even hear her. Alice snapped her fingers at him, and his gaze slowly shifted to the sound. "It's Edward, right?" Edward nodded dumbly. "Edward, I think you need to leave."

At first he didn't understand what she was saying. Her voice was harsh, but her eyes were sympathetic. She wanted him to go. He had upset the brunette girl. Bella. He upset Bella. How had he upset Bella? He had no idea, but he felt like a complete asshole.

"I'm…sorry," he whispered, mostly to Alice. She nodded and waved him off.

When she heard the door chime, she squeezed Bella's shoulders. "Get up, Bella. Come on, come with me." She helped Bella stand, and kept her arm around her as they walked into Alice's office. As she passed Angela, she motioned for her to remain at the register. Angela nodded, her forehead creased with worry.

Bella fell into the chair next to Alice's desk and stared at her hiking boots, afraid to look up. She had stopped crying, for the most part, but not because she was better. She was simply too worn out to continue. Her hands shook, and she pressed them together tightly to stop them. "Am I fired?" she asked quietly.

Alice, incredulous, sat harshly on the desk, startling Bella.

"Bella." Bella looked up to find a very stern expression on a very little face. When Alice looked into her eyes, however, the expression softened. She gazed at Bella sympathetically and shook her head.

"But you're freaking me out. Tell me what happened, _please_."

Bella took a jagged breath. "I'm really sorry, Alice. I just didn't hear him come up behind me, that's all. I'm not good with people sneaking up on me." She looked down at her boots again. "God, you must think I'm out of my mind."

"Okay, first of all, do not apologize to me. Second, I have a strong feeling there is a lot more to this than that. But you are in no condition to talk right now. Don't worry about it, okay?" Alice said soothingly. "You just need to calm yourself. I'll be right back."

Alice left and returned a moment later with a bottle of water. Bella took it sheepishly. "I'm okay, Alice, really. I just need a minute, I'll be fine." She stood, giving Alice her most reassuring smile.

Alice responded with a look of surprise, and then a grimace. "Bella, I think you need to call it a day. Go home. Rest. Call me later."

x - x - x - x

When Jake walked in the door after work, it was dark. He found Bella in the corner, meditating. He leaned his large frame up against the wall and watched her. Her hair was a complete mess, as though she'd slept on it. Her eyes looked red and swollen. He sighed and moved to the green chair, sitting and waiting for her to…well, finish, he guessed. He still didn't understand how all that worked.

Several minutes later, Bella got up silently and curled up onto the futon.

"Bad day," Jake observed. Bella nodded meekly.

"Wanna talk about it?"

Bella shook her head, a pleading expression on her face. _Please don't ask._

Jake nodded in understanding and stood up. He motioned for her to move her feet and sat next to her. Bella uncurled herself and flipped so that her head rested in Jake's lap. Kicking off his shoes, Jake picked up the remote and propped his feet on the coffee table. He turned on the TV and laid a warm hand on Bella's back, rubbing it soothingly.

Utterly exhausted, Bella nodded off not long after that. He continued stroking her back until a little before midnight, then he shut off the TV and gently slid himself out from under Bella. He slid the futon out to the 'bed' position, threw a blanket over her, and made his way to his own bed at the opposite end of the room, where he lay awake for several hours, staring at the ceiling.

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**Not the best way to kick off a romance, is it? Thoughts? Reviews are love! Thank you for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: As always, I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.**

**Gratitude and love to my betas Louise Clark, Ms CVG, and Rissa. And much surprise and gratitude for those of you who have put me on alert, or your 'favorites'. It really makes my day to see those little emails come through, and it keeps the pressure on, to keep writing and finish this story.  
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**"Get up," Jake greeted Bella with a pillow to the face. _Payback is a bitch._

"What the hell," she groaned.

"I said get up. I'm going to feed your skinny ass, and then we're going to the beach."

"I don't want to go anywhere, Jake." Bella pulled the blanket over her head.

"I don't remember asking you," Jake replied simply. "We're leaving in fifteen, whether you're dressed or not." He looked pointedly at her and then walked out the front door.

x – x – x – x – x – x – x

Jake had to use threats of force-feeding Bella just to get two pieces of toast and a glass of tea in her system. He made a note to tell Charlie about the eating thing next time he talked to him. When they got to the beach, Bella barely shut the truck door and draped her camera bag across her chest before he started in.

"Spill."

Bella grimaced, at both the conversation and the sun in her eyes. She pulled her giant sunglasses over her face. "Wait, why aren't you working today?" she stalled.

"I took a personal day for my anorexic sister. This is more important."

"I ate," she insisted.

Jake pulled his hair in aggravation. He was so irritated with her deflecting bullshit, he practically growled at her. "Bella, so help me God, the next words out of your mouth had better fucking be _So what happened yesterday was…_."

Bella rolled her eyes, but when her gaze returned to Jake, she could see the worry in his eyes, and she knew she was responsible for that.

She sighed. "I'm not sure where to start."

Jake pointed toward the pier and led her toward it. "How about, where the hell were you when I got up for work at 6:30 yesterday morning?"

It was easier to talk with her camera in her hand. Bella gave all her focus to the shots she took as they walked, effectively explaining the dream, the inability to sleep after, and the resulting table for one as if it had happened to someone else.

"Well, that makes sense, I guess. You didn't come back home, though."

"I ended up going straight to work," she shrugged.

Bella debated how much to tell Jake, and decided that her little reaction to the cologne would only fuel his current obsession with her eating habits. So she skipped that and moved right into the part where Edward scared the hell out of her and she publicly humiliated herself.

"I nearly jumped out of my skin. I completely freaked out." Bella had her hands in her pockets, absent-mindedly gripping the contents and staring at the ground as she and Jake strolled down Santa Monica Beach Pier. Jake stopped at a bench and gently pulled on her arm, leading her toward it, where they sat down. It was a beautiful, clear day – warm, for April, so the beach was packed with families and sun-worshippers. Jake had been underneath cars all week at the garage. He leaned back on the bench facing the sun, relishing the light and warmth on his face and limbs.

Bella eyed her feet, memorizing the bamboo design on her flip-flops. Jake stared at the side of Bella's face, trying to figure out what to say. Finally, he let out a long sigh and ran his hand over his tanned face.

"You're still dealing with what happened," he offered.

Bella laughed humorlessly and shook her head to herself. "Jake, I nearly pepper-sprayed a customer in the bookstore." Bella spoke each word slowly and separately to emphasize her point.

"Maybe he deserved it," Jake shrugged. "I mean, maybe he's been a tool to some poor girl somewhere and got away with it, and you pepper-spraying him would have righted some cosmic wrong." Bella turned her head slightly, raising her left eyebrow at him. Jake grinned big for her. She couldn't help but smile back.

"Bella Swan, cosmic super hero."

"Yeah, sure. Why not?"

Bella shifted her gaze to the entrance of the pier where they had just come from and watched beach-goers in board shorts and sundresses come and go. She brought her sunglasses down off her head and put them on. She thought about what Jake said, and shook her head to herself.

"What?"

"Nothing." Bella's eyes remained fixed on the pier entrance.

Jake was having none of that. "Bells..."

Bella sighed. "The thing is, he's a nice guy. He comes in all the time, drinks his coffee and studies for hours. He's always been friendly to me. Alice likes him, and she is freakishly good at getting a vibe on people. I had no reason to react that way." She looked back down at her feet.

Jake shook his head. "Okay, first of all, you had damn good reason to react that way and we both know it." His words came out sharper than he intended them to, and made Bella cringe. His follow-up question much gentler. "And second, how does Alice even know him?"

"Mostly from the book store. He really is there all the time – four, five times a week. Although I guess he likes Jasper's band, too, and has seen them play a few times." She thought about something for a moment, looking at Jake with a smirk. "She calls him McDreamy."

"Who, Jasper?"

Bella chuckled. "No. Edward, the med student I nearly assaulted. Keep up."

"Med student?" Jake replied, and whistled. "You almost blinded a future doctor."

Bella sighed.

Jake chuckled. "C'mon," he said, standing and pulling her up with him. They continued walking.

At the end of the pier, Bella noticed a man hunched up against the railing. He had a sign in front of him that read "Homeless, Hungry, Please Help." Bella pulled her cash out of her pocket and counted it quickly. She had $27. As she approached the man, he looked up at her warily. She gave him a small smile and held out the bills. He murmured a 'thank you' as she caught up with Jake, who put his arm around her shoulder, squeezing her gently.

They strolled back toward the pier entrance side by side, the sound of the surf almost drowning out the laughing and screaming children below them. Jake noticed that Bella was deep in thought. He assumed she was still brooding over the incident with the McDreamy guy. When they had nearly walked back to the entrance of the pier again, she stopped and leaned on the rail, gazing at the kids playing on the shore.

Bella's mind was off in Forks again. Seeing that man on the pier reminded her of another homeless man – one she should have helped and didn't. The guilt weighed heavily on her.

One Saturday afternoon last summer, Bella, James, his younger sister Victoria, their friend Mike, and several other guys in James' social circle, plus their girlfriends, all drove down to Port Angeles to hang out. They walked the pier there, just as she and Jake had done today, although Port Angeles was much smaller. As the sun started to set, James had led several of the guys off to the nearest McDonald's to grab some food for everyone. The rest of the group stayed behind, either making out or smoking and gossiping in small clusters. Never entirely comfortable with James' friends, and not a smoker, Bella had pulled a book from her purse and sat alone on a bench on the pier, reading.

The boys were gone longer than expected, but returned in very high spirits, passing around a glass pipe and talking loudly over each other. Mike was the loudest, retelling the story of their trip as the guys who'd stayed behind gathered around him.

"We get to Mickey D's and this fucking bum is sitting by the door, right? Asking for spare change or some shit. So James grabs his cup and dumps out all his change, and Tyler grabs his bag of crap and chucks it over the gate into the play area," Mike says dramatically, reenacting the scene with his hands. He looked around the group and wondered aloud,"wait – who had the rocks?"

Mike's dramatics earned much laughter. A couple of the guys took advantage of the break in dialogue, trying to finish the story. But Mike was enjoying the spotlight too much. "Shut up douchebags, let me tell it. So James and Dave picked up rocks from the planter by the door, started chucking 'em at the smelly fucker. One of 'em hit him right in the fucking temple, man! Fucking awesome!" Mike's obnoxious laughter halted his story. James picked up where he left off.

"Then the stupid bastard called me an asshole. So I busted his fucking ribs." The group exploded in laughter, hoots, and hollers. Most of the girls had joined them by then, trying to catch the rest of the story.

He lit a cigarette and took a long drag before finishing the story. He very nonchalantly described leaving the restaurant with the bags of food, walking right past the man curled up on the sidewalk moaning in pain as they mocked him.

It was the cruelest thing she'd ever heard, and they were _laughing_ about it. Celebrating James' despicable behavior. Relishing in another man's suffering. Bella had migrated to the edge of the circle of people during this story, shocked and feeling sick to her stomach. She looked disapprovingly at James, who only noticed her once, winking at her as the group passed around the bags of food. They settled down at a picnic table in the sand and scarfed down their burgers and fries while Mike and the others took turns comparing the evening's events to other homeless people they had either harassed, beaten, or stolen from.

Bella rode home with James and Victoria in James' old blue Tercel. When they pulled up to the house, James pulled Bella in for a kiss, holding the back of her neck a little too tight as he whispered, "the chief doesn't need to know about tonight, right, darlin'?" Bella had attempted a reassuring smile and climbed quickly out of the car. James drove away before she got to the door.

She had found Charlie sitting in the living room watching a baseball game. Bella stood in the entryway for a long moment, debating whether or not to tell him what had happened in Port Angeles, ultimately letting her cowardice carry her up the stairs and into bed without saying a word.

Bella didn't say anything for a long time, staring at kids down the shore, thinking about that night in Port Angeles. After a while Jake nudged her gently with his shoulder – a silent question. _Are you okay?_

Bella did not look at him, but answered the nudge. "James and his buddies used to beat up the homeless for fun."

Jake sighed. He was leaning on the rail next to her, watching surfers jockey for position. "James is a subhuman piece of garbage," he murmured. After a long pause, he spoke clearer, and louder. "He is _not_ a representation of the male species."

Bella leaned into Jake. He put an arm around her shoulder and followed her gaze to the people playing at the shoreline.

A little girl, maybe ten years old, was trying to skim board. She threw the board out in front of her and ran to jump on it. The tide began to recede into the ocean just before her feet made contact with the board, so it came to a stop under foot and her momentum sent her tumbling face first into the sand. Jake and Bella watched as she pushed herself up, wiped as much sand off of her face as possible, and inspected a large scratch on her foot. It was bleeding.

The little girl rinsed her foot in the salty ocean water, grabbed her board, and tried again. Bella chuckled and shook her head, impressed.

Jake squeezed Bella's shoulder and pointed to the determined skim boarder. "That's you," Jake smiled. "You just don't know it yet."

x – x – x – x – x – x – x

Jake and Bella made their way back to Bella's truck. As Jake climbed into the passenger seat, he suggested they get some pizza on the way home.

Bella bit her lip and grinned apologetically at Jacob. "Uh, I gave all my money to that man on the pier."

Jake laughed and shook his head. "Of course you did. It's cool, I got this one."

House rules dictated that whoever bought dinner controlled the iPod. When they got home, they copped a squat at the coffee table and split a pizza, serenaded by an assortment of Jake's favorite heavy metal tunes. Bella enjoyed the time with Jake, but not the music selection. She reminded herself that next time _she_ was buying dinner.

After Jake had gone to bed, Bella uploaded the shots she'd taken at the pier. She went through each one, deleting bad shots, editing the color on others, and stopped at the last photo, staring at it for some time. An overhead shot of a white and yellow skim board, a splash of red marring the design, where a small figure in pink stood, smiling, blood and sea water mixing and mingling across her foot.

x – x – x – x – x – x – x

Emmett came home Friday night to find Edward sitting at the island in the kitchen, in the dark. He flipped on the light to find three empty beer bottles on the counter, the labels completely shredded.

Edward was in running gear, sweat darkening the gray shirt down the center front and back, and matting his head to his face. He looked up briefly before returning his focus to the label he was in the process of transforming into confetti.

"Bad day?" Emmett hedged. Edward didn't answer.

Emmett set his helmet on the kitchen table and took off his riding jacket, draping it on the chair. He pulled a beer out of the fridge and set down across from Edward.

"You go out with the princess?" Edward finally asked.

"Nah. She worked tonight. Opening night at some club, and she had to escort and protect some Disney actress, or some shit."

Edward nodded. Suddenly he swiped the island, sending all of the shredded scraps of paper flying to the floor and let out a harsh breath.

Emmett raised an eyebrow in question. _What the hell is his problem?_ Then it dawned on him.

"You talked to the bookstore girl today."

Edward didn't answer, so Emmett continued. "You asked her out and she turned your dorky ass down."

Edward laughed humorlessly. "I barely spoke to her and she started crying."

Emmett burst into laughter. He stood up, grabbed a bag of chips and brought them back to the table. Edward wasn't laughing. "Oh. You were serious?" he asked, confused.

"You use one of your shitty pick-up lines on her?" _'It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again," _he quoted in a creepy voice. "That only works on the scene chicks and the cutters, Eddie." Emmett smirked and drank his beer. Edward still wasn't laughing. _Dude, what the hell?_

"Dude, what the hell. So she didn't want to go out with you. So who cares?"

Finally Edward looked at his brother. "Emmett, I came up to her, I said something about it being a beautiful day outside, and she freaked out. Acted like I was covered in blood and wielding an ax. That was seriously the weirdest shit I have ever seen."

Emmett nodded in understanding. "You need to stop wearing those tight t-shirts. I told you it was scaring people." He mussed Edward's hair and headed upstairs.

Edward avoided the bookstore all week, but by Saturday Emmett's wisecracks and Rosalie's nagging and complaining were getting on his last nerve. He wasn't getting any work done.

He went for a long jog to clear his head. After several miles, he realized he needed to be in the coffee lounge. That was the only place he could concentrate. After his jog, he showered and changed, hoping he would not run into Bella. He also hoped he did. With a heavy sigh, he tossed everything into his brown leather messenger bag and drove to school.

x – x – x – x – x – x – x

Angela clocked out and snatched her purse from her locker. She'd started working part-time at the bookstore this term, and Bella liked her. She was calm and quiet, which was a nice change from Alice. Bella also found it comforting to know at least one person in class; she and Angela had taken several of the same courses this term.

Angela walked with Bella to the front of the store. "Are you going to Alice's party tonight?"

Bella shoved her hands in her jeans pockets and shrugged indifferently. "If I don't show, she'll probably send out a bounty hunter to collect me." Alice was merrily rearranging the display window near the register and nodded affirmatively at Bella's comment. Bella shot her a pointed look.

Angela giggled. "I'm sure it will be fun, Bella. I'll see you tonight!" She waved to both girls as she exited the bookstore. Bella waved back, then headed for the stockroom to unload a new shipment of textbooks. A few minutes later, the bookstore door chimed.

Edward entered, nodding to Alice warily. She grinned, returning the nod. They held a brief conversation with just their eyes and small gestures.

_Is Bella here?_

_In the back._

_Is she… okay?_

_She's cool. No worries._

_I'm going to get some coffee. _

_Okay. _

Edward walked briskly to the bar as if he were trying not to get caught sneaking in.

Bella returned to the counter with a stack of study guides for Alice's display. With a huge grin, Alice swiftly swept them out of Bella's clumsy hands, practically singing, "McDreamy is here."

Eyes wide, Bella scanned the store, her eyes finally resting on an unruly mop of bronze hair in line in the coffee lounge. He was wearing a university hoodie, basketball shorts and running shoes. Her throat suddenly felt like it was closing up.

Her stomach lurched. Her cheeks flooded with color and her gaze quickly shifted to Alice's window. This thoroughly amused Alice. She placed her petite hands on Bella's shoulder blades and gave a playful shove. "Go say hi!" she encouraged.

Bella shook her head, chewing on her bottom lip. "Alice…" she started, flustered.

"I know! You should invite him to my party tonight," Alice decided, clapping her hands together excitedly.

Bella shook her head in a definite _no_. She was too embarrassed about the last time they met. She could not face him. "I can't…"

Alice ignored her. She was already plotting. "It's neutral ground! I'll be there, of course, and Jasper, and you said your roommate's coming too, right? You'll be surrounded by friends, Bella. It's going to be a great party. What better circumstance, really, will you find to spend some time with the guy and decide whether he's a nice guy or a psycho?" She grimaced once that last sentence left her mouth, instantly wishing to take it back. She looked at Bella apologetically.

Bella rolled her eyes. "You're real cute," she said facetiously.

Alice smiled, relieved that she hadn't upset Bella. "I am, actually. Go invite him to the party." She paused to assess Bella's reaction. "Or, I'll do it for you." Alice's grin turned mischievous, and she spun on her heel, stepping lithely around the counter. Bella had to lunge over it to pull Alice back by her sleeve.

Alice laughed and quirked an eyebrow at Bella in question: _Are you going to invite him or not?_

Bella's face was pleading, begging Alice to back off. "I _really_ don't want to do this."

Alice stared at Bella, still as a statue, waiting. It didn't take Bella long to realize she would not win this staring contest, and she sighed in surrender. "Alright, alright." Alice smirked. "Demon pixie," she mumbled under her breath.

"I heard that. Wait, hang on a second, you can't go over there looking like that." She looked Bella up and down critically, pulling a dark blue scarf out of the belt loops on Bella's jeans.

"Alice, I am not a Barbie doll," Bella protested, as she grudgingly raised her arms and allowed Alice to tie off the back of her charcoal university t-shirt with a rubber band and tuck the excess up in the back of the tee. That small change made the shirt hug Bella's lean torso and show a sliver of skin, to which Alice nodded in approval. Alice then wrapped the scarf around Bella's wrist and pulled the pencils out of Bella's hair, releasing a messy bun and letting it cascade down her back.

"You have great hair," Alice noted, and looked Bella up and down quickly. Bella gave a small smile. "But you and I seriously need to go shoe shopping," she said critically, eyeing Bella's hiking boots.

"Who _wears_ these?" she muttered appallingly. Bella's smile fell into a grimace. Everyone wore them back home. She didn't see anything wrong with them. "Take them off," Alice instructed, kicking off her own shoes and nudging them toward Bella. Bella stepped out of her boots, peeled off her socks, and slipped into Alice's silver ballet flats.

Alice gave Bella one more once-over, and nodded in approval. "Okay, now go!" she instructed, giving Bella a gentle shove towards the coffee lounge.

x – x – x – x – x – x – x

Edward ordered his usual non-fat latte with an extra shot of espresso, and made his way to his usual chair in the far corner of the coffee lounge. He set down his drink, pulled out his laptop, and let his eyes wander over to the bookstore, looking for Bella. He quickly found her talking to Alice.

Bella's wavy chestnut brown hair was down today, and she was wearing a snug-fitting tee. Edward fought not to gape at the way it hugged her curves. They both seemed to be looking at something on the floor behind the counter. Bella was scowling at Alice. A smile played at his lips, thinking she looked more adorable than menacing. _Like an angry kitten._

He realized he was gawking, and shook his head slightly, trying to shake free his thoughts of Bella. The last thing he needed was for her to catch him staring. Who knows what she'd think then. He ran his hand through his hair and opened his chemistry text, shifting his focus from Bella to _Reaction Kinetics_.

He'd read and reread the same paragraph three times when he felt a sudden change in the air. Something like static swirled around him, tickling the hairs on his arm. He looked up to find Bella standing before him with her bottom lip in between her teeth. The sliver of skin peeking between her tee and her jeans made his dick twitch, but her heart-shaped face was stunning, and Edward found himself mesmerized by it.

Bella returned Edward's gaze, racking her brain for something intelligent to say. She noticed the coffee beside his laptop, but no food. "Don't you ever eat?" she asked, nodding toward his paper cup.

Edward's lips pulled up into a smirk and he shook his head. "I'm on a special diet."

Bella raised an eyebrow skeptically. He chuckled. "I'm taking 20 units. Most days I need caffeine just to remember my name."

Bella couldn't help smiling back. His smile was enchanting, and his green eyes were breath-taking. She noticed that he was not classically handsome. He wasn't _pretty_ the way most guys around here were. But he had striking features: wild reddish hair, intense eyes, and that sharp jaw line. It was hard not to stare.

Edward's smile faded and a grimace took shape on his face. He looked as if he were about to say something, but Bella cut him off, suddenly very nervous. "Alice is throwing a party," she blurted out. He could feel her face flush, and willed it not to turn bright red.

Edward quirked an eyebrow, an amused smile spreading across his face. Bella focused her attention on the strings of his hoodie. "It's at her place in the valley. There'll be a DJ, and her boyfriend's band might play. You should come."

Edward was fascinated by the contrast between Bella last week and the Bella before him now. Last week she had been drowning in an oversized hoodie with her hair hidden in a bun. And was extremely skittish, he had unintentionally learned. Now she appeared before him like a Renaissance painting – composed demeanor, ivory skin, luscious hair cascading down her back, and inviting him to a party, of all things! He could tell she was nervous, but she held her shoulders back and looked him right in the eye, awaiting his response.

What an enigma. She was by far the most interesting girl he had ever met. He realized at that moment he had it bad. And he wanted more.

With a grin, Edward inquired, "Will you be there?"

Bella nodded, a smile playing at the edges of her mouth.

"Then I would love to."

* * *

**Reviews are love! Thank you for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: As always, I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.**

**Gratitude and love to my betas Louise Clark, Ms CVG, and Rissa. Those emails that tell me These Dreams has been reviewed or put on story alert… I gotta tell you, they make my day. Thank you!**

**Also, I have a comment about what goes on close to the end of the chapter… but I can't tell you now. Read the a/n down at the bottom for a little somethin' somethin'… ;)**

The entire drive to Van Nuys, Edward's mind was on Bella. He had wanted to apologize for_ the incident_, as he now called it, and hopefully get her to have coffee with him next week. But then she'd gone and invited him to a party, out of the blue, making him forget about what he'd intended to say.

He made good time, pulling up to Alice's house just after 9 p.m. Alice met him at the door wearing a blue silk 40's style dress printed with banana leaves and bright yellow flowers. Next to her was a tall blonde with chin-length wavy hair in a black and teal camp shirt. He had an unlit pipe between his lips. "Alice," he greeted with a crooked smile. "Is this some kind of theme party?"

"Of course! It's not a party without a properly executed theme," she answered, and did a quick pose in her vintage dress. "Edward, this is my boyfriend, Jasper," she announced proudly, shooting Jasper a flirty smile.

Edward's eyes lit in recognition. "Hey, I've seen your band a few times. Love the sound. Your drummer sounds like he has four hands."

His ego sufficiently stroked, Jasper smiled and threw an arm over Edward's shoulder. Alice watched, smirking, as he led Edward to the living room, introducing him to the drummer, Peter, and Peter's girlfriend Charlotte. Alistair, their guitarist, plopped down on the sofa next to Peter with a handful of whiskey shots. Edward learned that Alice and Jasper shared the house with his band mates. Peter and Charlotte rented one room, and Alistair rented another.

After introductions, Edward made his way to the bar that had been set up in the kitchen. A very tropically-dressed girl with red lips and long curled hair smiled at him. "What are you drinking, sugar?"

"Beer. Any kind," he shrugged. She nodded and walked to the refrigerator as Edward looked at what Alice had done with the room. Alice had draped teal gauze material around every corner, and white muslin separated the back yard from the living room. The feather-light fabric blew around every time someone came near it. There were tall plants scattered around as well; they reminded Edward of a South American jungle. Some of the girls at the party looked like they were on a tropical vacation in the 1930's. Others looked like they were going on safari. He noticed a quote hanging over the bar, bronze and grandiose in its obscurity: _Il faut d'abord durer_. Edward recognized that quote as something he'd seen in his father's Ernest Hemingway collection. It was a quote Hemingway used often, meaning something along the lines of 'First one must endure.'

He looked around the room again, and suddenly it made sense. The Cuban dancing dresses, the safari attire, the quote, the exotic, adventurous decor. Fucking _Hemingway_. He laughed at the ostentatiousness of it.

"Here you go, handsome," came a voice behind him. He turned around to find the volunteer bartender giving him her best flirtatious smile, holding an open bottle of beer. She was pretty, but she was trying too hard. Too tan, too much makeup, too thin. She was a cartoon version of what a woman was supposed to look like. He smiled politely at her, took the beer, and headed for the patio.

The back yard was decorated the same. A dark-wood gazebo was draped with muslin. Parisian wrought iron bistro tables and chairs were scattered around the yard, with large tropical plants in every corner. Art and masks were hung on the wooden fence near the DJ's booth, which was also framed in dark wood and muslin. 

A tall strawberry blonde stumbled up to the booth, and Edward frowned as he recognized her – it was Tanya Denali. His decision to flee took a moment too long; Edward heard a loud giggle right before she grabbed his arm.

"Well _hello,_ Edward," Tanya breathed flirtatiously.

Edward rolled his eyes in annoyance. Then he took a deep breath, plastered on a smile, and spun around. Up close, he noticed how very drunk she was. Her red dress was wrinkled, her hair style was half-undone, and her eye makeup was smeared. She looked to be about two shots from passing out in the driveway.

"Tanya," Edward answered politely. "Having fun?"

"Tons," she slurred. Edward smiled politely, but was looking past her for a way, any way, out of this conversation.

Tanya wasn't too drunk to notice his lack of attention. "Who are you looking for?" she asked, the disappointed frown on her face making her runny eye makeup look a little bit frightening.

_Bella,_ he thought immediately. But that was not the answer he wanted to give. Not to Tanya. The lie came to him easily. "Oh, Alice. She invited me tonight, and I haven't said hi to her yet."

Tanya was still looking rather dejected. In his head, he heard his mother: _Now dear, remember - these are our friends._ He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "How do you know Alice, Tanya?"

Mollified by Edward's attempt at conversation, her face smoothed and she took a sip of the martini sloshing around in her drunken hand. "Oh, I don't. Irina's been friends with Charlotte for years. Charlotte told us that Alice's parties were pretty amazing, and invited us to come see for ourselves." She pointed toward the window behind Edward. Charlotte was in the living room talking to a tall blonde in a short leopard-print dress that Edward recognized as Irina. She was the youngest of the three Denali daughters.

The Cullen family had been friends with the Denali's since before either Edward or Tanya were born, and the two families had spent almost every winter and summer vacationing together until the kids had gotten in their teens and wanted to spend the holidays doing things with their friends. Edward had been relieved when the joint vacations had ended. Tanya had always been a little too affectionate and too flirtatious. She was beautiful, but he wasn't interested, and she never seemed to have gotten the hint. Not even now, apparently.

"Edward, dance with me!" Tanya suddenly exclaimed.

"Thank you, but no. I'm going to get another drink, and I really should find Alice. It was really nice to see you, though, Tanya." Edward gave her a big smile, hoping it looked sincere enough. He turned quickly and walked inside before she could respond.

Tanya stood in place, watching Edward's smooth, graceful gait as he made his way to the bar inside. She looked down at the remains of the martini in her hand, feeling confused and very drunk. She was about to follow him in for a refill when Irina came bouncing up, giggling. "You look like you need to dance, T! Come!" She pulled her sister to the patio.

Inside, Edward handed the flirtatious bar girl his empty beer bottle, trading it for a fresh one. He scanned the room. A few dozen more people seemed to have arrived. Alice was holding open the front door, looking sweet and sassy. She suddenly made a noise that Edward could only describe as a squeal, and ran out the front door. He watched, intrigued, as a huge, muscular, dark-skinned guy walked in the door. He was well over six feet tall, his black t-shirt not at all concealing the huge biceps or six-pack abs. His snug dark-washed jeans weren't leaving much to the imagination, either. His happy demeanor and huge smile contracted his dark eyes and intimidating form. He was a beast. Right behind him was Alice, pulling something. No, someone.

_Bella._

She looked as she usually did – loose bun, hoodie, jeans. Alice was hugging her and introducing her to Jasper's band mates, who were heading out front to smoke. Bella nodded and smiled, but it did not reach her eyes. The beast man wrapped his huge arm around Bella's shoulders, pulling her in and whispering something in her ear. Whatever he said, it earned him a genuine smile, and she wrapped an arm around his waist.

_Well, damn._

Edward couldn't hear much over the music, but Alice appeared to be trying to pull her away from beast man. Bella looked back at the guy, and he laughed and waved her off. With that, Alice was dragging her down the hallway to the bedrooms.

x – x – x – x – x

"You said you would protect me from her!" Bella called to Jake.

"I said I'd protect you from harm, not from a t-shirt and mascara," Jake laughed, waving as Alice dragged her to the bedroom for a 'wardrobe intervention'.

"Traitor!" she yelled at him.

"Oh my God, Bella. It's not like it's going to hurt," Alice scolded as she shut the bedroom door and sat Bella down at an expensive-looking dark wood vanity table.

"This is a party, not a college class. You need a little _oomph_." She stared at Bella thoughtfully. "Okay, take off your hoodie and those god-awful boots, to start."

Bella sighed, doing as instructed. Alice dashed into her closet and came out holding two hangers. On one was a camel-colored mini dress with a leopard-print belt; on the other was a capped-sleeve, high-waisted, knee-length 40's style dress, black with a faded green, brown, and purple pattern of vines and tropical plants.

Bella's face went pale as she shook her head. "I can't wear that, Alice."

"Don't be silly, Bella. They'll both look great on you. I should know. Why don't you try on the black one?"

"No," Bella said quietly.

"Bella," Alice sighed in annoyance. She walked toward Bella with the dresses.

"_No,_ Alice," Bella insisted, a little more forcefully than she meant to. Alice recoiled at Bella's tone and sat down on her bed, staring at her.

"I don't wear skirts, okay?" She looked down at the hoodie in her lap, and picked a loose thread on the sleeve.

Alice really didn't understand what the big deal was, but something in Bella's expression told her to let it go. She made a note to ask about this incident later, but didn't want to fight with her right now.

Alice jumped off the bed, her bubbly demeanor returning in full force. "Dresses out, then. How about we do something a little more casual?" She left the dresses on the bed and pulled a huge shoebox out of the closet. She opened it on the vanity; inside were dozens of huge, colorful silk flowers.

"Pick something exotic." Alice undid Bella's bun, and with a bowl full of bobby pins at her side, had Bella's hair up in victory rolls in minutes.

"Whoa," Bella breathed.

"Cool, huh? Too bad I don't have enough hair to do them myself," she shrugged with a smile. "Now it just needs a flower." Alice took the flower Bella had chosen and slid it into her hair just behind the ear. It had thick petals that started out teal and deepened to a rich navy blue at the tips. The center was orange and gold.

"I like this tank you have on. Just please promise you won't put that hoodie back on and mess up my work," Alice said softly behind her. Bella's gaze moved from her reflection to Alice's, who was smiling at her in the mirror.

Alice bounced back into the closet suddenly. "You need these, too." She held out gold ballet flats and a thick orange bangle bracelet.

Before Bella could protest, black eyeliner, mascara and red lipstick had been applied. She slid on the shoes and bracelet, and found herself gawking at the reflection of a hot pin up girl in a white wife-beater.

Alice nodded in approval. Bella shook her head in awe.

x – x – x – x – x

Jake thought he heard Bella call him a traitor as Alice led her to her room to change into something a little dressier than a hoodie and boots, and chuckled. He scanned the room, looking for, well, booze. He didn't come to mingle with the college kids – he came to get plastered. To the right of the living room, he found a chick set up in the kitchen with cups and ice and dozens of bottles of booze. Beside her stood a guy with a beer in his hand, staring at Jake deliberately. Jake figured maybe the guy was gay. He was kind of pretty, wearing a light button-up with the sleeves rolled to his elbows, and faded jeans that looked like $100.

Plus, Jake knew he looked good tonight. He'd always been muscular, but all the hours he'd put in at the garage had really bulked him up, and he was taking full advantage of that tonight, choosing slim-fitting clothes that accentuated his assets. If he played his cards right, he'd get plastered _and _pick up a couple phone numbers.

Deciding being checked out by a gay guy didn't bother him, he made his way across the room to hopefully get a beer from the cute bar chick. As he got to the table, she gave him a sexy smile. "You look like a Jäger man to me," she teased.

"Ah, it's too early for Jäger," he flirted back. "How about a Heineken?" She pulled out a cold one for him as a tall, thin blonde in a very short animal-print dress stumbled behind him.

"Good to see you again, Edward," she slurred, walking toward a group of drunk girls dancing on the patio.

Jake took a closer look at the gay guy standing next to him. _Bella said the doctor guy's name was Edward…_ As Edward met Jake's gaze, it finally clicked for Jake – he hadn't been checking Jake out at all. He'd just been watching the guy who came with Bella.

Edward smiled cautiously as Jake continued to inspect him. DJ New cranked up the volume on a Pussycat Dolls tune and a dozen drunk girls screamed and scuttled through the house out to the patio to dance.

"So you're McDreamy, huh?" Jake smirked.

"Sorry, what?" Edward said loudly over the cringe-inducing music.

In the living room, Peter pounded on the patio window behind the DJ's booth, causing the DJ to jump with surprise. "Newton, turn that shit down! You're making my ears bleed!"

The music instantly returned to its previous level, to the protest of the dancing girls. Edward's attention returned to the thick-necked guy still standing next to him.

"Edward Cullen," he said, putting out his hand.

Jake looked down at the hand being offered, and then shook it. "Jacob Black."

"I saw you come in with Bella," Edward said conversationally. Then, with more interest than he meant to portray, he asked the question he'd already figured out the answer to. "Your girlfriend?"

He wasn't sure what to make of the amusement painted on Jake's face, or the very large hand he placed on Edward's shoulder.

"No. I'm not the boyfriend. I'm just the best friend who doesn't want to see her taken advantage of by some pretty college boy."

Edward fought to hide the surprise and relief at Jake's declaration. _He's not the boyfriend. Thank god._ Then Jake's words sunk in. _He's the protective friend who will kick my ass. Oh._ He nodded thoughtfully. "So I assume you came over here because of the ass I made of myself at the bookstore?"

Jake chuckled. "I would have, but the short one," Jake pointed in the direction Bella and Alice had gone, "vouched for you. So I'm gonna tell it to you like this. Bella is one of the sweetest, smartest people I've ever known. But she's got… well, you got to be gentle with her."

Edward nodded in understanding. "I can do that."

"Good." Jake's voice got low. "Because if I hear about a repeat of the other day, I'll break your legs." Jake smiled then, but his eyes were dark. The threat was clear.

Out of the corner of his eye, Jake saw Bella and Alice reemerge from the bedroom. Bella was scanning the room anxiously. "See you around, Edward," he said.

No sooner did Jake get across the room than Bella pointed at Alice. "She attacked me."

"You did good," Jake said to Alice, holding Bella's arms out and looking her up and down. Alice smirked. Bella huffed at Jake's lack of support.

"So, who were you talking to?" Bella wondered, trying to see around Jake's big frame.

"I was having a beer with McDreamy."

Bella's eyes widened in fear as her muscles tensed, expecting to be mortified.

"What. Did. You. Do."

Jake conjured his most serious and formal voice. "We arm wrestled for your honor."

Bella's eyes narrowed. "You're not funny."

"Not only am I extremely funny, I'm good looking, too," Jake smirked. "If you're alright, I'm going out there," he pointed to the patio, "and finding myself a hot girl to dance with. Why don't you get yourself a drink – at the _bar_ – and try to have a good time?"

Next to the kitchen doorway, partially obscured by two guys ordering drinks from the chick behind the table, Edward was staring at Bella. When she caught his gaze, he smiled slightly. His expression turned thoughtful, and then he turned to say something to the bartender chick in the fancy dress. Whatever he said, it earned him a wink. Bella decided to scan the room to see if she could find her coworker, Angela.

She saw no one else in the house she recognized, except Jasper, who nodded politely to her from the sofa. She gave him a small smile and decided to look for Angela in the back yard. It wasn't as crowded out there as it was in the house, so it seemed like a good place to make herself invisible.

She got to the French doors of the patio when someone called her name. She stopped, turned quickly to find Edward standing about six feet behind her. He was smiling, albeit awkwardly.

She just stood there, looking at him. Edward hadn't planned anything further than get drinks and talk to Bella. She gave him no expression, and he suddenly wondered if this was a good idea. But he'd already gotten her attention… "Something to drink?" he asked lamely.

Bella grimaced slightly, then looked at his hands. He was holding a bottle of beer in the left and a bottle of water in the right. The beer was full, but it was open. The water was sealed. She nodded toward the water.

Edward held out the water. He thought he must look foolish just standing there not saying anything, but she looked like she was about to bolt.

Bella bit her bottom lip and took the water hesitantly. He looked like he was trying to pet an alligator, and Bella considered, for the first time, how she must have looked in the bookstore that day. Embarrassment turned her face red, and she looked down at her borrowed shiny shoes.

A big guy wearing a fake white beard pushed past Bella and she realized she was blocking the doorway. She looked at Edward, then down at her feet, then back at Edward, then back at her feet, and finally made a decision. "Um…" she began, just as the words escaped her. She stepped out onto the patio and gestured to a long row of black wrought-iron tables and chairs along the side of the yard. Edward nodded, a genuine smile washing over his face, and followed her.

x – x – x – x – x

Despite his earlier decision not to mingle with the college kids, two beers and three Jägerbombs later Jake was on the dance floor, happily grinding against a plethora of hot drunken girls. When the current song ended, Jake's thirst led him back into the house, where a jam session seemed to be occurring in the living room. Alice's boyfriend had a guitar in his lap and a captive audience. Jake had to push through the crowd to get to the kitchen. Leaned over the bar chick's table Jake found the nicest ass he had ever seen. Firm, perky, and perfectly round, and clothed in black leather pants.

Jake adjusted himself discretely, and forced his eyes to wander North. There he found a head of luscious black hair, curled at the ends. _Gorgeous._

"Keep staring at my ass like that and it might catch fire," came a voice behind the hair. She tossed a few locks over her shoulder and spun to face Jake. "Like what you see?" she asked cockily.

"Very much," Jake admitted with a smirk. He eyes fixed on a red strapless top that looked more like a handkerchief than actual clothing. Under the scrap of red fabric, Jake could see tight abs and toned arms and shoulders. Her jaw was sharp and strong. She had large, dark eyes, heavily lined in black, and glossy lips. She looked dangerous. She was hot.

"I'm Jake."

"Leah," she replied, looking Jake up and down. Jake didn't miss the way her eyes kept returning to his belt.

"Dance?"

"Sure."

Jake led her outside, where Jamie Foxx's _Blame It_ was just starting. It didn't take long for Jake's hands to settle on her hips, or for Leah to grind those hips into his groin. After a few songs, Jake had a full hard-on, and it was clear by the wicked glint in her eyes that Leah knew exactly what she was doing, rubbing her ass against it as they danced.

When the DJ spun _Body Shots,_ Jake turned her around. Leah's hands roamed over Jake's body as they writhed on the patio like they were the only ones there. His hard abs, his tight ass… she was loving every part of him.

She wondered if he looked as good naked as he felt through his clothes, and slid her hands up under Jake's shirt. He was rock solid under the tee, with skin so hot he felt feverish. A small moan escaped her lips.

He couldn't take it anymore. Jake's hands wrapped around Leah's waist, pulling her against him, and brought his lips down on hers. Leah responded by sliding a leg between Jake's, pressing her thigh against his erection. She parted her lips, drawing his tongue into her mouth, sucking on it.

For several songs, Jake's self-control was holding on by a thread. Leah was six kinds of hot with sexy drizzled on top. Every time she dragged her fingernails lightly down Jake's torso or pressed her chest against his, it took every ounce of self-control not to pick her up and carry her off. Jake could feel the heat between her thighs, and the way her eyelids got heavy when he nibbled on her chin and neck told him she was as turned on as he was.

Jake slid his hands up her body and tangled them into her hair. Leah shivered when his hot breath tickled her ear lobe, whispering, "Maybe we should take this somewhere a little more private."

x – x – x – x – x

Most of the bistro tables were vacant. Bella noticed almost everyone was gathered around the big table in the gazebo, or around the DJ booth on the patio. She picked a table midway between the two and angled her chair toward the side gate. Edward moved the other chair so that it was exactly opposite her and sat down. Neither said anything for a long moment, both looking like two awkward middle-schoolers on their first date. Then they spoke at once.

"You must think I'm a total spaz," Bella said, the same time Edward apologized: "I am so sorry I scared you." They laughed, and then neither of them wanted to speak next, both gesturing to the other to go ahead. Finally Edward gave in.

"I just wanted you to know that I didn't mean to startle you like that. I didn't see the ear buds in your ear. I swear to God I will never sneak up you like that again." Edward smiled apologetically at Bella.

"I will try not to freak out the next time you say hello," she replied shyly.

Edward chuckled, which made Bella smile. She rubbed her hip with one hand, feeling the long round shape of a can of pepper spray in the pocket of her jeans. Her gaze shifted to the patio, where twenty or thirty people were dancing. She saw Jake above all the rest, dancing with an exotic looking girl in a barely-there red tank top.

Edward followed Bella's gaze. "I saw you when you came in with him. You looked… different, though," he said, his hand hovering over his head in the spot the flower had been placed on Bella's.

"Alice," Bella shrugged bashfully.

"It looks nice. It's very '_League of Their Own_ goes to Cuba'." Edward grinned as Bella's eyes fell into her lap and the light from the DJ booth highlighted her blushing cheeks.

When Bella looked up again, Edward was staring at her. "Alice sure knows how to theme a party," Bella said, changing the subject to something other than herself.

"She's very thorough. You should see the Hemingway quote over the bar in the kitchen."

"_An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools?"_ Bella guessed, a smile playing on her lips.

That made Edward laughed out loud. "No, but that would have been a good one. Are you familiar with Hemingway?" he asked.

"_There is no friend as loyal as a book_," she quoted. "My first Hemingway novel was _For Whom the Bell Tolls._" Bella's eyes were bright and her voice confident as she gave Edward her opinion on it. She also told him what she liked about _The Short Happy Life of Francis Maycomber_ and _The Sun Also Rises._ This was the side of Bella that Edward liked, and he kept the discussion buoyant by recalling every piece of classical fiction he ever read. Each one he named, Bella had read it as well. As the night wore on, Edward became increasingly impressed with Bella's knowledge of not only literature, but art, as well. She continued to surprise him, something very few people seemed to do.

x – x – x – x – x

"Hey, Bells. You hanging around here for a while?" Jake's eyes were bright, either from the alcohol or the hot chick he'd been dancing with. Bella grinned at him, then raised an eyebrow in silent question. _Why?_

"Uh, I'm taking off." He looked back at Leah, winking at her. "Are you sober enough to drive home?" he asked, trying to sound authoritative.

"Don't worry," she answered with amusement, picking up the empty water bottle and shaking it. "Nothing but Dasani." Jake's face relaxed measurably.

"See you at home, then." He nodded to Edward and jogged back to the girl. Bella smirked at the way he swooped down on her, his face in her neck, his hands on her hips. It was pervy, she thought, but kind of cute. Curious, she pulled out her cell phone at looked at the time. It was just after 1 a.m. She'd been talking to Edward for three hours.

"Oh, wow. I should be going, too," she said. She stood up and pulling her car keys from her back pocket.

Edward frowned, standing up as well. He realized he'd had more fun than he had in ages. Every date he had ever been on, here in L.A. or back home in Seattle, had been a complete waste of time, he realized now. No girl had ever demonstrated the passion or intelligence Bella had shown him tonight. But this wasn't a date. He wanted a date.

"Thanks for sitting and talking with me," he said sincerely. "I'd really like to do this again. The Getty Center has a great art collection - maybe we could check it out next week?"

The Getty Center was on Bella's list of museums to see, particularly their collection of 19th and 20th century photography. She looked back at Jake, who was walking away with the dark-haired girl. "Sure. I'd like that."

**Was this what you expected? Yes? No? Let me know! Chapter 7 is the first date, ladies. Cross your fingers for these two!**

**Also, I should tell you, Jake and I had problems this chapter. He **_**really**_** wanted to get laid. But this isn't his story. This is Bella's story. I don't want Jake's horniness messing up my story, and I told him so. Then he took his shirt off, and I forgot what I was saying.**

**Long story short, we compromised. Between chapters 6 and 7 will be an outtake detailing the rest of Jake's evening. Pucker up ladies, it's a lemony one. =)**

**Reviews are love. Thank you for reading!**


	7. Chapter 6 outtake  Jake and Leah

**Disclaimer: As always, I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.**

**Timeline-wise, this is still Chapter 6. **

**You're welcome, Jake.**

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Leah's black Saab was as sexy as she was, and she drove it like she stole it, hard and reckless. It wasn't new, probably a hand-me-down from her old man, but it was in mint condition, and _fast_. Bumping Ludacris on the sound system, tinted windows rolled down, she shifted gears like she was racing to a finish line, and it was hot as fuck. Jake's cock ached the entire way to Sherman Oaks.

Leah's place was in a huge three-story complex on Sepulveda. Leah parked in the back and set the car alarm. They stumbled, kissing and groping, through the center courtyard, which was full of cement planters and towering palm trees. Jake started to get turned around inside the courtyard when Leah grabbed his hand and pulled him to a first-floor door.

Leah unlocked the door noisily in her eagerness to get it open. She entered quickly, pulling Jake inside. There was a small kitchen to his left, and a long hallway that led to the rest of the apartment. Jake kicked the door closed behind him, shoving her roughly against the adjacent wall.

Leah gasped with surprise as Jake lifted her by her hips. She wrapped her legs around his waist as their mouths collided. With Leah wrapped around him Jake had a free hand, which he slid up her back, making her shiver. When he reached the bow that held her top on, he pulled the string. The red fabric fell away as Jake bent to take Leah's right breast into his mouth. She moaned and arched her back, pushing against his face, and started to slide down the wall.

"I think we better take this somewhere else," she said huskily, her nails lightly clawing through Jake's tight black shirt. Jake stepped away just enough for Leah to stand, but kept his lips on her body. Her neck, her collarbone, her chest, all covered in hot kisses. With a small moan, Leah grabbed Jake's hand again and pulled him down the hall.

Jake headed for a red sofa on the left, just past the kitchen, but Leah pulled him to the right. There, in a little nook, was a queen sized bed with a black comforter on it. Walking backwards, Leah led him to the bed.

She sat down on it, her face level with Jake's zipper. She slid a hand over the bulge behind it and Jake sucked in a breath, restraining a groan. Smirking at his reaction, she reached for the button, only to be stopped by two big hands. She looked up questioningly.

"You first."

Jake leaned down over Leah, eyes narrowed. She bit her lower lip teasingly and laid back on the bed. Jake's mouth invaded hers, each others' tongues teasing and fighting for dominance. Leah pulled at Jake's shirt and he slipped it over his head, tossed it behind him, then lifted her feet off the floor. He removed her heels one at a time, then slid his hands all the way up her legs to the waistband of her pants. He undid the side zipper and tugged the pants down off of Leah's hips, finding a black lace thong.

"Oh fuck," he breathed. He quickly pulled her pants all the way off, and they joined Jake's shirt on the floor.

Elbows holding her up on the bed, Leah smiled at Jake's expression, staring at the tiny strip of material between her legs. Jake caught her watching him and laughed at himself. "These need to go too," he murmured, removing them as well.

Leah expected Jake to remove his pants next, and gasped when he instead dropped to his knees before her. With one quick move, Jake had his hands under her hips and pulled her to the edge of the bed. His face between her thighs, he looked at her, eyebrows slightly raised. She gave a small, single nod.

Jake groaned at the taste of Leah. She tasted sweet and musky, and was smooth as silk. He wanted to devour her. As his tongue swirled and stroked and teased, his hands roamed her body – her hips, her backside, her breasts. Egged on by her moans and sighs, Jake placed a hand over her belly, and with the other, traced her wet folds. He slid one finger inside her and moaned at the snug warmth enveloping his finger. He heard a jagged breath and her low, raspy voice demanding more. He happily complied, inserting a second finger and returning his mouth to her core.

Soon, Leah's hips began to rise off the bed in rhythm with Jake's fingers. Jake grinned, sucking lightly as she pushed his head against her, and moments later she bucked almost completely off the bed, crying out as her orgasm crashed over her. Jake nearly came just witnessing it.

"Holy shit," she breathed. Her arms lay limp at her sides. Jake smirked, kicking off his shoes. He laid down next to her, watching her gradually come down and back into the moment. She turned her head to look at him, and grinned lazily. "So good. I owe you." Jake chuckled.

Leah motioned for Jake to move up on the bed, and she rolled over so she was sitting on her knees. She unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans. He lifted his hips to assist her as she yanked them down and off. Once Jake was completely on the bed and naked, she crawled up between his legs, her hands grazing his skin all the way from his calves to his erection. She gave it one long stroke, Jake sucking in a hard breath, before her mouth descended, enveloping Jake in warmth. He moaned loudly, his head tilting back.

She was very good. Her hands never left his body, twisting and pumping around him while her tongue felt like it was everywhere at once. She had the suction down to a science, and each time she looked up at him through her eyelashes, his cock in her mouth, he couldn't help but groan, which Leah responded to with a sexy little moan of her own. A moan that sent heavenly vibrations to his cock. Jake pictured fishing trips with Billy, baseball, and state capitals – anything to prolong the ecstasy that was her mouth. But he was still too close to going over the edge. He reached for her, pulling her up his body, and then rolling them both over.

Jake reached in the dark for his jeans, retrieving a condom from his back pocket. He skillfully removed it from the wrapper and slid it over his length, placing himself at her entrance. He kissed her hard, invading her mouth with his tongue, then again looked at her in question. Seeking permission. She responded by locking her ankles around his ass and pulling him down onto her. He took that as a 'go', and let out a whispered stream of expletives at the feel of being inside her.

Jake started a slow rhythm, and Leah matched him with each thrust, lifting up to meet him. The pace quickened as breaths became more ragged and moans got louder. Leah was clawing at Jake's shoulders and back. Jake alternated between sucking on Leah's breasts and watching himself sliding in and out of her, wishing like hell that he could do both at the same time.

Jake felt Leah starting to tighten around him. He lifted her legs, placing her feet on his chest, and reached around her leg to massage her clit. "Fuck," she gasped, fisting the comforter. "Fuck, so close." So was Jake. His thrusts grew deeper and harder, pounding into her while his thumb circled more urgently. Leah's back arched off the bed, her eyes rolling back in her head, her mouth frozen in a silent scream. As her orgasm ripped through her, she clenched around Jake, setting off his own.

Jake redressed while Leah used the restroom. He sat on the red sofa to tie up his shoes. In front of him was a wall-mounted flat-screen TV. It was huge - he wondered how he'd missed that on the way in. He also noticed a low, wide bookshelf underneath it. Amongst various fashion and fiction books were a few motorcycle magazines and a Harley-Davidson manual. He blinked hard when he realized there was a black motorcycle helmet sitting right in front of him. He imagined a pissed off biker walking in and fucking Jake up for boning his girlfriend. _Shit._ The mood of the evening effectively ruined, Jake really wanted to get the hell out of there.

Leah came out of the bathroom in a pair of white yoga pants and a dark pink hoodie. Two large doves were embroidered on the front, and the words 'Harley-Davidson' were embroidered down each arm. She grimaced at Jake's expression, then followed his gaze to the helmet on the bookshelf.

She picked it up and tossed it at him. Stunned, Jake barely caught it before it hit the ground. "What the hell-" he started to say, when he noticed the graphic on the helmet.

A charcoal-gray skull. Wearing a red bow on its head. _Oh. _

_Oh!_

"That manual and those magazines belong to you?"

Leah smirked. "Yup."

"You ride?"

She laughed. "Surprised or impressed? I have an '11 Superlow in my garage. Yeah, I ride."

Jake shook his head in awe. _ Boyfriend bullet dodged, and I just fucked an insanely hot chick that rides a Harley. Oh, this is a good night._ "Both."

Leah slipped on pair of flip-flops. "You need a ride home?"

"Oh. Uh…" Jake felt embarrassed now. He hadn't really thought the evening this far ahead, and now he needed to get from Sherman Oaks to Culver City at… he looked at his cell phone… 2:30 in the morning. _Shit._

"It's cool. I ditched my girl at the party to leave with you, and have to go back for her anyway. I can drop you off."

"I'd like to see your ride sometime," Jake admitted, standing.

"Give me your cell phone," she purred. Jake handed it to her and she quickly typed her phone number in. Then she grabbed her keys and headed for the door.

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**Seriously, I need some reviews on this one. First posted lemon, y'all. Yum? Yuck? I needs ta know, or I'm not writing any more lemons… **

**(If threats don't work on you, then I was just kidding. But if they do… I mean it, no more lemons!)**


	8. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.**

**As always, a big thanks to my betas Ms CVG, Louise Clark, and Rissa.**

**Also, I'm working on an album of Bella's photography… be on the lookout for a link, possibly next chapter!**

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Jake woke up Sunday morning to the sound of Bella pouring cereal into a bowl. He sat up groggily. Having drank so much beer and Jägerbombs the night before, mouth felt thick and grimy, and his morning wood was painful. He got up and staggered sleepily to the bathroom to pee and brush his teeth.

"Hey," Bella greeted when the bathroom door opened. "How did you get home?" Jake ran his hand over his face and then stretched his arms out over his head. His shoulder popped loudly, a sound that made Bella physically cringe.

Jake saw her cringe and shot her a questioning look.

"That sound. Creeps me out," Bella confessed, and shuddered.

Jake shrugged and answered her question. "Leah drove me home."

Bella nodded thoughtfully, starting intently at the little cereal flakes floating in milk. Suddenly she glanced up at him with a little smirk. "Did you…?"

Jake grinned. "A gentleman never tells."

"Jake! You slut," she exclaimed, pretending to be shocked.

"That hurts," Jake joked, hands pressed over his heart. "She's cool. I definitely want to see her again. What about you?" he asked, stealing Bella's cereal and scooping a huge spoonful into his mouth. "You going to see McDreamy again?"

Bella shot him an annoyed look. "I'll tell you about last night if you stop calling him that." She snatched back her bowl of cereal.

"So…" Jake encouraged. "You talked a long time, I noticed." He chuckled, remembering how he actually hadn't noticed Bella with Edward – not until some of the drunker girls on the patio stopped dancing. They were gathered together in front of the DJ's booth, glaring, whispering, and pouting. "Actually, a lot of people noticed. Half the girls dancing out there had their eyes on you two. I think doctor boy has a few admirers."

"I wouldn't doubt it," she admitted. "He asked me to go to a museum with him."

"You gonna go?"

"Well, I wanted to go to the Getty Center anyway. Seemed logical." She shrugged uncomfortably.

"Getty - is that that huge white thing up on the hill?" Jake stole the cereal back from Bella, eating another heaping spoonful. It was soggy now. He made a face and set the bowl on the counter.

"Jake, focus."

"Sorry. Okay. So a pretty boy asked you out on a nice geeky date," he summarized. Jake inspected Bella for a moment, leaning against the sink, chewing on her lip, not looking him in the face. "Yet here you are, sounding like you couldn't care less, and looking absolutely terrified."

Bella's eyes shot up to Jake's. His expression had _tell me I'm wrong_ all over it. She looked away.

"Tell me I'm wrong," he challenged her. Bella gave a low _hmph_ and pushed away from the sink, walking away from him.

Jake turned to her retreating figure. "I don't get it, Bells. You're so verbal at school. I heard that Angela girl say that nobody can shut you up in your Lit class. Last night I saw you talking to McDr-" Bella gave him the evil eye and he corrected himself, "_Edward_ last night with no problem,but here, with me, your family, you clam up like you've got lockjaw or something. What gives?"

Once Bella crossed the room she sat on the futon sofa, her back to Jake. When she didn't immediately answer, she heard Jake's heavy footsteps behind her, and he plopped down next to her.

"Academics aren't the problem, Jake. I can discuss literature all day long."

"And you were discussing homework with Edward all night last night?" Jake eyed her dubiously.

Bella chuckled humorlessly. "Pretty much. He started talking about Hemingway, and we ended up discussing books and art all evening. I didn't have to talk about _me_."

Jake rubbed his head in frustration and sighed. "I don't get it."

"Let's say every time you meet somebody, they want to talk about the day your mom died, or how poor you were growing up, or maybe how your dad will never walk again," Bella answered sarcastically. "How conversational do you think you'd be?"

Stunned, Jake just stared at her. Bella diverted her eyes, her uneven breaths betraying the blank expression she fought to maintain.

"I don't even know where the fuck that came from, but maybe you need to clock a few extra hours at the shrink this week," Jake finally answered, his voice tight.

Bella flinched – not only at the tone of his voice, but at his suggestion as well. She hadn't logged any hours at the therapist this week. Or at all – not since they got to L.A. She didn't even know the referral doctor's name. The paperwork was in the bottom of a box somewhere in the loft. Bella still had several refills left on her Xanax prescription, and she was being very thrifty with her pills. She had no need to see a doctor yet.

She just hadn't shared that tidbit of information with either Charlie or Jake.

The tension in the room was suffocating. Jake was about two seconds from telling her off when he realized what she was getting at. She was so damned closed off sometimes; it was increasingly difficult to communicate with her. It was exhausting. He sighed heavily.

"Bella, look at me." She did, begrudgingly. "There is more to you than the things that have happened in your life. That prison bitch James, or even your shit-for-brains mother… they don't define who you are. And you can't shut out the world just to prevent ever having to talk about either."

Bella closed her eyes. "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

She buried her face in her lap, pulling on the sleeve of that goddamn hoodie, avoiding life. This was becoming entirely too routine for her, and it pissed Jake off. He stood up without saying a word, slipped behind the sheet hung to separate his sleeping area, and pulled on a pair of baggy jeans. He grabbed a wrinkled black t-shirt off the floor angrily, slipped on his Vans, and opened the door to leave.

He turned around to look at her. She was staring at him blankly. "You came here to start over," Jake pointed at her. "Yet there you sit, pushing away anyone who tries to get near you, afraid to let anybody in, not even really living. This shit is not healthy, Bella." He just shook his head, and walked out the door. It slammed behind him.

Bella counted his steps as he stomped down the stairs and flinched when the iron gate slammed shut.

x – x – x – x – x

The conversation with Jake ran on loop in Bella's mind all day at work. For the most part, she knew that he was right. But the little voice in the back of her head, the one she seemed to listen to most often, told her that Jake didn't understand and never would. Bella came out of the back room with a heavy crate full of candy and gum. The racks under the bookstore counter were looking a little bare, and she wanted to keep herself too busy to think about this anymore. She saw him standing there, hands in his pockets, messenger bag across his chest. Smiling at her.

"Hi," Edward said quietly.

"Hi."

"I came by yesterday afternoon, but you weren't here," he admitted. He'd actually come by Monday, too, but didn't want to tell her that. He felt pathetic enough as it was.

"I have Sociology on Tuesdays, so Alice lets me come in just in the morning," Bella answered awkwardly.

"Are you free Saturday?" he asked, his expression hopeful. Bella noticed his smile was a little crooked. It was kind of cute.

"I'm off all day Saturday," she answered. She exhaled, her breath unsteady.

Edward smiled wider. "Can I pick you up at one o'clock? We can see the museum and have an early dinner?"

_Not a chance,_ she thought. "Actually, I'll be out running errands so I'll just meet you there," she lied.

"You can," he said hesitantly. "But parking is very limited, and they charge you $15 per car. If I pick you up, we can save the environment and a few bucks. Two birds, one stone." He grinned.

Out of the corner of her eye, Bella saw Alice cross the room. She was making gestures behind Edward, and seemed to be doing a puppet show with her fingers – one hand was Bella, and the other was apparently Edward. Bella rolled her eyes when she figured out it was the _Let Edward Pick You Up_ show.

Edward's grin turned into a frown at Bella's eye roll.

"No, um, Alice." Bella pointed behind Edward, and he turned to see Alice standing about twenty feet behind him, humming and pretending to straighten a rack of UCLA hoodies. They both stood there staring at her, until finally she turned around and grinned, waving at them innocently. Edward chuckled.

"You can pick me up at my place then." Her voice wavered, and Edward picked up on that.

"I _have_ already met the big protective roommate," Edward joked.

"Right." Bella blushed. On a scratch piece of paper, she wrote down her address. "I live upstairs." She handed the paper to Edward.

Edward smiled brightly. "Thanks. Okay, I'll see you Saturday."

Edward didn't stay and study. He told Bella good-bye and waved to Alice, and headed home.

Alice was positively vibrating with excitement. "I knew he would ask you out!" she clapped, bouncing up to the counter. "I saw you guys at the party. You were _totally_ wrapped up in each other. Where is he taking you?"

Bella suppressed another eye roll. "It's no big deal, Alice. We're just going to the Getty Center."

Bella stocked the candy display around the counter. She looked up to see Alice staring at her with wide eyes. "For dinner?"

Confused, Bella shook her head. "Uh, no. Can you even eat there? We're just going to see art. During the day."

"When are you going?"

"Saturday."

"Eek! Bella, that's only three days away! No, that works. No problem. Wait fifteen minutes for me after we close today. I'll do my paperwork fast and then we can go straight to the mall."

"For _what_?"

"Clothes," Alice stated, as if it should be obvious. "Honestly, Bella. A hoodie and baggy jeans are not date attire."

"It's not a date, Alice," Bella protested.

x – x – x – x – x

Alice had been right on both counts. Edward picked Bella up wearing crisp khaki slacks and a rich blue button-down. Looking at him standing just inside her loft, or gawking, as the case were, she was suddenly very grateful for Alice. The pixie's ambush-by-mall had ended with Bella purchasing some cream-colored khaki slacks and a navy blue lightweight sweater. She was borrowing a pair of flats from Alice, and left her wavy hair down for once.

"You look beautiful," Edward said to her softly. Bella blushed.

"You match," Jake chuckled. Bella shot him a pleading look. This was possibly worse than even her father being here.

Edward picked up on Jake's mood. "So is this the part where I promise you I'll bring her back safely?" he smirked.

Jake shrugged. "Wouldn't really have the same impact. I don't have Officer Swan's double-barrel shotgun to threaten you with."

Edward shot Bella a grin and a quirked eyebrow. She took the opportunity to end this embarrassing conversation and leave. "Okay, so I'll see you later, Jake. We really should get going…"

x – x – x – x – x

Bella and Edward spent nearly three hours wandering the exhibits inside the Getty Center, discussing their favorite pieces. Edward suggested that they check out the gardens, and led her outside. They were stunning, particularly the maze-like circular design surrounded by fountains and benches. Bella noticed that they were overlooking downtown L.A. She pulled her camera out of her purse and snapped several pictures as they wandered around.

"It smells amazing," Bella breathed.

"Part of the design," Edward nodded.

Bella realized that Edward had been leading her around the museum all afternoon, like a guide. He seemed to know a lot about it. "How many times have you been here?" Bella wondered.

"Probably a dozen," Edward smiled. "Whenever my mom comes to visit, she likes to come here. She's an architect – she loves the building, the gardens, and the view."

"Oh," Bella said softly. She leaned against the railing separating the museum from the grassy hillside, and pretended to look intently at the skyline of the city below. She rarely thought about her own mother anymore, but she wondered now whether Renee would like this view. Maybe she'd already seen it. Knowing Renee, Los Angeles would have been on her to-do list at some point over the years. Bella sighed.

Edward placed a hand softly on Bella's shoulder to get her attention. "Would you like to get something to eat?"

Bella looked around her. They'd seen all five galleries, the gorgeous view, and the stunning gardens. It had been a lovely day. Bella realized she'd been comfortable all afternoon with Edward – something she had not expected. She was almost encouraged by it. But all too quickly, the paranoid voice in her head spoke up, reminding her of every bad thing that could possibly happen. It never left her; she was always on the defensive.

She looked back at Edward and sighed. "Sure, we can go."

"Actually, I made reservations for the restaurant here. If you'd like."

Edward led Bella to the restaurant. It was early, and the restaurant was not crowded. They were seated next to a window overlooking a stunning view of the mountains, at an elegantly set table with a white linen tablecloth. She opened the menu and realized that Alice had been correct on her second assumption – this was, indeed, a date. _A very expensive date._

Bella's chest tightened as her heart sped up suddenly. Her hands began to tremble and she felt dizzy. It took her a moment to realize she was having another anxiety attack. She looked around – no one seemed to notice her, and Edward was intently reading the menu. Bella snatched her purse from under her feet and stood abruptly.

"I'm going to go to the ladies' room, I'll be back in a moment," she tried to smile. Edward smiled and nodded.

She reached the handicapped stall and locked it behind her, sliding to the floor. Her breathing had become shallow, and she attempted to steady herself while she dug in her purse for her pillbox. Inside the gold case were several little peach-colored pills. Some were whole, some cut in half. Bella placed a whole one under her tongue and let it dissolve.

She leaned against the wall for a couple minutes, waiting for the pill to kick in. When her breathing had calmed, and her hands were no longer trembling, she stood slowly. She splashed her face with water in the bathroom sink and washed her hands. Then she took a deep breath and headed back to the table, wondering, for the first time, how long she had been gone.

When she reached the table, drinks and little crab cakes were sitting there waiting for her, as was Edward. He stood as she approached, not sitting until she did so. His gesture flustered her.

The waiter had come by when Bella was gone, so Edward had ordered two colas and an appetizer. "I hope you like crab," he said, placing a crab cake on his plate.

"That's fine, thank you." Bella copied Edward's movements.

Edward hadn't been too concerned when Bella had left for the ladies' room, nor was he bothered by the time she took. But when she returned, her face was pale, her skin dewey, as if she had been sweating. She sat there sipping her soda, appearing to watch the sun set over the mountains, a half-smile on her face.

"Are you feeling alright?" he asked.

Unwilling to explain the situation to him honestly, she picked up her glass and took a large sip. "I think I just needed to eat something. Blood sugar, or something." To illustrate her lie, she took a bite of the crab cake on her plate. She was surprised by the sudden desire to moan. _Oh my god, good._

"These are unbelievable," she commented. Edward smiled brightly. The waiter came by then to take their dinner order. She lifted her menu and read thru it quickly, searching for the first thing that looked good. Edward ordered the prime beef tenderloin. On the right margin of the menu, next to the tenderloin, was printed the number 40. The price made her uncomfortable, and she switched strategy, now looking for the least expensive one.

"I'll have the mushroom ravioli," she told the waiter. As he left, Bella did the math in her head. This meal was easily going to cost over $100, _before_ a tip. _How could anyone afford this? _she wondered. She finished the crab cake on her plate before asking Edward, "have you eaten here before?"

"With my family, yes." He continued eating, seemingly unaware of the $30 appetizer on his plate. In Bella's entire life, she'd never seen a restaurant charge so much for food, and it was a bit staggering. She had been to a nice restaurant in Port Angeles once, although apparently not _this_ nice.

James had taken her out for her 18th birthday, to a cute little Italian restaurant. The night had started out quite well. James had come to the door to pick up Bella and complimented her outfit. The drive there was quiet, and the meal was delicious. They'd just finished eating when James told her he had a hotel room waiting for them. He had wanted that night to be "the night", and became upset when Bella refused. So upset, in fact, that he stormed out of the restaurant, leaving Bella with the tab. Once she'd paid, she rushed out of the restaurant, hoping he hadn't left her there.

He was sitting in his car, smoking. She got in the passenger side and tried to apologize, and explain to him that she just wasn't ready. James cranked the volume on the radio all the way up and took off out of the parking lot so fast Bella got thrown into the door before she could buckle her seat belt. He had seethed the entire way home, not saying a word. He never even wished her a happy birthday.

This meal would probably be more than twice as much as that one.

The Xanax was doing its job, Bella's anxiety at bay for the time being, but she couldn't help wondering Edward's intentions. She wished now that she'd asked more questions earlier in the week. If she had known what this place would be like, she'd never have agreed to come with him.

"Bella?"

Bella realized Edward was asking her a question. "I'm sorry. What did you say?"

"I asked about your father. It sounded like Jake said he was a cop?"

Bella nodded. "He still is a cop. In the small town I grew up in."

"Oh, where did you grow up?"

Bella made a dismissive gesture. "Just some tiny town in Washington."

Edward grinned. "I'm from Seattle. My parents still live there. My father works at the Seattle Children's Hospital."

"So you're following in his footsteps?"

"In a way. I have no desire to run the place, though. To sit behind a desk, disconnected from the patients – that's not for me. I want to be in the O.R."

The food came and they ate while Edward attempted to make small talk. He asked about Bella's major in English, and told her about Emmett's football career. She nodded politely and gave short answers. Edward noticed she didn't ask anything of him.

The drive to Bella's was equally quiet. Though chemically relaxed, her mind muddled through the possible endings for the evening. What bothered her most were the delayed mental reflexes in her current state. She twisted the strap of her handbag in her hands, regretting having taken the pill now.

The silence in the car was uncomfortable. Edward turned the radio on; the DJ was whispering a romantic song dedication. Edward flipped to the next channel; top 40 hits. It wasn't his kind of music, but it seemed neutral enough. He left it there.

Edward walked Bella to the door like a gentleman. She pulled her keys out of her handbag, trepidation seeping through the cracks of her calm.

"Thank you for coming with me today."

"I had a good time." She swallowed nervously. "And thank you for dinner."

Edward looked awkwardly at his feet, debating. But when he looked into her face, at her warm eyes, at her heart-shaped face, at her long chestnut hair, he knew. He wanted to see her again. Soon.

"There is a beach about an hour from here. It's got cliffs and caves and tide pools, and it's just stunning first thing in the morning and right around sunset. You seem to like taking pictures…" he grinned as she looked at him curiously. "I'd love to take you, if you'd like. Maybe next weekend?"

"I love the beach," Bella said, more to herself than to Edward. She looked at Edward, trying to figure out his angle, but it was hard to concentrate – a side effect of the happy pills. It was like trying to wade through quicksand; she hated it. She wondered how the evening would have gone if she had tried to muscle through the evening without medicinal help. _Embarrassingly,_ she decided with a sigh.

A part of her realized Edward was still waiting for an answer.

"Oh, um," she stalled. She bit her lip as she tried to decide the right answer. She still didn't know what he was after.

_He seems so nice… _she thought to her self. _But don't they all? _

_God, he's cute_, she mused.

_But look where that got you before,_ a voice in her head argued.

_He's still waiting for an answer,_ another reminded her.

Panicked, she blurted out a quick "yes!" Edward's shock at her tone was quickly replaced with a wide smile. He would see her again. This was good.

"I think I'm off Sunday," Bella added sheepishly. "I will check."

"You've made my night, thank you. Well, good night, Bella." The next thing Bella realized, he was jogging down the stairs and driving away.

x – x – x – x – x

Jake exited the bathroom in a smoke-screen of steam. Drops of water fell from his spiky hair to his chest and back, beading up on his russet skin before trailing slowly down toward his low-slung black lounge pants. A thin patch of dark hair started at his belly button, trailing down to the waistband.

"Ugh. Jake. Shirt." Cross-legged on the futon sofa, Bella placed on hand in front of her eyes.

"I didn't know you were home," he answered, crossing the loft to retrieve a t-shirt from his stack of clean laundry. "How was your date?"

"It wasn't a…" Bella paused, then sighed. "Okay, it was a date."

"And?"

"And it was fine. It was nice. But I'm so sleepy. Can I catch you up in the morning?" Bella slid the futon out flat and curled up on it, fully dressed.

"Can you sleep if I turn on the TV?"

"Like you're not even here," she mumbled, pulling a pillow and blanket from under the futon. In moments, she was covered up, blanket over her head, and dead to the world.

x – x – x – x – x

The diner door chimed as Jake held it open for Bella. They were greeted by a 40-something waitress with 20-something cleavage and bleach blond hair. Jake asked for the back corner booth, and she led them to it, pouring them each a cup of coffee and leaving the menus with a promise to give them a minute to look over the menus.

"That's alright," Jake responded. "We know what we want." He pointed at the sign in the window listing the breakfast special: three of each of the following: eggs, bacon, sausage, and pancakes, with a side of cheesy hash browns. "I'll have the Daniel Baldwin. Bells?"

"The Twiggy," Bella answered. That was cheap diner lingo for toast and fruit. The waitress nodded and walked away.

"Why do you always order that?" Bella asked in annoyance.

"Because I'm hungry," Jake grinned.

"It's so mean," she mumbled.

"I doubt Daniel Baldwin minds. Tell me about your date."

Bella told him about all the exhibits, and the amazing view outside in the gardens. She hardly noticed when the waitress brought their food and refilled their coffees. "I have to take you there, Jake. You can see for a hundred miles on a clear day. It's beautiful."

"Sure, sure," Jake nodded, scarfing down his breakfast. "So that's it? You saw the museum and came home?"

"Except for the $150 he threw down for a fancy hilltop dinner at the Getty."

Jake whistled.

"Exactly. That's an insane amount of money for a college student to throw down on two plates of food. It makes no sense." Bella speared a grape and popped it in her mouth, chewing unenthusiastically. "Unless you want something in return."

Jake set his fork down and stared at Bella. "What happened?"

Bella shook her head. "Nothing, actually. He was a perfect gentleman."

Jake picked up his fork and resumed eating, mumbling to himself, "I was gonna say… bust the bastard's knee caps… even think about trying…"

His incoherent threats of violence made Bella smile. But she did not want to encourage him. "This is so not about you, brother."

"Okay, then. So you had a good time, you had an apparently kick-ass meal, nobody tried to cop a feel…. what's the problem? He didn't ask you out again?"

"He wants to go out next weekend."

Confusion washed over Jake's face, and then frustration. "I don't speak 'girl', Bells. Help me understand the problem."

Bella stirred the fruit in the bowl before her. "I can't help but wonder why he threw that kind of money around, if he doesn't want something in return. You know? I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. It just doesn't feel right."

"So you'd rather he have kissed you, even though you didn't want him to…?"

"That's not what I mean. I don't know what I mean." Bella sighed. "All I know is that my life was so much less complicated in Forks. Spending weekends hanging around with you and the pack in La Push. I never had to worry about expectations with you guys. I never wondered what you were trying to get out of the deal."

Jake set his fork down again and looked Bella right in the eye. "So, what – you someday want to settle down with some poor kid from the rez? Live a quiet, uneventful life, sleeping well at night because you know he has nothing to offer you, so he can't expect anything in return?"

Bella's eyes went wide at Jake's words. It stunned her. "That sounds really shitty, Jake."

"Yeah, Bells, it sure does." Jake stared angrily at her as he spoke.

"I never said that, and don't twist my words." He shoveled pancakes and hash browns into his mouth, immaturely avoiding the conversation. Bella stirred her coffee, aggravated by Jake's assumption.

With a frustrated sigh, Jake broke the silence first. "Then what are you saying?"

Instead of answering, Bella wrapped her hands around her coffee cup and looked at the food she had no intention of eating.

Jake softened his tone. "When are you going to stop short-changing yourself?"

Bella met Jake's gaze with surprise.

"We grew up without a lot of things, sure. We had fun hanging out, wasting the summers away. Doing without, making do. I'm grateful to both my father and yours for everything we did have." Jake finished his cup of coffee and set it at the edge of the table. "But that's not going to be my lot in life forever. And it doesn't have to be yours. Christ, look around you. Look where we are. Look what you are doing! Going to school, preparing for the future. You deserve everything the world has to offer."

Bella fidgeted uncomfortably in her seat. She opened her mouth to speak, but Jake cut her off. "Let me finish. Stop being afraid of what else is out there for you. You deserve better than what you have had up until this point." Jake paused to let that sink in, and shoveled a huge forkful of pancake into his mouth. "And maybe that includes a pretty future doctor who spends money on you just because he enjoys the pleasure of your company."

Bella leaned back in the booth, her hands wrapped around her waist. It all sounded good, what Jake said, but it wasn't realistic. That's just not how the world works. She knew Charlie and Billy had done what they could, trying to raise kids by themselves, but Charlie never pretended to enjoy it. He had no idea what to do with a little girl. He loved her, she knew, but she was essentially just a large obligation. One that her mother, Renee, had decided wasn't worth the trouble when Bella was four. The Quileute boys were nice to her because Jake demanded it, and then later on, because they enjoyed her cooking. James loved her truck until he bought that old Toyota, and then mostly seemed to like having an alibi and keeping tabs on the on-goings of Forks P.D.

Even Jake used her, in a way – to get over the death of his mother, to not be alone. People don't just hang around because they enjoy it. They stay because they have to, or because they want something in return. The question was: _what does Edward want?_

"Stop it." Jake's voice startled Bella out of her thoughts.

"Stop what?"

Jake rolled his eyes. "I know exactly what you're doing in that twisted little head of yours. It's okay to move on, Bells. It's healthy. It's necessary. Give the guy a chance."

Jake eyed Bella's plate.

"Eat."

* * *

**Reviews are love! Thanks for reading!**


	9. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.**

**Thanks, as always, to my betas Ms CVG, Louise Clark, and Rissa.  
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**As promised, here's Bella's photo album – **_**so far**_**. It will be updated throughout the story: **

**http:/ tinyurl. com/BellasAlbum **_** (no spaces, of course)**_

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Sociology class got out early on Tuesday. Bella had no other classes, she'd already been to work, and Jake wouldn't be home for at least five hours. She was hardly in the mood for company, but the thought of going back to the empty, silent loft didn't sound good, either. She decided to study in the library for a while.

The nearest library was in the center of campus – the Powell Library. The outside of it looked like a cathedral; the inside, a vintage train station. It was her favorite indoor place on campus. The first time she'd gone in, she'd gotten no studying done – she'd instead spent 45 minutes staring at the magnificent ceilings. She climbed the steps and found herself a study table near the main entrance, where she folded herself up into one of the wooden chairs and began reading _The Black Tulip._

As Edward turned into the parking lot off Manning Drive, he spotted a vintage red pick-up truck, and pulled in next to it. He set the alarm on his car and read the decal in the window behind the driver's seat: "Quileute Days 1982; La Push, WA." That had to be Bella's truck. He crossed campus to the bookstore to say hi.

"Hey Edward," Alice greeted as he walked in the door. "Bella's not here."

"How do you know I didn't come in here to see you?" Edward teased.

"Because I have worked here for two years and you learned my name two months ago. Face it, doll face, all you see is coffee and Bella." She smirked at him as he rolled his eyes. "She worked earlier. Sociology until 3:00. She usually goes home after class."

Edward thanked her and ordered his usual from a tall, olive-skinned barista. Instead of studying in the coffee shop like normal, he decided to try to catch Bella before she left. He tried to think of where she might be, but couldn't remember what she did on Tuesdays. He wandered campus aimlessly for twenty minutes, hoping to find her outside studying. When he reached the Powell library, he gave up. Deciding not to waste any more time, he jogged up the steps to get some studying done.

As he set his bag down on an empty table, Edward saw a girl in a baby blue hoodie. She had her brown hair twirled up in a bun, and little pieces of hair were falling around her face. A smile took over his face before he could stop himself. Remembering the bookstore incident, he made the effort to walk around the entire cluster of tables, approaching her head-on.

Bella looked up just as Edward reached her table. She noticed, with some curiosity, that a smile spread across her face.

"Can I join you?" Edward asked softly.

Bella moved her backpack off the table to the floor, and scooted her notebook over to make room for him next to her. Edward sat gracefully, quickly sliding a laptop and two textbooks out of his bag. For nearly two hours, the only sound either made was the turning of pages, the scribbling of Bella's pen into her notebook, and Edward's fingers clicking the keys on his laptop. When Bella's stomach suddenly growled, she nearly jumped at the noise. Her reaction elicited a surprised chuckle from Edward, which she giggled at.

"Hmm," Edward mused with a crooked grin. "Maybe we should take this somewhere with food."

Food sounded like a great idea to Bella, but him buying her dinner again did not. "Okay, but only if we go dutch."

Edward quirked an eyebrow at her. _Is she serious?_ Her bottom lip pinned between her teeth and her cautious eyes told him _yes, she is_. He frowned.

"Why is that?"

Bella faked a nonchalant shrug. "I just like to pay my own way."

Jake's words came to Edward's mind, and he decided not to argue the matter. Looking her in the eye, he gave a single nod, and closed up his laptop. "How does pizza sound?"

x – x – x – x – x

The little pizza joint on campus was the best deal around: two slices and a soda for five bucks.

Edward opened the door to the pizzeria for Bella, and followed her up the to the counter. She ordered first and paid the cashier, walking away to choose a table as Edward paid for his food. With a curious grin, he followed her to the first booth in the place, right next to the door they came in. She sat on the side that faced the door. Edward watched her, but said nothing, sliding in across from her, his back to the constant incoming and outgoing traffic of hungry college students.

They ate in awkward silence. Bella stole glances at Edward in between bites, frustratingly incapable of thinking of anything to say. She was still trying to figure out his angle, and kept getting distracted by his green eyes. Edward caught her staring as he finished his first slice of pizza, and grinned. That's when he realized they hadn't confirmed anything for the beach.

"Do you know if you are off Sunday?"

"Oh. Um, yeah. I'm off. What time did you want to go?"

Edward took a sip of soda, watching Bella. Her eyes kept darting behind him at every person who entered and exited the pizzeria. The way she sat so close to the edge of the seat, he held back a chuckle, imagining her getting up and walking off with one of them, leaving him just sitting there alone.

"I think you'll want to be around for sunset, to take photos," he said pointedly, trying to get her attention. Bella's eyes snapped back to Edward's, and he smiled. "How about I pick you up at 4:00. We can stop first and get something to eat, maybe have a picnic?"

_From a deli in Beverly Hills, no doubt, _she thought. "How about you bring the blanket, and I'll pack a picnic?" she countered.

He smirked at her offer, remembering the conversation earlier. "If I can drive," he bargained.

Bella considered that for a moment. "Okay, deal."

"Great. Now that that's settled, can I ask you a question?"

Bella stiffened visibly, and Edward backtracked. "You don't have to answer."

Bella sipped her soda through the straw as casually as she could manage. She set the cup back down, wrapping both hands around it. "Sure."

Edward eyed her curiously. "You chose probably _the_ noisiest and draftiest table in this whole place. Why?"

Bella's grasp on the cup tightened. She tried to maintain an even expression and shrugged, but it felt stiff even to her. She opened her mouth to answer him, but couldn't think of a reasonable lie. She inhaled and held it, willing a reasonable answer to come to mind. Before she could come up with anything, she realized Edward was speaking again.

"You do that in Lit class, too. Sit way down front, next to the door. Even though the lecture hall is never full."

Bella laughed nervously. "You're very observant."

Edward gave a one-shouldered shrug. "I'm just curious why that is."

"A little OCD, I guess," Bella lied with a fake smile. It was reasonable, at least. _And not far from the truth. _"I like always being by the door."

"Fair enough." Edward picked up his pizza and resumed eating.

Bella tried to mimic him, but ended up picking apart the second slice. She felt very uncomfortable, wondering what Edward was thinking about her, when he interrupted her thoughts.

"My brother has this thing with three's. He thinks they are good luck. Especially during football season, he does _everything _in three's. He will actually count out three chips and shove them in his mouth at once. Stirs his coffee three times. He triple-knots his shoes. He taps the brakes three times in his car. If his team is winning, I'm told he's even like that when he's, um, _with_ his girlfriend. It drives her crazy."

Bella laughed out loud at that. "I bet."

Bella's laughter fascinated Edward. Her shoulders relaxed, her face lit up, and the little wrinkle between her eyebrows completely vanished. He always thought she was a beautiful girl, but he learned at that moment that when she laughed, she was magnificent.

He grinned at her, glad she could not read his mind, and finally looked down at his empty tray. "Are you finished with yours?" he asked.

Bella glanced down at the destroyed slice of pizza. "Yeah. Thanks," she said as he picked it up and carried it off with his to the trash. She watched him dump the trays, smiling to herself. She suddenly realized she'd had fun this afternoon, for the most part. She had fun with _Edward._

She stood up as he approached the booth. Edward held the restaurant door open for her, and they made their way back to their cars. Edward smiled guiltily as they came upon their two cars, parked right next to each other. Bella shook her head, a small smirk on her face.

"So, if I don't see you at the bookstore before then, I'll pick you up at your place, Sunday, 4:00," Edward called over his car. He couldn't help a quick glance at Bella's lips, but he opted for a warm smile and a wave as he got in and drove away.

x – x – x – x – x

Edward was knocking at Bella's door precisely at 4:00pm Sunday, wearing khaki shorts and a white t-shirt under a red and brown plaid shirt. The shirt was unbuttoned, sleeves rolled to the elbows. His hair was disheveled in that normal $200-haircut sort of way. Bella slipped on her flip-flops, noticing he was wearing some brown canvas flip-flops of his own. The dark sunglasses hanging from the neck of his tee reminded Bella to grab hers from her dresser.

She was wearing a green and white paisley knit blouse that Alice had forced upon her, and her smallest jeans, which she knew were still baggy by L.A. standards. She slid the glasses up over her face to the top of her head and sighed. This would just have to do.

Edward took the opportunity to get a good look at Bella as she turned her back on him to get the glasses. He liked seeing her outside of school, in things other than the huge hoodie. He also loved it when she left her hair down, and hooked his thumbs in his belt loops, fighting the urge to run his fingers through it.

"I really like your hair like that," he blurted out.

Flattered, Bella tried to thank him, but it came out as an uncomfortable shrug. "I'm uh… I'm not really good with compliments," she smiled apologetically. Edward seemed amused by this confession, because it earned her a rather crooked smirk - one she was kind of fond of, and was becoming quite familiar with.

Bella artfully checked her pockets for pepper spray, keys, and her pillbox. She snatched the old red Igloo ice chest from the kitchen and her camera from the coffee table, and stood in front of Edward. "Let's go."

Edward took the cooler from her and followed her down the stairs.

"So, no Jake today?" Edward asked conversationally as they pulled out onto the road.

Bella shook her head, remembering the joy on his face when Quil agreed to loan him his motorcycle for the weekend. "He's out riding with Leah."

"The girl from the party?"

"He's seen her five times," Bella grinned.

"Sounds serious," Edward teased.

Bella chuckled and nodded. "I think he's met his match."

They settled into a silence that was not unpleasant, but was awkward. Edward invited Bella to poke through his iPhone and pick some music to listen to.

"Wow, you have… _so_ much music," she mused, scrolling through the albums. Toggling back to the main menu, she browsed playlists. Half-way through the list was one called _One Man Wolf Pack._

Bella burst into laughter, which baffled Edward. "What?"

"One Man Wolf Pack? Seriously?" she giggled. Edward shook his head and grinned. "I've got to see what's on this list."

Bella giggled, guffawed, and snorted over each and every song in the playlist. When she got to the Alan's speech from _Hangover_, she hit play, giggling through the entire thing.

Edward drove down the highway, enchanted by Bella's laugh. He didn't even try to explain himself. It was worth the embarrassment to get to see her let loose like this.

"Okay, seriously," she chuckled. "What gives?"

"Trip to Vegas with Emmett last summer. There's about half the _Hangover_ Soundtrack on there, plus various horrible songs I knew would drive him crazy. Hey, he wanted to drive…" Edward chuckled.

"That would explain the Ke$ha song," Bella noted.

"That one I looped until he threatened to pull the car over and leave me on the side of the road."

"Ha!" She read through the other playlists. "Okay, so which one do you want to hear? There are so many in here."

"Honestly, if it will make you laugh like that, you can play anything you want," Edward said, shooting Bella a crooked grin before returning his eyes to the road. Bella blushed at those words and picked a playlist at random, which they listened to the rest of the way to Laguna.

At the beach, Edward pulled a blanket and the cooler from the trunk, along with an emergency lantern with a built-in am/fm radio. The parking lot was at the top of the cliff; they had to take a long staircase down to the sand. Bella took several shots of the beach below before descending the stairs. At the bottom of the steps, she stopped to roll her jeans up to her calves, and they walked about a half-mile north to the caves where the tide-pools are found.

Edward found them a spot to spread out the blanket and eat. Bella kicked off her flip-flops and headed straight for the tide pools. The camera clicked away at tiny crabs, sea stars of various colors, and waves crashing into the rocks around her. Maroon and purple sea anemone undulated with the tide and Bella imagined they danced. It was all so beautiful. She hadn't seen so much raw nature since she'd gone fishing with Charlie and Billy two summers ago. It made her homesick, until she remembered what home was to her now. She shook the thought from her head and peered through her sunglasses at the sun in the sky. It had gone down quite a bit since they'd arrived, but she'd been so engulfed in the waves crashing around her and the life below her that she hadn't even noticed.

She peered into the camera once more when Edward strolled up behind her, startling her. She jumped, gasping and spinning around. They apologized to each other at the same time.

"Ah, I said I wouldn't do that anymore." Edward ran his hand across the back of his neck, grimacing. Bella took a deep breath and waved dismissively.

"Forget about it. You want to eat?"

"Following you," he grinned.

Bella unpacked four individual storage containers, plastic forks and a couple cans of store-brand cola. Edward popped open the lids and found cold pasta salad and sliced strawberries.

"Did you make this?" Edward inquired, tasting the salad. Bella nodded, but Edward didn't see her; his eyes were closed.

"Ohmigod," he murmured, eating another forkful. Bella smiled and opened her soda.

They ate quietly, the soothing noise of the ocean harmonizing with the low sounds of the radio on the blanket. Bella ate slowly, more interested in watching Edward than the food before her. She liked it when people liked her cooking. Then she glanced down at her generic soda, and insecurity began to creep in. She wondered what Edward really thought of it and her cheap picnic. Clearly he was used to a more expensive lifestyle.

If she kept up this train of thought she was going to give herself an anxiety attack, and she didn't want that. Not here. She picked up her camera, plastered on a sweet smile, and jumped up, heading for the small cave nearby. There was still enough light to pretend to take photos. She held the camera to her face, aiming at some random crevice, and practiced her calming breaths. She'd never tried to meditate standing up, but it seemed to work just as well.

When Bella returned to the blanket several minutes later, Edward had finished eating and was drinking the soda she'd packed. "I like watching you shoot," he said. "You get so focused, kind of zen-like." Bella stifled a nervous giggle and changed the subject.

"I was thinking about how beautiful it is here. It reminds me of home. No cars, buildings, or people - just raw nature."

"Yeah, that's why I like it, too. Shall we take a look at those rocks?" he asked, pointing up the beach a little ways. "See what we can find?"

They walked up shore together, Bella's camera hanging from her neck. Edward told her a story about Emmett seeing a jellyfish at the beach when they were kids, and how he screamed bloody murder and wouldn't go back in the water all summer. Bella's laughter encouraged him to think up more funny childhood stories for their next date.

They hopped over several cracks in the rocks to get to the jetty, and Bella tripped just before she landed on the last rock. Edward caught her before she slipped into the tide pool below, holding her a beat longer than necessary. Bella blushed when he released her, and for a second she thought perhaps Edward had, too.

At sunset, Bella wandered up and down the beach with her camera, shooting from different perspectives and angles, hoping for a magical shot. Edward's phone rang but he ignored it, unwilling to shift his eyes from Bella's thoughtful posture and obvious pleasure behind the camera. She often seemed serious, even withdrawn. But Edward was realizing there was a lot more to her than that. It felt good, like being let in on a surprise. Edward shot a glare at the horizon, hating the sun for going down and ending his date so soon.

Bella let her camera hang from her neck and took one long look at the sky. It had transformed from blue to yellow to a vibrant orangey-pink, and now the pink was pulling along a sweet blue-ish purple that signaled the end of the day. It was twilight. Bella sighed to herself, and a cool breeze pulled her from her thoughts. She had forgotten she was not alone! Shaking her head to herself, she returned to the blanket, sitting across from Edward

He'd turned on the lantern. It was bright and lit up the entire blanket for them. "My dad has one like this," she smiled sadly.

"You miss him," Edward guessed.

Bella looked down in her lap and simply nodded. She hardly had the words for what she really was feeling, and could not share them anyway – not with this beautiful almost-stranger before her. He would not understand her when she said that she missed something that she can never have again, the familiarity of her old life; steak and cobbler at the diner, ball games on the TV. No sirens, no stoplights, no crowds, no worries. Just simplicity and comfort. When she thought of her father these days, she no longer saw these things. She could only see the horrified look on his face in the hospital. She could only hear his voice yelling at someone in the hallway outside her room. Then, later, there was just awkward silence, neither able to reconcile who they used to be with what they were now. Her father seemed embarrassed, either for her or of her, she wasn't sure. Maybe both. They barely spoke after that, stumbling through brief, reluctant greetings at the start and finish of the day, or Charlie's gruff inquiry as to whether she'd made her appointment with the counselor. All she saw in his eyes anymore were pity and a wariness that rattled her to the core; she was convinced he was waiting for her to fall apart.

Even with her head down, the sadness in Bella's face was heartbreaking. Edward considered how hard it must have been for her, moving from a small town in Washington to all of this. Seattle was a big city, but even he had been overwhelmed when he first got to L.A. And at least he had his brother.

"Do you talk to him often?"

Edward's question pulled Bella from her thoughts. "Um…" she stalled. What could she say - that she couldn't stand to hear his voice, because it made her heart ache? She decided to go with another partially true answer. "We're kind of on opposite schedules. It's hard."

She uncrossed her legs, angling herself so she could stretch them out in front of her. She stared at her sandy toes thoughtfully for a moment, then lifted her camera and took a picture of her feet. She glanced up at Edward and set the camera down. "I'm more the 'suffer in silence' type, anyway," she added with a sad smile.

Instinctively, Edward reached across the blanket and cupped his hand over hers in a comforting gesture. Bella was caught off-guard, but she did not pull away. Oddly, she appreciated the gesture.

Edward's eyes darted to Bella's lips. He was overcome with the sudden urge to kiss her. Without considering how that would be received, he leaned in, ever so slightly.

That's when Bella's vision got fuzzy. Abruptly she realized it was nearly dark out and she'd managed to put herself completely alone with this guy. _Anything_ could happen right now, and no one would see or hear. _How stupid can you be, Bella? _She looked around; not a soul in sight, no cars or lights for a half-mile down the beach and up two flights of stairs. Her chest felt tight and she began feeling dizzy, almost seasick. She gasped for air, her eyes wide. _God, not now. Please not now._

"Bella, what's wrong?" Edward let go of her hand, bewildered. "Are you alright?" She looked like she couldn't breathe. He looked around them; there was no one in sight except for the parking lot, a half-mile down the beach.

'_My god, this cannot be happening right now. Calm down, Bella. Breathe!' _the voice in her head yelled. Remembering the pills in her pocket, Bella stood up shakily. She didn't want him to see them. She didn't want anyone to know she needed them. Edward moved to join her, but she silently put out a palm to stop him. She walked down to the water, retrieving the pillbox from her jeans and placing a pill under her tongue. Bent over with her hands on her knees, Bella stood with her back to Edward for a few moments. A voice in the back of her head told her not to turn her back on him, but her pride wouldn't share this with him. She needed to pull herself together. Alone.

Edward sat on the blanket feeling equal parts confused and concerned. He packed up the cooler quickly, turned off the radio, and folded the blanket, but left the lantern on. When he was finished, he began to walk toward her to check on her. She turned then, walking his way.

"Bella, are you okay?" Worry was painted across his face. Bella recognized the expression – it seemed to be directed at her often. But he was missing something, she thought. Anger, annoyance, panic; there was none of that in his eyes. Nothing like the expressions she was accustomed to seeing from the men in her life. She wondered if it was possible for him to be as genuinely good as he seemed. _No,_ she thought to herself with a heavy sigh. _It's probably not._

"I'm sorry, Edward. I don't know what that was," she lied. "I think I am okay now." She took in a deep breath, feeling the familiar numbing fog permeate her brain cells. "See?"

"I still think I better get you home."

The drive back was quiet. It was probably uncomfortably so, but the Xanax prevented Bella from noticing. Edward walked her to the door.

"Thank you for taking me to see the tide pools," she said as Edward handed her the cooler. She forced a small smile.

"It was my pleasure. Thank you for coming." Edward glanced at Bella's lips the way he had at the beach, and Bella instinctively took a step closer to her door.

Edward took the hint.

"Goodnight, Bella." He smiled softly and jogged down the steps, driving off into the night.

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**What's that old Paula Abdul song… two steps forward, one step back…**

**Reviews are love. Thank you for reading this. **


	10. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.**

**Love and appreciation to my betas. Also - I'm seeing a lot of activity for this story, but not a lot of comments. I don't know if I'm on the right track or not, if nobody says anything. Just sayin'. =]**

**This is a long chapter. Get yourself some sustenance, a kleenex (if I wrote it right), and a comfy chair. I'll see ya at the end.**

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_**Previously:**_

"_Thank you for taking me to see the tide pools," she said as Edward handed her the cooler. She forced a small smile._

"_It was my pleasure. Thank you for coming." Edward glanced at Bella's lips the way he had at the beach, and Bella instinctively took a step closer to her door. _

_Edward took the hint._

"_Goodnight, Bella." He smiled softly and jogged down the steps, driving off into the night._

_

* * *

_

Edward didn't sleep well that night. When he awoke for the third time at 5am, he gave up and got up, deciding a long jog would clear his mind. He threw on a gray t-shirt and his black Nike running shorts. He shut the front door, slid his iPhone into the armband, and blasted System of a Down.

He pounded the pavement, each step oozing frustration as Edward replayed the events of the night before. He was sure he was missing something. Three miles into his run, his dinner with Bella at the Getty Center came to mind. He hadn't thought much of it at the time, but looking back, her behavior had been a little bit odd. She had gotten kind of spacey. _ Could she be on drugs?_ he wondered, turning onto Bellagio and heading north. He decided against it - she didn't look like a drug addict. _But then what? She mentioned low blood sugar at the restaurant, then last night had some sort of asthma attack. Is she hiding some kind of illness? _He pondered the possibility for a mile or so but shot it down, as well._ Why would she need to hide something like that?_

Having run his normal route, Edward reached home no less frustrated than when he began. He glanced up at Emmett's window; it was dark. He passed the house and kept running.

Two things he eventually became sure of; one: Bella was intentionally hiding something from him. Two: he didn't like it.

As he rounded Glenroy and headed toward home again, he chastised himself for his ego. Why would she open herself up to him? She was obviously not that into him. And this, he realized with an uncomfortable tinge in his chest, was uncharted territory for him. Whether for his car or his major, his brother or his perceived wealth, girls were always throwing themselves at Edward Cullen. While he loathed that behavior intellectually, his ego was accustomed to it. What was he to do with a girl who kept him at arm's length?

He was no closer to a resolution as he reached his driveway and slowed to a walk. Inside, he went straight for the kitchen, grabbing an energy bar from the cupboard. He poured himself a tall glass of orange juice and sat down at the island in the center of the room. Emmett walked in a few minutes later. Edward glanced at the clock; he'd been jogging for three hours.

"Huh. I'd have thought you'd sleep in after your hot date last night," Emmett smirked. Edward didn't acknowledge him.

He heard Rosalie's heels on the kitchen tile before he saw her. She gave Emmett a quick kiss and ignored Edward completely. "I have to be in Malibu by 10am, baby. I'll see you later."

"Fun times with the Princess last night?" Edward asked snidely.

"I _always_ have fun with Rose." Emmett wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Edward made a disgusted face, and Emmett laughed. He chugged the rest of his juice, tossed the rest of the energy bar into the trash, and went upstairs to shower.

x – x – x – x – x

Bella slept hard, and woke up at 8am feeling groggy, but not anxious. She had not dreamt. She looked over at Jake's side of the room; he wasn't home. So she folded up the futon and sat the big pillow on the floor. She sat cross-legged on the pillow and began her morning meditation. When she was done, she uploaded last night's pictures to the computer, deleting the bad shots, marking the good ones.

As she scrolled through them, she wished she had thought to take one of Edward, because she probably would not see him again outside of class. She was simply too damaged to be dragging any more people into her life.

She got to the bookstore at 10am and clocked in for what turned out to be a boring Monday. There weren't many students in, and there wasn't much busy work to be done. Alice and Bella stood around the cash register idly.

"So how did your date go yesterday?"

"The beach was beautiful," Bella hedged.

Alice narrowed her eyes as if she were trying to read fine print. Bella eventually cracked under the scrutiny. "What?" she asked, annoyed.

"You don't like him," Alice breathed, in awe.

"It's not that – I'm just not sure we're all that compatible," Bella answered, avoiding Alice's prying eyes.

Alice stared at her for a long moment just the same, finally narrowing her eyes in accusation. "Mmm," was all she said. Bella didn't know what to make of that, but it didn't sound good. She changed the subject to Jasper's band.

When her shift was over, Bella went home and cleaned the loft. When she was done, she still had at least an hour before Jake would be walking in the door. She decided to cook dinner for them, putting a large pot of water to boil, and pulling some tomatoes and onions from the fridge.

Jake walked in about 7pm, shut the door, and took a big whiff. "Something smells good!"

Bella jumped at the sound of his voice, and turned around quickly. Jake quirked an eyebrow at her reaction, to which Bella just smiled apologetically. It wasn't his fault he startled her. She had been deep in thought, arguing with herself and mentally rehearsing all the reasons it was a bad idea to see Edward again.

"Rough day?" Jake took off his boots and set them by the door.

"I guess," Bella shrugged. "Well, no, actually, not really."

"Dream?"

Bella shook her head, facing the stove again to stir the spaghetti sauce.

"Date go okay?"

"Edward was really nice, and the beach was amazing. I'll show you the photos I took after dinner."

Jake shrugged to himself. Whatever was going on, she obviously wasn't talking. He grabbed a change of clothes from his dresser and headed to the bathroom for a shower.

After two huge plates of spaghetti, Jake finally joined Bella at the computer.

"Alright, let's see these pictures." Jake sat on a crate and opened a can of cheap soda. Bella had deleted about two thirds of what she took, leaving what she hoped were twenty really good shots.

When Bella got to the shots of the sunset, Jake whistled. Bella grinned and glanced at Jake. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. These are _really_ good, Bella. You need to enter these in a contest or something."

"What contest?" Bella scoffed.

"I don't know," Jake shrugged. "Big school like UCLA has to have a photography club or something, don't it? You've taken lots of incredible photos over the years. It would be cool to see you enter these in something."

x – x – x – x – x

When Bella walked into Advanced English Lit on Thursday, Edward was already seated up in the first seat of the last row. He had a paper coffee cup in his hand and a laptop open before him. Their eyes connected; Edward sat up straighter and smiled, offering a small wave. He hoped that Bella would climb the stairs and join him. His face fell somewhat when, instead, she simply offered him a small smile and a single wave before sitting in her usual seat by the door.

Bella bit her lower lip and pulled her notebook out of her backpack. Edward had looked almost like he wanted her to sit with him. But that was a bad idea for a couple of reasons, she knew. With a sigh, she tucked the hair that had fallen out of her bun behind her ear, and got ready to work.

Edward gawked at the back of Bella's head. Did she just blow him off? A memory of a previous conversation came to mind. Bella had a thing about being near the door. His hand floated to his laptop, ready to snap it shut and move down. But she hadn't gestured for him to join her. He took a long look at the back of that pretty little head. He doubted she would have gestured for him even if she wanted him to join her. He grimaced. Would that be weird to pack up his things and move? If he stayed where he was, would that be rude? He wasn't sure. He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. Just a moment later, the decision was made for him. The professor stormed into the room and immediately began the lecture.

When class was over, Edward looked down at his laptop. He hadn't typed any notes. In truth, his mind had been on Bella the entire time. She hadn't said a single word in three hours. He was surprised how much that vexed him. He packed up his bag and skipped his usual study time at the coffee lounge, opting to go home, change, and go for a very long jog.

A week later, Edward experienced déjà vu. Bella walked into the lecture hall, locked eyes with Edward, who was already seated in the back row, and sat down front instead. This time his ambivalence was accompanied by equal parts rejection and guilt. Bella had not called or texted him at all. Then again, he had not called her, either. He had gone to the bookstore on Monday, but neither Bella nor Alice had been working. He wondered now, chuckling humorlessly to himself, what he would have even said to her: _Hi, I can't stop thinking about you, and what the hell are you hiding from me?_ This girl had his head so jumbled up he didn't know what to think anymore.

Annoyed with himself, he opened up a word document and titled it _Advanced Lit notes:_ _May 28_. Today he was going to focus, damn it. He pulled up his personal notes on the story they were reading and reviewed them while he waited for the professor to enter. He would _not_ spend another three hours staring at the back of Bella Swan's head. The professor entered and began speaking, and Edward typed away as fast as he could, giving all of his focus to the lesson.

And when class was over, Edward looked down at his laptop, and his notes made him cringe. Every few sections, he had unknowingly typed notes completely unrelated to the lesson.

_Too warm in here for a hoodie. Why does she wear that thing?_

_Tuck hair behind ear count: 4_

_Pasta salad for dinner?_

Bella slid the novel and her notebook into her backpack and risked a glance at Edward before slipping out of the room. He was staring incredulously at the screen of his laptop. She hesitated, then scolded herself. _Leave him alone, Bella. It's better this way._

She had just enough time to make something quick for dinner before Jake got home, she thought, walking to her car. She grimaced as it occurred to her that maybe he would go to Leah's instead. She shot off a quick text before starting her truck and driving home.

Sure enough, Jake was taking Leah out and would be home late. Bella made herself a sandwich for dinner and curled up in the green chair with a textbook for a long night of reading.

She often took half of a pill before bed when she had a late start the next day, but this night, and many nights lately, Bella dozed off in the chair. Her homework was still in her lap. Just as the sky began it's daily transition from black to blue, Bella's dreams took a sharp and ugly turn.

She was in the loft, in her green chair. Alice, Jake, and Edward were sitting on the futon, watching her, expressionless. Movement to her right caught her eye, and she glanced over to see James standing before her. He was shirtless, but wearing his old beat-up leather jacket. She thought idly that he needed to shave.

With a disturbing grin, he held up a surgical needle and proceeded to sew Bella's lips shut. She panicked, realizing the chair had become a metal slab she was strapped to. She looked to her left, her terrified eyes pleading desperately to her friends to help her. But they just sat there, staring at her. Their lips faded from their faces until they had nothing but eyes and a nose. Each of them wore the same pained expression, condemning her: _Look what you've done to us._

She woke with a start and the book slid off her lap, slamming shut as it hit the floor. Bella looked around her surroundings warily. Then she curled back up in the chair and let the tears flow, grateful to at least be home alone where no one else could see them.

x – x – x – x – x

Mid-June snuck up on Bella, and she crammed day and night for finals. When she was at work, they were busy pulling old textbooks, updating and replenishing stock, and preparing for the new term. The coffee lounge was crammed with students, caffeine surging through their veins, formulas and theories swimming in their heads. Every so often, Bella chanced a peek their way, hoping to find Edward sitting among them, yet relieved that he was not.

She missed him. And she hated that she missed him, because, as she kept reminding herself, she hardly knew him.

What did she know, really? He lived with his brother, who was a jock. He drove a Volvo. He wanted to be a doctor. He didn't own a brush. So, he knew a lot about art and literature. And maybe his mother brought him up with enough manners to hold a door open. And when they were together, he acted like she was the only person in the room. And when he looked like he was going to say something, but then didn't, his cheeks caved in a bit like he was biting them. And when he smiled really big, he got little tiny wrinkles at the outer corners of his eyes that made an 'x'. _Jesus, Bella. _She rolled her eyes at herself and slammed a stack of International Business textbooks onto a shelf.

She walked into Advanced English Lit for the last time, just moments before class began. It was a habit she'd taken up in order to prevent having time to look at or talk to Edward. She knew he was there; she would swear she could _feel _him staring at her. But she was here to get an education, not a boyfriend. And she was no prize to be had. It was better this way. The professor entered with a stack of copies of the final exam and passed them out. When Bella was finished, she set the test on the podium and walked out, never looking back.

Saturday was the last day for final exams, so the UCLA population was either in a classroom testing or home recuperating. The bookstore was dead. Bella clocked in for a four-hour shift she and Alice both knew was a waste of time. She needed the money too much to argue, though, and she enjoyed Alice's company.

"I am so glad this term is over!" Alice exclaimed to a tan, muscular girl from behind the counter.

"No kidding. I'm headed to the beach right now for some fun in the sun, and then a night of mind-numbing drinking," the girl laughed.

"Oh, God, I haven't been to the beach in forever," Alice lamented. "I wonder if Jazzy has to work tomorrow."

"You know, if you're free the first Saturday in July, my surf team could use some help. We're hosting a Beach Clean-up at Redondo Beach, from 8am-2pm," she said. She pulled a small stack of 5" x 8" flyers from the canvas bag draped over her shoulder. It had a blue ocean wave silk-screened on it, with the words UCLA Surf Club in black lettering below.

Bella overheard the conversation as she walked out to the sales floor. "Redondo Beach, is that far from here?"

"Half an hour to an hour, depending on traffic," the girl shrugged, then smiled. "I'm Tia, by the way."

"Bella." She smiled at the girl and glanced at Alice. "I want to go, Alice. Come with me?"

Alice frowned. "Bella, I love the beach and all the little sea creatures as much as the next girl, but I am not waking up at 8am on a Saturday for _anything._ Sorry, Tia."

Tia chuckled. "Just because I'll be there at 8am, doesn't mean you have to. Come whenever you want, and leave whenever you like. You're helping us – you do only what you want to do."

Bella turned back to Alice, hands in her pockets, lip between her teeth. She raised her eyebrows in question.

"Oh, alright. But 10:30 is like the earliest you are going to see me. A girl needs her beauty rest."

"Sweet! Thanks guys, you'll be doing a great thing. I'll see you in a couple weeks." Tia left the flyers on the counter and waved on her way out the door.

"Wait – who's scheduled to work that Saturday?" Alice asked suddenly. With a grimace, Bella pulled the schedule out from under the counter.

"You have down Angela and that part-time guy I've still never met."

"Oh, cool."

Bella's wheels began to turn as she came up with an idea. "Do you think Jasper will come, too?"

"Probably… if I make it worth his while." Alice winked.

Bella scrunched up her face and shook her head. "I don't want to know. But I was thinking maybe you could ask Jasper, I could ask Jake, you know, get a few extra hands. It would be more fun that way, and we could be a bigger help."

Alice seemed to zone out for a moment, staring into the space in front of her. Bella furrowed her eyebrows. "Earth to Alice."

"Oh, sorry. My mind wandered. I think I'll see if the whole band will help out, and I'll ask Charlotte to call her friends, too." Alice had a twinkle in her eye that made Bella a little suspicious, but the more people that came to help, the better.

Bella got off at 2pm and came home to find Jake sprawled out on the futon, watching a Mariner's game. "Hey Bells," he said absently. "Game's almost over." Growing up with Charlie and Billy, Bella had learned that was man-speak for 'leave me alone until the game is over.' She smiled to herself and straightened up a bit around the loft. When the game was over, she pounced.

"I have a good idea, and I want you to help," Bella said excitedly.

Jake hadn't seen Bella that animated in months, maybe a year. He had to admit, he was amused by it. "I'm listening," he said, sitting upright.

Bella told him about the clean-up event and encouraged him to invite Leah, too. She told him Alice's idea to invite her roommates, as well. Jake nodded thoughtfully.

"Okay, count me in. I'll text Leah later, but I'm pretty sure she'll like the idea."

x – x – x – x – x

Edward walked into the bookstore around 2:30pm. He looked around but didn't see any of the girls. He went into the coffee lounge and ordered a drink. When it was ready, he took it to his favorite table, opened his laptop, and surfed the internet on the lounge's free wi-fi. He had nothing of importance to do, but Rosalie was at the house, grating on his nerves. It was either run or come here, and it was 90-something degrees outside. And then, of course, here he had a chance of seeing Bella.

Alice spotted Edward a short time later and skipped up to him. "Hi, Edward."

"Alice."

"A bunch of us are getting together on the 3rd to help the surf team with a beach clean-up at Redondo. We're going to stay after, though, and have ourselves a 4th of July beach party. Pretty much the same group as the party at my house." Alice paused for effect, watching Edward's wheels turn. She knew the moment he realized Bella would be there – his eyes lit up. She didn't know what the deal was with these two, but she just knew, deep down, they were supposed to be together. If they needed help recognizing it, she was happy to provide.

"Maybe you even want to call up some of your friends, see if they want to help out, too," she added casually.

"July 3rd, you said?" Internally, Edward jumped at the idea of having another chance to talk to Bella again, though he still needed to figure out _what_ to say to her. Alice nodded once, a knowing grin plastered across her face.

Edward cleared his throat. "Sure. I'll call some people. I'll come help out."

Alice spun around and floated back to the bookstore, her blue printed skirt twirling around her knees. "It would be nice if you'd bring some drinks, too," she called over her shoulder.

Alice closed down the bookstore at 4pm and came home to find a jam session going on in the living room. "Perfect," she grinned. "Guys, I have an excellent idea!"

x – x – x – x – x

"Bella! Hi!" Tia waved as Bella approached the surf team's tent. She soon learned she was the first of her friends to sign in.

"Do you want to wait for them, or…" Tia trailed off.

Bella looked at the time on her cell phone – 10:30am. She shook her head. "No, it's okay. They'll find me."

Tia gave her a warm smile in return, along with a pair of latex gloves and a bright blue garbage bag. "Okay. When you're done, just bring the trash back up here. And thanks for coming today."

She was just about to head down to the sand when she saw Jake's towering figure standing near an ugly little red Volkswagen Rabbit, wearing a white v-neck t-shirt and a pair of old black cut-off jeans. Leah got out of the passenger side, looking, well, _sexy_, Bella thought with a grin. Really, she was just wearing a white wife-beater with what looked like a red bikini top underneath, some black shorts, and flip-flops. But she wore it like a designer suit. This girl was not lacking in the self-esteem department, not at all. No wonder she had Jake all worked up all the time.

Bella walked up to them with a huge smile on her face. "I can't believe you got it running!" she exclaimed. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Finished it yesterday and drove it to Leah's. I'll take you for a ride in it this weekend," he promised, clearly proud of himself. "Meanwhile, introductions? Bella, this is the sweet and sassy Leah." Leah winked at him and chuckled. "Leah, this is my best friend and little sister, Bella." He draped an arm around Bella's shoulder and gave a squeeze. Bella leaned into it briefly, then stepped away to extend her hand to Leah.

"Really nice to meet you," Leah said warmly.

"You too," Bella responded. "I have heard so much about you."

"Yeah, same here." Leah grinned.

Jake stepped between the two and placed an arm around each of them, laughing. "Enough chit-chat. I've got two beautiful women on my arms; I'm ready to go save the rain forest, or feed starving children, or whatever it is you talked me into. Let's get a move on!"

Alice showed up a few minutes later in Jasper's blue pick-up. She'd given him three long blankets, five ice chests, a grill, a bag of charcoal, a huge beach bag and three reusable grocery bags full of food to pack before they left. Jasper locked the truck but left everything in the bed for now. Seeing Bella's truck in the lot, they signed in at the tent, took their trash bags, and went looking for the others.

Bella saw Alice and Jasper on the sand and waved to them. Jake and Leah were near the parking lot, goofing around more than they were working, and Bella was nearby, taking pictures. She'd never seen Alice dressed so casually. She was sporting a plain baby blue tank top and black shorts. Jasper was wearing a white and blue raglan tee.

It was a beautiful day out – sunny and very warm. Bella was in a UCLA t-shirt and cut-off shorts, and wished she had worn something lighter. She imagined herself wearing a tank top like Alice and frowned. She didn't think she was ready to be quite that close to naked in public. She didn't think she'd _ever_ be ready for that.

Edward got to Redondo Beach about 12:30pm. He got out of the car first, slamming Emmett's door in irritation. Emmett climbed out of the driver's seat, chuckling and shaking his head. Rosalie got out last, wearing a gold and white Gucci bikini under a thin cotton cover-up. Emmett and Edward were in tank tops and board shorts, and she was, what, going to a Vegas pool party? This was what they had to wait for. Edward ran his hand through his hair a few times, wishing he'd never asked Emmett to come.

It didn't take long for Jake and Leah to lose their shirts. Soon both were picking up trash and chasing each other playfully with their shirts sticking out of their back pockets. As Bella looked around the beach, she saw more and more college students showing up and helping out. She noticed Alice had recruited quite a large group, as well – Jasper's band, their girlfriends, and a few other people she recognized from the party in May. There were probably a hundred people with blue trash bags sprinkled around the beach and parking lot. It had looked pretty bad when she arrived; already the improvement was impressive.

She decided to take a few more photos before heading farther up toward the pier to look for more trash. That's when she saw Edward. He was laughing, running from a big guy with an armful of seaweed. They, too, had blue trash bags. _But how would he have known… ALICE._ Frozen in place, she watched Edward through the camera's lens. His bag was already half full, unlike his friend, who's bag looked completely empty. _Has he seen me yet?_ she wondered._ Did Alice tell him I'd be here? Am I supposed to go and say hi, now that I've seen him? Or am I supposed to ignore him like he's ignoring me? _Bella sighed at her ridiculousness. _You decided not to see him again, remember?_ she chided herself. _You don't say hi. You don't go make small talk. You pick up garbage, you say good-bye to Alice, and you go home._

Suddenly Jake's deep voice was inches from her ear. "Whatcha looking at?"

Bella jumped in surprise and nearly dropped the camera. "Damnit Jake!" she shrieked.

"Did you see McDreamy?"

Bella blushed in answer. Jake quirked an eyebrow at her, then glanced over in the general direction Bella had been looking. "Ah." He paused thoughtfully, and leaned in close. "So what are you doing way over here?" he asked, amusement in his voice.

Bella sighed. "This is so not the time for this conversation."

All amusement left Jake's face in a hurry. His tone was low and laced with menace. "Something I should know, Bella?"

Bella placed her hand on Jake's arm and gave him a sad smile. "No."

He didn't like her answer, but she was probably right – now was not the time. He tapped her trash bag with his foot. "Best get back to work then, sis." He gave her a quick peck on the top of her head and jogged over to Leah. Bella watched Jake run up behind her and wrap his arms around her waist, leaning in to kiss her neck. Leah laughed and said something that made Jake chuckle.

Bella loved seeing Jake happy and carefree like this. She hadn't seen this side of him in over a year. She knew she was the reason for that, and the weight of that knowledge, the guilt she felt, made her chest ache. She would need to thank Leah for bringing the old Jake back.

Against her better judgment, Bella chanced another glance at Edward. The big guy was talking to a blonde bombshell in a tiny white dress, and Edward was picking up trash with a thin strawberry blonde in a very small pink tank top. She was nearly as tall as Edward and quite beautiful, at least from what Bella could see - and clearly very fond of Edward. With a sigh, Bella got back to work.

Alice and Jasper were the first to call it quits. Jasper rounded up his band mates and together they unloaded his truck, Peter's SUV, and Alistair's black and red '53 Chevy. Combined, they had enough food for around 50 people and drinks for 100.

Alice bounced up to Bella as she made her way back down the beach toward the parking lot. "Hey! Listen, we're going to hang around, play some music, tan, drink… will you stay and hang out for a while?" Bella looked around Alice to see Jasper and several other people spreading out blankets, lining up a dozen coolers, and setting up a small grill in the sand.

She raised an eyebrow. "Hang out?" Bella asked dubiously. "That looks like a catered event."

Alice grabbed Bella's hands and gave her best puppy dog eyes. "Please Bella? We never get to hang out! We're always working, or doing homework… it's like I never get to see you. Just stay for a little bit?"

"Alice, how long have you been planning this?"

Alice grinned from ear to ear, a wicked twinkle in her eye. "Since like 30 seconds after you asked me to come do this with you."

Bella caved in like Alice knew she would.

Alice clapped. "Yay! I've already talked to Jake and Leah, they're staying too." Bella smiled and shook her head. How could she say no to her? She walked her bag up to the tent and signed out. She saw Edward's friend, the big guy, pulling a beach bag and a football out of a black BMW sedan. She couldn't help wondering if that meant Edward was hanging around for a while, too.

"Come, you need a drink!" Alice waved to her, and she went where she was beckoned. She handed Bella a clear drink in a beer bottle. "It's hard lemonade. It's yummy, and I have a cooler full of it."

"Do you have any bottled water, or any Pepsi?"

"Silly Bella," Alice grinned. She interlocked her arm with Bella's and pulled her to the circle of blankets, where most of the group was gathered.

x – x – x – x – x

By 5pm, the party was in full swing. A boom box was blaring, Jasper was grilling, people were drinking and dancing, and a handful of the guys had broken off and begun a football game in the sand.

Bella sipped her drink, which she thought mostly just tasted like lemonade that had gone bad, and found a spot not too far off to the side of the main group to sit and observe. She tried to follow the football game, which was led mostly by Jake and Edward's big linebacker friend. She couldn't help but scan the crowd every so often, to see if Edward had stayed after the clean-up. She hadn't seen him once. She intentionally ignored the disappointment that laced the mental fuzziness her drink provided her.

The sunset here was just as beautiful as the one she had seen with Edward, and Bella got up and got closer to the water. She wanted to see it set behind the jetty, and clicked away on her camera as the sun slowly descended into the horizon.

She returned to the group and saw Alice and Jasper laughing and embracing. For two such strong and independent people, it was a surprisingly tender expression. Bella couldn't resist snapping a picture.

Of course, with her camera in her face, she couldn't see anything around her, and walked right into a shirtless Edward. He was drinking a beer and standing next to the big guy. Edward's eyes widened and he choked on his beer.

The big guy stared at both of them for a moment before grinning widely. "You must be the beautiful swan I've heard so much about," he said, throwing an arm around Edward's shoulder. Bella's eyes widened in confusion. She glanced at Edward; he was shooting his friend a dirty look. The blonde bombshell appeared with a fresh beer and handed it to the guy. "I'm Emmett. This is my girlfriend, Rosalie." He kissed her on the cheek.

"Hi," Bella replied lamely. _Well, you can't pretend you didn't see him now, can you. Now what?_ Bella tried to come up with something intelligent to say.

"I thought you hadn't come," Edward said, a little too softly for the volume level of the party going on around them. Bella glanced back at Alice suddenly, and found her smirking at them both. Bella frowned slightly. Rosalie spoke quietly to Emmett and they walked away.

"I need to get a shirt," Edward blurted out. Bella looked back at Edward, and he gestured toward the parking lot. "You feel like walking with me?

Inexplicably, Bella nodded. Edward gestured for her to go first, and he walked a half-step behind her to the parking lot. "That was my brother," Edward said awkwardly. Bella nodded again. She racked her brain for something, anything, to say. The uncomfortable silence dragged on. Finally she thought of something.

"I didn't see you swimming out there."

"I went for a jog, actually. Down to the end of the beach and back. I just dove into the water to get the sweat off me."

"Oh."

The uncomfortable silence returned. Edward popped the same trunk she'd seen Emmett get the football from. He pulled out a clean t-shirt and gracefully slid it on. He closed the trunk a little harder than necessary, frustrated with his involuntary speechlessness, and had begun walking back to the group before Edward finally summoned the courage to speak up.

"I'm glad you came today." Bella's gaze shifted from the sand in front of her to Edward's face. "I thought maybe you didn't want to see me anymore," he added, searching Bella's face for a reaction.

Bella frowned. "Oh," Edward said softly. That was the answer he expected, all things considered, but it still stung. He shifted his eyes to their group of friends, laughing and dancing the night away.

Oh, that sweet sadness. Bella couldn't let this go on. She stopped in her tracks. Edward took another couple of steps before he realized she'd stopped, and he turned to face her. They were on the beach now, but still out of earshot of anyone in their party. Several large 10,000 watt floodlights, like the ones Charlie used to use in the garage, lit up the sand and sky around them. Bella glanced over at the group wistfully, actually preferring to be in the middle of that than having this conversation right now.

"Edward, I'm…"

Bella's words caught in her throat. Part of her wanted him to know that she truly did like him. A lot. More than was appropriate, considering her circumstances. Part of her wanted to lock that information away, deep inside where no one would ever know, and no one could ever use it against her. Part of her was horrified that she was even having this argument with herself and contemplating telling a man she hardly knew how utterly defective she was – just so he wouldn't feel as defective.

Torn, she glanced at the group again, looking for Jake. Maybe if he'd just see her, he'd read her mind, appear at her side, and pull her in for a hug. She found him with a beer in his hand and Leah's body pressed against him. They were either dancing or dry-humping; it was hard to tell which. Either way, she was on her own, she realized with a sigh.

She shifted her focus back to Edward. His face was relaxed and neutral but his eyes told a different story. She had hurt him. She had thought as much, but to see it, to _know_, caused her chest to ache with guilt – an emotion she knew all too well these days.

"Edward, you are one of the nicest guys I have ever met."

Edward flinched at Bella's use of the word 'nice'. Nothing good has ever come of the words 'nice' and 'guy' being uttered by a woman in the same sentence.

"I'm still not sure if guys like you really exist," she said, more to herself than to Edward. She shook her head to herself. "The point is, you shouldn't be wasting your time with me. I am completely defective, and you're…" _gorgeous, smart, kind, chivalrous…_ "not."

Anger flashed in Edward's eyes. "Well at least you didn't hurt yourself trying to think up something _original_, " he said coldly. He turned and began walking back to the group.

Bella stood there for a moment, stunned. When her senses kicked back in, she yelled after him. "Edward!"

He stopped. He didn't want to stop, but he stopped. He tried to make his feet move. He didn't want to turn around and look at her. He wanted to reach into the first cooler he saw and keep reaching into it until he was drunk. Blind, stumbling, drunk. But something about the way she said his name compelled him. Slowly, he turned around.

She was holding out her hand. Her palm was up, and there was a small box resting in it. Curious, Edward walked back to where he had been standing and looked closer. It was a pillbox, and it contained a dozen little oval-shaped pills.

"I'm not lying," she said defensively. She meant to sound indignant, but her words came out shaky and resigned.

"What are they?"

Bella didn't answer right away. Edward looked her right in the eye, his expression demanding an answer.

"Xanax."

_Xanax…_ Why was she telling him this? His mind flashed to their date at the Getty, and then at the beach. "You have panic attacks," he said, mostly to himself.

He said nothing else, leaving Bella standing there, vulnerable and awkward. She snapped the pillbox closed and shoved it into her jeans pocket. Then she wrapped her arms over her chest protectively and looked at the ground behind Edward, unable to meet his eyes.

He wondered why Bella hadn't just told him. He wondered why she had panic attacks in the first place. He wondered why in the hell she would ever think that it would make him stop wanting to see her.

"So…" he started to say. He ran his hand nervously through his wet hair. "You're saying if this wasn't an issue, you'd go out with me again?" He tried to keep his tone disinterested, casual. He wanted an honest answer.

Bella started to shrug and stopped, instead nodding once. She still wasn't looking at him.

"Then go out with me again. Thursday, to see Jasper and his band play at the pub."

Bella's eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

Edward took a step closer to her. Slowly, gently, he pulled her hands from her body, and held them in his own. He spoke softly, a small smile pulling up the edges of his mouth. "If I had asthma, would you stop seeing me?"

Bella's expression changed but before she could argue with him, Edward took another half-step closer. Their faces were less than a foot apart. She wanted to tell him that was _so_ not the same thing, and he had no idea what he was saying. She wanted to take a giant step back, because him being so close was making it hard for her to focus.

He smelled like sunscreen and ocean, she thought.

"Please," he said to her, his voice low and soft.

Bella bit her lower lip. She had good reasons for letting Edward go and not seeing him again. She'd thought about this at great length, weighed all the options and made the logical choice. Right now though, with her hands in his and his emerald eyes focused on her, she couldn't remember any of them.

"Okay," she whispered. Edward barely heard her, but she glanced up at him bashfully, and he grinned from ear to ear, squeezing her hands.

He thought of something then. His grin faded and his eyes became tender but focused. "I want to try something," he said softly. He let go of Bella's hands. Bella felt his hands move to either side of her face, his thumbs tenderly stroking her cheeks. "Stand very still," he murmured, the edges of his lips curved up slightly.

Bella's eyes held many questions, but for reasons she didn't understand, she found herself doing as he said. He leaned in ever so slowly, paying close attention to her body language and breathing, and licked his lips as he glanced down at hers. Bella's breathing hitched but still, she did not move. She watched until his lips finally touched hers, and then her eyes fluttered closed.

Her lips tingled at the feathery friction of his soft kiss. She had only ever kissed one other person, and was confused by the extreme difference between this kiss and every kiss James had ever given her. It was not sexual. It was not aggressive, nor was it possessive. It was not angry, as his had often been. It was warm and sweet; it was full of promises. Needing some place to rest, her hands migrated awkwardly to his waist. She returned his kiss earnestly, communicating, she hoped, apologies and desire.

Edward slid his hands down her face adoringly. One hand moved to caress the delicate skin at the nape of her neck. The other hand found the small of her back and rested there, pulling Bella even closer to him.

He was no novice to kissing, but this kiss… this kiss felt like the first time. It was tentative; he felt unsure. At the same time, it was more real, more _intimate_, than any kiss he'd ever had before. Eventually, Edward broke the kiss with one last soft peck.

"Thank you," he whispered against her lips. He smiled at her so adoringly her heart swelled. She blinked back tears and took a deep breath.

Bella had no words. She was overwhelmed. She simply placed a hand over her heart symbolically, hoping he could somehow read her mind. With a crooked grin, Edward took Bella's hand and walked with her back to the group.

* * *

**Disclaimer: there's no alcohol actually allowed on Redondo Beach. Bad, bad girl, Alice. **

**I worked hard on this chapter. It was supposed to go in an entirely different direction, but damned if Bella would cooperate. She had to get all martyr-y, and Edward had to get all Edward-y, and of course Alice had to be all Alice-y… everybody wanted some attention. It got very long and frankly, I am beat. (Longest chapter yet.) They ended up in the right place, I think. But who cares what I think? What do **_**you **_**think?**


	11. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.**

**Gratitude and cupcakes to my betas.  
**

**Now, on with the show.**

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Bella and Alice closed the bookstore together Tuesday night. Once the last customer left, Bella locked the doors and Alice counted out the register.

"Got any plans tonight, Bella?" Alice inquired.

"Nope." Bella gathered the trash bins and took them out back to empty. "You?" she asked Alice a moment later, returning with the bins.

"Nothing." Alice sighed. "We should go out to dinner!"

Bella frowned. "Alice, I'm not in the mood for people tonight." Alice's face fell in disappointment. With a grimace and a pang of guilt, Bella sighed. "That's not what I meant. I just… well, how about we get take-out and go back to my house? No waitress to tip, no crowded restaurants, just you, me, and the TV."

They settled on Chinese food from the take-out place down the block from Bella's, and soon found themselves cross-legged on the futon sofa, surrounded by little white boxes and wooden chopsticks.

"You were kind of quiet Sunday night," Alice commented. Bella noticed a smirk playing at the edges of her mouth.

"Uh huh," Bella responded, unwilling to commit to anything until she knew where Alice was going with this line of conversation.

"You and Edward work everything out?"

Bella glowered at Alice. "Why do I get the feeling you know more than you are saying?"

Alice's smirk transformed into a full grin, which she unsuccessfully tried to conceal with a mouthful of lo mein. "All I know is how obvious it is that you two are crazy about each other. _And_ I know you had been dancing around each other for weeks. Edward was hardly coming in for his caffeine fix anymore! An intervention was clearly needed."

Bella wanted to be insulted; she willed herself to be indignant. All that came out was a sappy grin.

"So…" Alice began, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. "How was the kiss?"

Bella recalled vividly the moment Edward's lips had met hers. His kiss had truly been like nothing she'd ever felt. She had no idea that a kiss so gentle could be so intense. James' kisses had never once caused that weird feeling in her chest. It was startling, and still very confusing. But part of her really wanted to feel it again, and hoped she got the chance to try.

Opting not to share quite so much as that, Bella summed it up for Alice. "It was perfect."

Alice put the container of lo mein down on the coffee table, looking for the chop suey. "So why did you push him away?"

"God, Alice. Beat around the bush much?" She handed Alice the chop suey and picked up the lo mein. Unsure how to answer Alice's question, she stalled, stirring the food around with her chopsticks.

A long moment passed without words. When Bella peeked up at Alice, she found the girl staring right at her, her expression unfathomable.

Alice tilted her head slightly as if trying to figure out something. Bella watched, bemused, as intuition flashed across her tiny face. "Who hurt you, Bella?"

Shocked, Bella froze up completely. She gripped the chopsticks ferociously, willing her breaths to steady. When Bella didn't answer after a moment, Alice smiled sadly and nodded knowingly. "Who was it?" she asked again.

"My boyfriend, back home in Forks," Bella whispered.

"How bad was it?"

Bella looked distrustfully at Alice, but found only concern in her eyes. Still, the question was improper; it was not something one speaks about in casual conversation. Then again, this conversation hardly felt casual at the moment. Bella reached across the coffee table for the beer she had barely touched and took a long drink; it was slightly warm and tasted yeasty. She made a face but kept it nearby. If the topic of conversation didn't change soon, she would need more of these.

Many more.

Alice was still waiting for an answer, she realized.

"It was bad."

"Was he violent?"

Bella hesitated. "Uh, sometimes."

"How long were you with him?" Alice asked softly.

"Two years. Seven months. Eight days," Bella whispered, chugging the rest of the beer. She hated even thinking about the length of her relationship with James. It was pathetic. Hindsight was, indeed, 20/20, and she was now painfully aware of how incredibly stupid she had been to stay with him for so long. Everything that happened senior year she had essentially brought upon herself.

Bella's gaze fell shamefully to her lap as she thought about her extraordinarily poor choices and all the people who'd suffered because of them. A gasp from Alice, however, brought her eyes back up.

Alice stared at Bella for a long moment. Bella held her gaze unwillingly; something about Alice's expression made it hard for her to look away.

Bella watched in alarm as Alice seemed to come to a conclusion in her own mind. The expression on her face was eerily reminiscent of those Bella had seen in the friends and coworkers of her father at the police department.

"Bella," she began. "Did he… were you…"

How in the hell Alice figured it out, Bella had no clue. But she knew. It was obvious she knew. Her face mirrored the naively misplaced pity Bella had seen entirely too many times in the last year and a half. She confirmed Alice's question with an embarrassed nod.

Alice crossed the sofa in one leap, embracing Bella tightly. "My god, Bella, no wonder…" she murmured. Bella reached for the coffee table and set the beer bottle down before awkwardly returning Alice's hug.

The embrace felt alien to her, and a hard knot formed in her chest as she tried to recall the last time she'd been hugged by another woman. Jake's mom had been the last, she realized – just before she died. That was ten years ago. The memory of the woman Bella had adored like she were her own mother brought up feelings of loss that she usually did her best to keep locked down. They would not be quelled tonight, however, and with the shame of the topic at hand currently burning a hole in her stomach, it was too much to contain. Bella burst into tears.

Alice tried not to be alarmed when Bella's cries turned into outright sobs, opting to just hold her friend and let her cry it out.

Bella cried until the room went dark. When she finally calmed herself down she let go of Alice, who returned to her side of the sofa. "Sorry about that," Bella said softly, wiping her face with her shirt.

Alice shrugged. "That sounded like it was a long time coming." Bella looked at Alice questioningly. "I knew from the moment we met that you were carrying a heavy burden, you know. I could see it." Bella frowned at that information. She'd thought she'd hidden it very well.

"I could see how strong you are, is what I mean. Your heart is heavy, yet you went about, living your life, doing the best you could. But lately, you seemed to be _really_ struggling. It felt like you shut down – like I couldn't reach you. That's why I wanted to have dinner with you tonight. I missed you, Bella." Alice reached for Bella's hand and squeezed it. Bella sighed.

"Who do you talk to about this stuff? A best friend back home? Your mom?" Alice inquired. She looked frightened when Bella start crying again.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Alice exclaimed remorsefully. "What did I say?"

"It's okay, Alice. I just… I don't have any other girl friends. Jake's really the only friend I have. And I haven't seen my mother in fifteen years." Bella sniffled and sighed in frustration. She hated how out of control her tear ducts were today.

Alice hugged tightly. "You have _me_. I am your friend. And I will support you as much as you let me."

Bella gave her the best smile she could manage and wiped the tears from her face.

"We need more beer," Alice declared, jumping up and skipping to the fridge for two fresh bottles. She handed one to Bella and sat back down, cross-legged, on the sofa next to her.

After a swig of beer and a long appraising look at Bella, Alice spoke again. "So, I have to ask. Did you go to the hospital? Get one of those kit things done? File a report?"

Bella took a swig of the cold beer and steeled her mind for this conversation. She much preferred to mentally detach herself from what happened; it made it easier to talk about.

Bella nodded. "Yeah, they took me to the hospital. They did a… kit." Her voice wavered; she blinked hard, pushing the memories away. _You're just giving the facts, Bella_. She inhaled deeply and continued. "I don't know much, but from what I've been told, they x-rayed me from head to toe, did a CT scan, put five stitches in my head, taped up two broken ribs, and I honestly don't even know what else. I was in the hospital for three days." The truth was, she'd spent the first of her three days in a coma. But Alice didn't need to know that.

"My god," Alice whispered. "Where is he now?"

"Prison."

Alice nodded thoughtfully. They shared a few moments of silence while that information settled over the room, heavy and thick.

Alice broke the silence. "Did you date much, before you met him?"

"No. He was my first," Bella answered wistfully. In truth, he had been more than just her first boyfriend. James had been her first kiss. He had given Bella her first drink, her first cigarette. '_And for his final act…'_ she thought bitterly.

Bella's mind began to disobediently wander down memory lane again. "Bella?" Alice asked worriedly. Bella tried to blink her eyes into focus, only to feel tears sliding down her face.

"Where did you go?" Alice whispered to her friend.

Bella stared at her for a moment, before offering her best attempt at a smile. It looked more like a grimace. "A dark and scary place."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not particularly."

"Okay, then let's change the subject. You want another beer?"

Bella looked at her beer, drank the rest of it, and burped. "Yes, please."

"Thank goodness you have a fridge-full. We may need them." Alice returned from the fridge with more beer and plopped down next to Bella, their knees touching. Bella didn't really know what to make of Alice's close proximity, or the unnecessary physical contact. She debated asking about it, but decided it was comforting, and she didn't really want Alice to stop.

"Tell me something good," Alice smiled. "What did Edward say on Sunday?"

Bella shrugged. "Well, he still wants to see me."

Alice took a sip of beer. "Well, why wouldn't he? You're smart, you're pretty, and you're kind."

"I'm completely screwed up, Alice. I am so damaged I apparently can't even have a friend over for take-out without bursting into tears."

Alice had been debating whether or not to bring it up, but Bella pretty much opened the door with that comment. They were way past pretending everything was okay at this point, anyhow. "Does he know about your panic attacks?"

Bella stiffened. "How do you know about that?" Intuition was one thing, but you don't just guess something like that. Had she been snooping in Bella's things at work? Had Jake and Alice been talking about her behind her back?

Alice placed her hand on Bella's knee tenderly. "When my little sister first came to live with us, she had a panic attack every time she heard a car backfire. It was a lot like what happened with you and Edward that day in the bookstore. I wanted to talk to you about it, but you tried to play it off, so I thought…" Alice sighed. "I don't know what I thought. I guess I figured you'd tell me when you were ready."

Bella nodded thoughtfully, scolding herself for jumping to conclusions.

"Are you seeing a professional? Taking meds?" Alice asked.

Bella squirmed at the question and drank her beer. "Um, I have a prescription from a doctor for Xanax." _At least that's a completely honest answer,_ Bella thought to herself.

The way Alice eyed her, she wondered if Alice had picked up on what Bella hadn't said. She'd have to be more careful around this one, clearly.

"So… does Edward know or not?"

"I told him that I have panic attacks," Bella answered slowly. He didn't need to know anything else right now. Or ever.

"Good," Alice said, punctuating her approval with a swig of beer. "That's out of the way, out in the open, blah blah blah. When are you going out again?"

"Thursday, to see Jasper's band."

Alice clapped cheerfully. "Yay! Oh, damn. I mean, yay, definitely yay, but I won't get to spend time with you because you'll be _on a date_." Alice's joy turned into a pout, which, much to Bella's amusement, then transformed into a grin again.

"Is he taking you out Friday night, too?"

"No, why?"

"You, me, pizza, chick flick, 8:00pm. What do you say?"

Alice's eyes were bright, whether from a little too much beer or a little too much interest in chick flicks, Bella could not determine. She looked down to where Alice's knee touched hers, and almost smiled. "That sounds good."

x – x – x – x – x

"I love Asian chicken salad," Edward exclaimed as he pulled the lid off the container. "How did you know?"

"I didn't. But I guess it's a good thing you do," Bella grinned. She handed him a bottle of water and opened up her own container. It was a warm August evening, but a cool breeze was blowing, and Bella was grateful for it. She had once again insisted on bringing the food after their date to the Los Angeles County Museum of Art, so they were now enjoying dinner in the park nearby. She had also managed to time their date so that they got in for free. When Edward had realized this, he shot Bella a pointed look, to which she shrugged innocently. Edward knew, of course, that she'd done it on purpose, but was too much of a gentleman to say so.

They ate in comfortable silence, which Bella grateful for. The first couple of dates after the beach party had been awkward; Bella stumbled through them uncomfortably. But Edward was astonishingly patient, and almost seemed to know just when the crowds or conversation got to be too much for her. Like at Jasper's gig – they'd left after only an hour, and found a quiet coffee shop, which they sat in, talking over coffee and pastries. Dutch, of course, at Bella's insistence.

When Edward was finished, he replaced the lid and gazed at Bella earnestly. "Thank you, that was delicious. Next time, however, can it be my turn to provide the meal?"

"You can cook?"

"No," Edward chuckled. "Not at all. I was referring to taking you somewhere where someone with significantly better kitchen skills than myself would prepare us something to eat."

As Edward expected, Bella stiffened visibly at the suggestion. "Please explain that reaction," he said softly.

Bella shrugged, but it was artificial. "I told you why already. I like to pay my own way."

"And I respect that," Edward answered carefully. "But it would make me very happy if you would occasionally permit me to treat you to a lovely meal like you've now done for me four times."

Bella nodded politely, but did not respond. Edward sighed.

x – x – x – x – x

Before Bella knew it, fall quarter was starting. She was busy in the bookstore again, and Edward was taking his last "regular term", as he called it – his last term before officially starting medical school. He called it the 7-year program, but Bella had no idea what that meant. All she knew was they were both busy, and free time was at a premium.

The good part about that was that with their schedules, the relationship had no choice but to progress slowly. The bad part was that on her good days, Bella wished it wasn't going so slow.

Little did Bella know that Edward wished that every single day. There was a certain old-fashionedness about their courting that was very fitting for Bella, and Edward did his best to remember that he was letting her lead. But there were things about Bella that drove him absolutely crazy: the way her bangs fell out around her face when she had her hair up; the way she'd sometimes look up at him through her dark, lush eyelashes; the way her whole face lit up when he made her laugh. Every time he was with her she would do something that would make him want to press her body against his and kiss away every bad thing that ever happened to her; he wanted to hold her until they fused together and became one. He sighed loudly. He was sitting in the coffee lounge, textbook unopened, watching Bella work. A girl wearing a knit cap said something clever; he could not hear it, but he could see Bella's amused reaction. She rolled her eyes as if in annoyance, but one side of her mouth pulled up into a grin despite herself. Every time she did that, she'd inevitably catch herself smiling, bite her lip, and look at the ground. Including this time. Edward shook his head to himself with a smirk and opened his laptop. He did have work to do, after all. Bella's birthday was coming up and he wanted to take her somewhere nice. He thought about the dates they'd been on over the summer; the museums, a concert, the movies. They hadn't returned to the beach after Alice's 4th of July beach party.

But Bella loved the beach.

With a grin, Edward googled Duke's in Malibu and made reservations. Surely she wouldn't deny him a simple meal and a walk along the beach.

The night of their date, Edward knocked on Bella's door holding a dozen roses. Unable to choose a color, and unsure whether Bella was into the whole flower color symbolism thing, he opted for a rainbow. Pinks, corals, yellows, white – a variety of brightly hued buds arranged in a heavy rectangular crystal vase.

They took Bella's breath away. "Oh my god." Edward handed them to her, and she kissed him on the cheek before placing them on the coffee table. "They're beautiful, thank you."

Edward held out his arms, and Bella walked into them, hugging him as he embraced her. It wasn't a kiss; he didn't get a whole lot of those. He enjoyed being able to hold her in his arms nonetheless. "Happy Birthday," he murmured into her hair. "Are you ready to go?" he hinted, noticing her bare feet.

"Um, about that… I thought it might be fun to split a pizza and watch a DVD," Bella suggested. Her smile was a little _too_ bright, Edward thought. She was trying to back out on the date. Damn it – were they back to this?

With a frown, Edward sat down on the futon. Bella followed, her teeth busily chewing up her lower lip. He looked unhappy; this wasn't good. Bella sighed and fingered the hem of her shirt anxiously.

"Bella, I need you to understand something. I mean, _really_ understand." Bella swallowed nervously.

Edward turned slightly so that he was facing her. "I don't expect _anything_ from you. I just like being with you. Taking you to a movie, or to dinner… that's just my way of enjoying your company. It's just a way to spend time with you. Nothing more."

Bella sat stiffly next to him. She understood what he was saying, logically. And in her heart, deep down, she believed him. But her head led these days. And her head would not be dissuaded from its mantra – _everybody wants something_.

"Can you please tell me why you assume anything else from me?" Edward asked quietly, the hurt evident in his voice.

_No_, Bella answered to herself. But she knew perfectly well why. The first example was, as Edward had made her recall once before, her birthday dinner with James in Port Angeles. But in truth, every time James had taken Bella out on a 'real' date, he had gotten extra grabby with her. She hadn't been strong enough to say no then, but she would be damned if she'd go down this road again.

Bella's expression halted Edward's indignation. Understanding flashed across his face. "Hey," he said softly, placing his hand on hers. Bella blinked a few times, trying to clear her mind and her expression before meeting his gaze. She found Edward's brows furrowed, his beautiful green eyes sad.

"I am not that guy," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "You deserve to be taken to nice places without expectation of anything in return."

Bella took a steadying breath after these words, and willed away the tears stinging her tear ducts. She wished what he said was true. She wanted to be the girl he described. Someday, she hoped she would be. Unable to think of anything appropriate to say to him, she simply squeezed his hand.

"Will you _please_ let me take you out to dinner for your birthday?"

x – x – x – x – x

Edward had chosen a beautiful restaurant in Malibu. It wasn't really fancy, though the menu certainly was, and the food was terrific. Edward said he thought she might prefer something with a little more casual feel to it, and he had been right. And it being right on the beach, she happily watched the sun set into the horizon while she ate. She only wished she'd brought her camera, so she could capture the colors of the sky change as the sun fell. By the time the meal was over, Edward was grinning like a kid on Christmas morning.

"You like Duke's?"

"I loved it."

"Feel like wiggling your toes in some sand?"

They drove down PCH to a strip of public beach and parked. Edward held his and Bella's shoes as they strolled down the shore. The sun had fallen but there was still light in the sky, and there were plenty of streetlights coming on. Even still, Bella rolled her palm over her jeans now and then to be sure the small cylindrical can was still in her pocket.

The shameful look on Bella's face in her apartment had haunted Edward all evening. He desperately wanted to inquire what piece of shit guy had taught her that men expect to be repaid in any way for taking a woman out. He suspected it might fill in some of the blanks she had yet to fill in herself – the anxiety, maybe? The pills? The sometimes complete lack of trust in others? He grimaced as he realized, however, that one date, or even one lousy boyfriend, couldn't possibly explain all of those things.

_Unless she was abused_. He had not considered that possibility before, and it made him angry now to do so. With rapid-fire succession, he mentally tallied a half-dozen violent things he would do to anyone who harmed her.

This was a dangerous train of thought, he realized. And not fair to Bella. This was her night, and he didn't even know if what he thought was true. He needed a distraction, he decided. "Tell me about your family."

Bella glanced at him in surprise. "That was random." Edward shrugged. "Uh, well, it's been just me and Charlie, my dad, since I was four. Jake and his parents were always around on the weekends though, and for holidays. Then Jake's mom died, and it was just us and our two dads."

"That explains the bond you two have."

Bella nodded.

They walked a while in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. Edward chuckled to himself, and Bella looked at him questioningly. "You know, after I met Jake, I expected it to bother me, you guys living together. I mean here's this big muscular guy, walking in to the party, wrapping his arm around you… I prepared myself for the jealousy, but for some reason it never came." He shrugged to himself. "What you guys have is kind of beautiful. It's rare to find a friendship as close, and as well balanced, as yours. I'm honestly glad to know you have somebody like Jake in your corner."

Bella smiled at Edward and took his hand. They walked in silence again. She thought about telling Jake what Edward said, wondering what he would think of it. She wondered what he would have thought if he'd known what James had said about their relationship. Bella stifled a shudder as her imagination painted that battle scene for her.

One Friday afternoon during her senior year, Bella had gone to the Quileute reservation to see Jake after school. It was a warm spring day, and she'd spent most of the afternoon laughing, skipping rocks, and exchanging snarky remarks with Jake and his two best friends down at First Beach. She stayed for dinner with Billy and Jake and got home later than she intended to. She pulled up to her house to find James waiting angrily. Charlie's car was gone; he'd already left for his graveyard shift. "Is that why you keep denying me?" he demanded, following her into her house. "You're down on the rez, fucking the big dumb Indian?"

He grabbed Bella by the arm and dragged her to his car, not even giving her a chance to lock the house behind her. "We're going to be late to this party because you were busy whoring around with the natives. People are expecting me."

Bella cried angrily as he sped down the road. "Why do you say things like that? He's _family_, James. You know that."

James slammed on the brakes, swerving onto the shoulder of the road. He grabbed her face roughly and she blanched at his menacing glare. "I am warning you, Bella. Do not make a scene or embarrass me at this party. Or so help me God, you will be sorry."

James took little time getting completely wasted at the party. The drunker he got, the more vulgar and obscene his comments got. He would pull her in as if for a kiss and whisper them in her ear, clearly enjoying how uncomfortable it made her. He didn't let her away from his side all evening.

Leaving the party, Bella knew James was too drunk to drive. She quietly asked him to please give her the keys so she could drive. That was the wrong thing to say. Too quickly for her to react, James twisted her wrist until she cried out, and whispered angrily in her ear. "What did I tell you about embarrassing me here? Get in the fucking car right now, and don't speak another word."

Bella kept her eyes closed the whole way home. She figured if he was going to kill them both, she'd rather not see it happen. Thankfully, James eventually pulled his car into the driveway. Bella reached for the door handle, but James grabbed a fistful of her hair and pulled her to him for a kiss. It was a hard kiss – angry and mean. With his other hand, he fondled her breasts roughly. He forced his tongue in her mouth; he tasted like pot and whiskey. "You tell that Indian that you belong to _me_," he hissed before letting go of her hair.

Bella never told Jake anything about that night, for fear of what he would do. Any time she went to see Jake after that, James would insist she was 'whoring around with the natives', and insist on fooling around. Like he wanted to mark his territory.

Remembering James' words, Bella couldn't help wondering where Edward _really_ stood on the issue. There was no way he was that accepting. "You don't wonder if we're secretly messing around?" Her words didn't come out nearly as playfully as she intended.

Edward stopped walking. Bella stopped too, turning to face him. "Anyone with eyes, ears, and half a brain can see two things: one, you two are extremely close. Two, there is nothing sexual about your relationship."

That was _too_ good of an answer. Bella eyed him dubiously.

"Seriously, I wondered for all of like five minutes, the night I met him. But it's obvious what you two have."

Bella was stunned. How could two men be so completely and utterly different? It was like Edward was the complete opposite of James – his negative image. _No, scratch that. James is the negative._

"Tell me what you're thinking," Edward whispered, leaning his forehead against hers, one hand against the small of her back.

Now just a dozen yards from the beach sidewalk and its row of twinkling street lamps, Bella looked up at Edward and got lost in his eyes, which, unfortunately, disabled the filter between her brain and her mouth.

"I was thinking about how different you are from my…ex-boyfriend." Bella flinched at the use of 'boyfriend'. It sickened her to allow him that title now, and she used it twice in the past month. Edward's brows raised in surprise. She chewed her lower lip.

Edward was taken aback. She was comparing him to her ex right now? What the hell? _That'll teach you to ask her what she's thinking, idiot._

"Uh, in what way?"

Bella sighed and looked out at the water crashing into the shore. "Pretty much everything you've ever said or done since I met you," she said, more to herself than in response to Edward.

It took a minute for Edward to process her words. Once he did, they about broke his heart. His chest physically ached and he stared, dumbfounded, at her profile in the dim light. Her face was stoic, but the wrinkle in her brow, Edward knew by now, was sadness.

"He was jealous of Jake?" Edward guessed.

"And other things," Bella corrected absently. She realized her slip quickly enough and bit her lip hard. _Shut the hell up, Bella._

Edward's thoughts returned to his earlier musing and everything just clicked. He reached for Bella's hand, tugging gently in a silent request for her to look at him again. When she finally did, it was hesitant. But he had to know. "Bella, did he hurt you?"

_What, am I wearing a sign? _Bella clutched her purse tightly, grateful her antique gold pillbox was contained inside. _I need a Xanax, _she thought, but argued with herself._ No, I can't keep doing that with him._ She was sure, however, if she even started down this topic of conversation tonight, she was going to lose her composure. And she couldn't keep doing that with him either! She didn't know what to do.

Edward read the distress in Bella's eyes and pulled her in for a hug. She stiffened for a moment, but Edward felt her relax into his arms, and he sighed. She didn't need to say a word – her expression told him everything he needed to know…for now.

"I want to earn your trust, Bella," he spoke quietly, his face angled toward Bella's ear. "I don't want to ever hurt you. But I need your help, okay? You have to communicate with me. Teach me your boundaries, tell me if I say or do something to make you uncomfortable. Tell me your concerns – or even if you're just having a bad day."

Bella nodded into Edward's chest.

"Promise?" Bella hesitated, but nodded again.

"I'm in no hurry, Bella. I get that you have some stuff to work through. This relationship between you and I, it's in your control. You set the pace."

Bella let go of Edward and looked into his eyes, dubious yet again. What kind of mind fuckery was this? _She's_ in control? She narrowed her eyes, inspecting his face. He looked so sincere. There was no hard edge to his eyes, no sneer. His facial muscles and hands were relaxed. It made no sense.

Edward watched Bella's expression curiously. What did he say to cause such a reaction? _You said relationship, _he realized. Is that where they were? He supposed after the insane, vengeful thoughts he'd had this evening, 'relationship' was an appropriate term for what he was feeling. But was that where she wanted to be?

He didn't get to find out, not that night. Bella tugged on Edward's hand and they walked down the beach again, hand in hand. All the focus on James had her feeling too jumpy, too anxious. She liked the feeling of Edward beside her, though, and didn't want to miss it by going into a Xanax-induced coma. As quietly as she could, she took the calming breaths she'd learned from the therapist in Forks, enjoying the thunder of the waves and the cool sand under her feet.

x – x – x – x – x

Edward went for a late-night jog after dropping Bella off. He was still angry, thinking about Bella's ex. His imagination was not his friend; he found it altogether too facile to contemplate the details of their relationship. By the end of the run, not only was he no less keyed up, he was pondering ways to find this guy and beat him to a bloody pulp. He showered and went to bed, but he did not sleep.

In the morning, Edward grabbed his red gym bag from the floor of his closet and drove to Pacific Palisades. He made it just in time for the 7am kickboxing class, kicking his shoes off at the dojo entrance and tossing them in a cubby before joining the other men on the mat. He threw himself into the lesson, surprising his sparring partner and sensei. He stayed for the 8am ju-jitsu class, as well.

Dripping with sweat and aching all over, Edward felt marginally better as he gathered his things after class. "I haven't seen you that focused on the mat since you applied for med school last year," came a deep voice behind him. Edward turned to find Sensei Demitrix looking at him with an amused expression. "Everything alright?"

Edward pulled a towel out of the gym bag and wiped the sweat from his face and neck. _Just imagining beating my girl's ex to death. _"Just working out some aggression."

"Perhaps you should hold on to some of that aggression," the older man said pointedly. "It serves you well."

Edward went home, showered, and tried to study. But he could not sit still, and he kept re-reading the same page, with no idea what it said. With an aggravated sigh, he tossed his books aside and laced up his running shoes. Abandoning his normal route, he headed up Beverly Glen and jogged down Mulholland Drive. It wasn't the smartest choice; the road had too many cars and too little shoulder. But there were no people, no faces. That was all he cared about right now. He found himself again questioning the intense feelings of protectiveness he suddenly felt toward Bella. She was a big girl, he told himself. She could take care of herself. Plus, she practically had a built-in bodyguard living with her.

That rationalization did nothing to squash the rage he felt for the guy who had hurt her.

As he pounded the pavement, he wondered if he was getting ahead of himself. Maybe what he needed to do was pull back a little, put some space between himself and the issue. These feelings were distracting and confusing, to say the least. And what if she wasn't feeling the same? He dismissed that option quickly, however. The thought of seeing Bella any less than he did now was completely unbearable. He would just have to learn to deal with this information appropriately.

And perhaps spend less time jogging, and more time at the dojo.

* * *

**So, cat's out of the bag now, at least partially. What do we think?**


	12. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.**

**Thanks, as always, to my betas and to each of you who've taken the time to review. **

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Bella slid her ticket stub into her purse as Edward started the engine.

"So, what did you think?" He grinned at her before backing out of the parking spot and turning onto Figueroa. It was a cold evening, even for October; Bella cranked up the Volvo's heater.

In the course of their date, Edward had told Bella about dozens of concerts he'd been to over the years with his brother or his friends. He made it sound like a commonplace event, and yet vitally important. A necessary luxury. For that reason, she was reluctant to admit she'd never been to a real concert before.

Small towns like Forks didn't exactly have bustling entertainment industries. The closest she'd ever come to live entertainment was sitting through the Forks High Talent Show, which she missed half of anyway. She hadn't wanted to go, but James had insisted, begging for a date night. But their 'date' turned into Bella picking up his friends on the way. James, Mike and Eric wandered outside almost immediately after arriving, leaving Bella alone in the bleachers. Right as the Forks High cheerleaders began reenacting the _Hey, Mickey_ music video, the gym doors slammed open and shut. James stomped up the stairs and across Bella's row, stepping on feet and cursing at students as he went. Something had happened in the parking lot and the guys were asked to leave. Since Bella was their ride, she had to leave, too. Immediately. They were riled up and excessively talkative the whole way home, and all spent the night at Eric's house, whose parents had gone to Port Angeles for the weekend. She never did find out what they'd done, but the school proctors kept a closer eye on James and his friends after that night.

"I can honestly say that was the best concert I have ever seen."

"Yeah? Nice." After a couple of blocks, he turned down the radio. "I'm starving. Can we drive through someplace on the way home?"

They had made great strides in the past few months. They came to a reluctant agreement; if she picked the date, she could pack a picnic or do whatever she wanted to do. But if he picked the date, Bella had to be graceful about his paying for it. And that included meals. She shrugged. "Sure. I could eat."

A few minutes later, Edward pulled up to an old-fashioned looking drive-thru. A line of cars wrapped around the parking lot, but Edward didn't seem to mind; he pulled right up to the back of the line.

"What looks good?" he asked when they got close to the menu. He had wanted to say _what looks good, love?_ In his mind, he'd been calling her _love_ for weeks. They'd never really addressed their relationship status after the night in Malibu, however, and Edward had been too chicken to bring it up again. So he bit his tongue, and left off the _love_ – for now.

She ducked her head and leaned over almost into Edward's lap to view the menu board. There were only 4 items on it – a burger, a cheeseburger, a double cheeseburger, and french fries. There were three flavors of shake and a handful of soda flavors, but really, just four food items. They had combos, at least, and she picked the cheapest one. "The #3 with lemonade."

"Okay, we're ready," Edward said into the speaker, his head leaning out of the car window. "We'll take a #3 with lemonade, and a double meat, animal style, extra toast, with fries well-done and a Neapolitan shake."

Bella furrowed her brows at Edward. "What did you just order?"

"What?" Edward looked confused.

"You just made that up!" she laughed.

"I didn't! It's all off the secret menu," Edward chuckled.

Bella looked at the restaurant logo on the menu board as the girl in the box gave Edward the total, and told him to pull ahead. "In-n-Out has a secret menu?" she scoffed.

Edward pulled ahead and stared at Bella, dumbfounded. "How long have you lived here?"

Bella counted back to December in her head. "Ten months."

"And you don't speak In-n-Out yet?"

"I've never even heard of this place."

Edward clutched his hands to his chest in false pain. "You're killing me. In-n-Out is the greatest burger joint on Earth. There's one on Gayley, right by campus! And another a few miles from your place. How is it possible you've never been here?" He shook his head to himself as if bewildered. Bella stuck her tongue out at him, and he laughed.

"Well you've been missing out. Google 'In-n-Out Secret Menu' sometime and you'll see. Magic things happen to burgers and fries here."

"Duly noted."

They ate their meal out of cardboard boxes in Edward's car, listening to a late-night radio show on the rock station. Bella teased him about his fancy secret burger some more. She also ate more of his fries than her own. She still wasn't comfortable with him opening his wallet, but she had to admit this was fun. She felt like a local.

Edward pulled up at Bella's just after 1:00am. She sat patiently in the car as he walked around to open the door for her – another thing they'd had to come to an agreement about. Bella wasn't used to waiting for doors to be opened for her; it seemed silly. Edward insisted his mother would disown him if she found out he was not being a perfect gentleman. So she let him open her car door and walk her all the way up the stairs to her door after each date, no matter how late it was. She refused to admit it, even to herself, but deep down she enjoyed the chivalry.

At the door, as he often did, Edward took Bella's hands in his. Though he didn't quite understand it, he respected that she had some physical boundaries. He suspected it stemmed from the ex, which he tried not to think about, because it made him want to hit things. In any case, holding her hand was something she almost always let him do, and it was one of the few ways he was able to be physically close to her. "I had a great time tonight," he said quietly, and squeezed her hands lightly.

Bella squeezed back. An almost bashful look crossed her face, and Edward was more than a little surprised when she got up on her tip-toes and leaned in for a kiss.

Her lips brushed his softly at first, and Edward responded a little more firmly. He caressed her face reverently, soaking in the delicious warmth of her lips against his. Bella rested one hand on Edward's hip, and one on his chest.

The kiss was neither sexy nor passionate, though Bella wished it were. She wished she were alluring, or sensual. She wished he could know how much she wanted to be more for him. She had found herself daydreaming lately of hearing him introduce her as his girlfriend. Unfortunately, she didn't know how to be alluring, sensual, or even a girlfriend. She understood those things only in a literary sense. Everything she had learned from experience, she knew now, was wrong.

All she knew was that she liked that weird feeling she got in her chest every time she kissed Edward. And tonight was no exception.

Bella ended the kiss and rolled back onto her heels. She gazed into Edward's eyes, her bottom lip bashfully smashed between her teeth. Edward smiled down at her, his thumbs caressing her cheeks once more before he let her go.

"Goodnight, Bella," he whispered, and jogged down the stairs to his car.

x – x – x – x – x

Three weeks later, Bella stood in her bathroom, attempting to apply makeup. As many times as she'd seen Alice do it, she should have some clue by now, she scolded herself. She stared at her reflection hopelessly. This attempt was worse than the first. Now she didn't look like a glitter princess; she looked like Courtney Love. She washed her face for a second time and threw the little boxes of makeup back in the pouch. It was a stupid idea anyway, she decided with a resigned sigh.

"You wanna ride with us, or is the boyfriend picking you up?" Jake called out to Bella. He was buttoning up a starched black dress shirt and kicking around a pile of laundry, trying to find the black leather shoes he'd purchased for the occasion.

Bella walked back into the living room, her steps faltering as Jake's words registered. "What did you say?"

"How are you getting to Alice's?" he grunted, forcing his giant foot into a fancy loafer.

"Nice shoes." Bella looked at the clock on the DVD player. "Edward will be here in fifteen minutes."

"Kay. I'm going to pick up Leah now; might be Friday night traffic, and I don't want to be late. I'll meet you there." Jake grabbed his keys from the hook by the door and took the stairs two at a time, the door clicking shut behind him.

Bella folded herself up into the green chair, Jake's question playing repeatedly in her head. She barely heard him start up the Rabbit and drive away. _The boyfriend,_ he'd said. The word invited images of dirty blonde hair, perfectly straight teeth, and icy blue eyes, dilated and bloodshot. It smelled like cheap cologne and well-worn leather. It sounded like angry whispers and tires squealing on wet roads. The term was essentially a sheisty used-car salesman – all plastic smiles and empty promises.

There had been a time, though, when that word had made her feel attractive and happy. When she was a lonely sophomore, low on the popularity totem pole, skinny and awkward, she'd ended up in the bleachers next to James during an assembly. He'd complimented her chocolate-brown eyes and proceeded to entertain her with quips and jokes aimed at the flannel-clad cheerleaders performing on the court below them. It didn't take long for Bella to become infatuated with the enchanting combination of James' All-American good looks and bad-boy image. He wanted to spend all his time with her, and she relished the way he coveted her. By the end of the month, he'd been calling her his girlfriend.

Yes, she had loved the attention… at first.

And that thought brought her right back to Jake's words. In his mind, Edward was equivalent to James. That angered her. How could he think that? Edward was not icy blue eyes and leather and rage. Edward was green eyes and copper hair. He was Irish soap and coffee. He was soft hands and patience and smiles that made her melt. He was _not _James.

And just like that, it was suddenly clear. _Edward is not James._

With that epiphany came a knock at the door. Bella stared at the door blankly, her mind busy processing this new idea and what it meant. A moment later, she heard the knock again, and a muffled voice. "Bella?"

That time she found her words. "It's open."

Edward opened the door to the loft to find Bella curled up in her chair, staring at him. She looked neither happy nor upset to see him, just sort of…blank. Frowning, Edward dropped to his knees beside her and took her hands, kissing her fingers sweetly.

"Is everything okay?" he asked as calmly as he could manage. Bella squeezed his fingers and gave him a small smile.

"You sure? You seem… lost in thought."

"I was. But now you are here, and I am ready to go." She smiled and stood. This smile was brighter, Edward noted, inspecting her closely. Her eyes wrinkled at the edges; it was a genuine smile. He stood as well, stepping aside so that she could slide on her shoes. They were black, like her slacks. Her berry-colored sweater was much more fitted than she usually wore; he wondered if Alice had taken her shopping again.

Bella retrieved the casserole dish from the tiny kitchen counter, checked her pockets, and grabbed her purse. Edward opened the door for her and took the foil-wrapped dish down to the car while she locked up the loft. He set it in the backseat next to the rolls he'd purchased from the bakery near his house and then waited, as he always did, at the passenger-side car door for Bella to get in.

x – x – x – x – x

Halfway through the meal, Bella decided that without a doubt, Thanksgiving at Alice and Jasper's was the best Thanksgiving she'd ever had. Piles of leftover turkey from Jasper's parents, homemade pumpkin pie from Alice's mom, a salad made by Leah, dinner rolls from Edward, and Bella's late grandmother's traditional apple walnut stuffing – it was a perfect meal. The six of them gathered around a huge square coffee table in the living room, barefoot and seated on silk cushions. Each couple shared an ebony teapot full of hot oolong tea. Alice had hung cream-colored paper lanterns from the light fixture over the table. It made no sense, yet it was perfect – who else but Alice could pull off an elegant Japanese-themed Thanksgiving dinner?

Alice took advantage of a short lull in the conversation, when everyone was busy enjoying the meal. "We probably should have done this at the beginning of the meal, but I think it'd be nice to go around the table now and say what we're thankful for."

"That's an excellent idea, baby," Jasper murmured into her ear, barely loud enough for the others to hear. Alice stifled a giggle as Jasper's lips brushed across her ear lobe, and turned her face to meet his lips for a kiss. They remained that way for a long moment, looking in each other's eyes and nuzzling noses. They did that a lot, Bella noticed. It was like once they got in close proximity of each other, they couldn't help but touch each other – like magnets. Even now, while they ate, their knees touched. It seemed unconscious; she wondered whether they even realized they were doing it.

She glanced at Edward, who was talking baseball with Jake. He felt her gaze and looked at her, grinning happily. She smiled back, thankful that he and Jake seemed to genuinely like each other. It would have torn her apart if they hadn't gotten along.

"I'll start," Alice chuckled, giving Jasper one quick kiss before sitting upright on her cushion and looking around. She had everyone's attention. "I am thankful for the love I receive," she said, squeezing Jasper's hand, "and my adoptive parents, without whom I wouldn't be the person that I am today."

Jasper went next. "I am thankful for Camel smokes and the caramel sauce in the fridge door," he said, smirking at Alice, who actually blushed.

"Do we even want to know what that means?" Jake asked, chuckling at Alice's embarrassment.

Leah saved Alice from an explanation. "I am thankful for the ability to go to school," she said pointedly. She shot Alice a wink.

"Well," Jake said, before shoving a forkful of turkey and stuffing into his mouth, "I am thankful for Bella's amazing stuffing, and for Quil, who is responsible for Bella and I being here tonight." He leaned over and kissed Leah.

Bella watch their interaction with great interest. She realized how little attention she'd paid to Jake's relationship with Leah these past few months; so caught up was she in her own damaged mind. When had they gone from casual dating to coupledom? Was there an official moment she had missed, or had it happened gradually? Thinking again about Jake's words back at the loft, she had to wonder if that had happened to her and Edward, and she'd missed it, too.

Edward's hand rested lightly on Bella's knee and he watched her watch Jake; she had an amused expression on her face. He wondered what was going on in that private little head of hers. He squeezed her knee, one eyebrow quirked in question.

Bella didn't answer him. Instead she placed her hand on Edward's and beamed at him, a declaration forming around the thoughts dancing about in her mind. Then she cleared her throat. "I am thankful for the friends I have made here," she began, glancing at Alice, who winked at her. "I am thankful for the roof over our head," she added, smiling at Jake. "And I am thankful for my rather incredible boyfriend."

Edward took a beat too long to process the words that fell from Bella's mouth. Had he heard her right? Bella was biting her lower lip, a bashful smile playing at the edges of her mouth.

"Did you just call me your boyfriend?" he whispered huskily in her ear. Bella gave him a small nod and squeezed his hand under the table. That one word answered so many questions he had about their relationship. He sometimes wondered if she would ever really let him in, but now his hope was renewed. He pulled back a bit and looked at her, thinking he could sit there and just look into her eyes forever. His dick was voting he get up from the table, tell everyone goodnight, and run off with Bella, and he hoped they were a step closer to that now. Edward grinned like a fool; he couldn't care less that Jasper and Jake were snickering at him. He barely restrained himself from doing a fist pump right at the table.

"Edward?" Alice prompted.

"Yes?" he asked distractedly. Alice quirked an eyebrow, but said nothing. "Oh. Right. Um, I'm thankful for…" He looked back at Bella, who was still holding his hand, her infectious smile distracting him. "Hell, I don't know," he stalled. The girls chuckled. The boys snickered again. Edward ran his fingers through his hair. "I guess I'm thankful to be doing my last term before officially starting med school… and for my family… and I am so unbelievably thankful for this beautiful girl sitting here beside me." Edward leaned in and pressed his lips against Bella's temple, and he breathed her in. She smelled like strawberry shampoo. She never wore perfume, but she always smelled like strawberries. He loved that scent.

"Okay, this dinner is getting a little too _corny_," Alice teased, standing and adjusting her skirt. "Let's have some _pie_."

After dinner, Bella and Leah helped Alice load the dishwasher and pack up leftovers while the guys played around in the living room with Jasper's guitars. "What's everybody doing for Christmas?" Alice asked, sliding the aluminum containers into grocery bags.

"I'll be in San Diego with my family," Leah said. "And I think Jake is going home?" She turned to Bella for confirmation.

"Yeah, he's flying home with his boss. They're spending Christmas on the reservation."

"What about you and Edward?" Alice asked.

"Um, I'm not sure, I think Edward and his brother might be going home, too." Bella looked pointedly at Alice, then glanced quickly at Leah_._ She wasn't going back to Forks, and though she knew Alice would want to talk about why, she didn't want to discuss it in front of Leah.

Alice picked up on Bella's message. "Jasper and I are going skiing, just the two of us. It's the first time in ages we've really been alone together. I can't wait."

Jasper sauntered into the kitchen then, wrapping his arms around Alice's waist and nuzzling her ear. "Mmm, I can't wait, either." Alice reacted visibly to Jasper's body against her, and Bella blushed and looked away. It felt too private. She was about to go looking for Edward when the boys entered the kitchen.

"Ready to go?" Jake asked Leah. She nodded.

"You going home, or to Leah's?" Bella asked him.

"My place," Leah grinned. In three steps Jake was on her, arms wrapped around her tightly. He kissed her and whispered something in her ear that made her giggle. Bella was pretty sure she didn't want to know what he said.

Hugs and thanks were exchanged moments later, and Alice handed out the doggy bags as everyone left. Alice pulled Bella in for a second hug just as she was walking out the door. "Call me tomorrow!" she whispered excitedly.

x – x – x – x – x

The roads were quiet as they drove back to Bella's house. It seemed all the Los Angelinos were either home with their families for the Thanksgiving holiday or up in the air flying home.

When they pulled up to the loft, Bella twisted in her seat to face Edward. "Do you have plans early tomorrow?" she asked.

Edward ran Saturday mornings, and sometimes hit the dojo for some kickboxing. At the moment, however, he was curious as to why the lovely girl before him had her bottom lip between her teeth again. "Nothing important, why do you ask?"

Bella glanced up at her front door and back to Edward. "You want to hang out for a while, watch a movie?"

A grin spread across Edward's face. "Love to." His dick twitched at the possibilities, calculating the way the night had gone so far and the number of hours left in the evening, divided by the amount of clothes Bella was wearing. His brain tried to tell his dick not to hold its breath – he very seriously doubted he was that lucky.

Up in the loft, Bella slid a Tarantino film into the DVD player and sat in the middle of the futon, right next to Edward. She leaned into Edward's body and he wrapped his free arm around her shoulder. Bella melted into him, imagining his arm a force field, protecting her from the outside world. She let out a slow breath and kicked off her shoes.

They watched the movie in comfortable silence. Edward's fingers alternated between sliding through Bella's hair and tracing feather-light circles on her arm, both of which felt heavenly. She couldn't remember ever feeling so relaxed with him. A part of her would always be wary, always suspicious, but the rest of her was finally in agreement – she'd been very lucky to find Edward. She settled further into his arms until she was completely cuddled up against Edward, her head on his chest.

So enraptured was Edward with the sensation of his fingers running through her soft chestnut waves, and her hand resting high on his thigh, he had no idea what was happening in the film. Bella laughed at something Samuel L. Jackson's character said, but Edward was completely lost. He was too concerned with keeping his dick in check. Bella seemed to have no idea how close her hand was, and Edward was pretty sure she wouldn't appreciate it suddenly rising up and saying hello. She may have called him her boyfriend, but she still showed no signs of wanting to take it to the next level.

He'd definitely be taking care of himself tonight. Again.

Being so accustomed to the skanks he seemed to attract, Edward tended to forget that not everybody wanted to screw on the first date. But Bella was in no hurry what-so-freaking-ever, he thought to himself. She said she came from a small town, and moved here right out of high school… was it possible she was still a virgin? That she was waiting for… whatever it was nice girls waited for? He wondered. How in the hell would he find that out though – come out and ask her? _So Bella, I was wondering if you're still a virgin, and if so, my dick and I would love to cure you of that. _ Not likely. But it's not like this was a conversation he'd ever had to have – he'd never dated a virgin before. Hell, he didn't think he'd even _met_ one since high school. The girls he and his brother had dated after graduation hadn't seen their virtue in years.

Of course, they'd also been generally banal and vapid copies of what a woman should be. Which was why he had pretty much given up on dating shortly after starting college. He was tired of the mannequins with heartbeats.

He looked down at his beautiful girl. She was genuine and sweet and had a fire within her – she was an original, one of a kind. She was also, he realized with no small amount of amusement, asleep in his arms. He debated whether to wake her. One whiff of her strawberry shampoo-scented hair, however, made the decision easy. He'd enjoy what he had until the movie ended, and wake her then.

When the credits began to roll, Edward shifted slightly, unsure how to wake her without startling her. His movement caused her to stir, however, and she sat up slowly. "Sorry," she chuckled. "I guess I should have picked a shorter movie."

"Don't apologize. I loved having you in my arms." Bella looked away bashfully. Edward stood. "I should probably be going, though. You need your sleep."

Bella followed him to the door, and he turned around to face her. Sliding his hands up her cheeks and weaving his fingers into her hair, he looked into her eyes. "I also loved it when you called me your boyfriend tonight."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Edward leaned toward her. He didn't hesitate anymore, not like the first time they kissed. He was fairly adept at knowing when Bella was, or wasn't, in a touchy-feely mood. Some days she stiffened even when he reached for her hand. Some days she was antsy, keeping her hands in or near her pockets at all times. But some days her hair was down, she had a twinkle in her eye, or she actually reached for him first… and those were _very_ good days. Today had been one of those days. Bella leaned into the kiss, pressing her body against Edward as her hands crawled up his back.

This kiss was different, and they both sensed it. Bella's lips parted, inviting Edward in. There was that tingle again – the one that made her arm hair stand on end. When she felt his tongue, she mimicked the action, earning a soft moan from Edward. He deepened the kiss, and that weird flutter in her chest made another appearance.

They stood at the door, tangled up in each other, for several minutes. Before long, however, Edward began to go into sensory overload. He needed to either walk out that door or lift her up and carry her to the futon where he could get some of those clothes off her. Summoning all the willpower in his body, he let his hands trail from her hair and neck, down her back, resting finally on her hips. With one last brush against her lips, he sighed.

"I should go," he whispered, his forehead against hers. Bella hummed in response, and he chuckled. "Good night, love."

"Good night."

Bella locked up behind him and changed quickly into pajamas before turning off the TV and getting into bed. She fell asleep easily, dreaming only once, just before dawn.

In the dream, it was graduation night. Bella was dressed in the outfit she had worn that night – the pink blouse, the brown heels, the khaki a-line skirt that landed just above her knees. She reached the bottom of the stairs as Charlie answered the door, and watched him invite James inside. Her body shook with fear; she did not want to go with him. Somehow she knew, though, that Charlie would make her. She turned her back and slid on her coat, hearing Charlie and James making small talk, as they always did. "Don't worry, I'll take good care of her," she heard. But the voice was wrong. It was too deep, too soft. Too kind. She spun around to find Edward standing in her father's house, wearing his graduation suit. His Volvo was parked on the street. She looked around frantically; James was gone. Edward reached for her hand and she gave it happily, and as Charlie waved them off, he walked her out the door.

x – x – x – x – x

"Charlie will be heartbroken."

"No he won't," Bella insisted. She was tired of this conversation. Jake had been trying to talk her into flying home for Christmas with him and Quil for weeks. He didn't seem to understand that she wasn't ready to go back there. And though she didn't say so, Bella doubted Charlie wanted to face her any more than she wanted to step foot in that house.

Quil had shut the garage down so his staff could spend the holidays with their families. Bella dropped Quil and Jake off at their terminal on the 23rd, promising to pick them up in three days.

The next day, Bella had breakfast with her _boyfriend._ She liked practicing that word in her head. _Boyfriend. Boyfriend. Boyfriend. My boyfriend, Edward Cullen. _It never got old. They ate at the diner around the corner from Bella's, and then spent the morning hanging out in the park nearby.

At the airport terminal, Bella got out of her truck to hug Edward good-bye. "I wish you weren't spending the holiday alone, love." Edward cupped Bella's cheek, his expression pained.

"I will be _fine_," she insisted. What did he think was going to happen? He was worse than Jake. "I will see you in two days. Say hi to your brother for me." Edward nodded dismally, placing a tender kiss on her forehead.

"I will call you."

While Edward met up with Emmett and Rosalie and flew to Seattle, Bella spent Christmas Eve cleaning the loft. When she was done with everything but Jake's nasty corner of the room, she pulled out a package of sugar cookie mix and baked up some cookies. When that was done, Bella found herself lonely in the silent loft. Even the street was quiet below her. She wondered if there was even another person on the block right now – after all, she wasn't exactly in a residential neighborhood. In any case, silence wasn't good for Bella – it made her mind wander. She needed noise. Bored, she turned on the TV and found _Miracle on 34__th__ Street_.

Halfway through the movie, she got a text from Jake: _**Charlie with us Sue's. Everybody misses u. I'm so full! Miss me?**_

Bella texted him back: _**Hell no. Tell everyone I say hi. PS I made cookies & u can't have any.**_

An hour later, Edward called.

"I swear Bella, I am never flying with her again – not unless Emmett sedates her." Bella laughed at the aggravation in Edward's voice. Only Rosalie could get under his skin like that.

"My mother also scolded me six ways from Tuesday for not bringing you with me," he said a little softer. Bella could hear the smile in his voice, and it made her grin.

"Really?"

"I am not invited back next year unless you come, too." He did his best to sound heartbroken over it.

They talked for a half hour – Bella curled up in the green chair, Edward reclined in his father's leather office chair. Edward did most of the talking. Bella was content to hear about his mother's Italian-themed gourmet dinner and over-the-top holiday decorations, his father's projects at the hospital, and Rosalie's abuse of airport personnel. When Esme started calling his name, Edward said he had to go and promised to call again the next day.

After she hung up with Edward, Bella did her evening rounds – she checked that all the doors and windows were locked, put her phone on the charger and set it on the coffee table, and set the pepper spray canister right next to the phone. She bagged the cookies, pulled out the futon, made up her bed, and climbed in with the remote control. Then she took half of a Xanax and flipped channels until she found another Christmas movie – some version of _Scrooge_ she hadn't seen.

She was surprised at how much she missed Edward. With their conflicting schedules, they were lucky to spend time together three days a week. Not seeing Edward for two days was nothing new. But this felt different. Her chest ached and her mood was lousy. She curled up on her side, remote in hand, and lay there feeling miserable until she drifted off to sleep.

x – x – x – x – x

Edward told Bella he'd been in his father's study talking to her, but left out the part where he was in there looking through his medical books, researching anxiety and panic attacks. When he got off the phone, Edward read through the sections he'd found on the topic. Apparently panic attacks were merely a symptom of something else; Edward had surmised as much. Panic disorder, phobias, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder… the possible causes were endless. He had no idea which of these things Bella was experiencing, however, and he slammed the book shut in frustration.

He wished she would just _tell him_ what was going on with her – let him in. With a sigh, he rejoined his brother and parents downstairs. He found Emmett following Esme into the sitting room, an old dusty box in his arms. "What's all this, mother?"

"I found it in the garage last week while looking for decorations," she said brightly. Her eyes glistened, and she had a wide grin on her face. Edward wondered how many glasses of wine she'd had this evening.

"What is it?"

"Come see," she said, and patted the sofa cushion next to her. Esme had already tried to corner Edward twice since dinner, hoping to grill him about his relationship with Bella, so he smiled sweetly at this mother and crossed the room, sitting instead in the chair next to his brother. Carlisle and Rosalie followed them into the room and sat on the adjacent sofa.

On the coffee table between Emmett and their mother was an old box that was used to ship reams of printing paper, white with a green lid. There were rough blue marker scribbles and childish penmanship reading "Cullen" on the lid, under the fuzzy layer of dust. Esme lifted the lid and set it on the floor under the coffee table. She pulled out a stack of papers; it was Emmett and Edward's childhood art and schoolwork.

Esme flipped through the stack, passing around select pieces, reading aloud choice essays written by Edward in the second grade, and Emmett in the fifth. They snickered over fourth grade attempts at drawing fighter jets and seventh grade Andy Warhol-styled art projects. "This is a good one," Esme announced, handing a drawing to Emmett to pass around. One look at it, and Emmett's laughter came to a halt.

"What's the matter dear?" Esme stared at her youngest son, concerned. Actually, everyone was staring at him. Instead of answering, he shook his head in disbelief, a smirk playing at his lips. He flipped over the drawing and read the back.

"Edward Mason Cullen. 9th Grade."

Edward raised an eyebrow in question. Emmett's smirk turned into a full grin as he flipped the drawing back over and held it up for his brother to see.

"Dude."

It was a perfect likeness of Bella.

Emmett dug through the box and found several other drawings just like it – all were dead ringers for Bella. Esme and Carlisle glanced at each other, confused. Rosalie rolled her eyes. Emmett's snickers got louder every time he found another 'Bella' drawing. Edward was just shaking his head, stunned.

They spread the drawings, sketches and paintings on the floor beside the coffee table. "That's kind of freaky, bro," Emmett said.

"Shut up, Emmett."

It snowed in Seattle that night, and Edward lay sleepless in his childhood bedroom – in the bed many of those drawings had been done. It was a middle school art project that had started it. Students were instructed to draw a person – one they did not know and had never seen. The object had been to take away their ability to simply copy an image they'd seen, and instead come up with something original. It had taken Edward hours to create her – dozens of failed attempts lay scattered on his floor, balled up in frustrated wads. But once the vision came, he drew her quickly. And drew her again. For four years he drew his nameless girl, every time the same – a heart-shaped face, big brown eyes, full lips, and long, dark, wavy hair. In his junior year of high school he stopped drawing, and his nameless girl faded away from his subconscious.

Now she had a name. And he had no idea what to make of that.

The next morning, after brunch was eaten and gifts were opened, Edward and Emmett went outside to shovel the sidewalks.

"So how does it feel, realizing you've had a thing for your woman since, like, puberty?" Emmett joked.

Edward remained quiet, absorbed in his thoughts. He'd never really known why she popped into his head, and had eventually forgotten about her. Hadn't he?

Emmett stopped shoveling and stared at his younger sibling. "Oh, man. You've really got it bad, brother."

Edward gave him a resigned sigh and nodded.

"So, what – you, like, _love_ her?"

Edward smiled at his brother, his answer a surprise to them both: "Yeah, Em. I think I do."

* * *

**Bit'o'trivia for ye: the late night radio show they listened to in the car during the In-n-Out date was Love Line on KROQ, and for my readers in the rest of the world, the Edward's "double meat, animal style, extra toast, with fries well-done and a Neapolitan shake" was a Double-Double (double cheeseburger) with no cheese, smothered in special sauce (1000 Island) and grilled onions on a VERY toasted bun, with over-cooked French fries and a shake containing all three flavors in one cup: strawberry, vanilla, and chocolate. Yum.**

**I received a great question, asking why Edward hadn't researched Bella on the internet. I know that'd be my first thought, too! Two things to remember though: he doesn't know what city she lived in, just the state, and he doesn't think it was bad enough that there'd be anything to research. Also, sadly, most abusive relationships IRL aren't documented by police records. **

**Thanks for staying with me, guys! We are over half-way now! Reviews are better than Edward falling in love.**


	13. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.**

**Warning: heavy chapter ahead. But stay with me guys, please. I'm asking for some trust…**

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"It's the hottest club in town, and Rose can get us _all_ in. This is a golden opportunity, brother." Emmett leaned against the kitchen counter as Edward reached into the fridge for the carton of juice.

Rosalie made things happen, Edward had to give her that. In her business, she mingled with the entire spectrum of the entertainment industry, from executives to actors and musicians, to the businesses that wanted to attract them. Rosalie had a reputation for being the most ruthless and discreet bodyguard in Hollywood. She also trained and then subcontracted out smoking hot, and lethal, female bodyguards all over the country. Most of her girls came to her right out of the military. Her guards came with unique benefits you couldn't get with the standard 350 pound 6' tall male bodyguard – they were dangerous and looked good in paparazzi photos. The badass celebrities loved the novelty of an equally badass hot chick in their posse, keeping everyone in line. Rap stars, in particular, loved hiring her girls. As a result, she was granted nearly unrestricted access to the best clubs, restaurants, and deals in Hollywood. Everybody wanted to be Rosalie's friend these days.

"Thanks, but I really don't think Bella would be up for a loud, crazy night club." He watched with amusement as Emmett's face went blank. Emmett lived for the nightlife – he simply couldn't understand anyone _not_ wanting to grind on drunk strangers to blaring Top 40 hits.

"It's just not her thing," Edward tried to explain. "We're going to stay in, hang out, and watch the ball drop on TV."

Understanding flashed across Emmett's face. "Oh, cool man. 'Bout time you got some. How long have you been seeing her – like eight months right?"

"You make it sound like the objective of a relationship is to get laid," Edward said, not trying to hide his irritation. Emmett stared at him, his expression dead serious.

"Fucking Neanderthal," Edward mumbled to himself. Edward had no intention of 'getting some', as his brother so tastelessly put it. While he would love nothing more than to wrap his mouth around one of those perky little breasts and feel her naked skin against his… he sighed, halting that futile train of thought. It had been _way_ too long, he thought, looking down at the semi he was now sporting under his jeans. But Bella was still leading, and she showed no interest in having a sexual relationship. Still.

He wondered, frustrated, if she ever would.

x – x – x – x – x

Bella pulled up in front of Edward's house at 8pm with a pizza. She'd been to his house just once before, and had waited in the car while he ran in to pick something up. She had never actually been inside. She wasn't sure what to expect, and she was nervous. The Cullens came from money. Like, big money – the kind of money she wouldn't even know what to do with. He drove a Volvo, his brother, a BMW. They lived in Bel Air, for crying out loud! What if the house was full of vintage Persian rugs and 300 year-old antiques? Or modern, designer $2,000 wing chairs and $5,000 coffee tables?

_Well, either way, you can't sit outside all night_, she chided herself. She took a deep breath, jumped out of her truck and walked up the pebbled driveway.

Edward answered the door barefoot, a white v-neck tee showing off his strong shoulders, his blue jeans dangerously low-slung. Bella thought he looked like an underwear model. _My underwear model._ She smiled, forgetting, for the moment, her nervousness.

Edward took the pizza from her and pulled her in for a half-hug, kissing the top of her head. "Come in," he said, and she followed him past a bare occasional table in the entryway and the kitchen doorway on the left, into the living room. She took a good look around. Whatever she expected, it definitely wasn't this. The condo was cream colored – walls, carpet, leather sofas. The tables in the kitchen and living room were a plain mission-style design in a dark wood. The first floor looked more like a vacation rental than anything else – pleasant but neutral. Impersonal. The only wall décor was a 60" flat screen TV mounted over the fireplace, and the only thing on the coffee table was a universal remote. Bella made a skeptical face and pointed at the TV. "I don't know, you think we'll be able to see the ball drop on that teeny tiny thing?"

Edward chuckled. "What can I say? Emmett _really_ likes his football games." He placed the pizza on the coffee table and went to get a couple cans of soda. "I still wish you'd have let me pick you up," he called from the kitchen. "There will be drunk drivers all over the place tonight."

Bella slid her shoes off and tucked them under the coffee table, sitting Indian-style on the sofa. She tried to look around Edward as he opened the fridge – all she could see was orange juice, beer, and bottled water. She didn't see any food at all. "I'm a big girl, I can drive all by myself, thank you. Besides, have you _seen_ my truck? I'll kill them before they'll kill me." She thanked him as he handed her a can of root beer and sat down beside her.

Edward put on an Adam Sandler DVD, which they mostly ignored, instead talking about their week and eating pizza straight out of the box. When the movie was over they turned on the TV, flipping through New Year's specials until they found one they wanted to watch. "Ryan Seacrest is everywhere," Bella complained.

"Yeah, only in Los Angeles can someone with no appreciable talent become that incredibly successful," he chuckled.

Edward stretched out, his left leg across the sofa, his right on the floor, and he motioned for Bella to come to him. She set her soda down and scooted into his lap, her knees bent at her side, and she rested her cheek on his chest. The rhythm of his heartbeat under the thin layer of t-shirt was soothing to her. Edward took little time getting his fingers in her hair – something he'd been looking forward to since she'd walked in the door. He lifted a section to his nose and inhaled deeply. _Strawberry. Delicious._ He slid his hand lightly over her hair, enjoying the silky feel of her locks. "I love it when you wear your hair down," he murmured.

"I know." Bella smiled. Edward threaded his fingers into her hair, gently massaging her scalp before combing his fingers through to the ends. Then he started again at the top. "You have no idea how good that feels," Bella said quietly, melting into Edward's lap.

They watched the clock strike twelve in Chicago, and Edward traced small circles on Bella's scalp. Bella hummed in appreciation. His fingers migrated to the nape of her pale, delicate neck, repeating the motion. There, he felt a row of bumps, just a few inches behind her ear. "What's this?" he asked, running his fingers over the scar. It felt to be about an inch long.

An innocent enough question, but it summoned a memory that blinded her with pain so intense it took her a moment to realize that it was, indeed, just a memory. Bella sucked in a ragged breath and held it, frozen in Edward's lap.

Edward watched in alarm as Bella stiffened in his arms, her face twisted up in distress. "What? What did I do?"

She blew out a heavy breath as the flash of pain receded, her eyes falling closed. Her head spun, but the darkness behind her eyelids was much different this time. It was voluntary, for one. She could open her eyes if she wanted to. That night, she had been drowning in darkness, unable to move, speak, or see. Even her hearing had failed her then; James' words were thick and garbled, as if she were listening to him from underwater. She fought the darkness, but it pulled her under, the fire in her skull being the only thing that remained.

Bella opened her eyes warily, half-expecting to see James looming over her. There was only Edward, sitting beside her, concern all over his face. Bella stiffly pushed up off him, disentangling herself from his legs. Her skull throbbed, the headache crashing down upon her like waves in a storm. She forced the best smile she could manage, rubbing the scar unconsciously. Her eyes left his momentarily as she delivered her lie. "Nothing. It's nothing. Just a scar."

Edward sighed. "I really hate that smile."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"That's the smile you give when you're putting your walls up. It's your 'shutting down' smile." Edward thought about his father's study, trying to fit this clue into what he'd read about the panic attacks. "Something happened right now, and you're not going to tell me what."

Of course, she wasn't going to admit it. She didn't even know how to explain what had just happened. What was she supposed to say – that she'd briefly hallucinated? Gone back in time? She's just experiencing a phantom head injury, reminiscent of the worst night of her life?

Edward didn't say anything else, resting his hand on the back of the couch and directing his attention to the TV. The most recent American Idol winner was performing live at the Kodak Center, and it was almost midnight, according to the clock in the corner of the screen. They watched the countdown to midnight in silence, not touching.

Edward was frustrated with Bella for shutting him out and hurt that she didn't trust him, and Bella read as much on his face as she turned on the sofa to face him. She gazed pensively at his features. His expression was decidedly neutral, but his eyes were dull and flat, and his jaw was tense. Glancing at the rest of him, she saw that he was frozen in his seemingly casual position – his shoulders were tight, his hand gripping the sofa cushion roughly. His toes were curled. She regretted making him feel bad, but knew that frustrating him for one evening was a far better option than a trip down memory lane – both in the long term and the short term. There were just some things in this world you couldn't un-know; things you could never get out of your head once they got inside. Nasty things that took root, burrowing into your brain, tainting every memory, every feeling, and every thought you ever had after that moment.

She should know.

Bella wanted to tell Edward that she wasn't trying to shut him out – she was protecting him. She wanted to tell him how much she cared about him, and that she missed him terribly when he flew home for Christmas. She wanted to tell him she thought there was nothing sexier in the world than him running his fingers through his wild copper hair. But she couldn't say any of those things.

Instead, as crowds of people on the West coast cheered on the big flat screen, screaming Happy New Year, she got up on her knees on the sofa, leaned over, and planted a big fat kiss on him.

It took Edward a second to respond to the kiss. He'd felt Bella's eyes on him, but stubbornly refused to meet her gaze, and then WHAM! Her lips were on his. Frankly, it was kind of hard to stay angry when your beautiful girlfriend was half in your lap, kissing you like she just got out of prison. Her warm lips made quick work melting his cold shoulder, and he returned the kiss fervently. He tangled one hand through her hair and placed the other on the small of her back, pulling her closer.

Bella pressed her weight against Edward and she traced her tongue along his lower lip. A small groan escaped Edward's mouth, and his tongue darted out to meet hers. When he wrapped his arm around her back completely, pulling her even closer to his body and deepening the kiss, Bella lost her balance and fell onto him. She made no move to get up, instead memorizing the way his tongue felt against hers, and gently tugging on that unruly hair she loved so much. Edward grunted at the sensation and let his hands roam up and down Bella's lean, smooth body.

Both were breathing pretty heavily when cell phones started going off – hers and his. With a regretful sigh, Edward planted one long, soft kiss on Bella's lips. She took the hint and leaned back on her heels.

Her cheeks flushed and her eyes bright, Bella grinned at Edward. He smiled back at her, glad the tension was gone, and _very_ glad for that excellent New Year's kiss. His phone went off again, and then hers, so she stood up and pulled it from her pocket. That gave Edward a chance to adjust the erection that little make-out session had earned him. He ran his fingers through his hair a few times, allowing his breathing to return to normal, before grabbing his phone off the kitchen counter.

New Year's greetings from their friends – that's what the texts were. They returned the sentiments quickly. Then Bella laced her fingers in Edward's and cuddled up with him on the sofa for the televised 'after-party'. Soon they were in the position they'd started in; Edward was sprawled out on the couch and Bella was laying in his lap, her cheek on his chest.

Edward woke up to sunlight pouring through the living room window. The TV was still on, and a new pair of hosts, dressed in black trench coats and leather gloves, were announcing the sponsors for this year's Rose Parade. He kissed Bella's head and whispered in her ear. "Good morning, beautiful."

Bella stirred, blinking at the bright light from the window. She sat up slowly, rubbing her eyes, and reached for her phone on the coffee table; it was 7:15am. "Yikes. I guess you got your wish about me not driving home last night."

"I guess I did. Is that okay? I mean, did you have someplace to be today?" Edward frowned. He had hoped to spend the day with Bella, but hadn't thought to ask if she had plans. Perhaps Alice or Jake were taking her for the rest of the day.

Bella smiled at him sleepily. "There's no place I'd rather be."

Edward grinned, relieved. "Good. How does breakfast sound? A buddy told me about an awesome cafe in Manhattan Beach, and I've been wanting to check it out."

Bella stiffened for a moment, out of habit. But one look in his hopeful eyes, and even she could see that this was simply a sweet, beautiful man who wanted some breakfast. And who apparently didn't have any food in his house, judging by her peek into his fridge last night. Anyway, she was definitely in no hurry to escape his company. "Can we go to the beach after?"

Edward tenderly tucked a few strands of hair behind Bella's ear and kissed her temple. "We can drop off your truck and pick up your camera on the way."

x – x – x – x – x

Bella parked her truck in front of her stairs, next to Jake's Rabbit, and ran up to the loft while Edward waited in his car.

"Why aren't you at Leah's?" Bella asked as she walked in the door. Jake was in the kitchen, making a peanut butter sandwich.

"She's going skiing with girlfriends today and tomorrow. They left early this morning. Where are you just getting home from?" Jake wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"I fell asleep at Edward's," she answered, running into the bathroom to change clothes. She brushed her teeth and hair quickly, rolled on some deodorant, and splashed cold water on her face.

"_Just_ fell asleep?" Jake teased.

Bella exited the bathroom, shooting him an annoyed look and tossing her clothes into her hamper. She dropped into the chair, sliding her shoes back on.

"Where are you headed off to? Don't you want to watch the parade with me?"

"I'm going to breakfast with Edward." She slid on her hoodie, grabbed her camera, and headed for the door.

Jake smirked at her. "Guess I'll see you tomorrow," he chuckled. "Have fun!" Bella bit her lip and grinned at Jake, and closed the door behind her.

x – x – x – x – x

Three weeks later, Bella and Edward were cuddled up on his sofa again, watching some all-star comedy Bella had rented. Emmett was gone, having taken Rosalie out for a night of drinking and dancing. A big bowl of popcorn sat on the coffee table beside a medium cheese pizza from the local delivery place. Edward's beer was on the coffee table in front of him, Bella's was in her lap.

The three classes Bella were enrolled in this term were grueling. Between her hours at the bookstore and finding time to spend with Edward, she was struggling to keep up with the studying. Most nights she fell asleep in the chair, a textbook in her lap and a pen in her hand. Most mornings she went through a pot of coffee on her own, needing more and more caffeine to stay alert at work and school. In fact, this was the first real date they'd had since New Year's. The beer was a very welcome relaxant, and she sipped it gratefully. She was on her second, and feeling deliciously warm and fuzzy. The movie was hysterical, the pizza was gooey, and Edward's hands on her skin felt divine. It was a perfect evening.

It occurred to Edward that he didn't really see many movies anymore. Sure, they went to the movies when something good came out, and they rented movies often. But he never watched them. It was so much more fun to watch Bella. She got completely engrossed in a film; she cried at all the sad parts, she laughed at all the jokes. And she rarely noticed Edward staring at her, memorizing her every feature.

In truth, it was the only time he could. Most of the time his attention made her uncomfortable relatively quickly. Edward imagined that more often than not, Bella would rather fade right into the background and disappear completely. So when she wanted to see a movie, Edward never said no. It gave him the opportunity to fall even more in love with her.

Bella giggled at something on the screen; Edward had no idea what. She turned to see why he wasn't laughing, only to find him staring at her adoringly. She grinned at his expression and leaned in, giving him a soft kiss on the lips before returning her attention to the movie.

Edward finished his beer, taking his and Bella's empties to the kitchen. "Do you want another one, love?"

"Sure," Bella answered distractedly. Edward watched her from the kitchen doorway. She'd moved when Edward got up, sitting cross-legged on the sofa. She was munching on a handful of popcorn and laughing at the big screen. _Simply beautiful._

He returned to the sofa, placing the beers on the coffee table. He turned slightly, facing Bella, and tucked a few loose hairs behind her ear. She smiled and glanced at him briefly before returning her attention to the movie, and he had the incredible urge to kiss her. "Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?" he whispered in her ear, his lips on her earlobe.

Edward's warm breath tickled her, causing vibrations that made her want to moan out loud. He kissed her, just below her ear, testing her reaction. When she tilted her head away, giving him better access, he trailed kisses down her neck, nuzzling his nose against her. "And you smell delicious. Like strawberries and flowers." His lips returned to her ear, and this time he nibbled softly on it.

_Oh my god, do that again,_ Bella thought. But all she managed to get out was a breathy "Edward." Edward hooked a finger under her chin and drew her face to him, kissing her along her jaw until he reached her lips. Bella grinned, returning the kiss happily. Edward snaked his hands through her hair and she turned further into him, wrapping her arms around his neck.

The kisses were slow and sweet – at first. But both had a bit of a buzz going on, and it felt too good. Things heated up when Edward kissed the edge of Bella's mouth and continued kissing along her jaw down to her neck, nibbling and sucking gently along her throat. Bella's breath quickened and she wove her fingers through Edward's hair, pressing him against her. When his tongue licked a path to her collarbone and started with that maddening suction again, Bella let out a moan that shot Edward's arousal through the roof. His dick stood right up, straining against his zipper and begging to come out and play.

"That was, by far, the sexiest sound I have ever heard," he whispered, his breath hot on Bella's skin. He proceeded to attack her neck, sucking, licking, grazing his teeth along her delicate skin. Bella tightened her grip on Edward and gasped, heat spreading through her lower belly like she'd never felt before.

"Edward," she whispered, unable to articulate a complete thought. She yanked on his hair harshly and Edward groaned, his eyes rolling back in his head. He abruptly sat upright, his palms flat against Bella's back as he kissed her passionately. Edward leaned forward, pushing Bella slowly back until she was against the arm of the sofa with him over her, and his lips rejoined hers.

Bella's body felt amazing writhing under Edward. The sound of her heavy panting made him grow even harder. Slowly they migrated down the sofa until Bella was almost completely on her back, their legs tangled together, Edward's torso hovering above hers. Edward buried his face in Bella's neck, doing things with his tongue that made her eyes roll back in her head, and rocked his hips into hers, seeking relief in the form of friction.

And just like that, everything changed. One moment Bella's skin was tingling, her belly on fire – the next, James had his hand around her throat, his hot drunken breath in her ear, and his erection pressed against her lower back. She blinked hard, confused and frightened. When she opened her eyes, Edward was back. Her chest tightened; she couldn't breath. She needed him off her – immediately. Untangling her arms from his, she pushed against his chest.

Edward felt Bella's palms pressing softly against him, and it occurred to him maybe he was too heavy. He leaned back, reaching for her hands. He pulled her up and then lay back on the couch with Bella on top. That way he wouldn't put any weight on her. _And even better,_ he thought with a wicked grin, _those lovely breasts will be right at eye level._

Edward let her up, but didn't let go of her hands, and Bella became anxious. Finding herself frustratingly mute, she tried to stand and pull away. She needed a moment to collect herself. She needed to catch her breath. But Edward got up with her, still holding on. In fact, he tried to wrap her arms around his back. Her breaths quickened, in panic this time. _Why won't he let go?_

At first Edward was confused when Bella got up, but her heavy breathing and her movement toward the stairs helped him figure it out quickly enough, and his dick jumped in celebration. _Finally! _He'd started to think it was never going to happen, but here she was, sexy as hell, flushed and panting, and leading him to his room. He was the luckiest man alive right now. He pulled Bella against him. "I love you so much," he murmured, kissing her neck, just below her ear. "I can't believe you are mine." Holding her around the waist, he stumbled blindly toward the stairs, which was right between the kitchen and the living room. Absently, he patted himself on the back for making his bed and cleaning the bathroom that morning, and he prayed to God he still had condoms in his nightstand drawer.

_What are you doing? _she cried. _Let me go!_ She screamed the words, but no sound came out. Edward murmured something huskily near her ear, but all she heard was the word "mine" as he pulled her toward the stairs – and his bedroom. Terror seeped into every pore, every cell of her body. What had been panic swirling around her rapidly grew into full-on hysteria. _Not again, not again…_ She yanked her hands away from Edward as hard she could, twisting her wrist in the process. She stumbled backward at the sudden momentum, but managed to reach into her pocket. In less than two seconds she had the pepper spray out and the safety off, pointing it at Edward.

Edward froze in the entryway, bewildered. Bella pulled away from him so suddenly, and so hard... Now she was trembling before him, her eyes glistening. And pointing a can of pepper spray at him. "Bella? What the hell?"

Bella backed away, her vision blurry with tears she refused to let fall. Edward took a cautious step toward her, his hands up, the terrified look on her face undoubtedly reflected in his. "Bella, what's going on? What's wrong?"

"God, stay away from me," she whimpered, her voice barely above a whisper. She could no longer see Edward standing before her. Through the tears, all she could see was blonde hair and blue eyes. Her head throbbed, her wrist ached, and she was shaking so badly she could barely aim the can. But she was still standing. _Still standing, James, and I'm not going to let you get me again._

She blinked, and the tears rained down her cheeks, clearing her vision. She immediately regretted doing it – James stood before her, arms up, pretending to surrender. Toying with her. His hair was long again, like it had been sophomore year, and he had it tied back. His head cocked to the side he sneered at her, daring her to spray him. The look on his face was clear; he didn't think she had the guts. Bella gripped the pepper spray harder, her finger resting on the trigger.

Edward stood there, shocked, confused… and then finally it clicked. Bella was afraid – of _him._ The realization was a slap to the face. He attempted to evaluate the situation, wondering exactly when this evening went to hell. But the most important thing, he realized, was placating Bella. Devastated, he took two steps back, away from the front door and the staircase. "Okay, love," he said, as calmly as he could manage. "I'm backing up. Just calm down, okay? You're scaring me."

"I'm scaring you? _I'm_ scaring _you_?" she answered hysterically. "That's funny, James."

Edward stared back, stunned. "What did you just call me?"

Bella wasn't listening anymore. She couldn't stand to hear another sound out of James' mouth. What she wanted was for her head to stop pounding. She wanted to get out of this house. She quickly eyed the front door, checking to see if was locked.

Edward took a worried step toward her, pleading. "Bella, please. Talk to me."

Edward's movement caught Bella's eye and she pointed the can right at his face. "No!" she screamed at him, taking another step back. It was a scream that had been buried inside her for a year and a half, its release accompanied by the most heart-wrenching sob Edward had ever heard. Bella stumbled backwards, one blind step at a time. She tripped on the narrow table in the entryway, but grabbed onto it and steadied herself. Though was utterly desperate to get out of there, she didn't dare turn her back on James. She'd made that mistake too many times already.

Without really understanding what he was seeing, Edward was certain it was the most excruciating thing he'd ever witnessed. With a sinking feeling, he realized this was likely his fault. His chest constricted until he felt it would implode, and he clutched it, heartbroken. That's when Bella made a run for the door.

x – x – x – x – x

Jake and Leah spent more time at her apartment than at his. She had the flat-screen TV and no roommate – it was simply more fun at her place. That's why there were there tonight. They'd started out the evening with dinner at a little hole-in-the-wall Peruvian restaurant off of Sunset Boulevard, and gone back to Leah's house for _dessert_.

They were both shirtless on the bed, Jake lying between Leah's spread legs, grinding against her as they kissed and groped like high school kids, when Jake's phone went off.

He ignored the call, letting it go to voicemail, and trailed kisses down Leah's torso, each kiss bringing him closer to the zipper on her dark blue, tight-in-all-the-right-places, soon-to-be-in-a-pile-on-the-floor jeans. When he reached his destination, he popped the button and yanked her zipper down swiftly, sliding her jeans and panties off.

Leah writhed on the bed as Jake's tongue drew circles around her clit, and his phone went off again. He hesitated when he heard it, but quickly got back to the task at hand. He slid two fingers inside her, pumping in and out while his tongue licked and sucked her bundle of nerves. And then he heard the phone ring again.

He glared at the phone lying on the floor by his wallet and t-shirt. It went to voicemail after 4 rings, but the caller still didn't leave a message. Instead, they called right back. And again, a few seconds later. And then again. It was annoying; it was distracting. Every time the phone rang, Jake removed his mouth from Leah and glanced at the phone.

They had been making out all evening. Jake had had at least a partial hard-on for close to two hours, and all he wanted was to be buried inside of Leah. But that goddamn phone wouldn't stop ringing! Who the fuck kept calling him? The phone started ringing again, and it finally occurred to Jake that it might be something important. Maybe something had happened to his father. He sat up, gazing apologetically at Leah.

"You have got to fucking be kidding me." She was so close to orgasm, literally teetering on the brink – and he just stopped! Laying on the bed, propped up on her elbows, her legs still spread, she glared at him. Jake shot her another apologetic look. Whether it turned out to be important or not, he couldn't stand that phone ringing anymore. It was better to answer it and get it over with.

"What!" he barked angrily into the phone, his eyes focused on the glistening spot where his tongue had just left and wanted to return to as quickly as possible. Preferably before Leah kicked his ass, which was becoming increasingly likely, judging by the look on her face.

No one answered. He listened closely; all he could hear was crying. Sobbing, really. A girl sobbing into the phone. He removed the phone from his ear and looked at the screen – it was Bella calling. His chest tightened.

"Bella? What's wrong? What happened?"

She answered him then, but she was mumbling, gasping for breath, and sobbing violently – Jake couldn't understand a word. He had never heard her this upset, and panic welled up inside of him. He turned away from Leah, rubbing one hand over his face while he tried to piece together what little he could make out. Finally he cut her off. "Bells, I can't understand you. You need to calm down for me, okay? Take a breath."

As she was told, she took three deep, jagged breaths. It helped only marginally. "Jake," she choked out between sobs. "Will you please come get me?"

"Yeah. Of course. Tell me where you are." Jake stood quickly, reaching for his shoes. Bella gave him cross-streets he quickly realized were about a mile from Edward's place. He'd checked out the area months ago, when they started dating, and panic was replaced with rage as Jake's imagination kicked in.

He calculated the distance mentally. He was 25 minutes away if the freeways were clear. "I'll be there in 15 minutes," he said, and hung up.

He turned to Leah. "I gotta go." He grabbed his shirt and slipped it over his head.

"The hell you do," Leah snapped indignantly. There was no way he was leaving her hanging just to give his roommate a ride home. He had a job to finish, and the look she shot him let him know exactly that.

"Baby, I gotta _go_," he repeated. His words were soft but non-negotiable.

She sighed angrily. "Why?"

"Look, something happened. Bella needs me. I don't know anything else, but I will call you when I know what's going on, okay? I have to go, though." He kissed her forehead tenderly, his eyes full of regret.

Leah sighed again, this time resigned. This was bullshit, but she was smart enough to see that this was not the time to argue about it. He was leaving no matter what she said. She sat up on the bed and pulled on a tank top. Jake hurriedly kissed her once more, on the lips, and left without saying good-bye.

When the door clicked shut behind him, she licked her lips. She could taste herself on his kiss, and it turned her on, which pissed her off. She ached for what she'd been so close to before the damn phone started ringing. She lay back down on her bed; it looked like she was going to have to finish herself.

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**You had to know things couldn't stay balanced on the edge of a blade like it was… something had to give. Please don't kill me (Leah already wants to). Love to hear what everybody's thinking right now… you can do that by reviewing, right down there, under the story.**

**On the lighter side of the news, that awesome place in Manhattan Beach they spent New Years morning at, for my So Cal readers, is the North End Caffe. It's real, and it's delish. Guy Fieri featured it on DDD not long ago, and for good reason. The guy is an artist with food. Surious. If you're in the area, EAT. **


	14. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. Blah blah blah…**

**I also wanted to throw out a little disclaimer about my depiction of Xanax in this story. Some of you are familiar with it, and some are not. For those who are not, please know that I'm describing **_**abuse**_** of Xanax – both in its long-term prescription and in its use. It's not necessarily bad – just too easy to abuse. If you're using it and it works for you, cool.**

**Truly, I am so grateful for the interest in this story. You guys rock! It makes me happy that so many people are reading it. Thanks be to my betas, and an extra thanks to everyone who has reviewed this story. I appreciate the feedback, and all of the comments/questions. **

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Bella's phone went straight to voicemail again. Edward hung up, texting her this time: _**You don't have to talk to me. But will you at least let me know you are alright? Please. I'm worried about you.**_

He paced around the kitchen, agitated. The occasional table in the entryway, now pulled away from the wall, caught his eye. Bella had tripped on it, he remembered with no small amount of guilt. The guilt, of course, made him angry, which made him indignant, which made him feel guilty about being indignant when he should be worried about Bella. It was a vicious cycle he had been repeating for the past ten hours.

He cocked his fist, ready to punch the nearest wall, when it occurred to him he'd have to explain the resulting hole to Emmett, and later, his parents. It was, after all, their house. Instead he ran upstairs to his room, snatching his gym bag. He slammed the door behind him as he got in his car and drove away.

Two hours of sparring and kickboxing wore Edward out, but didn't help his state of mind. When he got home, he tossed his gym bag on the floor in the living room, laced up his running shoes, and took off again.

It was a cold January morning, but clear. Edward ran his normal route twice, but couldn't shake the image of a terrified Bella. It made him sick to his stomach to think about, but he kept going back to it, trying to figure out what happened. They'd been great all evening. Hell, they'd been great for weeks! He wasn't even the one who escalated things last night. He had been perfectly happy with the way things were.

Okay, that was a lie. But he was okay with it. Sort of.

Edward passed his street, heading up to Mulholland. There was something he was missing here. _A fucking recurring theme, isn't it? _he thought bitterly. Was it something he did? He didn't know. If she had wanted to slow down, or changed her mind, or whatever the case was, all she had to do was say something. But she didn't. She just snapped. And terrified the hell out of him.

A car honked as it sped by, and Edward realized he'd veered off the shoulder and into the lane. His head was such a mess he couldn't think straight. He stepped over to the shoulder and stopped, staring absently down the road, sweat pouring down his face and neck. He was angry, with either Bella or himself, he wasn't sure. Maybe both. More importantly, though, he was worried about her. She didn't look well when she took off, and since she wouldn't answer his calls, he didn't even know if she'd made it home okay. He should have gone after her, or called Alice. He considered driving over to check on her, but he doubted he'd be welcome at her doorstep right now. Maybe he should call Alice, have her check on her. With a resigned sigh, Edward turned around and headed home.

When Edward returned home again the condo was blessedly empty, and he jogged up the stairs, relieved. He was in no mood for Emmett right now. He peeled off his sweaty clothes and showered, willing the scalding water to ease his tension.

It didn't work, and the water eventually ran cold. Edward got out, annoyed, and got dressed, deciding to enlist help from Alice. He'd feel a little better when he at least knew that Bella was okay. He made his way to the kitchen where he'd left his phone, where he found one missed text message. From Bella.

Edward's heart skipped, and he held his breath, opening the message: _**This is Jake. Where r u**_

Disappointed, confused, Edward replied: _**Just got home. Have you seen Bella? Is she alright?**_

The response came quick: _**Stay where u r**_

And stay Edward did. Right there at the island in the kitchen, staring at the countertop, wondering what kind of shit storm was coming his way. He only had to wait twenty minutes to find out. Then he heard Jake pull up in his driveway, yank his emergency brake, and slam the car door. It took him just four seconds to reach the front door, which he met with five very loud and forceful pounds of his fist. _He must have jogged to the door_, Edward thought idly.

His legs felt like gelatin after that run, and his brain seemed to be telling his feet not to move. But Edward finally opened the door. Jake stormed inside, rage in his eyes, and was in Edward's face faster than he could blink.

"Didn't I tell you to be careful with her? I warned you, Edward. I fucking warned you!" Jake was wearing a tight black t-shirt; his muscles were tense beneath it. Clearly Jake was ready for a fight.

_Oh, this weekend just keeps getting better._ Edward sighed. "Come in." He gestured to the living room and hesitated for just a second before turning his back on Jake and moving toward the sofa.

Jake followed him in, debating whether to pound this guy in his own house. He perched on the edge of an adjacent chair, his patience hanging by a thread. Edward seemed to be waiting for him to speak, and he was in no mood for pleasantries. He came right out with it. "What the fuck did you do?"

Edward laughed humorlessly and tugged on his damp hair. "I have no freaking idea, man. One minute everything was fine, the next it had all gone to hell." The image of Bella's trembling form, angry yet terrified, crossed Edward's mind again, and made him grimace. He spoke again, in a quieter voice. "Is she alright?"

Jake leaned toward Edward, still fuming. "No, she's not alright. Last night she was inconsolable, and then she popped her happy pills and has been a damn zombie ever since. She's curled up in bed staring into outer fucking space. She won't say a word." Jake clenched his fists, remembering the way Bella had looked when he showed up. She'd been sitting on the curb of a dark residential street, her knees tucked up tight to her body, her arms wrapped around them, just rocking back and forth. She didn't even acknowledge Jake when he pulled up, and he'd had to help her walk to the car. Her eyes were red and swollen, and she kept sucking in these frightening jagged breaths – it reminded him of his little three-year-old cousin after a tantrum. At some point she'd calmed down, or so Jake thought. Turned out she'd just fallen asleep.

He'd carried her up the stairs in his arms and laid her on his bed, taking off her shoes and covering her with a blanket. Then he'd texted Leah, pulled out the futon, and laid awake most of the night wondering what the hell was going on. He still had no fucking idea. She woke up this morning, moved just enough to pull some pills out of her pocket, and popped them in her mouth before rolling back over with the blanket over her head.

That's why he'd come _here_. He wanted answers.

Jake exhaled sharply all of a sudden and rubbed his hand over his face. He sat back in the chair and stared at Edward for a long moment. Edward's eyes reflected the pain he himself was feeling, and for the first time it occurred to him that maybe the whole situation wasn't what he'd originally assumed. He looked Edward in the eye, his tone deep and serious, but calmer. "I need to know what happened."

"Uh, we checked out a museum, then came back here to hang out. Movie, pizza…" Edward shrugged. "We were making out and…" Edward stopped himself. "This is weird, talking to you about this, man."

Jake's eyes narrowed and his voice was laced with hostility. "I could give a shit right now. _What. Happened?_"

Edward shook his head. Fuck it. If hearing about their date made Jake feel better, fine. "It started leading toward the bedroom, alright? One second everything was great, everybody was happy. The next thing I knew, she was crying. Then she was pointing pepper spray in my face. Then she screamed at me and ran out the door."

Jake saw red. He stood abruptly, ready to lunge across the coffee table.

"Whoa, man. Whoa! It was _not_ like that," Edward insisted, arms raised in peace. Jake towered above him, seething. "I would never hurt her. I _love_ her. If I had thought for a second she wasn't having a good time… I mean, I did stop! I backed away, I tried to talk to her. But she ran out of here so fast." Edward pulled his hair in frustration. None of this made any sense, even to him. He looked up at Jake, pained. "How did she get home?"

"She called me." Jake closed his eyes and sighed, remembering the way Bella sounded on the phone, incoherent and sobbing. He slumped down in the chair.

"Everybody seems to know more about Bella than I do. I have a feeling there's something I'm missing in all this. Level with me, Jake. Is she sick? Crazy? What?"

That was the wrong thing to say.

"FUCK YOU! You shut your fucking mouth." He pointed angrily at Edward. "You have _no_ idea what that girl has been through the last few years."

Jake rested his face in his hands. "Shit, maybe she _is_ crazy, trying to be in a relationship after all that," he mumbled to himself.

"After all what?" Edward asked cautiously.

Jake shook his head without looking at Edward, and his voice cracked when he answered. "Not my story to tell."

_He can be defensive, but can't say why? How the hell does that work?_ "Well maybe if somebody had bothered to tell me what the hell was going on, last night wouldn't have gone down like it did," Edward snapped angrily.

Jake nodded. Edward was right, he realized. Bella clearly left him in the dark, and he had no idea what he'd gotten himself into. "Listen. Bella was in a bad relationship – much worse than anybody realized. There's still a lot I don't know; she won't talk to me about it. But I guess the guy did a lot of damage, a little at a time. And then the last time he went after her, he almost killed her. If her father hadn't come home from work early and found her…" Jake trailed off, unable to complete the sentence.

Edward had an idea her ex was no good after the conversation on Bella's birthday, but this…it was too horrible. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. Then he got frustrated. "Wait – what the hell does this have to do with last night?" Jake just stared back at him.

Edward recalled something odd. Something he'd almost forgotten about. She had called him _James_ last night. After a long pause, Edward spoke again. "James is the ex?"

Jake nodded.

"Is that what the pepper spray is about?"

Jake nodded again. "She carries it everywhere. At night it sits on the coffee table or under her pillow."

"And the pills?"

"She started having panic attacks and nightmares when she got out of the hospital."

Edward let that information sink in. Then he thought of something. "But her dad is a cop!"

Jake stared at the floor guiltily. "Nobody had any idea, man. Not till we were gathered around the ICU."

"Jesus," Edward whispered.

An uncomfortable silence settled heavily over the room. "I still want to kick your ass," Jake said softly, only half-joking.

"Maybe I deserve it." Edward sighed. "God I had no idea…"

"I believe you." Jake stood up, pulling Edward out of his head, and he stood as well.

"I better go." Edward nodded, and followed Jake to the door.

"Hey Jake, how did you know where I live?"

Jake flashed back to a conversation he'd once had with Bella. Guilt-ridden over not seeing the signs of what was going on with James, he had made a promise to her that he'd never let another man hurt her. "I got the address from Bella months ago. In case I ever needed to find you and kick your ass." He smiled ruefully, then turned and left.

When he returned, Bella was curled up on his bed, staring at the brick wall. He tried to get her to eat, speak, shower… but she laid there, her eyes vacant, saying nothing. Eventually Jake called Quil and let him know he wasn't coming in on Monday.

x – x – x – x – x

Monday evening, Bella's phone rang. Jake looked at the caller ID – it was Alice. "You want to talk to her?" he asked Bella. She was curled up on the futon now, staring at the television, and didn't respond. The call went to voicemail.

Jake sighed. "You know, unless you intend to get up off your ass and go to work tomorrow, you need to talk to Alice."

Bella's eyes drifted to Jake, who was in the chair beside her. She couldn't go to work tomorrow. She couldn't even look at herself. She had to get a hold of Alice. She stared at the phone on the coffee table for several minutes before finally reaching for it.

Jake smiled with relief and went to the kitchen to make himself a sandwich. Reaching out to Alice was good. Maybe Bella would talk to her – 'cause she sure as hell wasn't talking to him. She hadn't said a single word since Saturday night. She'd had two screaming nightmares, both of which scared him half to death, but she wouldn't speak to him. He turned away from Bella but stood so that he'd be able to hear what she said to Alice. He was more than a little surprised when he heard a bunch of clicking instead.

Bella sent off a text to Alice: _**I'm really sick. Can you clear my schedule for this week?**_

Five minutes later, her cell phone chirped. Alice had responded: _**Of course. Feel better! TTYS.**_

x – x – x – x – x

Tuesday morning, Jake found himself torn. Bella hadn't moved from the futon since she migrated there Sunday afternoon. She hadn't showered. She hadn't eaten. He'd missed work Monday to keep an eye on her, and was due downstairs to work in ten minutes. Frankly, she was freaking him out, and he didn't know what to do.

Bella stared at him numbly. "I don't need a babysitter," she mumbled. He was staring at her like she was about to fall off a cliff, and if her limbs had been more cooperative, she might have smacked the look off his face. She sat up, grimacing at her stiff muscles and the way her head swam at the change of elevation, and snatched the remote control from the coffee table. She pointedly turned on the television and dropped the remote, pretending to watch it.

So focused on staring straight ahead, she didn't see the anguish in Jake's eyes as he turned to glance at her one more time before going downstairs to work.

When she was sure he wouldn't return, she turned off the television and lay back down. Her eyelids grew heavy and slid shut. That was bad, as James was waiting for her there. He'd been there ever since Saturday night – every time she closed her eyes, and sometimes even when her eyes were open. It was worse than when she got home from the hospital. Now, she was lying on the floor of her old bedroom, semi-conscious. She couldn't move, and she couldn't get her eyes to open, but she could hear him. She could hear his belt, his heavy breathing. She was moving; something was pulling on her feet.

Bella choked on a sob as she forced her eyes open. She looked around warily; James was not there. Her stomach gurgled, but she couldn't be bothered with food. She couldn't even be bothered with water to wash down the Xanax, reaching for another pill and placing it directly under her tongue.

Then she pulled the blanket over her head and cried.

x – x – x – x – x

"I should be there. I should come down there." Charlie paced behind his desk at the police station, white-knuckling the phone receiver.

"I already talked to her boyfriend. I already called her boss," Jake argued. "What are you going to do – sit there staring at her, worrying? I'm already doing enough of that for the two of us. Just tell me what to do."

"Hell if I know." Charlie sighed. "After…that night…she spent a solid week in bed staring into space. She was taking those anxiety pills, you know, and they kind of turned her into a…"

"Zombie?" Jake guessed. "Yeah, I know." Charlie made a strangled sound on the other end of the phone.

"How long did it last? What should I expect?"

Charlie laughed humorlessly. "She got out of bed after a week, and drove to the therapist like she promised. And she did the laundry, she read, she went to see you… but she was just a ghost. The closest to normal I ever saw her after that was the night before you guys drove out to California."

Jake rubbed his hand over his face and sighed. Then he looked at the clock on the wall of Quil's office. "I have to get back to work. I'll talk to you later."

x – x – x – x – x

On Friday, Alice texted Bella: _**Doing the schedule for next week. You haven't returned my calls – are you still sick? You need more time off?**_

Bella stared at the phone's screen for a long while. _Yeah_, she thought bitterly_, I'm sick. I need time off._ Eventually, she texted exactly that, smart enough to recognize she was not fit for public interaction. Furthermore, she was exhausted. She slept long hours but did not rest; the dreams were back and now even the Xanax couldn't keep them away.

The pills were but a leaky dam. They soothed her frazzled nerves and blurred the edges of the flashbacks, but they couldn't seal them off. That terrified her.

Jake came home with a bag of groceries and a paper cup, and dropped them on the coffee table. He found Bella curled up in a fetal position on the futon – just as she'd been the previous five days. She flinched when he shook her awake and made her sit up. He shoved the cup in her face and held it there until she took it from him. "It's a chocolate milk shake. Drink it."

"Not hungry," Bella protested groggily. Her mind was thick, her body slow and heavy.

Jake stared down at her, his jaw tight, and his eyes narrowed. "_Drink it._ And when you're done with that, I've got Power Bars, and I'm not afraid to shove one down your throat."

Jake showered quickly and changed into jeans and a t-shirt. He made three sandwiches – two for him, and one for Bella. He made his way across the room, placing the sandwich in front of her face before setting it on the coffee table before her. Bella had barely touched her shake, and Jake sighed, dissatisfied.

It was getting dark in the loft, and Jake turned on a small lamp near the futon. "Will you please talk to me?"

Bella stared at the sandwich until it became blurry. She was vaguely aware that she was still holding the shake; it was freezing cold.

"I talked to Edward," Jake said softly.

Bella's eyes snapped to Jake's, wide as saucers. Jake had her full attention for the first time since he'd gotten home.

She'd had all week to play back what little she remembered of Saturday night. Mostly she just saw James. But an image of Edward's frightened expression, his hands raised in surrender, was forever burned in her mind. He'd called or texted at least three times a day since Saturday night; she had not responded once. She was too humiliated. Besides, just thinking about Saturday night brought _everything_ rushing back to her. She'd spent a year and a half trying to move forward, but now she was right back where she started – broken and afraid.

"He didn't have much to say. But from what little I got, I don't think _this_," he said, waving his hand at her on the futon, "has anything to do with Edward. Does it?"

He said it as a statement, not a question. Bella lowered her eyes, embarrassed. He was right. It had never been about Edward, really. It had always been about James. It would _always_ be about James.

_You're my little ghost,_ he used to say to Bella. _Aren't you? My little ghost, living but not alive. Except when you're with me._

That had been the usual way James began when he was set on getting Bella do to something she didn't want to do. To "push her boundaries". To "live life to the fullest". She was not alive unless she was with him, doing what he said.

So why did the idea of being with him again make her want to die?

"So what's going on?" Jake continued. "Where are you?"

Bella blinked at the sound of Jake's voice, having forgotten he was there. _Where am I? I'm in Forks,_ she thought sadly. _Where I'll always be. Running from _him_. Hurting everyone that crosses my path. Fucking Hotel California, Jake. I never left._

Bella's face twisted out of its blank state into something ugly and agonized. She raised her fist to the scar on her head and pushed against it. Jake grimaced. "What are you thinking?"

Bella shook her head. She could not tell him she uprooted his life for nothing, that she was still as fucked up as they day they left. That she'd finally realized that no matter how much time passed or how far she ran, she would always see _his_ face when she closed her eyes, and that she might as well have stayed put and let him come back for her and finish the job, because, like he always said, she wasn't alive anyway. Jake would hate her. _He should hate me!_ she reminded herself harshly. But she needed him too much to tell him the truth. He was all she had. So selfishly, she said nothing.

A heavy silence filled the room. Bella felt it pushing her down, and she succumbed, curling back up into a ball on the futon. Jake watched her retreat into herself, a rerun of a bad movie he'd seen way too many times. He had no idea how to fix this. The therapy clearly wasn't working. The pills just turned her into the walking dead. He'd thought the move would be the solution; get her away from the whispers and the memories, give her a fresh start in a sunny new place. But apparently not.

He had deluded himself, he realized. She went to school, she got a job, and she even got herself a boyfriend. So he assumed everything was fine. But she'd been hurting the whole time, hadn't she? While he was working six days a week and spending the night at Leah's, she was still falling apart. And no one even noticed – not even her own damn family.

"What can I do?" Jake said quietly. It was clearly a plea. Bella covered her face with her hands, hiding her tears. He still didn't understand – there was nothing he could do. Nothing anyone could do. She was just fucked up. Damaged. Ruined. There's no fixing that.

x – x – x – x – x

Almost a week later, there was a knock at the door. A few moments later, there was another knock. And then another. Whoever was on the other side was not going away. Bella grudgingly sat up and rubbed her eyes, and slowly shuffled to the door.

"Hey, girlie! I – oh my god." Alice was wrapped in a charcoal cashmere shawl, holding a bag from the Chinese take-out place. Her eyes roamed over Bella, taking in everything from her bare feet to her dirty, ratty hair. Her clothes were rumpled, her skin was too pale, and her eyes were sunken in and framed by dark circles. "You look like hell."

"Thanks."

Alice stepped past Bella, folding herself into the green chair and pulling out boxes of food. She opened them nonchalantly and spread them out on the coffee table. When Bella sat down, Alice handed her a pair of chopsticks.

"I got the same stuff as last time. You seemed to like everything we got then," Alice said plainly. She picked up a box of lo mein and started eating.

"What are you doing here, Alice?" Bella's voice sounded raspy and weak, even to her ears, and she grimaced. Alice pretended not to notice.

"I had nothing to do tonight, and wanted to hang out with my friend," she answered with a shrug.

"Jasper has gigs on Thursday nights. Why aren't you with him?"

Alice shrugged again. Bella looked at the clock on the DVD player. It was 7:45pm. Jake should have been home already.

_Oh._

Bella shook her head. "I don't need a babysitter, Alice. You can leave."

Alice looked offended. "I'm not a babysitter, Bella. I've been trying to reach you for a week and a half and you're not returning my calls. I miss you and I'm worried about you. And I brought food, so let it go and let's try to have fun."

Bella chuckled humorlessly. "Fun," she mouthed sarcastically. Alice shot her an irritated look.

Alice closed her eyes and took a deep breath, then continued in a softer tone. "So about your text yesterday, about taking the term off – did you really mean that?"

Bella nodded slowly. "Already called the registrar. It's a done deal. Can you cover my shifts?"

Alice nodded. "Why did you withdraw?"

_Because I'm afraid to humiliate myself with another public flashback. Because I can't bear the possibility of facing Edward again. _Bella lowered her head. "I really don't want to talk about it, Alice."

Alice stared at Bella, debating whether or not to share her conversation with Edward. "Edward has been in," she finally said, watching for Bella's reaction. "He asks about you."

Bella flinched at the sound of his name and bit her lower lip harshly. She was tempted to ask what he said, but was afraid she already knew the answer. She was crazy and he was glad to be rid of her. He deserved better. It was all true, but she wasn't ready to hear it.

"He said you're not returning his calls either," Alice continued. "You want to talk about that?"

"There's nothing to say," Bella whispered.

Alice sighed. "Bella, what are you doing? You lay around all day, you ignore your phone, your pajamas are like your uniform… man you are in the Bell Jar."**

Bella offered a small nod in response.

Alice put the box of lo mein down and stared at the side of Bella's face. "You're really not going to talk to me?" she asked indignantly.

"You should be with Jasper," Bella said softly.

x – x – x – x – x

Emmett opened two beers, handing one to Edward. "Sounds to me like you need to cut your losses, man."

Edward set the bottle down on the counter and ran his fingers through his hair. "It's not that easy!"

Emmett shook his head. "So what, you love her. What happened the other night is not normal, bro! This is not how sane people act. And anyway, she's not taking your calls. So either she's either smart enough to be embarrassed, or too stupid to know what she had with you. Either way…"

Edward knocked over a barstool angrily, and Emmett stopped mid-sentence. Rosalie, who had been listening to their conversation from the top of the stairs, hurried down to the kitchen but froze in the entryway. Edward was seething at his brother, his fists clenched. Emmett was looking at the barstool, surprised. Neither man acknowledged her.

Emmett's tone softened, but he stayed on point. Edward needed to face reality, and who better to provide it than his big brother? He'd thank him someday. "She's damaged, bro. A broken wing. What are you going to do, save her from herself? Spend your life walking on eggshells, hoping you don't set her off again? Keep her in a pretty little jar on the mantel, next to your black belt and your medical degree? There's no award for dating crazy, Edward. Just be glad you found this shit out before you married her, or worse, knocked her up."

Edward heard a gasp behind him, and turned to find Rosalie gaping at Emmett. She'd been listening for the past twenty minutes, had heard Edward describe the last night he saw Bella, and his conversation with her roommate the next day. It was heartbreaking, and she couldn't believe the words coming out of Emmett's mouth. She jumped out of the way as Edward stormed out, her eyes following his rapidly retreating form. The wall vibrated as he slammed the front door behind him. Emmett strolled toward her, wearing a tired smile.

"Hey, babe. Sorry you had to see that. We can leave whenever you're ready."

Rosalie took great satisfaction in slapping that smile right off his face before storming out of the house herself.

x – x – x – x – x

Two weeks later, Rosalie found Edward sitting on the sofa with his feet propped up on the coffee table, watching a documentary. She stopped in the entryway and cleared her throat. Edward glanced at her briefly, then back again when he realized she was actually trying to get his attention.

"Something I can do for you, Rosalie?"

"Emmett and I are going to a new club tonight." Rosalie waved her hand flippantly as she continued. "Some celebrity chef trying to be trendy. We'll have a VIP booth upstairs, so you can get away from the crowd if it gets crazy down on the floor. Anyway, I can invite as many people as I like. I thought you might want to come."

Edward glared at her. "Why would you think that?"

Rosalie shrugged. "Just trying to be nice." She turned to go back upstairs, and then stopped. "And um, if you give me the names of your friends, I can have them added to the guest list, too. Let me know."

Edward stared dumbly at the spot Rosalie had been standing. _That was weird._ Realizing he hadn't really seen any of the documentary, he turned if off, leaned his head back, and closed his eyes. He didn't want to go dancing. He wanted Bella. _But Bella doesn't want you,_ came the annoying voice in his head. He'd been having this argument with himself daily since she ran out of here. Four weeks, and she hadn't so much as texted him. It was over, obviously. And he was tired of being miserable. He looked at the stairs, contemplating, then picked up his iPhone and sent off a text to Alice: _**Want to go to a new club tonight?**_

Four hours later, Edward, Emmett and Rosalie were sitting in a VIP booth doing shots of Patrón. "Ugh, no, I need a beer or something," Edward protested when the cocktail waitress brought another round. He was already feeling drunk and he hadn't even left the booth yet.

"No, no, no, you have to drink an even number. One more is six, _then_ you can start drinking beer," Emmett laughed. Rosalie was so wasted she actually giggled, which made Edward laugh in surprise, which made Emmett laugh harder. All the tension had melted from Edward's shoulders for the first time in months, and he briefly caught himself having a good time. He was intrigued to learn that when they were both drunk, Rosalie was highly tolerable.

"Alright, one more shot," Edward yelled over the noise. They took their shots together. "That stuff isn't half-bad," Edward said to himself. "Fuck it, order me another! I think I see Alice and Jasper. I'll be back."

Edward scooted out of the booth and took two steps before wobbling. Shit, he was drunker than he'd thought. _Oh, well_. He spotted a short girl in a red swing dress that looked like Alice and made his way downstairs. He got within twenty feet of her when he stumbled into none other than Irina and Tanya Denali.

"Edward!" Tanya shrieked. Irina leaned on her sister's arm, giggling.

_Damn. _"Hey, Tanya, hi Irina," he answered, looking over their heads. The red dress was gone. He made a face and turned back to them.

"We keep running into each other," Tanya grinned, rubbing Edward's shoulder with one hand.

"Seems like," Edward agreed, staring at her hand. He fought the urge to remove it forcibly. What part of _no_ was so hard for her to understand? He glanced up at the balcony, looking for an escape. "Why don't you guys come upstairs and say hi to Emmett? He'd love to see you again," Edward offered, leading them to the VIP booth. He knew Emmett would be pissed, but there was no way to shake them. He laughed to himself, thinking about the old reel-to-reel videos they showed in elementary school. What had they always said? _Safety in numbers_. He didn't want to be caught alone with one of them.

"Golddigger alert," Rosalie whispered in Emmett's ear. He looked where she pointed, and saw Edward being followed by the hottest annoyances on the planet. Emmett ordered another round of shots when the girls arrived and pulled his brother in for a hug. "You rat bastard! Why did you bring them up here?"

"Now, now, what would Mom say," Edward slurred, grinning. "Besides, why should I have to suffer alone?"

"Pay back is a bitch, little brother," Emmett murmured into his ear. Then he slapped Edward on the back jovially and raised his shot glass to toast.

An hour and several drinks later, Tanya was pulling on Edward's arm. "You look like you could use a dance," she insisted.

Edward laughed and shook his head. "I'm too drunk to dance."

"I'll help you stand," she whispered in his ear. Her warm breath tickled his skin in the nicest possible way, and without checking in with his brain, Edward's dick sprang to attention. It, and it alone, made the decision to let her lead him down the stairs.

Edward had never noticed what a good dancer Tanya was, and was shocked, for at least the second time that evening, to realize he was having fun. She was also much quieter dancing in a loud nightclub than she was any other time he'd ever had the displeasure of seeing her. _Bonus._ How long had it been since he'd been out dancing, anyway? He couldn't remember.

The night flew by quickly. Edward and Tanya never returned to the booth, leaving the dance floor only to replenish fluids. The DJ kept the beat fast and hard, and Edward was sweating tequila out of every pore. Around 1:30am, the pair found two open seats at the bar and took a break. "I think I've had enough," Tanya slurred. She hiccupped and leaned on Edward innocently, but her hand rested entirely too far up his thigh. Startled, he looked at her. She was completely bombed, her eyes closed. Most of her make-up was long gone, which Edward found was so much more attractive. _Huh._

She felt his gaze and opened her eyes. "What?" she chuckled, amused at his expression.

"You're sort of beautiful," he slurred, barely loud enough for her to hear.

Tanya grinned at Edward. "How many drinks have you had?" Edward smiled stupidly and shrugged. Tanya giggled, then paused as if thinking of something. Edward was about to order a beer when she grabbed his hand and stood. She leaned in close, her lips brushing his jaw. "Come on, sexy," she whispered in his ear. "Let's get out of here."

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**For anyone who didn't get the Hotel California reference, google the lyrics.**

******** The Bell Jar is a heart-breakingly beautiful novel by Sylvia Plath, and being 'in the bell jar' is a description of the protagonist's depression. She felt as if she were trapped under a bell jar – stifled, suffocating, with a warped view of the world outside. That sentence is also a bastardized quote from the movie "Reality Bites", just because I love that movie and it made me smile. So there you go – your useless information for the day.**


	15. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.**

**I need your trust, folks. Chapter 12 was ugly. Chapter 13 was ugly. This one's no beauty queen, either. But I already know how this story ends, and I'm telling you, YOU DEFINITELY WANT TO STICK AROUND. I know who you love, and I know what you came for. **_**Please, please, please**_**… trust me. Just one more chapter, okay?  
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**P.S. Alice & Edward's convo below should help you understand where Edward is coming from. I'll see you at the bottom for more after the chapter.**

**P.S.S. Today's chapter is brought to you by the letter X and the song "Fast As You Can" by Fiona Apple. And by Advil, because I just realized there's a lot of headaches in this chapter.**

**Thanks be to my betas Ms CVG and Louise Clark **_**(who, BTW, has just posted Chapter 3 of her Emmett-based fan fic, **_**Second Chance**** _on Twilighted_**_**… might wanna check it out), **_**and I want you to know that I appreciate every single review I've received, even the ones that are not happy with me right now. =)**

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Emmett was sitting at the island in the kitchen eating breakfast when Edward walked Tanya to the door.

"You sure you don't want me to drive you wherever you need to go?" Edward whispered.

Tanya shook her head. "I'm good." She offered him a small smile before kissing him awkwardly on the cheek. "I um… I'll talk to you later." Edward watched Tanya get in the cab waiting on the street, then closed the front door softly and slumped to the stool beside his brother, who was gaping at him.

"What. Did. You. Do?" Emmett's incredulous voice reverberated around the room, causing Edward's head to throb.

"Shhh," Edward whispered, cradling his skull gingerly. He groaned at the throbbing, feeling it throughout his entire face. It took him a few moments to recall that his brother had asked him a question. "I'm not really sure."

"Brother. The best way to get over one woman is getting under another, but why did it have to be the _Cling-on_?"

"I need coffee," Edward moaned, dropping his head in his hands.

Emmett grumbled. "Alright. I'll be back in ten. And then you and I are going to talk."

Emmett returned ten minutes later with two paper coffee cups and a bag of muffins. He pulled a bottled water from the fridge, opened it, and set it in front of Edward along with three ibuprofens. Then he divvied up the food and caffeine and parked himself in the stool across from his brother.

Edward swallowed the pain relievers gratefully, but flinched as Emmett dragged the stool across the floor. His skull felt as though a herd of buffalo were stampeding across his face.

Emmett quietly ate his muffins, drank his coffee, and stared at his brother. After fifteen minutes, he cleared his throat. Edward looked up slowly.

"Feeling better?"

"A little."

Emmett nodded. "That's good. So tell me, did you or did you not screw the Cling-on in our house last night?"

Edward squeezed his eyes shut as if he could block out the question. When that didn't work, he did the next best thing – he stalled.

"Technically, this is Mom and Dad's house."

Emmett stared at him, disbelieving. "You fucked the Cling-on in Mom and Dad's house?"

Edward's voice was low and wary. "I think so."

Emmett shook his head. "Dude, are you insane? Seriously, bro. She is _never_ going to go away now. She probably implanted a microchip under your skin while you slept so she can track your every move and tweet about it."

Edward slowly flipped over his wrists to check for marks.

Emmett stared at his brother deliberately. He looked thin. He had bags under his eyes. He was always home lately, which he'd never been before. Something was very wrong. "What's going on with you, Edward?"

Edward's smile was bitter. "Well to start, I don't know whether I traumatized the only girl I have ever loved or I have a crazy ex-girlfriend who broke up with me by pepper spray."

"So, what – you fucked Tanya to compare crazy?"

"Fuck off, Emmett."

Emmett raised his hands defensively. "Okay, sorry. But I still don't understand why…"

Edward fisted his hair angrily. "I don't know what you want me to say. I drank myself stupid. I danced with a hot girl who stroked my ego and made me feel normal for a couple hours. I had meaningless sex I can hardly remember and woke up with a big fat hangover. That about covers it."

Edward sighed, feeling like a dick for snapping at his brother. It seemed like he was snapping at everybody lately. In a calmer voice, he added, "I'm pretty sure I used a condom, judging from the trashcan in the bathroom, and this morning she looked as uncomfortable as I felt. It's not a big deal. I really don't think this is going to turn into a stalking situation."

Edward's phone chirped, indicating a text message. He didn't reach for it, so Emmett picked it up. "It's Mom." He opened the text and read it out loud: _**Edward dear, why didn't you tell me you were dating Tanya? What happened to that Bella girl in your drawings?**_

Edward dropped his face onto the counter and groaned.

x – x – x – x – x

Alice watched Tanya lead a completely wasted Edward out of the club Saturday night, and didn't see Edward until Monday afternoon, when he tried to sneak into the coffee lounge. She was organizing shelves in the bookstore and watched Edward do a visual sweep of the sales floor before scurrying to the barista counter. While waiting for his coffee, he hid around the far side of the counter by the sugar packets and cinnamon shakers. Through the shelving, she watched him get his drink and hightail it through the bookstore and out the front door. He was fast, but she was faster.

"Hi Edward," came a small, sharp voice behind him. Edward grimaced and turned, throwing a glare at his coffee as if it had betrayed him.

"Hi, Alice."

"So, thanks for inviting us Saturday night. We had fun. Emmett and Rosalie are cool."

_So she did show up. That means she saw me with… Shit._

"I haven't seen you around lately," she continued.

"Yeah, it's just a little crowded," he lied, gesturing toward the lounge. "I've been studying at home."

"You doing alright?" Alice asked. Edward studied her expression to see where she was going with this line of conversation, but her face gave nothing away.

Edward sighed, running a hand through his hair. "As good as can be expected, given the circumstances." He forced a smile. "Have you talked to her?" he asked, wishing he hadn't the moment the words slipped between his lips.

Alice nodded sadly, knowing exactly whom he was talking about. "Twice. I've been checking in by text. I saw her two weeks ago, and then yesterday."

Edward swallowed hard. "How… is she?"

_Broken, _was Alice's first thought. "She's been better."

Edward gave a small nod and looked down at his coffee. "Well, I'll see you around Alice."

Alice placed a hand on Edward's arm and looked at him pleadingly. "Don't give up on her yet, Edward."

Edward laughed bitterly. "Four weeks with no contact is pretty clear. It's over."

"You don't know –" Alice stopped herself. As much as he needed to know what Bella had been through, it wasn't her place to tell him.

"I know," Edward answered softly. "Jake told me. I should have known _months ago_, but I know now. And it really doesn't matter, because she doesn't want anything to do with me." Edward swallowed harshly, his own words slicing into him. He forced a shrug. "Maybe it's for the best, you know? Since she obviously didn't think I was equipped to deal with it, or trust me enough to tell me herself."

Alice dropped her hand and stared at Edward in disbelief.

"I'll see you around," he said again, spinning on his heel and walking away.

x – x – x – x – x

Jake drove a little Mazda sedan into the bay next to Quil. "Hey Jake, is Bella's truck running okay?"

Jake shut the driver side door. "Yeah, far as I know. Why?"

"Hasn't moved in weeks. I thought maybe there was something wrong with it."

Jake stewed on that thought for the next hour, until he got off work. He walked in the door, grabbed a protein bar out of the cupboard, tossed it on the coffee table, and sat down in the green chair. This was their new routine – him forcing her to eat calorie dense snack food once a day under threat of him calling Charlie. The futon was in an upright position for once, and Bella was somewhat lucid and sitting up. Without a word or a glance in his direction, she obediently tore open the wrapper and took a bite.

"You wanna explain how you're getting to school and therapy without your truck?"

Bella looked at Jake, confused. This part of the day didn't usually involve conversation.

"It hasn't moved in weeks."

Bella's face fell as her hand dropped to her lap. _Busted._

"Damn it Bella!" Jake yelled, pounding his fist on the arm of the chair. Bella flinched and hunched her shoulders. "Are you _kidding_ me?"

Bella didn't respond. She had learned it was best to become small and silent when James had gotten like this, so she sat very still, her eyes downcast, her mouth closed. She would wait for him to calm down.

After a moment of confusion, Jake realized his mistake, cursed himself, and mumbled an apology. He took a deep breath and blew it out before speaking again. "You're going to get kicked out of school," he said, calmer.

"No, I'm not," she argued, barely above a whisper.

"You can't just not show up for a month," he snapped.

"I withdrew."

"So you're kicking yourself out of school. That's much better. And when did you quit therapy?"

Bella visibly braced herself, her eyes clenched shut. He repeated the question slowly, his tone accusatory. "When did you quit?"

She knew Jake thought she'd been going all this time. He'd never come out and asked though, so she had never corrected him. He would have found out eventually, but she'd hoped it would be so long after they moved that he'd see how well she was doing, and it wouldn't matter. This, of course, was not the best time for him to learn this information, and Bella realized there were only two ways this conversation could end – bad or really bad.

"Fifteen months ago," she mumbled. She was pretty sure Jake would never hit her, but she curled in on herself anyway, just in case. She kept her head down and listened for his reaction.

"What?" Jake deadpanned. There was no way he heard her right. It couldn't be.

"I quit when we moved."

It took him a minute to process her words. Then he jumped out of the chair. "You _lied_ to me?"

Bella shook her head slowly. "I never said I was going to therapy."

Jake was dumbfounded. He stared at his roommate, his best friend, his sibling of the past decade… and had never felt farther from her. _Of all the stupid, stubborn, self-destructive… _Jake shook his head furiously, his fists clenched. He needed out. He needed air. He needed away from Bella. Otherwise, he was sure he'd do something he would regret. Without a word, he stomped out the front door and slammed it behind him.

x – x – x – x – x

Driving mindlessly down La Cienega, Jake contemplated how unbelievably out of control this entire situation had gotten. He needed to talk to his father. He was pretty sure he knew what Billy would say, though – that Charlie needed to be filled in on everything since Edward entered the picture. Jake punched the steering wheel in frustration. How did things get so fucked?

When he reached the 405, he knew where he wanted to be and headed North. Twenty minutes later he was knocking on Leah's door.

"Jake," she said, surprised. "I wasn't expecting you."

"Sorry I didn't call. I needed some fresh air, and instantly thought of you." Jake gave her a small smile, trying to read her face. "But if this is a bad time…"

"No, no." Leah waved her hand dismissively and stepped aside so Jake could enter. "This is great, actually. I'm done with my homework, and I don't have class until 10am tomorrow. I'll get my shoes, we can go out."

Jake sat down on her red sofa and let out a heavy breath. "Actually, if it's all the same to you, I'd rather stay here. It's been a bad day." Jake rubbed his head and leaned back on the sofa, patting the cushion next to him.

Leah made an annoyed sound. "Jake, we have been out once in the last month. _Once_. And even then, you bailed on me after a text from Alice. And now you show up here tonight, but you don't want to do anything?"

"I know, baby. But –"

"No. This is ridiculous. It's been five weeks since she split up with Edward. Either Bella is fine, or Bella is so far from fine that she needs professional help. In either case, she is not your problem, and I want my boyfriend back already."

Jake stood abruptly. Leah was out of line, but he was too angry with Bella to defend her right now. Basically, both the women in his life were pissing him off and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. _Awesome._

"You know what, I shouldn't have come. I'm just gonna go." And he did – right out the front door, with Leah glaring at the back of his head.

x – x – x – x – x

The next day, Bella's phone rang. She glanced at the caller ID, immediately wishing she hadn't. "Hi, Dad."

"Hey sweetheart. How are you doing?"

"Fine," she lied.

"Are you?" Charlie was using his cop-voice. He already knew the answer to his question. Therefore, she felt no need to respond.

"Bells, I talked to Jake."

"Super." She rolled her eyes at the phone.

Charlie paused, choosing his words carefully. "I can understand taking a term off. Withdrawing was the responsible way to do it, really. But Bella, you have been through more than anybody ever should go through. You just can't get over things like this by yourself. You need help."

Bella started to interrupt. "_Anybody_ would," he backtracked. "I wish it was enough to be strong, and to have people who care about you. But it's not. Only a professional can help you work through it and heal."

"Okay dad," Bella said curtly. "Thanks for calling. I'll talk to you later."

"Don't you dare hang up that phone." His tone was clear; that was an order from an officer. And it was exactly what Bella had intended to do. _Damn it._ She sighed heavily.

"What's this all about? What's going on with you?"

Bella answered with silence.

"You know we will keep you safe, don't you? I'll be notified when he's released. I'll be keeping tabs on his whereabouts. You don't have to worry about anything." Oh, so Charlie was a mind reader now. That's nice. Then she didn't have to tell him there was no point in confessing your darkest secrets to the tune of $90 per hour when you were going to die anyway.

Then she realized what he was saying. "So _you're_ worried he's going to come after me." It was a statement, not a question. Bella had never told anyone what James had said to her, so why was Charlie assuming she'd be in danger?

Charlie backpedaled. "People say stupid things they don't mean in the heat of the moment. I've seen it many times at the station. You shouldn't worry."

_And there it is._ James said something at the station, too. Maybe when he was arrested. So Charlie knows he's coming for her. She set that bit of information aside for processing later.

Charlie scratched the back of his head; this conversation was going nowhere fast. He decided to change the subject. "Want to tell me what happened with your boyfriend?"

"Nope."

Jake had told Charlie everything he knew, but it didn't make much sense. It seemed like the kid triggered a panic attack, but Christ – for this long? Bella seemed to be the only one who knew the whole story. Charlie was sure, though, it all came back to James. He cleared his throat. "I've made a lot of mistakes, Bella. I wasn't the best father to you. I gave you a little can to spray at an attacker, but I never taught you to protect and defend yourself. You'll never know how sorry I am for that." He paused, listening to make sure Bella was still on the line. He heard her inhale sharply. "But you don't have to feel the way you do. I think it would help if you took a self-defense class. Learned some basic moves that will help you…feel safer. Let me find you a good school in the area, okay?"

Her cell phone pressed to her ear, Bella kept her breaths steady, not wanting Charlie to hear her cry. Self-defense? Was he serious? Thursday nights in a dingy meeting hall, just before the bi-weekly Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, learning to scream "No!" at a guy wearing a protective cup and a giant head? Even if Bella's natural clumsiness didn't rule out that idea, she was pretty sure she never wanted to be attacked again, not even for pretend. More importantly, _it wasn't going to save her._

Bella lifted the phone away from her face long enough to wipe her tears and release a slow breath. "Really Dad, I'm fine. Stop worrying. Jake is… overprotective. Don't believe everything he says." She hoped she sounded upbeat enough for him to drop the subject.

"Bella – "

"Can we talk later? I need to make dinner."

"Promise me you will call that referral therapist and make an appointment."

"Sure, sure."

x – x – x – x – x

Jake had come home a few hours after leaving Thursday night, but they hadn't spoken since. He hadn't even forced her to eat the protein bar when he got home on Friday. The tension in the loft was palpable, and Bella retreated into her fuzzy, frazzled mind. She didn't tell him Charlie had called; she was sure he already knew and that the two had compared notes. _How much of a burden was Bella when she went crazy last time? Oh, she was awful. How is she this time? Even worse!_

The tiny coherent voice hiding in a dark corner of her mind was angry with Jake. It was angry with all of the people in her life. Jake's warden-like tactics, wanting her to act 'normal', live as though none of it had ever happened. Compartmentalize her soul so that it didn't inconvenience others. Charlie with his cop-dad advice: _learn self-defense, carry a weapon, get an alarm system_. As if her 5'3", 110-pound frame was going to transform into a warrior princess and fight off the violent ex-boyfriend. _Quick, get me my sword._ And Alice. Alice! If this is what all girlfriends were like, she was glad she'd never had one. Text messages and voicemails every day: _How are you today, Bella? Want to pretend everything is fine so I can come over for dinner and a movie Bella? Are you feeling better yet Bella? How about now? How about now? How about now now-now now-now-now-now?_

Bella awoke screaming about 1:15 Sunday morning. She lurched up, looking around the loft anxiously, and realized she was alone. _That's right, Jake is at Leah's._ She had heard him on the phone with her earlier. It sounded like they'd gotten into an argument – over Bella.

Bella swung her legs off the futon and tried to shake off the dream. This one had been particularly disturbing. It was her classic graduation nightmare with a twist: the role of James had been played by Edward. It wasn't the first time he'd played that role since… what? Their last date? The night they broke up? She wasn't sure what to call it really, beyond one of her top five worst days ever. But no, it was at least once a week now that her subconscious played dress-up with the devil. She hated that Edward had become twisted up with James in her fractured mind. It wasn't fair to him. She knew that what happened that night was all on her, and she wished she could explain it to Edward. Apologize. But an apology would never be enough for the way she acted. Not this time. And it was only a matter of time before she did it again anyway. It was inevitable – James possessed every inch of her body, mind, and spirit. She had been a fool to waste the past year pretending otherwise.

Even still, the image of Edward as James, those sharp fingers, that rancid smell…it was too much to process. Bella's nausea peaked and she stumbled to the bathroom to throw up.

Not bothering to get off the floor, she managed to flush the toilet and lean against the bathroom wall before allowing the tears to flow. Tears turned into sobs, and she mourned. For the mother who didn't want her, and the one she wished she'd had. For the friends she never had growing up. For the boyfriend who stole everything she had – her peace, her self-worth, her innocence. For the girlfriend she didn't deserve. For the boyfriend who tried to love a human shell.

When Bella ran out of tears she wiped her eyes on her nightshirt and stood, shakily. Leaning against the sink, she splashed cold water on her face and accidentally got a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Her eyes were puffy and red with dark purple bags underneath. Her sallow skin was dull, her lips chapped.

She closed her eyes to block her view, but behind her eyelids was Edward's head on James' body. There'd be no sleeping now.

Bella left the bathroom and curled up in the green chair with a beer. She didn't particularly care for the stuff, but she liked the fuzziness it provided her mind. She considered sending Quil a thank you note – he was the one who bought Jake a 12-pack every week. _Dear Quil, thank you for the beer that softened the edges of my nightmare. And for this loft that has become my prison. Yours Truly, Bella._

She wondered what Edward was doing tonight. Did he have a new girlfriend already? Were they out on a date, eating fancy food in a crowded place? Selfishly, the thought made her stomach turn. She missed him so much. The absence of him made her feel like a dot-to-dot drawing, only two-thirds finished. Everything necessary was there, but it was incomplete. She'd had plenty of time to reflect on their relationship, and was acutely aware of what she'd lost. She'd had something special, and it was gone.

_Because you ruined it. You never let him in, and then you ran away. This is your fault._ She reached for the bottle of Xanax.

Jake had been so good to her the past couple years. He distracted her when things were bad with James, he moved to California with her, and he'd been keeping watch over her for the past… what had it been – six weeks? Wow. Time flies when you're in a stupor. _Hah, I should go to one of those carts in the mall, get that on a bumper sticker for my truck._ But he had a girlfriend, and Leah wasn't going to put up with his absence. Nor should she. Leah was a strong girl, not like Bella, and she knew what she deserved and how to get it. Jake wouldn't be around forever. He'd eventually move in with Leah, maybe get married, have a couple kids. Bella wondered what she would do then. She couldn't go back home. A town that small, there were no secrets. No, she couldn't show her face there. Maybe Quil would let her stay in the loft. She could quit school and get a full-time job.

And wait for James.

When had Charlie said it would be? _Oh, yeah. March 2013, if he was good._ Then he was free. And she was dead.

Bella drank her beer and stared at the floor. _Maybe if I took him back – just agreed with him, surrendered what was left of me… maybe then he wouldn't… _Bella thought about that seriously for two seconds before she shook her head and pressed her fists against her temples, disgusted with herself.

_Besides, he's going to kill you anyway. Remember what he said?_

She'd floated in and out of consciousness after her head hit the nightstand that night, but after James pulled her away from it, there was a coherent period where she could hear movement – some rustling, and then a long sniff. Then something gripped her face tightly, and she heard his raspy voice. _You belong to me, and don't you forget it. You think this is bad? This is nothing. Fucking frigid bitch. You will learn to do as you're told._ Then he leaned in close and whispered in her ear. _Or I'll kill you._

With a shiver, Bella turned the bottle of pills in her hand. There were stickers all over the side of it: Do not operate heavy machinery or a motor vehicle. Do not mix with alcohol. _Whatever._

She spun the bottle over and over, her mind a dark creepy cave with no exits, her heart a shattered vase. She couldn't imagine another week of feeling the way she did, let alone the rest of her life. She tried to think back – how had things gotten so screwed up? Her body fell limp as a wail escaped her lips. It sounded as tortured as she felt, and Bella crumbled under the weight of her grief. Had she _ever_ been whole? She honestly didn't know.

She thought of Jake again. He needed to be living his own life, not babysitting her. That went for Charlie, too. She'd been destroying lives around her for nearly twenty years. What would it take to get them all to leave her be?

As her tears ran dry, she was left with just a pounding headache and a despair so consuming she could hardly breathe. She popped open the pill bottle and tipped it into her open palm, seeking oblivion. She snapped the lid back on before lifting her palm to her mouth, then chugged the rest of the beer and dropped the bottle on the floor.

x – x – x – x – x

Jake walked in the loft at 11am with a bag of donuts and a much better frame of mind. A night out with Leah had been exactly what he needed. They talked, they played, and then they went back to her place and made up properly.

And then made up again this morning.

On the drive back to Culver City, he'd decided to have a sit-down with Bella about her depression – beg her to go see a professional before she did something stupid. She was out of bed, which he was glad to see, until he realized she was just folded over asleep in the chair. He slid up the futon and sat down at the end nearest her, shaking her knee gently.

"Yo, Bells." She did not stir. Jake shifted his foot and kicked something; he glanced down at the floor, where he saw the empty beer bottle. He frowned; Bella didn't like beer. Then he saw the Xanax bottle in her lap.

"Oh Bella, tell me you didn't." He opened the bottle and counted the pills. There were 19. The bottle held 30, according to the label. But the fill date was months ago, so he had no way of knowing how many she took. He ran his hand over his face, then pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed.

"Hey Jake," Alice chirped.

"Hey, shorty. I may or may not have a situation with Bella over here, and I could use some help."

"I'll get dressed right now, and be there in under an hour."

"Thanks." Jake hung up and sat down, unsure what to do. _Of all the fucking nights to go out… _He rubbed his hands over his face again.

"What do you mean by situation?" came a thick, groggy voice to his right.

"Oh, thank God."

Bella slowly pulled herself upright, grimacing at the kink in her neck. "What do you mean by situation?" she asked again.

"Bella…" Jake began, hesitantly. He stared at the girl before him, and didn't even recognize her. "Fuck it, I'm just going to say it. I come home, you've got a half-empty bottle of pills in your hand, there's an empty beer bottle on the floor, and I can't wake you. You scared the hell out of me."

Understanding flashed across Bella's face, immediately followed by anger. "So, what – you thought stupid 'ole Bella had finally tried to off herself? Is that it?" She made a move to stand, but her head pounded, and she leaned back, pressing her palms to her forehead and closing her eyes.

Jake exhaled nervously. "I don't know what you want me to say. Yeah, okay? It crossed my mind. I'm afraid of where your head is at lately." He paused, watching her beseechingly. "You're getting worse, Bells. You need help."

Bella's eyes shot open and she glared at her best friend. "I can't believe you just said that to me." She stood slowly, her skull throbbing with every movement, and stumbled to her dresser. She grabbed a pair of jeans and a hoodie and took them into the bathroom. When she exited a few minutes later, she was dressed, her hair coiled up in a ratty bun. She held onto the dresser for balance as she slid on a pair of flats, then grabbed her keys and pepper spray off the coffee table.

Alarmed, Jake stood. "Where do you think you're going?"

Bella ignored him, making her way to the door. Her mind was still thick from the three pills she'd taken seven hours before, however, and she struggled with the deadbolt. Jake came up behind her and ripped the keys out of her hand.

"You are not getting behind the wheel like this," he said incredulously.

Bella glared up at him for a moment, then mumbled something unintelligible and stormed out the door and down the stairs. Jake watched to make sure she didn't fall before slamming the door shut. "Fuck."

x – x – x – x – x

Bella had been so angry she'd left without her purse. She had no keys, no money, and no place to go. _Well, aren't you a smart one. What are you so mad about anyway? He only said what you were thinking. _She quickly buried that thought, unwilling to let Jake be right. She wandered down the street, lost in every way imaginable.

A cold breeze sent a chill through her, and she stuffed her hands in her pockets – and felt a piece of paper. Curious, she pulled it out – it was a $5 bill. _That solves one problem._ Bella turned onto Venice Boulevard and headed for the coffee shop. She sat in the same booth she and Jake always chose and ordered a cup of coffee, glaring at the empty seat across from her. _Who the hell does he think he is, anyway?_

Meanwhile, Alice was doing 80mph down the freeway. When she got the text from Jake that Bella had taken off on foot she hit the gas a little harder, and when she finally pulled up to the loft, Jake came out to meet her.

He held her door for her and she got out, swinging her purse over her shoulder. "Tell me everything. Start at the beginning."

x – x – x – x – x

Bella wrapped her palms around the coffee mug, enjoying the warmth. The restaurant was warm, but it didn't matter. Bella's cold came from the inside. Lately she couldn't get warm no matter how many blankets she burrowed under. There was a glacier in her heart, freezing the blood that passed through before it coursed through her veins.

The waitress had a long braid down her back, and reminded Bella of her grandmother. Every time she passed Bella's booth she would either smile or wink at her. It wasn't a cheerful smile; it looked more sympathetic, like she felt sorry for the girl with the dirty hair and just a cup of coffee. Bella stared out the window until the world outside blurred and all she saw was her own reflection in the glass. Her eye sockets looked hollow and she looked like she was wearing Jake's clothes for as well as they fit. She hoped it was just the angle of the window that made her look so emaciated.

Shortly after the lunch crowd died down, while Bella was staring out the window, the nice waitress slid a slice of pie across the table. Bella looked at it, surprised, and then at the woman. She winked and put a finger to her lips before moving on to the next booth. Bella wasn't hungry; she never was anymore. But she honestly couldn't remember the last time she'd eaten, so she ate the pie. And she drank her coffee. And she kept staring out the window, although all she could see was her own ghastly reflection. And she tried to forget last night had ever happened, so that she could keep pretending Jake was wrong.

Bella had no idea how long she had sat in the coffee shop – she'd left her phone at the loft when she left. But when the senior citizens started coming in for their early bird suppers, Bella figured she'd worn out her welcome. She left the five on the table and left quietly. Still angry, she walked down Venice aimlessly instead of returning home.

_Situation_, she mumbled bitterly to herself for the thousandth time. She was so tired of being somebody else's _situation._

"I don't know what I want. But this situation isn't working anymore, Charlie!" That's what Renee had yelled one Friday night many years ago. Bella had heard the arguing and gotten out of bed to hear better, her tiny frame in purple footie pajamas curled up in a ball at the top of the stairs.

"So, I'll change shifts at work. Or you, you can quit your job at the market. Stay home – go to the park, see a movie in Port Angeles. Enjoy the summer with Bella. Think about what you want to do," Charlie had said desperately. "Whatever it is, we'll make it work."

It had gotten quiet then, and Bella had been relieved that Daddy had been able to make Mommy happy. Then a cupboard door shut and Mommy was talking in a softer voice. "I think… I think I do quit. I need a break from all of this. I'm not cut out to be a wife and mother, Charlie. This isn't working for me." Tears streamed down Bella's soft chubby cheeks as she listened to Charlie plead with her not to leave him. "I'll pack my things now and be gone before Bella wakes up."

Charlie had referred to her as a situation, too, when Bella hit puberty, and again several years later, after James had been arrested. And now Jake. She wondered if Jake knew what she and Charlie knew; was that why he assumed she'd tried to OD?

Idly, she wondered why it hadn't occurred to _her_ to do it. Perhaps she'd just fallen asleep a little too soon.

She knew it was wrong – suicide was wrong. But suddenly she couldn't remember why. It made good sense, actually. She would never be a _situation_ again – just a fading memory. It would reset the lives she had impacted. Resolve her timeframe problem. Save James a trip.

She passed the Futon Factory where she and Jake had come some fifteen months ago. The door was propped open by a stool with an old black boom box on it, a sweet, sad voice drifting from its speakers. Bella stopped on the sidewalk to listen to it.

_I'll take another Drink Me, baby  
Slowly, I'll disappear  
And wear my life like a barbed wire necklace  
So let's play truth or dare_

_And I won't be around to play your games  
There will come a day when you won't know my name  
And I'll get smaller with  
Every swallow you'll  
Wait tomorrow and things won't be the same_

_Talk about the weather  
Will you miss me ever?  
Lately I'm obsessed  
And I need the rest  
I hope that you're impressed  
Cuz I need the rest  
And my head's a mess  
I need the rest_

_I need the rest_

_I need the rest_

_Speaking of every swallow_, Bella thought to herself. She reached into her pocket for her pillbox, but it wasn't there. Which was all it took to trigger a panic attack. Bella bent over, hands on knees, and forced herself to breath. When she felt okay, she looked around for a street sign. _Okay, seven blocks from home. You can do this, Bella. _Her arms hugging her torso for support, she headed back the other way.

So focused on breathing was Bella, she didn't see Alice's car in the lot as she came up the stairs.

"She's here, Charlie. Okay, yeah. Call you later." Jake's eyes fixed on Bella, he closed his cell phone and slid it into his jeans pocket.

Something wasn't right. Standing just inside the loft, Bella looked around, trying to figure out what was off. On the floor between the fridge and the futon was a cardboard box. _Her box. _Suddenly she saw Alice leaning against the far wall. She stepped forward and dropped a stack of papers into it. _Shit._

"What's going on?"

"We've made you an appointment." Jake's tone was alarmingly serious.

"For a trim and some highlights?"

Alice held up a business card and read the name on it. "Sue Clearwater, PTSD and Trauma specialist." That was the therapist Dr. Young had referred her to when she'd told him she was moving. It was the business card that had been buried in the bottom of that box.

Bella took a step back, her hand on the doorknob. "No, thanks."

Jake crossed the room in four quick strides and removed her hand from the knob. "I also called Gateways Hospital and Mental Health Center. They have an empty bed ready for you in the inpatient wing, and are just waiting for me to call and tell them we're on our way."

"_What?"_

Alice's soft melodic voice cut through Jake's deep vocals. "We tried to let you handle this on your own, Bella. We gave you space, we gave you time. But whatever's going on with you, it's gotten worse. We're afraid you're going to hurt yourself."

Bella's ears burned with guilt. "You guys are seriously overreacting."

Jake shook his head sadly. "You have _no_ idea how bad you are right now."

Bella swallowed hard, her eyes wide. "Charlie is in on this?"

"He's the one who paged the on-call service, talked to the doctor, and scheduled the appointment. He even filled out and faxed over the insurance forms. You're her first patient, tomorrow at 8:00am," Alice chirped.

Bella shook her head. This was not happening.

"_And_, we're having a slumber party tonight."

Bella gawked at Alice, then looked to Jake for help. He was stone-faced. She began to wonder who the real nut jobs were in this room. "A _slumber party_?"

"So we can make sure you make it to the appointment tomorrow." Jake flipped the deadbolt on the door and Alice stepped toward her. She was completely boxed in.

"We can hang out all night. And then I'm driving you to your appointment in the morning."

Bella wrapped her arms around her waist. "Forget it, Alice. Both of you, just forget it."

Jake leaned against the door, his arms crossed. "It's either that or a trip to Gateway tonight."

* * *

**This is what the experts like to call **_**hitting rock bottom.**_** The good thing about rock bottom is there's nothing below it. It's all uphill from there. And because you guys have been so patient with Bella, I'm posting Chapter 15 ASAP for you. **

**Regarding Edward and Tanya, a.k.a. 'Taho' (nickname courtesy of my very anti-Tanya betas), I got quite a few upset messages/reviews about Edward cheating. I hope, after this chapter, the situation is more clear. Bella hadn't returned any of Edward's communication in a month; he took the hint.**

**Song from the Futon Factory: Anna Nalick – Drink Me**

**Reviews are better than free pie. And from me, that's really sayin' something.**


	16. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.**

**You guys are awesome. So much reaction to the story! I love it. Here's the deal with this chapter – it's kind of like Christmas Eve at Grandma's. You're definitely gonna open up some stuff that you will totally dig… but what you**_** really**_** wanted won't come until Christmas morning. Chapter 16 would be Christmas. **_(I know, because I already wrote it.) _**That's all I'm saying.**

**And I thank you guys for being patient; I know you want your favorite couple back together. But when I started writing this, I knew it was first and foremost a 'Bella' story, and her journey is the primary focus. Love is just one component of that.**

**Gratitude to my betas and all who review – not just my story, but any author's.**

**To deleepowman: I heart you, HARD. **

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Bella pulled her hood up over her head, only her sour expression visible to Sue. Not Dr. Clearwater; just Sue. Because going by just her first name made a big damned difference, didn't it?

"I spoke with your father yesterday."

"I've been hearing that a lot lately."

Sue smiled. "I appreciate you humoring him and coming in today. However, you are an adult, and no matter how much your friends or family may think you need this, being here needs to be _your_ decision." Sue paused and tried to read Bella's expression, but the girl wasn't giving anything away. She suppressed a sigh. "What I'd like to do today is clarify some of the information I've received, ask a few questions, answer any you may have, and then I'll tell you what I think. After that, it's up to you whether or not you think seeing me will be helpful. Fair enough?"

Bella nodded, although _humoring Charlie_ wasn't really an accurate statement. She sat across from this wide-framed, russet-skinned woman and her beige floral chairs under pure, unadulterated duress. She glanced at the door to Sue's office, imagining Alice sitting on the other side of it with a chair up against it.

Sue put her tortoise-shell glasses on and proceeded to review what Charlie had told her about James, graduation night, and Bella's recent behavior. There was something about Sue's voice that was mollifying; Bella surprised herself by truthfully answering her questions more often than not. Sue wanted to know how Bella was functioning – her quality of sleep, frequency and nature of nightmares, quality and quantity of personal relationships. No good news there. Then she inquired about Bella's coping strategies, which was a short conversation. Bella had meditation and Xanax – and neither were working. They skipped over the questions for Sue, as Bella had none. Then Sue leaned forward and took off her eyeglasses.

"The good news is we're almost done. The bad news is this is the part where I give you my opinion. You ready?"

Hood still on and eyes pointed down at her lap, Bella gave a single nod. What the hell – everybody else had an opinion, even the waitress at the coffee shop, apparently. Why stop now?

"You seem to be in the emergency stage, and all things considered, you have made some very good survival choices. You dropped what wasn't essential, namely school and work. You created a safe place in your home to do meditation. You came _here_."

Bella's eyes shot up in surprise. Sue smiled and nodded. "But you've also made bad choices. Isolating yourself is counterproductive. So is the Xanax."

"Now, listen…" Bella began. Sue waved her off.

"My turn to talk. You can ask questions when I'm done. The Xanax should have been prescribed as a temporary aid to help when you started therapy. Instead, based on what your father described and you've confirmed today, it's caused a plethora of new problems for you. Your body has become dependent on it, first of all, which is why it's not helping you as much. You need twice as much for the same results. Furthermore, Xanax has many possible side effects, some of which include irritability, hostility, decreased appetite, unusual dreams, depression, coordination problems, hallucinations, and yellowing of the eyes and skin. Do any of those sound familiar to you?"

Bella's eyes widened. _D – all of the above._

Sue nodded. "I think it's doing far more harm than good. But you can't quit cold-turkey. I'd like you to let me help you transition off of it."

Panic stirred in Bella's core and she wrapped her arms around her torso. "What am I supposed to do without it?"

"Come see me twice a week – at least for the next four weeks. More, if it's useful. Let me teach you alternative coping strategies, build on what you've accomplished so far."

"I can't be fixed in four weeks," Bella whispered.

Sue smiled warmly. "Of course not, dear. You can't be fixed at all. Because you aren't broken – just ill-equipped."

Bella shook her head.

"Is it worth four weeks to prove me wrong? Eight little hours. If you're not in a better place by then, you never see me again. Imagine how much fun it will be telling your friends you told them so." Sue smirked, and Bella fought to suppress a smile.

"Right now, I'd like each of us to do two things."

Bella quirked an eyebrow.

"I'd like to get your signature on this," she said, passing Bella a waiver and a pen, "so I can request your records from Dr. Young. That will save you a lot of repeating yourself. I'd also like to start you on a gradual reduction, to get the Xanax out of your system so you can start feeling better."

"And me?"

"Easy stuff. First, go home and take a nice, relaxing shower." Bella looked at Sue, then down at herself. As a statement of protest, she'd worn her wrinkled sleep clothes and a dingy old hoodie to the appointment, hiding a proverbial rat's nest under the hood. Okay, so the shower request was probably a good idea.

"Then do one nice thing for yourself."

Here, Bella was confounded. "Like what?"

"Get a pedicure. Read a cheesy novel. Eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's. Knit. Bake. Go to the movies. Just pick something that makes you happy."

_Something that makes me happy? What the hell does that mean?_ Bella shook her head. She didn't know what to make of this woman.

Sue clapped her hands together. "So. Wednesday? 10:00am?"

x – x – x – x – x

"I thought we were on the same page when you walked out of my house the other day," Edward said tightly. "Then I get a shocking text from my mother."

"I am so sorry about that," Tanya insisted. "Irina totally got things mixed up, and when our mom called that morning, she said things she shouldn't have, which got to your mom, and it's just a big mess."

"You can say that again," Edward mumbled. But this wasn't his only mess. He also had Bella, and the mess they'd left between them. Hardly a day passed by that he didn't think about calling her just one more time to see if she'd pick up the phone. God, he missed her.

"I totally get where you're at right now," Tanya was saying. Edward blinked a few times and tried to pay attention. "You're not looking for anything serious. Me, neither, really. I just had a good time, you know? I don't see why it has to get complicated."

Edward was confused. "Why _what_ has to get complicated?"

"Us." Tanya pointed her finger between the two of them. "You're single, I'm single. Great sex, no strings. Right?"

x – x – x – x – x

Bella's subsequent sessions were nothing like the first. Sue didn't force Bella to talk about James right away, but she hit a nerve when she mentioned Bella's mother and dug her heels in, pushing Bella to acknowledge her feelings about Renee leaving.

When the four weeks were up, Bella decided to keep working with Sue. She was completely off the Xanax, sleeping better, and eating normally. She began working on her feelings about James – not regarding graduation night specifically, but their _entire_ relationship. Bella also got tested for STD's – something she'd previously refused to do. Sue was convinced that it was necessary, not just for purposes of closure, but also for her own physical well being.

Bella wished she'd asked Alice to come with her. Getting her blood drawn was terrifying; she had barely acknowledged the attack for the past year and a half, let alone consider the possible ramifications. This simple medical procedure forced her to examine it in ways she'd never allowed, and the two weeks it took to get the results were torture. What if he'd made her sick? What if he _had_ killed her already?

The results all came back clean, to Bella's sobbing relief, but she'd chased Jake away in the meantime. He felt helpless watching her implode, and she couldn't stand the sound of his voice or bear for him to touch or comfort her. It wasn't just Jake; she couldn't stand her father either, or even male voices on TV. It broke his heart, but for her, he temporarily moved in with Leah, who was far more understanding than Bella deserved. She would make it up to them, somehow.

The upside was that Sue kept her word; she gave Bella tons of coping tools. Yoga DVD's, breathing exercises, writing exercises, books, assignments, you name it. She helped Bella find her boundaries, and slowly learn trust. Each session, Sue reiterated that, _with few exceptions_, people seek out others because they enjoy their company, _not_ because they want something.

Bella was nowhere near 'healed', but she was finally going in the right direction.

x – x – x – x – x

"Tell me the_ Cling-on_ did not ride in your car," Emmett whispered harshly in his brother's ear.

"Her place was on the way," Edward murmured.

"You are on dangerous ground, brother."

Tanya worked her way through the crowd and quickly caught up with the Cullen brothers, placing a hand on Edward's shoulder. "Care to dance?"

Edward ignored Emmett's expression of disbelief and led Tanya to the dance floor. Emmett shook his head and found the table Rosalie was seated at. It was just before 9pm and the nightclub was only half-full, so they had a perfect view of the dance floor, particularly Edward and his date.

Rosalie sighed in irritation. "Another double date with the golddigger?"

They watched as Tanya writhed against Edward's groin. "I don't understand it, Rose. He doesn't even like her."

"She's a parasitic bitch, baby. _Nobody_ likes her." Rosalie placed a hand on Emmett's knee, and he leaned in for a kiss. "But he's on the rebound. And she's easy."

"True. But she's also conniving. She's been trying to bag a Cullen for years. If I know her, she'll sink her teeth into him. She's in it for the long haul." He tossed back a shot and stared at the dancing pair.

x – x – x – x – x

Bella walked into the bookstore, closing her eyes in gratitude as the air conditioning hit her face. It was over a hundred degrees outside; the heat was easily her least favorite part of summer in California. She'd considered just calling, but decided Alice deserved to be told in person.

It was July; the summer term had started and the bookstore was slow. The coffee lounge, she noticed, was packed with students. In a way it was familiar and comfortable, but so much had changed for her in the past three months, she felt like an outsider. She wasn't a student anymore. She didn't belong here.

Angela was at the counter. "Hey, long time no see!" She walked around to give Bella a hug, which Bella accepted, albeit awkwardly.

"Missed you at the 4th of July party. Alice did a World War II theme. You know, _Boogey Woogey Bugle Boy…_ It was fun." _Of course she did._ It occurred to Bella that she might have been invited if she'd returned any of Alice's calls.

"You coming back to work?"

"Ahh… that's what I was hoping to talk to Alice about. She around?"

"Yeah, in her office. Go on back."

Bella walked down the narrow hallway to the stockroom, and knocked nervously on the wall before entering.

"Bella!" Alice jumped up and embraced Bella like she was back from the dead. "God I missed you. You look great! Why didn't you call? I would have come over. Oh wait – are you coming back to work? You want to start next week? I can change the schedule around and move Emery to –"

"Whoa, slow down," Bella interrupted. "That's what I came to tell you. I'm quitting."

Alice's face fell. "What? Why?"

"I got a call from one of the museums I applied at last year. They have a clerical position available and want me to start immediately."

"But-"

Bella's looked down, her brows furrowed. "I can't come back here, Alice."

"Oh." Alice sighed, resigned. "Okay."

After a short round of small-talk, Alice walked her friend back to the front of the bookstore, where she gave her another huge hug. "You know, I rented _Whip It_ the other night, but Jasper won't watch it with me." She looked pleadingly at her friend.

Bella stared at her friend for a moment, confused. Then the corner of mouth turned up slightly. "When do you have to return it?"

"Uh, tonight?" It sounded like a question.

_Subtle, Alice._ Bella hadn't spent any time with her friend, though, since she first saw Sue. At first, she had been so angry with her friends for their little intervention stunt, she'd all but banished them both from her life. She wouldn't return Alice's calls. She literally pushed Jake away. And once she got serious about healing, she became singularly focused. Much like when she'd been depressed and sedated, she completely tuned out the rest of the world. The truth was, she was lonely, and she missed her friend.

"Still like pepperoni on your pizza?"

"Till the day I die."

Bella gave her friend a small smile. "Okay. Call me when you get off work." She turned to leave, her eyes scanning the coffee lounge out of habit. She bit her lip hard and shuffled out, the door chiming behind her.

Alice glared at the strawberry blonde in the far corner of the coffee lounge. Tanya's eyes left the back of Bella's head long enough to stare back at Alice, a shameless grin plastered across her snotty face. Then she placed her hand on Edward's back and sipped her coffee. He didn't even look up from his textbook.

x – x – x – x – x

Alice parked herself next to Bella on the futon, their knees touching. "I have _really_ missed you, Bella. How are you?"

That was the million-dollar question, wasn't it? Getting off the Xanax had been hell – without it, there was no way to turn off her brain. At first, she couldn't sleep, and when she did, she had nightmares. She was full of rage and prone to crying jags that went on for hours, sometimes until she made herself vomit. She'd never been so thankful to live over a noisy garage; she screamed, she yelled, she sobbed, and she threw things, which, incidentally, Sue fully supported. Sue had said that Bella screamed in her dreams because she couldn't scream when she needed to, so go ahead and let it out. So she did. And then she drank all the beer Jake left in the fridge. She now had groceries delivered to the loft because she didn't trust herself in public long enough to go to the store. Then again, at least she was eating. And she was starting to sleep better, and she didn't cry _all _day. But this whole "feeling" business felt highly overrated most days.

Bella sighed and gave Alice a small smile. "I'm a work in progress."

"How is it with Sue? I mean, do you like working with her?"

Bella nodded. "She makes me feel like maybe I'm really not crazy, and maybe it won't always feel like this."

"You're not, Bella. And it won't. You already look so much better! I'm really proud of you." She pulled a slice of pizza out of the box and took a bit bite. "_Ohmigod._ I haven't had pizza in months. So good."

Bella hadn't had a friend to talk to in months, and she felt the same way that Alice did about the pizza. Alice noticed a bulletin board between the bathroom door and the window, and got up to check it out. "What's all this?"

Bella followed her to the wall. One of Sue's first instructions had been for Bella to put up photos of her friends or family, along with pictures of things that made her happy, someplace she would see them every day and remember that she wasn't alone, and that life was good. "Uh, it's my happy wall?" Bella bit her lip, embarrassed.

Alice chuckled. "I like it. It's cool. Wait a minute – is that me?" She pointed to a photo of her and Jasper.

"I took it at the beach party."

"Oh, Bella." Alice gave her a hug. She only half-released her, leaving her arm around Bella's waist as she continued to look at the images on the board. "These are really good. You take them?"

Bella nodded.

Alice pointed at her photo. "I want a copy of that one."

Bella smiled. "Okay."

"So what are you doing with your time these days?"

Bella sighed and walked back to the futon sofa, and Alice followed. "Thinking. Feeling. Crying. Watching Oprah."

Alice shook her head and chuckled again. "I mean, you're going to therapy, and that's good. But what else? Doesn't she have you doing anything, like a survivor's group or a self-defense class or therapeutic watercolor painting or something?

"Uh…" Bella stalled. "Well she keeps suggesting self-defense. But that's really not my thing. I'll have to ask about that watercolor one though. That sounds fun."

Alice looked at Bella dubiously. "How is self-defense not your thing?"

Bella explained her position. No matter whether Charlie or Sue thought it was a good idea, she didn't want to be put in that position ever again, and it wasn't going to make a difference.

As Alice listened, her wheels were turning. She knew the perfect solution. "Bella, do you trust me?"

"No way I'm answering that without more information. What's on your mind, Alice?"

"I want you to meet someone."

x – x – x – x – x

Alice sent out a couple text messages on her way home to set her plan in motion. The next morning, she had class until 2pm, and then drove to Culver City to pick up Bella.

"You ready?"

Bella was sitting on the futon, one leg folded underneath her. She looked worried. "I don't think I'm fit for public consumption yet, Alice." Alice inspected Bella; she was wearing navy plaid lounge pants and a gray ribbed tank – clearly, the clothes she'd slept in. Her hair was knotted up in a bun and she had bags under her eyes.

"You sleep at all last night?" Alice asked, concerned.

Bella looked away and scratched her head. "I dreamed a lot."

Alice thought for a moment. "Okay, well, what you're wearing is fine, actually. It's very casual. If you brush your teeth and put on some sneakers, I'll buy you a coffee on the way."

Reluctantly, Bella did as Alice asked. She inquired where they were going that pajamas were appropriate, but Alice just kept asking for trust. Sue's voice intertwined with Alice's in Bella's head, and she found herself going along for the ride. _Fine. Sure. Why not? What else did I have to do today?_

They exited the freeway on Sunset Boulevard and drove past UCLA, skirting around the outer perimeter of Edward's neighborhood. Bella's breathing accelerated. She wouldn't put it past Alice to stage an accidental run-in with Edward, and she couldn't handle that right now. "Okay, I officially don't trust you. Either you tell me where we're going or I'm jumping out of the car."

"I'm turning right in three stop lights and then we're parking and going up an elevator to the third floor." Alice eyed Bella as she drove.

"And Edward won't be there."

Embarrassed but relieved, Bella stared out the car window, sipping her coffee. Alice led her to an office with glass doors, and a tall blonde in a perfectly tailored cream-colored suit approached them. Just as Bella was trying to place where she'd seen her before, Alice introduced them.

"Yeah, we met," Rosalie said. She offered Bella a small smile. "At the beach party. I'm Emmett's girlfriend. Come, follow me." They passed a frosted door that had "Rosalie Hale" engraved in gold, and continued on to the end of the hall. Beyond that door was a gym of some kind. It was mirrored with padded floors, punching bags, ropes, strength-training equipment, and a life-sized male mannequin made out of some kind of rubbery gel.

"My training room," Rosalie said quietly.

Bella looked back and forth between her and Alice. "I'm confused."

"Alice said you were resistant to standard forms of self-defense instruction. I am offering my services."

x – x – x – x – x

Edward studied night and day for August mid-terms. He hid out at home, declining Emmett's invitations to hit the clubs and dodging Tanya's ever-increasing calls and texts.

What she'd pitched to him as safe, occasional casual sex between two friends became the stalking situation Emmett warned him it would be. She found him on campus and "studied" with him. Then she _coincidentally_ went out dancing with Irina at the same place he, Rosalie, and Emmett were. And though she denied claiming a relationship with him, Esme was absolutely beside herself with the idea that she'd soon be related to the Denali's. Esme was convinced all those years of joint vacations had brought Edward and Tanya together for a reason, no matter what he said to the contrary.

He was in a bind now. If he dumped her on her ass, the backlash would be severe. She had proven herself capable of hunting him down wherever he was, not to mention the damage it would to do his parents' relationship with their friends. But he couldn't stand her. At first, Tanya made him feel desirable and sexy. He didn't have to be careful how he touched her. She was up for whatever, whenever, _wherever._ It was like highschool, and his dick was very, very happy. But she was insecure, needy, clingy, and manipulative. And materialistic - she always wanted to eat in fancy restaurants or get sloppy drunk on Grey Goose martinis at some trendy bar. Some friend; not once had she come to the house, kicked her shoes off under the coffee table, split a pizza and watched a DVD with him.

Not like Bella had.

Edward walked to the car after his last mid-term, where she was leaned up against the driver's side of his Volvo, wearing a trench coat and holding a bottle of tequila.

"What are you doing here, Tanya?"

She frowned so briefly Edward almost missed it. Then she smirked and looked at him through false eyelashes. "Midterms are over. I thought we could celebrate." With one hand, she pulled the belt on the trench coat and it fell open. Tanya was completely naked.

_You are _not_ saying no to that,_ his dick called out. _Get off your high horse and get in that. Now._

His common sense and his heart silenced by his erection, Edward did as his dick instructed.

If Emmett was home, Edward couldn't tell. There were no cars in the driveway and the house was dark as they pulled up. He was relieved; he didn't want to see Rosalie's stares or Emmett's frantic "no, stop, don't" gestures. Grabbing two shot glasses from the kitchen, he led Tanya upstairs.

Four shots and ten minutes later, Edward was naked, sprawled out on his bed, with Tanya's mouth wrapped around him. It wasn't going so well. Lately, his brain stubbornly refused to direct sufficient blood flow to the appropriate regions. _Traitor._ Edward closed his eyes and laid his head back, trying to concentrate on the blowjob he was receiving. Tanya moaned as she swallowed him whole, and it sounded eerily similar to the noise Bella made when she tasted Edward's In-n-Out shake.

And just like that, Little Edward came to life.

Tanya worked away, stroking and sucking. The tequila did its job, too, numbing the nerve endings, warming his chest, fogging up his mind. He saw Bella through the fog, though; she was wearing that tiny berry-pink sweater, her chocolate hair thick and wavy down her back. He reached for her hair, dying to run his fingers through it again.

Tanya released his dick from her mouth and he opened his eyes to see why; her hair was in his fist. She crawled up the bed and kissed him hard, grinding her hips against his. Edward rolled them both over so that he was on top, and Tanya giggled. "Flip over," he instructed.

She smirked, rolling over onto her knees and wiggling her ass at him.

There was no foreplay, no warning. Edward placed himself at her entrance, grasped her hips, and slammed into Tanya. He pounded into her, each thrust purging his mind of Bella. _No chestnut hair here._ Thrust. _No heart-shaped face._ Thrust. _ No delicate fingers, no petite frame or huge heart. _Thrust, thrust.

_Dude – still thinking about Bella…_ he scolded himself. He grabbed a fistful of Tanya's hair and yanked her head back, causing her back to arch. She cried out and egged him on. It was good she liked it rough, because he was in no mood to be gentle.

The voice of reason made an unwelcome appearance as he slid in and out of Tanya. _This chick is crazy. You don't even like her. Why are we fucking her?_

_I like getting laid. _Thrust.

_Enough to Fuck Tanya? Come on, what are we doing?_

Edward shook his head and picked up the pace, desperate to finish this. _Getting over Bella. _Thrust, thrust.

_You're kidding yourself. You aren't over shit._

Edward dug his fingers into Tanya's hips and buried himself deep inside her, grunting as he came. Tanya's resulting moan reminded him she was there. He didn't even look at her before pulling out and discarding the condom in the bathroom. He suddenly wondered; had she come?

If he was being honest with himself, he kind of didn't care.

x – x – x – x – x

Bella stood at the edge of the mats, nervous and self-conscious. She'd agreed to meet with Rose alone the next afternoon, but now she was having second thoughts. "I don't know what Alice told you, but…"

"She said you needed some self-defense training, and what's available to most women didn't work for you."

"That's it?" Bella found that highly unlikely.

"That's it. And it didn't work for me, either. That's why we're here now."

Rosalie handed Bella a pair of sparring gloves and instructed her to put them on. Then she led Bella to one of the hanging sand bags and demonstrated a few jabs and punchs. "I want you to get used to the feel of making impact with a hard object. Do fifty reps of that and then we'll do something different."

In lounge pants and a tank top, her hair washed and tied back in a ponytail, Bella tried to duplicate Rosalie's moves. Rosalie, wearing tight black leggings and a sport bra, watched Bella intently. "It's just sand, sweetie. It won't hurt you, and you can't hurt it. Hit it hard." Bella swung her fist, and the bag swayed slightly on impact. "That's good. Forty more."

Once she got the hang of it, Bella found that punching something felt good. Like, _really good._ It was better than a hundred screams. She felt strong hitting the bag. Alice had definitely known what she was doing, calling Rosalie. But how did she know Rosalie would help? Was she just doing it for Edward? What did she want in return? On her last jab, she turned to Rosalie. She needed to know the deal before she was going to put any trust or effort into this. "Why are you doing this for me?"

Rosalie's neutral expression became rueful, and she sat on an exercise ball. "That didn't take long." Bella shrugged and sat on an adjacent weight-lifting bench, her expression clear – she wanted an explanation.

Rosalie watched Bella for a long moment before answering. "You know Royce Hall? The big building North of the Powell Library on campus?"

Bella nodded.

"It was named for Josiah Royce, an American philosopher. I met his great great grandson, Spencer Royce-King, my freshman year. He was confident, rich, and extremely hot, and he singled me out right away. He lavished me with attention and gifts, and I loved it. I walked around campus like I was royalty." Rosalie stared ahead blindly, a ghost of a smile on her lips. Then her smile faded.

"But he drank a lot. One night, we were at his apartment when a few of his friends showed up with a couple bottles of whiskey, intending to get drunk and watch the basketball game. The drunker Spencer got, the more inappropriate his touches got. I mean, we were in the living room right next to his friends, you know. But they were drunk too, and they egged him on. I got angry and got up to leave. I said I'd see him the next day, when he was _sober._"

Rosalie's gaze shifted to Bella, who was listening raptly. "I never made it out the door."

"My god," Bella whispered.

"I overheard Emmett and Edward talking about what happened between you two," Rosalie said, looking apologetic. "They don't understand. They've never experienced anything like what you've been through."

The memory of Edward's anguished expression was burned into Bella's memory. She had never made things right with him. She'd been too self-absorbed to reach out and make sure _he_ was okay, too. Rosalie put a stop to that train of thought by standing abruptly.

"So now you know. And you're behind 50 reps, and we have a lot of work to do. I'm going to teach you how to be your own hero, girlie. Let's get back at it." She walked back to the sand bag, and Bella followed obediently.

* * *

**Also, thank to you Nise7465 for rec'ing my story, and her lovely readers who trusted her and came over to check out These Dreams. I am so glad you're here, thank you**!** If you're looking for a new story (work in progress), do check out Impact by Nise7465. It's a B&E love story with the real-life twist of learning to live with a disability. Such a huge change from the normal high-lemon, low-plot stories we see most of the time. I'm really enjoying it.**

**Reviews are better than Rosalie teaching you how to be your own hero. ;)**


	17. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: Twilight's not mine. Wish it was. =)**

**Gratitude to my betas and all who review – not just my story, but any author's.**

**I know most of you are beyond ready to get going toward your HEA. This was much more fun for me to write, because Bella's story converges with the underlying love story again. Finally.**

**So without further ado...**

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It had been five months since Bella started seeing Sue, and one month since she'd started training with Rosalie. They met at least three times a week, usually early in the morning before Rosalie's phone started ringing. Rosalie was donating a lot of time, and at first it made Bella really uncomfortable. She'd tried to hire Rosalie, to pay her for her help – with disastrous results. Once the conversation reached normal volumes again, the two made a deal. Rosalie would keep training her for free, and Bella would give 110% of herself every time she stepped foot on the mats.

Whereas her time with Sue left Bella emotionally drained, her time with Rosalie left her physically drained but emotionally recharged. Rosalie was both brutal and nurturing. In truth, she somehow knew how to get inside Bella's head and make the exercise non-threatening for Bella, and Bella never once panicked under Rosalie's care.

Until the day Rosalie stood in front of the dummy.

It was late afternoon, and the office was closed. Rosalie had to escort a politician to LAX in the morning, so she had Bella come in after hours to make up the time. After a few warm-up exercises, she crossed the room and stood by the 6' tall rubber man. "Alright, Bella-san. It's just you, me, and Buster. Time to kick some ass for real."

Everything Rosalie had taught her, Bella had practiced in the air or on the sand bags. She'd gotten stronger, even put on a little muscle. But she wouldn't spar with Rosalie, and she was terrified of the big rubber dummy Rosalie's staff used to practice lethal moves. There were fingernail dings all over it, scratches down the face, and a slit in the abdomen where it looked like somebody had actually stabbed it at some point. Bottom line, the thing was creepy.

Bella stood in front of it, her hands clasped and drawn tight to her chest while Rosalie explained what Bella was supposed to do. When she finished speaking, Bella just stared at her, eyes wide and filling with tears. "I can't do it," she whispered.

Rosalie moved to stand behind Bella, wrapped her arms around her friend, and rested her chin on Bella's shoulder. Her words were soft as a feather, but firm as the ground. "Everything I've taught you in the past month is useless unless you know how to apply it in real life. Hitting and kicking this dummy perfectly mimics the feel of striking a motionless attacker. This is where you teach your muscles how hard to land a blow, and how to do so without hurting yourself."

She gently pulled Bella's arms down to her sides. Then she nudged Bella directly in front of Buster.

"Close your eyes," Rosalie suggested. Bella did as she was told.

"Guard up." Bella raised her fists in front of her face.

"Jab, then hook." Bella hesitated, her breath shaky. Rosalie repeated herself, her voice a little louder. "Jab, then hook, Bella."

Bella threw her right arm out for a jab, more than a little surprised when she made contact. She threw the hook with her left, making contact again. Her hands stung and her arms vibrated from the impact against the fake man, and she whimpered.

"Give me a front kick," Rosalie instructed. Bella took a deep breath and centered herself, and shot out her right foot as hard as she could. She heard Buster wobble as she dropped her foot.

"Open your eyes."

She had never hit anyone before, and even though Buster wasn't real, it was overwhelming. Bella's hands shook uncontrollably as she opened her eyes and wiped away tears. Rosalie was grinning like a Cheshire cat. "You just broke Buster's nose and rendered him sterile."

Bella sniffled. "I did?"

Rosalie nodded. "So let's get to work, shall we?" Rosalie paced back and forth, barking out instructions and tips. Bella kept her eyes open for the rest of the session, trying to picture Buster as the sand bag she always practiced her kicks on. They did that for an hour, and then Rosalie started showing Bella defensive moves to quickly disable an attacker. She gouged eyes, hooked nostrils, kneed rubber groins, scratched and clawed. It was difficult at first; Bella's brain didn't seem to want to let her limbs cooperate. Rosalie had to give a lot of encouragement to keep Bella's body in motion. But Bella fought through the discomfort and blinked away the tears she could not put a stopper on. She gave 110%.

When they were done for the night, Rosalie threw Bella a towel and a water bottle, and they sat on two exercise balls by the mirror.

"I know that was hard for you," Rosalie acknowledged.

Bella nodded and sipped her water. "It triggered a lot of emotions… I wasn't expecting that."

Rosalie placed her water on the floor and leaned toward Bella. "You walk into the grocery store, you sit in class, you drive down the street – and one out of six women you pass have been raped. Half of them were under 18 when it happened. A third of them were in an abusive relationship in their teens. These are the statistics. And because it's taboo to talk about it, most of them are just like you were – feeling isolated, carrying the burden alone, internalizing the pain. Nobody's told them it's okay to get angry. Nobody's told them it's okay to fight back. But it is, Bella. And now you can. You beat the hell out of Buster back there. He's in the E.R. now, getting his testicles removed from his spleen and his retinas reattached. He'll have to have a few broken ribs taped up." Bella chuckled at the idea of the rubber dummy sitting in triage at the local hospital. "You should be proud of yourself tonight."

x – x – x – x – x

Bella met with Sue the next morning, and detailed her achievements with Rosalie the previous day. Sue persuaded Bella to re-enroll in school. It was something Bella had been pondering for a few weeks herself; she'd missed three terms already, and knew her remaining financial aid would expire if she didn't go back soon, even with the personal leave she requested.

That afternoon she walked on campus for the first time since July and registered for two classes that worked perfectly around her schedule at the museum. After getting all of her paperwork done, she crossed campus, hoping to get her books and catch up with Alice at the same time.

That seemed like a much better idea before she watched Edward walk out of the bookstore beside the hot strawberry blonde. Bella halted her steps and watched Edward hold the door open for her before leading her away from Bella, toward the parking lot.

Bella reminded herself that it had been almost nine months. Edward deserved to be happy.

That didn't make her heart ache any less.

She walked into the bookstore with no bounce in her step, but was quickly recharged by an exuberant Alice, who skipped around the counter and squeezed Bella.

"What are you doing here? How's it going with Rosalie? You look fantastic! Oh my god, is that a class schedule in your hand?"

Bella chuckled and gave Alice a brief hug in return. "Wow. Hi."

Alice got Bella her books, and spent an hour at the register talking to her, just like the day they met. It was so different, yet exactly the same, and Bella was glad she'd come today.

"So listen. Jasper's band is hosting a Halloween party at his work in Culver City, and I would _really _like you to come."

"I don't know." The idea of drunk people in masks dancing around in a dark warehouse didn't sound like fun. It sounded like an anxiety attack.

"The band has written some new songs, and the guys could use some friendly faces in the crowd. Plus, I miss you, Bella. Come to the party, please?"

Bella looked down at her shoes. "I'll think about it, okay?"

Alice sighed. "Okay. Well, how about a movie night then?"

"That, I would love."

x – x – x – x – x

The day of the party, Alice was loading up her car when her cell phone went off. She looked at the display before answering it. "Gracie! What can I do for you?"

Bella chuckled. Alice had taken to giving her fighter nicknames since she started working with Rosalie. At first it made her anxious, but now she was able to appreciate the compliment. "I need a favor."

"Anything babe. Whatcha need?"

"I need to borrow a pair of tall black boots."

Alice hung the Halloween costumes on the hook in the backseat and shut the car door. "No prob. I can drop them by on the way to the warehouse. Can I ask why you want to borrow them?"

_Closure,_ she thought, recalling her conversation with Sue. She wanted a chance to set the record straight with Edward, and tell him she was glad he was happy. So she could let him go_. _"I changed my mind. I'm coming to the party tonight."

Bella was just hanging up the phone as Jake walked in. "Was that Alice?" he asked.

"Yep."

"You're going after all?"

Bella nodded and pulled a rootbeer out of the fridge.

"Welcome back to the world, Bella Swan." Bella rolled her eyes and Jake winked at her playfully.

x – x – x – x – x

After dropping off the boots at Bella's and trying unsuccessfully to glean details about Bella's costume, Alice and Charlotte showed up a couple hours early to set up the decorations. Jasper and friends pulled up with a truckload full of beer kegs around 6pm and set up the stage. Alice shredded a long roll of black vinyl tarp and used it to cover up the rolls of carpet along the far end of the room. She set up chairs in front of that to make sure people didn't get into the inventory. Warehouse parties stop being fun when you get fired because drunken idiots puke in your product while the owner is out of town.

By the time 9pm rolled around, there were several fog machines going, shredded muslin and gauze over the black vinyl, and garlands of bones near the kegs. Alice ran into the restroom and slipped on her slightly wicked Southern Belle costume. Then she handed Jasper his costume and turned on the black lights.

x – x – x – x – x

Jake stayed in the loft for only a few minutes, as was normal these days. He usually just checked in, ate, and changed clothes. He had moved out when Bella started therapy; things were just too intense in the loft and his presence seemed to make her worse - and although he'd returned about the same time she started working with Rosalie, Bella was different now, and he was unsure where he fit into the life she was building. Furthermore, his time at Leah's had changed their relationship in intangible and significant ways. In fact, he was thinking about moving in with her permanently – he just didn't know how to tell Bella.

He made sure Bella knew how to get to Culver City before he left for Leah's. They were going to a Halloween party thrown by one of Leah's friends.

Bella looked out the window overlooking the garage and watched Jake drive away. She wondered when he was going to tell her he wanted to live with Leah. Their love for each other was unmistakable. With a sad smile, she lowered the blind and got in the shower. She had a party to get ready for.

The sun was down by the time Bella was dressed and ready to go, but she still had over an hour before she needed to leave. She curled up in the green chair with a book Sue had recommended, and tried to absorb the tranquility of the loft and the dormant street below before braving the loud and crowded party.

She'd been reading for a little over an hour when something heavy hit the window nearest the door. Startled, Bella jumped out of the chair, dropping the book onto the floor. A moment later, she heard it again. Her heart pounded in her chest, and she looked around the room, unsure what to do. Finally she turned off the lights and turned on the porch light. She tiptoed to the window and peered through the blinds, equal parts curious and afraid to see who was outside.

There was no one there.

She looked for cars, for signs that the gate had been opened – something to explain the assault on a second story window. Everything appeared to be in order. Just as she let go of the blinds, something slammed against the window to the left. She jumped in fright but looked out one more time, finding a large black bird. It was flying, but appeared injured. It seemed determined to fly through the closed window, and Bella watched it throw itself into the window a couple more times before she realized how late it had gotten. She abruptly dropped the blinds and laughed at herself, a nervous, weary chuckle. _Afraid of a bird._ She shook her head and sat back down in the chair.

She slid on and zipped up the boots Alice had brought over and snatched up her keys. She paused briefly, staring at the pepper spray laying on the coffee table. It hadn't left the house in over a month, mostly because Sue disapproved of her depending on the object like a child with a binky.

Bella picked up the pepper spray. Bottom lip wedged between her teeth, she glanced at the window and thought about walking down to the car in the dark, alone. _What if it hadn't been just a bird? What if next time it wasn't?_

With a tightness in her chest, she thought of Rosalie, her unlikely mentor. But it was late. The party had already started. She left the loft, keys in one hand, pepper spray in the other, locking the door behind her.

And when she got to the bottom step, she lifted the dumpster lid and tossed her binky inside.

x – x – x – x – x

Inside the warehouse, Bella found her friend quickly enough. Jasper was on stage in a destroyed Civil War soldier's costume; it looked like he was back from the grave. That meant the short little bloody Southern belle had to be Alice. Alice spun at the sound of her name and her eyes bugged out of her head at the sight of Bella.

"Holy crap, you look fucking _hot_! I will never ask you to wear a dress again. You don't need one." Bella blushed at the compliment, and Alice led her to a small table near the stage.

Across the room, Tanya and Irina were slowly emptying a keg. Wearing twin 'siren' costumes, they were draped in sheer layers of bronze and gold. Irina had gotten them the invite, of course, through Charlotte. Irina refilled her cup with beer and followed Tanya's gaze to the stage. Edward and Jasper were tinkering with guitars while the rest of the band were taking a break near one of the kegs.

"Why didn't you ride in with Edward?" Irina asked.

"He wasn't sure he was going to be able to make it," Tanya lied. Edward hadn't even told her about the party. In fact, he hadn't called her back in two weeks. He'd only texted her, all very brief replies to her messages, all declining to see her. She gazed at him from across the room, infatuated. She was determined to get his attention tonight.

On stage, Jasper was plucking chords on a black guitar, and Edward was holding the microphone, drunk as hell, but crooning out a funky bluesy tune. They often jammed like this at Jasper's; the two of them had become close over the past several months. Edward just liked screwing around when no one was looking; Jasper thought his friend had a great voice.

Tanya was definitely watching, though.

And so was Bella.

When their song wound to a close, Jasper joined his bandmates for a beer. Edward followed, but soon caught sight of Tanya and Irina huddled in conversation. They looked like strippers in their low-cut semi-sheer excuses for costumes, and Tanya looked wasted already. He just wasn't in the mood to get into it with her tonight.

He tapped Jasper's shoulder and gestured to the parking lot, then made his hasty retreat. His steps faltered midway through the crowd, however. At a table by the door, Alice was talking with a hot brunette. Her waves fell past her shoulder blades and over a tight black t-shirt, tucked into jeans that looked as if she'd been sewn into them. A black leather cuff bracelet and black knee-high boots completed the package – all she needed was a Harley to ride off on. As if feeling his stare, she turned her head abruptly, making eye contact with Edward.

It was Bella.

Alice followed her gaze, spoke into Bella's ear, and squeezed her hand. With the slightest nod and smile to Edward, she left the two of them facing each other. Edward was more than a little surprised when Bella took the dozen steps to reach him, and ran his fingers through his hair nervously. Then, realizing he was still wearing his vampire teeth, he removed them hastily and shoved them in his pocket.

"I didn't know you'd be here."

Bella flinched at his greeting, her expression remorseful. "Oh. Uh, I just thought maybe… yeah. I guess it wasn't such a good idea." She reached into her pocket for her keys.

Her movement alarmed him. "You're leaving?"

Bella was confused. "You don't want me to?"

"No!"

"Oh." She bit her lower lip, unsure how to proceed. Edward stared at her, his expression unfathomable. Bella started to lose her nerve when Edward's hand reached out to hers, his eyebrow hitched in a silent request. She gave it hesitantly, and he led her behind the stage.

It was not as loud back there, and she wouldn't have to shout for him to hear her. The lack of conversation was uncomfortable; Bella gestured to the vampire teeth Edward had pulled from his pocket. "Nice costume."

"Well, it's no fuckhot luscious biker mama," he slurred, his hand in his hair again. Bella's cheeks filled with color.

"Jesus, I'm sorry Bella. I've had _a lot_ to drink tonight. Brain-to-mouth filter…" he waved his hand dismissively. "But you do look… really unbelievable." His eyes roamed over her squared shoulders and toned arms, absently adding, "and _strong._"

Bella tucked her hair behind her ear and she glanced down at her feet. Compliments were still not easy for her to hear. She decided to change the subject. "So, I just really wanted to apologize for the way things ended. And I want to make sure you know none of it was your fault."

Edward grimaced, recalling their last night together all too clearly. Alcohol had no effect on that memory, he had been disappointed to learn over the past several months. He shook his head. "Bella –"

Bella cut him off. "I have made a lot of mistakes, but I regret hurting you more than anything."

Edward's mind was a merry-go-round on warp speed. This wasn't going the way it should. She should not be apologizing. He should be apologizing. Shouldn't he? There was so much he wanted to say, but he couldn't focus on a single thing. Frustrated, he blurted out the first complete thought that came to him. "Can we do this when I'm sober?"

Bella took an unsure step backward, her eyes wide.

Edward reached his hand out to her. "Shit. Wait. What I mean is, can I take you to dinner? Tomorrow night? And we can talk about whatever you like, and I won't be so… intoxicated." Edward looked into Bella's eyes as she seemed to consider his offer. They were exactly as he remembered, but different. Deeper. Brighter. Less guarded. After a long moment, she still hadn't answered him, and as panic flashed through him, he begged. "Please?"

Edward stood before Bella, his balance questionable, his conversation skills clearly impaired– likely by large amounts of whiskey, if Jasper had anything to do with it. He looked just as she remembered him, but also different. He looked thinner, and tired. She wondered if med school was taking its toll on him.

"Okay," she finally answered. Tonight was obviously not a good time for the conversation she wanted to have.

"Yes? Yes! Good! Okay!" Edward smiled stupidly. "I need water," he said suddenly, feeling self-conscious about his intoxication. "You feel like coming with me?" He reached for her hand again and she gave it more willingly this time. This time he paused, relishing the feel of her skin against his, noticing that Bella appeared to be doing the same.

Tanya finally caught a glimpse of Edward some fifteen minutes later, appearing from behind the stage, where the band was now performing an upbeat rock tune that had the crowd animated. It took her a moment to realize he was not alone. He pulled two bottles of water from an ice chest and led a short brunette toward the exit. Tanya pushed her way through the crowd furiously, following the pair outside. Their hands were clasped, and he kept looking down at her like he thought she would disappear.

Just as Tanya realized the girl was Edward's ex-girlfriend, they rounded the corner of the building and she lost them. Her hands shook and her eyes blazed; how could he do this to her?

x – x – x – x – x

It was a perfect Halloween night – clear sky, full moon, and a slight chill to the air. Bella shivered as a breeze skimmed over her bare arms. "Where's your Volvo?"

"I rode with a friend so I could drink," he admitted, mumbling "and so I wouldn't be tempted to take home any hitchhikers." He smirked to himself, picturing Tanya in that stripper costume, on a street corner with her thumb out.

Bella opened her bottle of water and took a sip, giving Edward another chance to stare at her. Seeing her again felt surreal, and he was already missing her, sensing his time would be short. "Did you really just come to the party to talk to me?" he asked.

Bella shrugged. "Also to see Alice. I haven't been a very good friend the past several months." She reached for her hem automatically, but her stretchy black tee was tucked into her jeans, so she clasped her hands together anxiously.

Goose bumps covered her arms and she looked toward her truck, wondering if there was a hoodie inside. Edward followed her glance and gestured toward the truck. They both climbed inside, getting a reprieve from the crisp breeze and a semblance of privacy. Bella found her gray UCLA hoodie and slipped it on.

Edward finished his water and ran his fingers through his hair a few times, unsure what to say. It all boiled down to one thing, though. "If I had known, Bella…"

Bella smiled tightly, shaking her head. "I know. I know. I've made a lot mistakes – "

This time Edward cut her off. "No, I'm not blaming you. I – fuck. I just missed you so much."

Edward's admission surprised Bella, and she turned on the bench seat of the truck, meeting his eyes. They looked… _sad._

Bella furrowed her brows and shook her head slightly. "At first."

Edward's expression matched hers as he corrected her. "Still."

"What about your girlfriend?"

Edward was confused. "What?"

"The tall supermodel." Embarrassed, she admitted, "I've seen you on campus together. She's beautiful, Edward, really. I'm happy for you." Bella hid her sadness with an accepting smile, but it did not reach her eyes.

Confusion turned to agitation. "Wait a minute. No. No! Tanya is not my girlfriend. I just – " _tried to fuck you out of my system,_ he finished to himself._ And look how well that turned out._

Bella was confused, her words unsure. "So then who is?"

Edward turned on the seat, facing her completely. It had been about an hour and he was feeling a little more sober. He hoped she would see that when he looked deeply into Bella's eyes, and understand what he meant to say.

"No one. There's only you, Bella."

x – x – x – x – x

As they'd agreed, Edward took Bella to a trendy little diner near campus the next night. It was small and intimate, with mismatched chairs and local artists' and photographers' works displayed on colorful walls. They started out simply reacquainting themselves. Bella laughed at Edward's tales of he and Emmett as children, and Edward listened, enthralled, to Bella's childhood misadventures with Jake.

Bella couldn't stop losing herself in those emerald green eyes. The pull in her chest confirmed how much she had missed him the past several months. She had really fouled things up, and for the first time, dared to hope for a chance to make it right.

Edward couldn't take his eyes off of Bella's face. He had honestly forgotten how beautiful she was – soft, strong, timeless. When she spoke, he memorized the shape of her lips, the sound of her voice, and every shade of brown in her irises, to make sure he would never forget again.

It was still early when they left the restaurant, but Edward was in no hurry to take her home. He suggested they go to the beach to watch the sun set.

He drove down the 405, bypassing bustling Santa Monica and Venice beaches for something a little calmer and quieter. He parked on a residential street that was walking distance from Manhattan Pier, and the two strolled toward the beach, fingers intertwined. The sun setting over the Pacific Ocean made the sky explode in glorious shades of orange, pinks, and reds.

Bella grinned at the view before her. She would never get tired of it. Every day was a different work of art, and she again found herself wishing she had her camera so she could capture the moment.

Edward had pulled a blanket from the trunk when they parked, and he laid it down in the sand just north of the pier, where there were less people. He gestured for her to have a seat, and she smiled at him. His eyes seemed to hold a question.

"What is it?" she asked cautiously, sitting down on the blanket. He dropped gracefully beside her, sitting cross-legged, their knees touching.

Edward ran his fingers through his wild bronze locks and the right side of his mouth pulled up into a small smile. His teeth seemed to sparkle in the fading light.

"Bella, do I make you uncomfortable? Still? I mean, do you still feel the way you did when we met?" Edward maintained his smile, but Bella noticed it did not reach his eyes.

Caution and confusion was painted across Bella's face. "No… Why do you ask that?"

"Because you keep reaching into your pocket, love." Edward's soft smile, he hoped, showed her that he wasn't offended, just curious.

Bella smiled meekly. "Honestly, there's nothing in my pocket anymore. It's just habit, I guess."

Edward knew now that the pepper spray had something to do with her ex, but Jake hadn't explained it. She had been very open all evening, and he didn't know when he'd get another opportunity to ask questions about this part of her past. There were things he needed to understand if they had any chance of moving forward. "The pepper spray…" he began softly. "Have you ever used it?"

Bella looked down into her lap in embarrassment, thinking about the night she pulled it on Edward. But embarrassment turned to dolor as Bella's mind wandered. "No, I haven't," she answered quietly.

Edward studied Bella's face for a long time. Her eyes were tight, focused on the ocean before them, and her fingers pulled the hem of her hoodie absently.

Bella watched the sun creeping slowly toward the horizon, but did not really see it. In her mind's eye, all she could see was bared teeth and hungry eyes. Of course, Edward knew what Bella was thinking about. Jake had given him the cliff notes. But he needed to hear it from _her_. Seeing her last night had jump-started his heart – there was no denying he was head over heels in love with her. He wanted her back in his life, and then he wanted to know everything about her – joy and sorrow, past and present. No more secrets.

Still watching her face, Edward debated whether this was the right time for this conversation. But really, would there ever be a good time?

"Bella," he spoke quietly, reaching for her hand and holding it in his. "Will you tell me what happened to you?"

* * *

**I'm a supporter of RAINN [dot] org, and if you've never checked out the site, you should. It's a great NATIONAL resource for anyone who's survived sexual abuse, or knows someone who has. And really, at the very least, most, if not all, of us know someone who has. Rosalie's statistics in this chapter came from the following sites (remove spaces):**

**http:/ www .rileycenter .org /domestic-violence-statistics .html**

**http:/ www .rainn .org /get-information/statistics/sexual-assault-victims**

**Frightening statistics on teen dating: ****http:/ www .acadv .org /dating .html****.**** (enough to make me rethink letting my kid out of the house until she graduates college)**

**PS – in my head, at the Halloween party, Jasper and Edward were doing a muddy, funky version of Cage The Elephant's new Shake Me Down. In case you cared. =)**

**Reviews are better than Edward calling you a fuckhot luscious biker mama. LOL.**


	18. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I'm just traumatizing the characters.**

**Gratitude to my betas, Ms CVG and Louise Clark, who tolerate all my inane questions and rantings. Also, a big thanks to all who read and review – not just my story, but any author's. We're only here because of you!**

**A few little Twilight quotes in here to take the edge off the heavy parts… see if you can find them. There are only 3 more chapters after this! Holy crow!**

*****WARNING***: As if you didn't know how I do by now… but in particular, this chapter starts out heavy. Bella answers Edward's question from the end of Ch 16, and there's a lot of sensory information. It was intense to write; it may be intense to read – like, probably not a good idea to read it in your cubicle. If you prefer, you can skip the deets of Graduation night, scroll down to the first set of x – x – x (about ¼ of the way down) and start reading there, where it's nice and safe.**

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Last time on These Dreams: _"Bella," he spoke quietly, reaching for her hand and holding in his. "Will you tell me what happened to you?"_

Bella shifted her gaze to Edward. Her eyes bore into his, full of questions. Did he realize what he was asking? If she told him everything, would he ever be able see her the same way?After it happened, it had been weeks before she could look Jake in the eye, _months_ before she could look at Charlie. Would she be able to look Edward in the eye after tonight?

She realized this conversation needed to happen. But she didn't want to talk about that night anymore. She'd even moved past it in her meetings with Sue, and she was tired of carrying it around. Furthermore, she wasn't sure she could handle Edward picturing her that way, and she wasn't sure he could handle how broken she had been. She sighed. _Bottom line, does this relationship have a chance, if I'm not willing to find out?_

Edward waited patiently, seeing the conflict in her eyes. He rubbed small circles onto her hand soothingly.

She felt him sitting there, watching her, and shifted her gaze to the sun now slipping down beyond the horizon. "I don't think you realize what you're asking," she murmured, sliding her hand out from under Edward's.

"I have a general idea," he answered softly. "If you are not ready to share that with me, I understand. I just… you are so important to me, Bella. I love you."

Bella looked at Edward, stunned, and Edward paused at her reaction. He told her that before, many months ago. How could she not know? With a small nervous smile, he continued. "I'm just trying to understand what you're dealing with."

Bella chewed her bottom lip nervously, turning his words over in her mind. _He loves me._ Her worries battled with Sue's insistence that a leap of faith on her part would bring them closer.

Edward watched intently, breathless, still waiting. Bella's eyebrows were furrowed as if she were in deep thought. He about chickened out and apologized for even bringing it up when her face relaxed somewhat, and she finally spoke. Her voice was so soft he had to lean in to hear her.

"When I was in high school, I was in a very bad relationship. There are a lot of things that happened between us that…" Bella stopped mid-sentence and shook her head. "You want to know why I acted the way I did that night."

Edward remained silent, which Bella took as a 'yes'. "My dad had taken the day off work to see me graduate, but shortly after the ceremony he was called in to help with a bad car accident.

"It was pouring that night," she explained, glancing up at his face. She'd heard the dispatcher tell Charlie the car had hydroplaned, spun out, and ended up wedged under a tree-hauler. The driver was DOA. Edward nodded encouragingly.

"He'd intended to take me to dinner to celebrate, but asked for a rain check and went to work. James drove me home. When we pulled up to my house, James opened the car door for me, and the house too. He held my umbrella for me. He hung up my coat. It was so…nice. So unlike him.

"I ran upstairs to change out of my dress clothes." Bella stared intently at her lap as if it were the most interesting thing on Earth. She took a long breath.

"He followed me up to my room." As she spoke those words, Bella's senses filled with impressions. The sound of his footsteps on the stairs behind her, his cold fingers on her bare shoulders. The cloying scent of his cologne stinging her nostrils, the thud of his shoes being kicked off, his damp, musty jacket pressed against her back.

She closed her eyes to block them out, but James was still in her mind, taunting her. _'You're not in high school anymore, Bella', _came a guttural murmur behind her. He'd wrapped her hair around his hand and pressed his lips to her neck._ 'Childhood is over.'_ That was the moment the atmosphere had changed; her chest had tightened and her heart had raced while her brain struggled to register the gut instinct that something was wrong.

The flashbacks were intense, and Bella felt herself starting to panic. She fell silent, focusing all her energy on taking slow deep breaths and staying present like Sue taught her. She was getting better at it, but it was still difficult not to get sucked into the memories. _A Xanax would be frigging sweet right about now._

Edward studied Bella. Emotion after emotion splashed across her face. Fear, pain, anger, embarrassment, shame. She didn't speak for several minutes, and Edward wondered if she was going to say anything else. He reached for her hand twice but stopped himself; she seemed to be debating something.

She needed to separate herself from her words – that was the only way she was going to be able to do this. With some effort, she erased all expression from her face; her chocolate brown eyes went unfocused as she retreated into herself. Her voice was flat and detached when she continued.

"He came up behind me while I was changing. I tried to turn around to face him, but he… I couldn't."

Edward recalled the day he'd snuck up on Bella in the bookstore, and the way she spun around, whipping that pepper spray out of her pocket. She had reacted like he was going to attack her.

Bella continued to stare out at the ocean, but all she could see were lace curtains, her purple bedspread, and _his_ blue striped button-down.

"I got free but couldn't make it to the door," she said blankly, grazing her scar with two fingers. In fact, James had flung her across the room. She tripped backward on the corner of the bed, and her head slammed against the nightstand as she fell.

It amazed Bella how vividly that night came back to her every time she thought about it. The searing pain, the metallic scent of her blood, the sensation of drowning in black waters as she lost consciousness... she had total recall. She was barely aware of Edward sitting beside her. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut, fighting to stay present. She was struggling, and bent forward over her lap, covering her face with her hands while she took slow deep breaths.

Edward couldn't hear her crying over the sounds of the ocean, but he could see tears on her jaw line. He wiped away the ones closest to him and placed his hand on her knee supportively.

Edward's touch brought her back. She was here with him, not in her bedroom. _ I'm just telling my story. _Then, as Rosalie made her repeat after each of their sessions, she murmured _I am strong and safe and loved_ several times under her breath. It was a silly thing to do, and she'd hated doing it at first, but Rosalie was right – it helped. Bella blew out a deep breath and placed her hand over Edward's. "I hit my head and blacked out," she continued, pointing to her scar.

Edward was reminded of the way she'd shut down on him the first time he noticed it. _Another piece of the puzzle._

She tried to continue, but the words made her stomach twist and her chest constrict. She had put a name to it in the police station. She had spoken, _at length_, with Sue about it. She didn't have it in her to say it again – not to Edward. She looked at him pleadingly, willing him to read her mind.

Edward understood the rest. He squeezed Bella's hand, restraining the urge to clench his fists.

Bella sighed gratefully. The sun had set; the sky looked bruised with its muddy blues and purples. "When my dad got home, he found me as James had left me – unconscious, half-dressed, vomit and blood everywhere. I was in a coma for a day, in the hospital for three, and left with some bruises and stitches, a sprained wrist, two broken ribs, and a concussion."

Her words slammed into Edward like a freight train, and his heart felt like it was going to collapse in on itself. In a dark corner of his mind, he wondered, idly, how difficult it would be to kill a man.

"Wait - broken ribs?"

Bella met Edward's gaze. "He kicked me while I was on the floor." That part never really bothered her, for some reason. She guessed it was because really, that's the kind of guy James was.

"A few weeks after it happened, Charlie gave me that pepper spray and told me to carry it around with me always." She looked at Edward apologetically.

"I heard him talking to Jake's dad on the phone that night, saying that he wished he'd known I'd lost my pepper spray – he would have replaced it sooner. He felt responsible for what happened. But I knew exactly where my pepper spray was — in my duffel bag, under the bed, the whole time."

Edward took Bella's hand in his. They looked into each other's eyes for a long moment. Much was communicated between them - love, appreciation, acceptance, apologies, promises.

He wanted to scoop her up and hold her against him and swear to God that no one would ever hurt her again. But every cell in her body was screaming that she did not want to be pitied or rescued. Bella wanted to be brave, beautiful, and strong. And she was. God, she was. If she gave him half a chance, Edward would show her how much she amazed and inspired him, and would happily spend the rest of his life worshipping at her feet.

A crisp breeze cut under the pier and made Bella shiver. Edward let go of Bella's hand, rubbed his face, and stood. He pulled Bella up next to him easily, then folded up the blanket and placed his arm around Bella's shoulder. She leaned into his chest, exhaustion settling over her like a thick cloud. Edward placed a tender kiss on her temple and led them back to the car.

x – x – x – x – x

When they pulled up to Bella's loft, neither seemed to want to say goodnight, so Bella invited Edward up. In the loft, she kicked her shoes off before grabbing a couple rootbeers out of the fridge and sitting next to him on the futon.

Edward took the soda distractedly. She had left out a very important part of the story, and Edward needed to hear the rest. "Bella, what happened to James?"

Bella opened her soda and took a long drink. "Um, my dad worked it so that they got him to plead out. He was sentenced to four years."

"Four years for rape and attempted murder?" Edward was shocked.

Bella bit her lip and looked down, pulling on her sleeves again. "I didn't want to testify. I didn't want anyone to know." She made eye contact with Edward briefly, then looked down again. "The DA convinced him to plead out to Assault with Force Likely to Cause Great Bodily Injury."

Edward shook his head, unsatisfied. His tone softened as he framed his next question. "Did you ever see anyone, get help with this?"

Bella nodded. "Charlie sent me to a counselor in Port Angeles. Jake drove me, twice a week, all summer long. Then it went to once a week, and then we moved to Los Angeles." She shrugged and brought her knees up to her chest.

He scooted closer to her. She leaned into him and laid her head on his chest. When he wrapped his arm around her shoulder she sighed; it felt like home. Edward stroked her hair absently for a while, listening as her breathing slowed, and felt her body relax against him. He thought she'd fallen asleep, but she suddenly shifted off his chest and looked up at him.

"I started going again."

"Going to what, love?"

Bella looked embarrassed, though Edward couldn't figure out why. "I started seeing a therapist again. In April. I go twice a week."

Edward concealed his enormous grin by pulling her in for a hug. He felt immense relief at hearing this, and was suddenly overcome with emotion. He placed his hands on her face and brought it to his, pausing only for a second before pressing his lips to hers.

Bella returned the kiss, softly, slowly, leaving her hands against Edward's chest. His heartbeat under her fingers was comforting; in that moment, she could almost believe the last nine months apart had never happened. Her heart fluttered with the hope that maybe they had a chance after all.

It occurred to her how late it was and she pulled away. "Edward?"

"Yes?"

She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "I don't want to be alone tonight."

Edward found himself six kinds of excited by those words, but quickly scolded himself. Now was _not_ the time to embrace his inner horny bastard.

He looked into her eyes. She looked shy and tired. And still, absolutely gorgeous. Edward realized he would never get used to the sight of her. She would never cease to take his breath away. How did he ever stay away from her for so long? Ever so lightly, he brushed the backs of his fingers along her jaw where the street light shone through the window, illuminating her skin.

"Can you stay? I mean, stay the night? Will you keep me company?"

Edward's fingers made another pass along Bella's jaw, and he smiled. "Of course."

Jake walked in the door around 1 a.m. to find Edward, fully dressed, asleep in the futon next to Bella. He lay on top of the covers, his arms wrapped around her snoring, blanketed form. She looked more peaceful than she had in months. He decided to pass on the noisy shower, tiptoeing to his mattress in the corner of the loft and crashing almost immediately.

He was awoken several hours later by the sound of the shower. Still a little bit drunk, it took Jake a moment to find his bearings. He rose just as Bella exited the bathroom in old gray sweats and a Mariner's t-shirt, her wet hair wrapped in a towel. She saw him sitting up and grimaced, realizing she'd woken him up. Jake waved dismissively and beckoned for her. She crossed the room quickly.

"What are you doing here?"

"Going fishing with Quil in an hour." He rubbed his face sleepily, then dropped his voice to a suggestive whisper. "So, McDreamy is spending the night now, huh?"

Bella looked pensively across the open room at Edward's sleeping form. "I told him last night."

She looked back to Jake for his reaction, finding both his eyebrows raised in a silent question.

"Sue was right. I had to tell him and find out if he could deal with it." She glanced at Edward again with an expression Jake could only interpret as… _love._ "I didn't want to be alone, so he stayed with me."

"Clothes on?" Jake teased.

Bella solemnly made an invisible 'X' over her heart, and pretended to stick her finger in her eye. Jake shook his head and laughed silently.

"Hey Jake," Bella whispered seriously. "I shouldn't have shut you out like I did. I'm sorry."

"You look better. You look happy," he whispered.

Bella looked down in her lap, her smile bashful, her cheeks flushing pink. Jake laughed out loud. She whacked him on the arm to be quiet.

"I'm getting there."

"It's about damned time," he declared. "Now move. I need a shower."

x – x – x – x – x

Between Sue, Rosalie, school, and the museum, Bella kept a tight schedule the rest of the semester. Somehow, though, she managed to squeeze in time to reconnect with Alice and Jake, as well as getting in some quality time with her favorite green-eyed Volvo owner. She and Edward had several subsequent conversations about her relationship with James, Edward's time with Tanya, and what they each needed going forward. Sometimes Edward met Bella at the museum for lunch, and once a week they made the effort to go out on a real date. More often than not, however, they simply played footsie under the table while studying together at the library.

When Edward learned that Bella had turned down self-defense classes as part of her therapy, he invited her to join his martial arts dojo. They had a women's class three times a week that he was sure she'd enjoy.

"It's perfect for you, really. Your upper body is so strong now, you could easily jump right in."

"Thank you, Edward. I appreciate it. But I'm really not into the whole 'contact sports' thing. Besides, I'm sort of already working with someone."

"What do you mean 'someone'?" Edward asked skeptically. "Like a personal trainer?"

"Something like that, yeah." Bella stifled a laugh at the image that conjured - Rosalie would probably put Bella in a chokehold if she ever referred to her as her personal trainer.

Edward got a wicked glint in his eye. "Maybe you can show me the moves you've learned one of these days," he whispered, pulling Bella in for a kiss.

Bella grinned and kissed him only briefly before slapping his arms away. "You keep distracting me from my homework, Edward Cullen, and I just might." She tried to sound menacing, but it came out flirtatious. Little studying was accomplished that afternoon.

x – x – x – x – x

After finals in mid-December, school was out until the first of the year. Emmett and Edward were going home for Christmas as usual, and Edward was desperately trying to convince Bella to come with them.

"I mean it, Bella. If you don't come with me, my mother is going to make me stay at the Best Western. She won't even let me in the house. She really wants to meet you." His begging was negated by his rather infectious grin.

"I'm not sure Emmett shares her sentiment," Bella murmured, recalling Rosalie's words when they began training. "Besides, the Best Western is a really nice hotel."

Jake was in the green chair watching the Seahawks game. "Seattle is only three hours away from Forks. Charlie could come out to see you. Plus you know everyone on the rez would love to see you again."

Bella glared at Jake for his interruption, but his eyes were fixed on the game. "Thanks a lot, Jake."

"You're not going home for the holidays?" Edward asked him.

"Can't afford it. Last-minute tickets this time of year are expensive as hell."

Edward thought for a minute, and came up with a plan. "Bella, would you come to Seattle with me if Jake came along?"

Both Jake and Bella stared at Edward. "Hear me out. We could rent a van. With three guys to take turns driving; we could get there in a day."

Bella shook her head no, but he'd peaked Jake's interest. "How long of a trip did you have in mind?"

An hour and several phone calls later, Edward, Emmett, and Jake had it all arranged. Edward and Emmett would pick up the van and Rosalie, then get Jake, Bella, and Leah at the crack of dawn. They'd be in Seattle by midnight. They'd all spend Christmas Eve at the Cullens' and then Jake, Bella, Leah and Edward would drive to La Push for Christmas Day, where Charlie would meet them. They'd go back to Seattle that night and then make the long drive home on the 26th. Jake was thrilled. Bella was not.

At exactly 4am the morning before Christmas Eve, a black Ford conversion van pulled up in front of the loft. Jake and Leah had slept there, saving them a trip to Sherman Oaks. Emmett was behind the wheel and Edward got out to greet Bella.

"I can see your breath," he teased as he wrapped his arms around her, kissing her lightly.

"I'm f-f-f-freezing."

He slid the side door open for her. "Well it's nice and warm in the van, climb on in."

Edward tried to subtly redirect Bella as she went straight for the back seat. She didn't seem to realize she'd be stuck with Rosalie for at least the next four hours back there. "Um, wouldn't you be more comfortable up here, love?"

"She's perfectly fine right where she is," Rosalie snapped. Then she gave Bella a hug before scooting over on the bench. "What up, Carano? Ready to meet _mom and dad_?" Bella noticed she'd picked up on Alice's fighter nickname game and rolled her eyes. Edward and Emmett watched this interaction with confusion and wonder.

Emmett glanced at his brother, the question plain on his face: _You have any idea what's going on? _Edward's blank expression held his answer. He turned to the bosom buddies in the back. "You two know each other?"

Bella grinned. "You know how I told you I was working with someone?"

Edward's wheels turned. What was she talking about? "You mean for self-defense?"

"For the past three and a half months," Rosalie confirmed, one eyebrow raised, daring him to have a problem with it.

Edward's eyes shifted back and forth between Rosalie's cocky smirk and Bella's sheepish grin. Jake and Leah broke his gaze as they climbed into the front passenger seats. Jake glanced disinterestedly between Rosalie and Edward, then gave her a nod. "Sup, Rose." Then he slapped the back of Emmett's seat. "We're stopping for coffee, right?"

After a quick drive through Starbucks, the group was on the road. They stopped in Santa Cruz around 9am for gas and food. Jake took over behind the wheel while Leah climbed into shotgun position, and Edward took Rosalie's place in the back with Bella. He wasted no time beating around the bush.

"When… where… I'm confused." He pulled off his beanie and ran his fingers through his bed head, trying to picture his brother's harpy girlfriend doing anything nice for anyone… ever.

Bella glanced endearingly at Rosalie, who winked back. She leaned into Edward's side and smiled. "That's because you don't know her like I do."

x – x – x – x – x

With more than a fair amount of driving over the speed limit and very short stops along the way, they pulled up to the Cullen home just after midnight. The house was lit up with led-lit wreaths, and armies of potted poinsettias lined the walkway. The interior of the house was just as lavishly decorated.

"I feel like I'm in Macy's," Leah laughed. "This is amazing."

"Thank you, dear! I do love Christmas. May I show you the rest of the house?" Esme led the girls on a tour while Carlisle gathered the guys in the sitting room. Having been on the road for twenty hours, however, there was little chitchat that evening. Soon Esme showed each couple to their rooms for the night.

The hostess with the mostest was up bright and early Christmas Eve, preparing Belgian waffles and coffee for eight. When it came time to exchange gifts, she shocked Bella, Jake, and Leah with something special for each of them – a large spa package in Beverly Hills for Leah, a new motorcycle helmet for Jake, customized with a bronze image of his tribe's symbol on the back, and a very expensive lens and accessory kit for Bella's digital camera.

Morning quickly turned to afternoon, and as everyone scattered around the house, Bella found Esme cleaning up the remains of brunch in the kitchen.

"Can I help, Mrs. Cullen?" Esme turned to find Bella loitering in the doorway and fidgeting with the sleeves of her sweater.

"Bella, dear! I'm about done, thank you. But I would love some company. Come in. And please, call me Esme."

Bella slid onto a barstool at the island. "The attachments for my camera… that was very generous. Thank you so much."

Esme smiled. "I've heard you're quite the talented photographer. In fact, I hope I'll get to see the photos you took this morning." She sighed. "I haven't been able to get my boys in front of a camera since high school."

"I got some good shots," Bella replied shyly.

"Wonderful!" Esme finished loading the dishwasher and hung up her apron. Then she walked around the island and stopped in front of Bella, taking her hand in between her palms. Esme gazed at Bella so affectionately, she could have been Edward in that moment. It was unnerving.

"I want you to know that am so glad I finally got to meet you. And I'm very glad Edward has you in his life." Bella blushed, which amused Esme greatly. "He's different with you, you know. Happier. Not like he was with – "

"The Cling-on?" Emmett interrupted, strolling into the kitchen with Rosalie in tow.

"The golddigger," Rosalie suggested. Bella raised an eyebrow in question. Rosalie formed a capital 'T' with her hands, and Bella nodded in understanding. Tanya was Edward's ex… sort of. She knew Rosalie hated her, but didn't ask why, deciding the less she knew, the better. Edward had already told her more than she really wanted to know about their just-sex-turned-stalker-non-relationship, in the interest of full disclosure. She tried not to think about it – it just led to obsessively comparing her socially awkward 5'2" frame to the supermodel he walked away from.

"Don't be mean," Esme scolded lightly. "Anyway dear, I am happy for you two and delighted you're part of the family." She patted Bella's arm and swatted at Emmett before exiting the kitchen. Emmett opened the refrigerator door and Esme called down from upstairs. "Don't you touch those hors d'oeuvres, Emmett Cullen!" He laughed and closed the fridge, wandering back toward the living room.

Rosalie slid into Esme's empty stool and bumped shoulders with Bella. "How's it going?"

Bella let out a long breath. "I'm a little overwhelmed."

Rosalie nodded. "This place is a palace, isn't it? It's like this every year."

"I'm afraid I'm going to break a $10,000 collectible figurine or something."

Rosalie laughed. "I haven't seen any of those. But if there is one, and you did, they wouldn't even care. Carlisle and Esme are two of the kindest, most loving people I've ever met."

Bella bit her lip and lowered her voice. "What did Esme mean when she said I'm part of the family?"

"She said the same thing to me when I first came home with Emmett for the holidays. And they have treated me more like a daughter than my own mother ever did. They love me because Emmett loves me." Bella looked confused, and Rosalie shook her head teasingly. "I have no idea what _you_ see in _him_, but Edward is completely crazy about you, Bella. Can you not see that?"

x – x – x – x – x

Christmas dinner at the Cullens' was as extravagant as a wedding reception, and Bella watched it unfold, wide-eyed. She'd never seen such a production for a family gathering, or felt so included in such an intimate affair. She remained quiet most of the meal, just trying to absorb it all. It was extraordinary.

They turned in early, knowing four of them had a long drive the next morning. Esme tried to be hip, assuming each couple would want to share a room. When they got upstairs the first night, Edward had quietly offered to move to his old bedroom to give Bella her own space, but she declined, unwilling to exile him to the first floor. Still, he could tell she was uncomfortable, so he'd slept over the covers. He laid out his blankets over the comforter again tonight while Bella changed into sweats and a tee.

She soon emerged with her travel bag and her clothes wadded up in her arms, frowning at the extra blankets. Edward hurried to her side. "I'll go downstairs. It's no big deal."

Bella shook her head and stared at her boyfriend imploringly. "Please don't go."

He watched with alarm as Bella's eyes filled up with tears. "What's the matter, Bella?" He embraced her in a hug, kissing the top of her head.

"I'm okay," she murmured a moment later. "I'm okay." She began to form an excuse for her emotions, but thought the better of it. She pulled away and sat on the bed. "I'm nervous about tomorrow. I lived in a small town, Edward. Everyone knows what happened. And my father's best friend is the chief of the tribe, so everyone on the reservation knows what happened, too. I don't know how I'm going to get through the day."

"You don't have to," Edward answered, sitting beside her. "We'll get through it together."

He offered her his hand, and she took it gratefully. Tears threatened to fall again, but for a different reason. Her heart swelled. She didn't deserve this man.

She knew she wouldn't get any sleep tonight, and wished like hell she had a couple Xanax to get her through the next 24 hours. Sue's words crept into her mind. _Be strong enough to ask for help._

"I don't blame you if you'd rather sleep in your old room than with a weepy sullen girl… but will you lay with me?" She pulled back the comforter, showing him she meant _under_ the covers.

Edward gave Bella a kiss and stood. "I'll get my pillow."

x – x – x – x – x

Bella must have dozed off in Edward's arms, because she barely blinked and it was morning. She put on the outfit she'd worn for Thanksgiving, her movements mechanical. While Edward showered she did her morning meditation, and when she came downstairs she found Rosalie sitting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee.

"What are you doing up?"

Rosalie shrugged nonchalantly. She wasn't going to tell Bella she'd been up half the night worrying about her trip today. "Just wanted to see you off."

Bella smiled. "Got any plans today?"

"I've never really seen downtown Seattle. Emmett and I are going to do the tourist thing for a while, then have dinner with his parents."

Edward entered the kitchen to find Rosalie and Bella sitting side-by-side. He ignored Rosalie, as he always did, kissed Bella, and pulled a coffee mug out of the cupboard. Suddenly ignoring her didn't feel right. He paused, turning around. "Morning, Rosalie."

She smirked and opened her mouth to say something snide, but Bella's raised eyebrow shut her down. Instead she took the high road. "When are you guys leaving?"

"Soon as Jake and Leah come downstairs," Edward replied quietly. They came down five minutes later, and Rosalie walked them out.

As Rosalie expected, Bella started to panic in the driveway. Edward climbed in the van, and Bella spun around to face Rosalie. "What if it's too awkward with my father? What if all anybody wants to talk about is all the stuff that happened? What if_ I run into his mother_ in town_?_ _Or his sister?_" she whispered frantically, her eyes glassy with tears not yet fallen.

Rosalie grasped Bella's shoulders tightly. "Stop." Bella sucked in a breath and held it.

"Repeat after me," Rosalie instructed firmly. "_'I am strong and safe and loved_._'_" Bella stared blankly for a moment, but the look on Rosalie's face told her very clearly that she was not playing around.

"I am strong and safe and loved," Bella repeated feebly.

"'_I am not a victim.'_" Bella repeated the sentence. "_'I can handle anything that comes my way.'_" Bella repeated the sentence with a heavy sigh. The corners of Rosalie's mouth turned upwards. "_'I will quit whining and get in the van.'_"

"I will quit – hey."

Rosalie chuckled lightly. "Go. Be positive, be brave, have fun. See you when you get back." Bella gave her friend an appreciative hug and hopped in the van, sliding the door shut. Jake drove to the reservation with Leah riding shotgun. He spent most of the drive filling her in on his family and friends. He couldn't wait to get home to show her everything. Bella sat quietly in the back seat next to Edward, gripping his hand tightly. Edward drew small comforting circles on her hand with his thumb, replaying her affectionate interaction with Rosalie in the driveway. Maybe Bella had been right; he was definitely starting to see a different side of the Princess.

x – x – x – x – x

Charlie and Billy were sitting out on the porch in parkas when they arrived around 10am. Charlie had his feet up on the railing, unconvincingly trying to look like they hadn't been waiting outside all morning for the kids to pull up. Charlie jumped off the porch the second Jake killed the engine and whipped open the van's side door. Bella squeezed Edward's hand tightly. "I'm right here," he whispered into her ear.

Her feet moved like she were wading in quicksand, but she eventually made it out of the van. Charlie barely let her feet hit earth before grabbing her and hugging her fiercely. Jake introduced Leah and Billy, and Edward stood in the yard awkwardly as Bella remained trapped in Charlie's embrace. Tears streamed down her father's face; Edward looked away, embarrassed. Jake nodded to Edward, gesturing for him to follow. He introduced Edward to Billy and they went inside where it was warmer.

Charlie knew he should get her out of the cold, but he couldn't bring himself to let go. "I love you, Bells. I missed you." Bella was caught completely off guard by the deluge of emotion coming off her father, and it was a bit frightening. She'd never seen anything like this in all the years he raised her.

He released her after a long moment and wiped his eyes hastily on the sleeve of his coat before looking around to find that the rest of the party had moved inside. Charlie gave Bella a quick once-over; a charcoal pea coat and black boots were all she had to protect her from the 30-degree air.

Similarly, Bella shoved her hands in her pockets and looked up at her father. He looked thin, his hair was grayer and needed a trim, and his eyes were red like he had been crying. Charlie cleared his throat. "Let's get you inside."

Christmas in the Black family was different than it was in the Cullen household. For one thing, aside from a freshly-cut tree draped in lights and hand-strung popcorn, there were no decorations. Second, there were no gifts. The focus was very simple; food, music, and time with loved ones.

Several members of the tribe came over with their families for a traditional Christmas dinner, each bringing a dish to share. Ham, potatoes, salad, vegetables, pie… none of it as fancy as Esme's delicious meal, but a feast in its own right.

The sun made an appearance early in the afternoon so Jake and his friends took Leah, Bella, and Edward down to First Beach. Bella, of course, had seen it hundreds of times, but Edward and Leah were impressed with the rocky shore and beautiful cliffs. They built a small campfire for warmth, and they skipped stones and exchanged embarrassing stories about Bella and Jake until it was time for dinner.

Later, the adults gathered around the kitchen table. Charlie watched the kids – and by kids he meant 20+ year-old adults – play some rock band video game on the TV. He barely recognized Bella. She looked so grown up. She looked stronger, too – not so frail, not so afraid. He wondered how much of it had to do with that boyfriend of hers. Charlie had to admit he was impressed with the kid - he jumped in with both feet today, integrating himself pretty well with a house full of people who'd known each other for twenty or more years. He liked the way he looked at Bella, too – like she was the only person in the room, and the only thing that mattered.

That piece of shit rotting in prison sure never looked at his girl that way. Why didn't he ever see that? Charlie berated himself for the thousandth time. Billy caught him and smacked him on the arm. He shook his head, speaking low enough that the kids wouldn't overhear. "Focus on the present, my friend. She's happy now. Look at her."

Billy, too, had been watching the pair all evening. Leah was as comfortable here as a duck in water, but Billy wasn't really worried about Jake. He knew his son would find his way. No, he'd been anxious to learn whether Bella's choice in boys had improved in the past two years. _Because if not, there's plenty of woods to get lost in,_ he thought. A smart-ass California kid could go for a hike and _never return_.

Billy never said as much to Charlie, but he blamed himself for what happened to Bella. Her skittish movements, her anxious demeanor – he knew something wasn't right. She would look at the time sometimes and bolt out of the house mid-sentence, suddenly desperate to get home. She lost her sense of humor, she clung to Jake. But he'd heedlessly written it off as normal teenage angst. What did he know? He'd never had girls.

Around this kid, though, her face lit up. She smiled every time he looked at her or touched her even slightly. She showed him every place she and Jake had ever trekked on the reservation that morning, and leaned into him not only for comfort, but seemingly for balance as well. That girl had fallen in love and found a soft place to land.

x – x – x – x – x

Charlie was disappointed how quickly the day flew by. Before he knew it, they were standing to leave. Charlie made his way to Bella and placed a hand on her shoulder. He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I'm sure you want to get going with your friends and I know it's freezing outside, but uh…"

Charlie had never been a man of many words, but his apparent anxiety made Bella nervous. "What is it dad?"

"I just need a few minutes before you leave. Will you come out to the porch with me?" Bella glanced warily at Edward, who simply squeezed her hand and offered an encouraging smile. She turned to her father and nodded, and he led her out the front door.

She'd been afraid of this – she had a feeling he was holding something back all day. If he had news about James, Bella preferred he just come out with it. "What's wrong? Is he getting out of prison? Is his family harassing you? What's going on?"

Charlie grimaced. "No, Bella. It's not – he's in prison. Everything is fine." He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to find the words. Bella watched him anxiously.

"I just… wanted to see… how you're doing."

She let out the breath she'd been holding and looked down at her feet. "I'm okay, Dad."

"You look good," he said softly. Then he shuffled his feet and scratched the back of his neck. He was no good at this. "So… how's that self-defense class coming along?"

Bella gave him the general rundown of her sessions with Rosalie, and Charlie was admittedly impressed. He asked about therapy as well, though Bella was a little more vague with her responses in that respect. Charlie didn't need to know everything. It was enough that Sue knew.

Charlie sat down in the rocking chair on the porch, leaned forward and looked into his daughter's eyes. "Are you happy?"

Bella peered into the living room window where Jake and Edward were laughing and wrestling playfully. Jake was much bigger than Edward, but Edward's martial arts skills made it a fair match. Leah was leaning against the sofa, watching with amusement while the rest of the guys whooped and hollered. Bella couldn't help but grin every time she laid eyes on him.

"I'll take that as a yes."

"I'm okay, Dad. You don't have to worry."

Charlie sighed. "Of course I have to worry – I'm your father. And I'll probably spend the rest of my life worrying twice as hard to make up for when I didn't worry nearly enough."

Bella cringed. "Dad –"

Charlie waved dismissively. "Don't. We both know it's true. I didn't protect you like I should have."

The guilt started in Bella's gut and radiated throughout until it burned all the way to her fingers and toes. This is exactly what she told Sue would happen in their last session before this trip. She felt guilty that he felt guilty – because she never told him what was going on. He would have helped her if she'd let him, but she said nothing. Now look how many people had hurt because of it.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

The screen door swung open, barely missing Bella's arm. She moved out of the way as Jake, Leah, and Edward came walking out, with Billy rolling up behind them. Leah bent down and kissed Billy's cheek. "Thank you for a wonderful time. It was so good to meet you."

"I'm glad you came to visit, Leah." He turned to Bella, his tone more serious. "You too."

Bella gave him a meek smile and a nod. Charlie rubbed his hands on his face and stood abruptly. "I'll walk you guys to your car."

Jake opened the driver's side, keys in hand, then stopped. "You want to drive back, Edward?"

He looked at Bella, then Charlie, and shook his head. Charlie gave Bella one last hug before shaking Edward's hand. "Nice to meet you, Edward. I hope I see you again."

"Thank you, sir." Edward nodded and climbed into the van behind Bella. She curled up against him on the bench seat. As Jake drove away, he considered asking if Bella would like to just drive through Forks, to show Edward the town, but thought the better of it. One look in the rearview mirror told him she'd had enough for one day.

She melted into Edward's chest and stared out the window, remembering the times she'd traveled down this road. The child of a small-town police officer, her whole world was the city she lived in. She very rarely left it, and then mostly as a teen, with James. The forest-lined highway was exactly the same as it had always been, but it looked unfamiliar now.

Edward wanted to ask what had upset her, but she looked too exhausted to get into it. Instead he kissed her head and stroked her hair, whispering sweet words in her ear; that she looked beautiful today, that she was a good daughter, that she was strong and brave and wonderful.

Tears threatened to fall again as Bella felt Edward's breathy words against her ear. She would never have made it through the day without him.

They got back to Seattle a little after 11pm. Bella curled up on the bed while Edward changed, pressing his pillow to her face, breathing in his scent. She wanted to thank him for his support all day. Unfortunately, she fell asleep before she got the chance. Edward found her hugging his pillow, dead to the world. He pulled back the covers and gently moved her to her side, tucking her in and kissing her forehead. Draping his arm over her, he laid next to her over the covers, and fell asleep almost as quickly.

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**Christmas with the fam! Esme love! Bed sharing! What's that smell… smells like… happiness…? It's kind of sweet, but almost… I don't know… citrusy. You guys smell that? I have a cold, I could be wrong. I guess we'll have to find out next chapter.**


	19. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: Twilight's not mine. I'm just traumatizing the characters.**

**Thanks for sticking with me through the hard parts. I know it cost me a few readers – some who couldn't relate to or sympathize with Bella's experience, and some who identified with it too much. I miss them, but I won't apologize for my work. And I'm glad you guys are still with me. I have gotten some amazing reviews from some very sweet, clever, and funny readers, and I appreciate them immensely.**

**I could be wrong, but I think this is the chapter you guys were waiting for. ;)**

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It was another early start the next morning, and after packing the van and a quick round of goodbyes, Emmett and Rose took the front while the others tried to sleep for a while in the back. They got back to the house so late, none of them had gotten more than four hours sleep. Leah and Jake reclined the captains chairs and crashed instantly. Bella curled up against Edward on the bench while he slept, but her mind would not rest.

"You're not sleeping," Edward murmured after a couple hours.

"Did I wake you?"

"No. It's hard to sleep in a moving vehicle." Edward sat up and swung his legs down, stretching his arms as best as he could above him. "Jake's family was really cool. I had a good time yesterday," he said with a yawn.

"Yeah, they're great."

"You want to talk about it?" Edward wrapped his arms around his girlfriend and pulled her in for a soft kiss. Bella shared her conversation with Charlie and the guilt that she still carried. Telling him, however, made her see the situation differently, and she decided to talk to Sue about it in their next session. She was tired of the weight of it.

When they stopped for gas in Oregon, Rosalie asked Edward to switch seats. He took a turn driving with Emmett riding shotgun, and she climbed in the back next to Bella, two hot coffees in hand.

"Here," she said, holding one out to Bella. On her finger was a stunning platinum ring with a princess-cut solitaire diamond. Bella nearly spilt the drink all over herself as she gawked at it.

"Is that what I think it is?"

Rosalie's grin was ear-to-ear. "He proposed during lunch in a romantic little bistro in Seattle. Then we celebrated with his parents last night. We would've told you sooner, but you guys all looked so exhausted."

"It's beautiful, Rose."

"Thank you," she smiled, admiring her adorned finger. Then she put her coffee in a cup holder and turned back to her friend. "So, yesterday. How did it go with your dad?"

Bella sighed. "It brought back a lot of memories, but it wasn't as bad as I'd thought it would be. Really the only one who mentioned the past was Charlie. I didn't even go to Forks – we just stayed on the reservation."

"How do you feel?"

"Sad," Bella said honestly. "Guilty. But stronger than I expected. And after I talked to Edward this morning, I realized that I've accumulated a lot of good memories in the past couple years – memories that deserve just as much energy as the bad ones I've been holding on to."

Rosalie shook her head with a grin, awed at the way her friend had transformed from the girl she met just a few months ago. "You are a rock star."

Bella rolled her eyes and made a dismissive sound.

x – x – x – x – x

Jasper put his foot down for once, refusing to allow Alice to orchestrate a huge New Year's bash after their expensive Christmas ski trip. So instead, she invited Edward and Bella over. Jasper's bandmates would be out on the town all night so they'd have the place to themselves.

Edward dreaded the idea of running into Tanya in a club on New Year's, so he was especially grateful for the invite. He hadn't seen Tanya since Halloween, and hadn't spoken to her since the day after, when she called ranting and raving about seeing him with Bella. His insistence that he loved Bella and was going to make things work with her, and his apology for any hurt he may have caused Tanya, fell on deaf ears. She'd continued to leave voicemails and text messages, despite Edward's refusal to respond, until he finally blocked her number.

On New Year's Eve, Edward and Bella showed up together with two pizzas. Jasper had beer and soda chilling in the fridge, and Alice had stupid hats and the program for every New Years special on every channel.

The specials were dull and contrived, for the most part. After the Time Square ball dropped at 9pm, Jasper broke out a guitar and jammed on the loveseat while Edward pulled up a dining room chair and sang along. The drunker they got, the louder they sang, and before long they were serenading the girls. As Bella sat on the sofa with Alice, watching their boys play, she was reminded of the first time she ever saw Edward play, on Halloween. It still amazed her how much easier that night had been than she'd expected. She never actually thought he would be able to forgive her for what happened, but she couldn't have been more wrong.

At midnight, the two couples kissed while Auld Lang Syne played on the TV, and they slow-danced around the living room with their silly hats and noisemakers. As the song ended, Edward leaned down and placed his lips near Bella's ear, whispering that he loved her. She did not reply. She hadn't been able to say it back yet, and still hadn't worked out all her feelings on the issue. Regardless, she cared deeply for him, and she appreciated his words and his feelings, and she squeezed him a little tighter in response.

The problem was that she thought that she did, in fact, love Edward. But she was terrified of telling him as much, and then everything going to hell. Looking back, it seemed like the harder her father had tried to love her mother, the colder Renee became. And with James, everything changed after she confessed her love for him. He used her feelings against her; he became demanding, possessive. The shift was so gradual, so slow, she didn't notice it happening. But in hindsight, she realized that's when he knew he had her. That's when things started to go bad.

That train of thought always left her feeling guilty. She was very careful, usually, not to relate Edward's actions to James'. There was nothing similar about the two men. All the same, this relationship was too valuable to her to ruin, so she was hesitant to start throwing around the L-word before she had her head straight. Plus, what she felt for Edward was so different from what she felt for James. It was more than emotional feelings – it was a physical reaction to his voice, to his touch, to his presence in the room. It was intense, and so unlike what she'd shared with James that she didn't even really know what to call it.

x – x – x – x – x

Jake moved out in January, but he was still at the loft nearly every day, being that he worked just downstairs. He loved Leah and living with her was the best decision he'd ever made. Even still, he couldn't help worrying about Bella living all alone, and checked on her regularly.

Bella appreciated Jake's concern, and did her best to show Jake how much better she was doing than a year before. She worked with Rosalie twice a week, and exactly one year after the first time she saw Sue last April, they agreed Bella was ready to switch to just one weekly session a week.

The day that decision was made, Bella had a session with Rosalie.

"Oh, this requires celebration," Rosalie announced when Bella shared the news.

"No, no… it doesn't require anything." Bella waved her hands back and forth as if she could somehow prevent Rosalie or Alice from doing anything, ever.

"Like hell. That is huge, and I'm proud of you. You should be proud of you, too! Tell you what. I'm meeting Alice this weekend to talk wedding, maybe flip through some magazines, bounce around ideas. Come with me. Then when we're done, we can have the guys meet us at _Mouth_."

_Mouth_ was a dark, cozy bar with a small dance floor, near UCLA. It was owned by an alumni and personal friend of Rosalie's. The intimate dance floor, the funky, individualistic décor, and the very talented bartender made it her favorite place to go. Any night somebody wasn't enticing her with VIP access to a new club, she and Emmett could be found there_._

When Saturday rolled around, Bella found herself seated in a cream-colored silk damask wing chair while Alice and Rosalie flipped through six-inch thick tomes filled with everything and anything wedding-related, from gowns to napkin rings. They were in a boutique in Beverly Hills, and Bella felt acutely out of place.

"Would you like another latte, miss?" asked a young blonde in a black Chanel suit. Bella glanced at the half-full porcelain cup before her and back to the saleswoman before shaking her head and offering a tight smile.

She leaned toward the table her two friends were bent over. "I hate to be a spoilsport, but you have, like, a year to plan this stuff. Plus, won't all this stuff be out of style next Spring?"

"You're not really into all this, are you," Rosalie observed with a smirk.

"It's not really my area of expertise, no," Bella admitted.

Rosalie glanced at Alice, who was obliviously flipping through a book of fabric swatches. She closed the giant book in front of her. "I could really go for a night of dancing. Let's call the guys."

Emmett, Jasper, and Edward were out playing basketball and needed to get cleaned up. The girls, Alice decided, needed to get gussied up. So they spread out and got ready before meeting up at the Thai restaurant across the street from _Mouth_ for dinner at 7pm. Edward, of course, insisted on driving all the way to Bella's to pick her up.

They spent nearly two hours in a large booth near the back of the restaurant. Bella found herself silently observing the table more than once. Jasper wore a Beatles t-shirt and torn jeans, Emmett a black button-down, and Edward a fitted white v-neck tee. Bella was in a blue silk cami she'd borrowed from Alice, along with a black cardigan and her nicest jeans; the girls were in dresses. They were a mixed lot, to be sure. Yet they all fit, Bella thought. A casual observer would have no way of knowing that Jasper grew up as poor as Jake had; that Rosalie was independently wealthy, or that Emmett and Edward came from old money – because when they were together, all of that disappeared.

Even Rosalie and Edward had come to an unspoken truce. Their years of mutual animosity were all but forgotten. And Emmett had made a point to get to know Bella ever since Christmas. Honestly, she found that she really liked the guy. He was loud and boisterous, but he had a heart of gold and a great sense of humor. She was glad that Edward had him for a brother.

Emmett picked up the tab for dinner, despite complaints around the table. Edward just grinned and squeezed Bella's hand, silently asking her to let it go. In response, she gave Edward a sweet peck on the cheek. When they left, he held her hand as they all crossed the street and headed for the club.

x – x – x – x – x

Irina's cell phone beeped, and she read the text message, responding quickly. "They're here, T."

Tanya downed the last inch of her third Long Island Iced Tea and dropped the glass on the bar. "What's his name?"

"David. Here they come." Irina slid off the bar stool and held her arms out for the thin, tan man walking toward her and called out his name. "Noah!" She giggled as he embraced her and lifted her off the ground, kissing her.

Noah set Irina down and turned to his handsome and well-built friend. "David, this is my Irina, and her lovely sister, Tanya."

"Nice to meet you," David said to both ladies. He glanced at the bar next to Tanya's seat. "Your drink is empty. Let's remedy that, shall we?" He winked at her and motioned to the bartender. "Another one for the lady, and I'll have a Heineken."

She scooted over one stool, and David slid in next to her while Noah led Irina to the dance floor. She inspected her date while the bartender started up a tab for him. He was as hot as Irina had promised. A little short, but he was ripped, and looked like he could go all night long. Maybe this night wouldn't be a total waste of time after all.

Two drinks and ninety minutes later, Tanya was feeling comfortably numb. David wasn't much for conversation, but he had a sexy laugh and he was a good dancer. Great body, too, from what she felt on the dance floor. She and Irina took off for the ladies room while the guys ordered another round of drinks.

"So, what do you think?" Irina asked her.

Tanya fixed her lipstick in the mirror. "He's hot. I think I'll take him home."

Irina chuckled. "You're starting to slur your words. Better slow down on the drinks, sis."

They returned to their dates refreshed and ready to dance. Irina glanced at the drinks they'd ordered and thanked Noah with a kiss, then looked pointedly over her shoulder at Tanya before strolling out onto the dance floor.

As Tanya sat next to David, he ran his hand lightly down her bare arm. "I didn't want to take off while you were in the restroom, but I just saw an old classmate of mine, and I want to go say hello. I'll be back in a few, okay?" He smiled and stood. Tanya raised her glass, took a long sip, and shooed him away.

As he made his way through the crowd, she noticed how snugly his jeans hugged his luscious ass, and made a note to get a _much_ better look at that ass before the night was over. He bumped fists with a short bald bearded guy in a douchey black _TapouT_ t-shirt. After a few minutes, Tanya was bored and scanned the crowd for her date. What she saw made her see red.

She slid off the bar stool in a rage, drink in hand, and stormed across the crowded dance floor, pushing people out of her way. "What the fuck?"

x – x – x – x – x

Rosalie entered _Mouth_ first, waving to a bulky Hispanic guy behind the bar and leading her friends to a huge round booth in the corner of the dance floor. Bella could see why Rosalie chose that booth; it was dark and out of the way but still central to everything in the joint – without getting up, you could keep an eye on the bar, the DJ booth, and the dance floor. It was only a little past 9pm, but already the place was crowded, and there was plenty to see.

A server in a black tank top and tight black slacks showed up as soon as they were all seated. "Hey Rose," she said. "Nice dress. Celebrating something?"

Rosalie winked at Bella. "Just our beautiful lives, Maggie."

Maggie smirked at Rosalie and nodded toward her and Emmett. "You guys want the usual?" Rosalie nodded, so did Emmett. "Okay. And for the rest?"

Alice ordered a fruity martini. Jasper and Edward ordered some kind of microbrew Bella had never heard of. When it was her turn, she looked blankly at the server. Just as she was about to shrug and order a Coke, Edward murmured in her ear. "May I suggest a drink for you, love?" Bella nodded gratefully. "A Midori Sour for the lady, please."

The server nodded and headed off to fill their order. "What is a Midori Sour?" Bella whispered in Edward's ear.

"It's a cocktail – sort of a citrus-melon flavor. It's sweet and has very little alcohol."

How well he knew her. That's exactly the kind of drink she would have ordered if she'd had any idea what it was. She squeezed Edward's knee in appreciation.

The drinks came quickly. Edward looked at Bella expectantly, hoping he ordered the right thing for her. She'd never acquired much of a taste for alcohol, and didn't like the feeling of being intoxicated around other people. Edward knew this, and Bella hoped he hadn't underestimated the alcohol content in this bright green concoction. She took a hesitant sip and sighed with relief. "It's perfect. I'll have to remember this drink," she said quietly. Edward kissed her, but was interrupted by Emmett raising his bottle in a toast and demanding they get out on the dance floor. The others piled out after him, leaving Bella and Edward cuddled up in the big booth, watching.

Bella was surprised with the guys. Emmett was big. Really big. Too big to be graceful, or so she thought. But he and Rosalie looked choreographed, so fluid and synchronized were their movements. And hard-rocking, Camel-smoking Jasper looked more the type to head bang than grind up on his girl, but there he was, Alice in his arms, giving Emmett and Rosalie a run for their money. She'd never seen her friends like this before, and she rather enjoyed this side of them. As the evening wore on, the dance floor became too crowded to see their friends, so Edward and Bella turned their attention on each other.

By the time the DJ was spinning a dance remix of Morphine's _Eleven O'clock_, Bella was all but in Edward's lap. Their touches were heated, their kisses amplified by the beat of the music. Edward's hand rested on Bella's side, just below her breast, and he was having a hard time keeping it in control. Bella wasn't helping the situation at all; one hand was snaked in his hair, gripping it roughly, and the other was pulling him so close they were all but sharing her sweater. Until they were interrupted, that is.

Over the roar of the crowd, breaking the spell the two lovebirds were under, came a furious voice. "Get your hands off him, _bitch_."

Startled, Bella turned toward the voice just in time to see liquid flying at her. She closed her eyes reflexively and felt the icy wetness as it splashed on her face and chest. Bella gasped, speechless, and blinked several times before she was able see who threw the drink on her.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Edward roared at the angry, wobbling strawberry-blonde. He was torn – a very dark part of him wanted to knock that smug look off her face. But Bella was the one who deserved his attention. Six tiny cocktail napkins were not going to absorb very much of the drink she was now wearing, but he wasn't about to leave her alone with Tanya to go searching for a towel, so he made do with what he had.

"What the hell is wrong with _me?_ What the hell is wrong with _you?_ And why are you still wasting your time with _her?_" Tanya seethed at Edward and pointed at Bella.

"I am so sorry," Edward whispered as he leaned in close to Bella and wiped at the sleeve of her cardigan. Bella took a napkin as well, wiping her face and neck. She smiled tightly and shook her head, wanting to convey that she was fine, but not trusting herself to speak.

Edward then turned his attention to his drunken stalker. "Tanya, we've already had this conversation. I love Bella, and she's who I want to be with."

A small crowd had begun to gather around the booth. Unbeknownst to Tanya, that crowd included her date and her sister. And Rosalie. Tanya barely acknowledged their audience before turning her attention, and her rage, to Bella. "He doesn't belong to _you._"

Bella's heart was racing. The crowd gathering around the booth was getting bigger, and every fiber in Tanya's being was crying out for a physical altercation. And just behind her, Rosalie was watching the drama unfold, waiting expectantly for Bella to respond. Talk about pressure. She tossed the soaked napkins onto the table and took a deep breath, letting it out quickly. She glanced at her beautiful boyfriend, whose expression was wary at best. Then, with all the courage she could muster, she looked Tanya right in the eye and willed her voice not to waver. "Edward doesn't belong to _anyone_. But it sounds like he's made his choice."

Edward grinned from ear to ear. He leaned in to kiss Bella's temple. "Absolutely," he murmured. In a bold and possibly foolish move, Bella placed her hands on Edward's face and gave him a short but possessive kiss. Tanya took a step closer to Bella's side of the booth. _Okay, definitely foolish._ Bella squeezed Edward's hand tightly.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Rosalie's low but authoritative voice was accompanied by a secure grip on Tanya's wrist. When Tanya attempted to yank her hand away, Rosalie applied pressure points and leaned in, her lips just inches from Tanya's ear. "You're never going to be a Cullen, psycho. Now walk out of here and leave them alone. Or I will walk you out." She twisted Tanya's wrist so hard she cried out in pain, then let go. Tanya stumbled to the bar for her purse and dragged her wide-eyed sister out the front door.

The crowd disbursed and Emmett slid into the booth, pulling Rosalie in beside him. "My girl, Chuck Norris."

Rosalie put a fist out to Bella, who looked at it questioningly for a moment before bumping it with her own. "You stood your ground, girl." She gave Bella a nod she'd come to recognize as Rosalie's approval. Bella grinned.

"Okay Gracie, shall we get you cleaned up?" Alice led Bella to the ladies' room.

Alice took one look at Bella under the bright restroom lights and declared the top a lost cause. They returned just a few minutes later. Edward stood and reached for her. "So, I think we should go," she said with a rueful smile. Edward nodded. They said their good-byes, leaving the rest of the group to enjoy their evening. Bella made Alice a promise to go shopping together to replace her shirt, and they were on their way. Being that his place was only ten minutes from the bar, they drove back to Edward's for dry clothes.

x – x – x – x – x

"You want to watch a movie?" Edward asked, tossing his keys in the bowl in the entryway.

"I really just want to change out of these clothes," Bella chuckled, plucking the ruined silk from her skin.

"Of course. Come on," Edward mumbled, waving at Bella to follow him upstairs. Though Rosalie had found it amusing, he was mortified at the scene they'd been party to. He apologized a half dozen times in the car. Emmett had been right all along – Edward should never have responded to Tanya's advances. It would serve him right if his stupid choices the past few months chased Bella away, and he said as much to her. However, she was inexplicably laughing the whole thing off. Why she wasn't upset, he couldn't figure out, but she always had been more charitable than him. It was one of the things he loved about her.

Reaching into the second dresser drawer, Edward pulled out two t-shirts. He tossed Bella one before pulling off his own slightly wet shirt and slipping a clean one on himself.

Bella glanced around the room. To the left of the door was a long dresser. The queen-sized bed was along the left wall, with two windows directly in front of her. On the right wall were two doors on either side of a dark wood desk that matched the furniture downstairs. She wondered if the bathroom was behind one of those doors, then realized how silly she was being. This was Edward. She could change her shirt right here. So, after a long blink and a quick mental pep talk, that's precisely what she did, suppressing a nervous giggle at Edward's surprised reaction.

He ran his fingers through his hair and cleared his throat, then tossed his wet shirt in the hamper by the window. Bella stared at the bed contemplatively before deciding to sit down. She unzipped her boots and placed them on the floor before putting her feet up, leaning against the headboard. Edward watched with amusement as she wiggled her toes happily. The dark blue comforter made her skin look like ivory, and he decided he liked Bella on his bed.

A lot.

He walked around the bed and mimicked her posture. The two of them reclined idly, backs against the piles of pillows, legs outstretched. Bella grinned to herself, basking in the moment. This never would have been possible six months ago – lying in bed with the man she loved. Hell, six _hours_ ago she couldn't even admit to herself that she loved him. But something changed for her in the bar tonight – an internal switch was flipped. She now knew without a doubt that not only did she love the man beside her, she was willing to fight for him – for _them_.

"I really feel terrible about tonight," Edward murmured with a sigh, interrupting her train of thought.

Bella took his hand. "It doesn't matter."

"It could have been so much worse if Rosalie hadn't strong-armed her out of the bar. Do you realize that? You could have been hurt and it would have been my fault. How can you say it doesn't matter?" He turned his head and looked deeply at her, his brow furrowed in frustration.

Bella turned her head toward him calmly, and smiled. "Because I love you."

Edward's brow relaxed, his eyes wide. The smallest beginning of a smile was creeping up the corner of his mouth. "You do?"

Bella nodded.

"You love me?"

Bella grinned. "I love you."

Edward reached for Bella and pulled her toward him until their bodies touched. He reciprocated her love with a kiss that took her breath away.

One kiss turned into two, and two became three, and then Bella was in Edward's arms, their legs entwined, making out like a couple of high school kids. Her hands roamed over Edward, mapping his body: his defined arms, his hard muscular back, his sculpted abs, his scruffy jaw, the perfectly round shape of his skull.

Edward migrated to Bella's throat, licking and nibbling his way up to her ear. He used the sounds of her sighs and moans to direct him, careful not to put too much weight on her. When she dragged her fingernails over his scalp, he shivered in pleasure, instinctively pressing his erection into her thigh.

"Edward?" Bella asked breathily. He froze momentarily before lifting up, intending to move off her completely. He hadn't been thinking. He should have known better.

Bella rolled her body towards him and placed her hands on his hips, holding him where he was. "Edward," she repeated.

He started to apologize, but her heavy-lidded eyes made him think twice. He brushed his lips across hers lightly. "What?" he whispered.

Bella took a deep breath and tightened her grip on Edward's hips, steadying her nerves. The whole thing with Tanya tonight had really been a blessing – it put the spotlight on their relationship, and made Bella see what she'd been refusing to acknowledge before. The physical attraction had always been there, but she'd forced it into the background. She'd spoken with Sue many times about "the feasibility of a physical relationship in the confines of a loving relationship," as she'd described it, but it was something Bella barely let herself entertain half-heartedly, until recently.

For some reason she knew, though, without a doubt, that tonight she wanted that. With Edward.

_How to bring it up, though?_ That was the question. _To hell with it – be bold, Bella! _With a bashful but flirty grin, Bella looked into Edward's eyes. "Do you… have a condom?"

Edward stiffened above her, confused and a little stunned. "What?"

Bella bit her lower lip nervously. "I asked if you have a condom?"

Edward studied her face for a long moment. "Baby, I don't understand."

Bella rolled them over so that her body lay next to his, and she kissed his lips, his jaw. When she got to his ear, she kissed it. "I want to be with you tonight."

Edward's body reacted intensely at those words. His jeans became instantly tighter, for one thing. His heart beat a little faster. But it also held a phantom ache, in remembrance of the last time he let his dick think for him around his girl. Pained by the memory, he sat up on the bed, running his fingers through his hair.

Bella sat up too, a little surprised. It hadn't occurred to her that this would be a hard sell. Weren't guys always ready and willing? One look in Edward's face, though, showed her the emotional rubble she left him with over a year ago, and she understood his reaction. She placed his hand between hers. "Tonight I realized how much I've been holding back – from you, from life. But I trust you. I love you. And I don't want to hold anything back anymore."

"Bella – " He paused, at a loss for words. In truth, he had wanted to hear those words for a long time, and physically, he was _more_ than ready. But now that the opportunity was here, literally being handed to him, all he could think about was the way he had mishandled it the last time, everything she'd been through, and whether she was as ready as she thought she was.

"Stop thinking." She spoke softly, leaning in to kiss him.

"Are you sure about this?"

"Edward, I love you. I'm sure." With that, she lifted her borrowed t-shirt off up over her head and tossed it on the floor. It didn't take long for the rest of their clothes to join it.

They explored each other like curious teens. Edward's movements were slow, tentative. Bella's were clumsy, unsure. But with encouraging words and communicative sounds, they worked it out.

Edward remained fixed on Bella's face the entire time, encouraging her to talk to him. He wasn't going to let himself make the same mistake twice. He told himself this was about Bella, not him. They would explore as much as she was comfortable with, and at the first sign of her stress, that would be it. Little Edward stood in protest, but Edward ignored him… until a heavily panting Bella wrapped her thin cool fingers around him and maneuvered her body directly under his.

He tore his eyes away from the image of her hand on his cock long enough to look in her eyes. Her lower lip wedged between her teeth, she nodded. Edward reached into the bedside table drawer for a condom and put it on.

"I love you." Edward could hear those words a thousand times, and it would never get old. Lying between her legs he positioned himself, watching her cautiously. She held her breath and stiffened slightly, her expression telling him she wanted this but she was scared. He hesitated.

"Edward, _please_."

He stalled. Then he got an idea. He kissed her lovingly and rolled them both over, scooting up towards the headboard. In this position, Edward was reclining against the pillows and Bella was on his lap, straddling his hips – in the driver's seat, so to speak.

She was confused by this position. "I don't… I don't know what to do," she confessed.

"Just breathe," he whispered, and guided her hips until he was at her entrance. He paused again, watching her carefully. Bella let her eyes fall shut and bit her lip as she slid down on him, hearing Edward mumbling somewhere in the background. She had mentally prepared herself for the pain, but there wasn't any. It just felt… _full,_ and a little uncomfortable. She exhaled shakily.

Two hands slid up to her waist. "Where are you?" Edward asked.

Bella thought about that for a second. Then she opened her eyes and looked into the concerned face of the man she loved, and a smile lifted the corners of her mouth. "Here," she whispered. "I'm here."

Edward grasped her face and kissed her less gently than he intended. She felt amazingly tight around him. He guided her hips with his hands, raising her up slowly, and then back down. Bella quickly picked up a rhythm of her own, sliding her hips back and forth in long, slow strokes.

As he watched her, it hit him just how much trust Bella was giving him in this moment, offering her body to him like this. His love for her already made this experience more intense than other sexual encounters he'd had, but understanding all that she had to overcome just to be able to have this moment, it was humbling and a little overwhelming. Edward ran his fingertips lightly over her skin – up the thin, pale hands that were splayed across his chest, over her arms, across her shoulders, grinning when she shivered from his fingers ghosting over the smooth skin of her back. She arched her back and whispered his name, her breaths becoming as shallow as his.

The trail left by his fingers left Bella's skin hot and electric. His touch felt amazing, and the sweet, earthy smell of him had never been stronger to her. The cautious hope in his eyes when she told him she wanted him really illustrated the amount of patience and understanding Edward had given her. She felt inordinately fortunate to have found this man. Emotion poured from her as she slowed her rhythm to trace his smooth skin as he had traced hers.

Edward's eyes fell shut as he relished the sensation of her hands on him, grateful that she'd slowed her movements. He didn't think he could hold back much longer with the sensation of both at once. As her fingertips traced his jaw, he moaned softly, his eyelids fluttering open. One look at her face, however, and he sat up completely, throwing Bella balance off.

"Bella?" he asked worriedly, wiping tears from her cheeks.

She shook her head, trying to find the words to explain what she was feeling. Wrapping her legs around Edward's back, she pressed herself flush against him and kissed him fearlessly. He responded with equal passion, his tongue finding hers. When she pulled back, his expression held a question – _where are you?_

"Right here," she whispered, smiling through her tears. She placed his palm over her heart. "I love you so much."

Edward was relieved, to say the least. He lifted Bella slightly, repositioning himself at her entrance, and wrapped one arm around her back as she lowered herself and began to move against him. Before long her movements picked up speed and they were both breathing hard. Edward's sweaty chest felt slick against hers and his kisses along her neck were burning hot. But deep inside, seemingly from her very core, she felt like she was unraveling. It scared her.

Edward felt her tighten around him; she was close. He lifted her chin, wanting to watch her come. She met his eyes, but she looked anxious. "Edward," she whispered.

He nodded, then kissed her. "You're close, baby. Breathe." Edward gripped her hips and took control of the movements, thrusting harder and faster. Bella dug her nails into Edward's shoulders, crying out as the tension built up in her core and then exploded, radiating throughout her body. Edward followed her over the edge moments later.

After the necessary clean up, the pair lay on the bed side-by-side, Bella's face resting on his chest. Her eyes closed, she listened to his heartbeat as it slowed to its normal rate. Edward stroked her hair softly. She moaned in appreciation and looked up at him.

"Hi," he said softly.

"Hi."

"How do you feel?" he asked.

Bella considered that. She felt happy, relaxed, relieved, grateful, loved, and in love. She sighed contentedly. "I feel like a noodle." Edward chuckled.

x – x – x – x – x

It was a beautiful August day – 85 degrees, no clouds. That was rare for Forks, and Victoria leaned against the trunk of the blue Toyota, her eyes closed, face pointed toward the sun.

"Nice car," she heard someone call.

Victoria blinked, focusing her sight on the tall metal gates topped with barbed wire. Her brother, wearing an over-sized white t-shirt and black sweats, exited from those gates. Two armed guards stood on the other side, watching him stroll toward her. He was barely recognizable with his shaved haircut and straggly blonde beard.

"Mom gave it to me when I enrolled in school," she answered when he got close enough. He glanced at his old car; a Peninsula College parking sticker was stuck in the back window.

"That's good, I guess." He walked around to the passenger door and got in.

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**More like lemon frosting than a lemonhead, huh. And winter, spring, summer all in one chapter - tell me that's not efficient. LOL.**

**Can't wait to hear thoughts on this chapter. ::Cough::**

**Two more chapters to go. You know I love you guys... ;)**


	20. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: Twilight's not mine. I'm just traumatizing the characters.**

**Thank you, Ms CVG and Louise Clark, for your great feedback and mad beta skills. :)**

**Also, for everyone who's read, alerted, favorited, or reviewed this story... I see you, and I thank you.**

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Victoria drove right through Forks and kept going. "Uh, Vic, can we stop at the house first, so I can change and clean up before I see my parole officer?"

"Mom moved."

James furrowed his brows, confused. "Why? I mean… why?"

Victoria took her eyes off the road long enough to look at her brother like he was a complete moron. "You know, I got six months for that shit you had me pull at the cop's house," she snapped. She took a deep breath and shook her head. When she spoke again, her calm, neutral tone had returned. "She had two kids locked up for hurting Forks' favorite police officer and his sweet angelic daughter. She was a villain. She lost her job at the market, and she couldn't show her face in town. She had to move to Port Angeles."

"She never told me," James said quietly.

"Well, you know now."

Silence filled the car as they drove down the highway. Victoria kept her eyes on the road. James sighed.

"So… when did you start going to college?" he finally asked, attempting to make conversation.

Victoria shrugged. "I had to get my GED first, and it took me a while to sober up. This is only my second term."

"You're clean?" James inspected his baby sister. She definitely wasn't the wild teenager he remembered. He supposed that was a good thing.

"Almost a year."

"That's good, Vic," he said sincerely. "That's really good."

"What about you?" she asked, glancing at him again. "You clean?"

"What?"

"Mom's gonna ask."

"How would I get hooked up – crackhead delivery service?" he asked incredulously. Christ, he'd been locked up for three years!

"Don't act like you can't get shit inside if you want to. I'm not stupid."

"I'm clean," he insisted.

"Gonna stay that way?" She wasn't looking to argue with him, but she wanted to know what they were really dealing with, now that he was back home. It was his meth addiction that sent this family spiraling down into the shit situation they were in, after all. Not that she was an innocent party – she just didn't want to see their mother suffer through that again.

"Things are different now," he answered defensively.

Victoria sat in the car out front while James met with his parole officer. He came out an hour later with a few papers and a pissed off look on his face. She started the car with a heavy sigh, and he climbed in without saying a word. They pulled up to their mother's apartment a few minutes later.

It was a six-unit building with chipped paint, missing window screens, and rusty security doors. There was an old Dodge on blocks in the back of the parking lot and weeds popping up through the cracks in the pavement.

Victoria caught her brother inspecting the place with distaste. "Rent costs more here, and she's had trouble finding work."

James just nodded and followed Victoria into the apartment. Their mother, Sasha, walked from the kitchen to embrace him.

"Glad to have you home, Jimmy," she murmured into his neck.

"Thanks, Ma."

Sasha released her son and took a good look at him. He looked healthy, not too skinny. A little more muscle, maybe. No weird jailhouse tattoos, like she'd read about.

James inspected his mother, as well. She'd never come to visit him, only sent letters with no return address. More so than his sister, Sasha had changed dramatically in the time he was gone. Her dark blonde hair was showing signs of gray around the temples. Her eyes, once as blue as the sky, were faded and bloodshot. Her shoulders sagged and her feet shuffled sluggishly.

"Well," she said with a heavy sigh. "I'm just starting supper. So you make yourself at home for now, and we'll talk later, okay?"

"Actually, I'd like to shower and change." He paused and looked around the tiny apartment for any sign of his belongings. He didn't see any. "Do you still have my things?"

"Of course, baby." She gestured for him to follow. In her bedroom, the _only_ bedroom, he found three boxes stacked against the far wall. "All your stuff's in those. Bathroom is just right there, help yourself."

Sasha returned to the kitchen while he looked in the boxes, finding little more than clothes. There was no sign of his CD collection, his video games, or cell phone – just clothes, shoes, his pillow and alarm clock, and a plastic grocery sack containing his old razor, shaving cream, brush and deodorant. He looked around the room, and then out into the living room. No sign of his television or stereo, either. He had nothing.

Angry about this discovery, he grabbed the bag of toiletries and some clothes and locked himself in the bathroom for an hour. He felt worlds better though, after a long, private, hot shower and shave. James found his mother and sister seated around the kitchen table, coffee mugs in front of them. He poured himself a cup and joined them.

"You look nice, Jimmy." His mother's voice was as tired as her smile. They sat in awkward silence, only the sound of the refrigerator and his mother's gospel radio station playing in the background. That was one thing he _hadn't _missed – his mother's constant need for religious music.

"How do you feel?" Sasha finally asked. "You know, about everything." Her eyes shifted to her cup as the meaning of her question settled over the table.

"Uh," James stalled, surprised by the question. "I don't really know, I guess. Just glad to be…" he looked around the shabby apartment before finishing his sentence, "…home."

"I know it's not much but you can stay here 'till you get on your feet." Sasha glanced at her daughter, who gave her a small nod of encouragement. "Maybe, maybe you can go to college, like Vicki? If you want to go to school, I'll pay for it."

James scoffed at her offer. "Ma, how're you gonna pay for me to go to school?"

A mix of pride and anger flashed across Sasha's exhausted face, and she slammed her hand on the table. "I said I'll pay for it."

James' shoulders hunched, and he suddenly found the pattern on his Olympic Bank coffee mug extremely interesting. After a few minutes, he looked up to find her doing the same thing with her mug.

"You really lost everything, didn't you?" he asked quietly. He glanced at his sister; she looked as guilty as he felt. One look at his mother, though, and he knew he was right. Her face held a sadness that made his chest ache.

"It's gonna be okay," she answered after a moment. "We're all gonna be okay. Just… promise me something, will you? Please?"

James raised his brow.

"Don't look back. Just… just move forward. Okay?"

"What are you saying, Ma?"

She sighed. "I'm saying leave the Swans alone. Both of you." She looked pointedly at Victoria, who hung her head.

"I'm sorry, Mom," she whispered across the table.

"Ma!" James exclaimed.

"I'm serious, Jimmy. Let this nightmare be over and behind us. Promise me you will leave that family be."

"Okay, Ma," he answered carefully.

"Okay." Sasha sipped her coffee until the oven timer buzzed. Supper was ready.

x – x – x – x – x

Victoria shared an apartment near campus, and drove home shortly after dinner. In _his _car. Feeling bad about giving his car away, Sasha loaned James her car for his first day of work, offering to taking the bus to the diner she worked at. He reported to the logging company at 9am sharp. His dick of a parole officer, in addition to requiring weekly drug tests and promising random visits for the next eleven months, had demanded he meet with some asshole named Lou for a job this morning. So much for freedom.

"You James?" asked a tall, ugly bearded guy.

"Yeah."

"Curtis tell you what you'll be doing?"

James shook his head. Lou chuckled and waved for James to follow. "Of course not. Come on, I'll show you around."

Fucking janitor work was not what he had in mind when that son of a bitch Curtis said he had a job lined up for him. If he thought James was going to mop up piss and empty cigarette bins 40 hours a week he was out of his hippy-ass mind.

He needed to find a job on his own, fast. He drove home at the end of his shift, immediately hopping online to search for jobs. The internet connection was so fucking slow he wanted to throw the monitor out the window. Couldn't she even afford DSL, for fuck's sake? When the results finally came up, James was dismayed to find everything in the area required either experience, a background check, or both. He was screwed.

For some reason he thought of his buddy Mike. Mike's old man owned a sporting goods store. Surely Mike could put in a good word, get him a job.

When Sasha got home, James was sitting at the kitchen table with a beer. "How was your first day on the job?"

"It was great," he lied. "Can I borrow your car tonight?"

Sasha blanched. "You just got… home," she said carefully. "Let me fix you something to eat. Spend the evening with me." She forced a warm smile, hoping he wouldn't press the issue. She had a gut feeling; she knew where he wanted to go – to see those junkie friends of his. He didn't need that kind of temptation right now.

"I'm not hungry. You gave me a key, and I'll be quiet when I come home. I'll be back in plenty of time for you to take the car to work."

Sasha braced herself against the back of the sofa and shook her head. "No, Jimmy."

James stood abruptly, his face flush with anger, and stepped toward his mother. "Why not?" Sasha took an uneasy step back.

"What do you think I'm gonna do, Ma?" He took another step toward her. "I've got no money, no phone, no fucking _belongings,_" he spat, waiving a hand toward the bedroom that held his three small boxes of property. "I just spent the day wiping down urinals, and I want to go out for a few hours and unwind."

"Your parole officer came by the apartment a week before you were released," Sasha said quietly. She took two more steps back, effectively putting the sofa between her and her son. "You can't be in Forks while you're on parole."

_Goddamn that fucking prick PO!_ He cocked his head to the side until his neck cracked, and looked his mother in the eye, his face expressionless. "Who says I'm going to Forks?"

"Jesus, Jimmy." Sasha flopped down tiredly into the kitchen chair parked in front of her old computer. "Where else are you gonna go? You think I don't know about your greasy-haired buddy Tyler, supplying you with drugs? Or that Mike used his parents' money to finance your addiction?"

James' nostrils flared at his mother's insinuation. "So because I want to let my friends know I'm _alive_ and see how they've been for the last _three years_, I'm automatically going to get high? Is that what you think of me, Ma?"

Sasha clutched the gold cross around her neck and closed her eyes in brief prayer. Then she passed him, pouring herself a tumbler of gin in the kitchen and turning on the gospel radio station. "You can't take my car, and that's the end of it."

x – x – x – x – x

Three years hadn't changed his mother's liquor tolerance. Two hours after their argument, she was passed out on the sofa, gin in hand. James took the car keys and $65 cash from her purse, and left.

It took him no time to find Mike in the bar at the edge of town.

"Well, I'll be damned," Mike slurred. "You're alive!"

"Surprised?"

Mike grinned like an idiot. "I knew you'd be back. Welcome home, brother."

James leaned in and spoke quietly. "Hey man, strictly speaking, I'm not allowed back yet. Can we maybe catch up, _somewhere else_?" Mike slapped James on the back with a smirk and led him out of the bar.

An hour and a half later they were sharing a bottle of Jack in Mike's apartment – or more accurately, his parents' basement – when Tyler showed up.

"Holy shit, man. I thought Mike was fuckin' with me. How the hell are ya?" He gave James a half-hug, half-backslap.

James slammed another shot of Jack. "Well, my PO is an asshole, my sister's become a self-righteous bitch, my mother's a paranoid drunk, I don't have a fucking thing to my name 'cept a box of clothes, and I'm not legally allowed in my own goddamn hometown. Other than that, I'm fucking beautiful, man. Just trying to catch up on three lost years of drinking."

Tyler gestured at a chuckling Mike to pour him a shot. He downed it and then turned to James. "I know what you need." He pulled a black leather pouch from his jacket. Inside were a sack of marijuana and several small baggies of white crystals.

"Shit, yes. Line it up," Mike demanded excitedly.

James watched Tyler cut and line up three lines of tweak. His friends went first. The third line sat alone; James hesitated. He got clean; he was done with this. Right?

"Don't tell me you don't miss it," Tyler murmured in his ear.

Hell yes, he missed it. He missed everything about the life he lost three years ago. His home, his stuff, his friends, his freedom, even his fucking bitch girlfriend who had him arrested in the first place. He missed the euphoria right after intake, the clarity of his mind, and strength and aggression that coursed through his veins.

He tossed back another shot and snatched the straw from Tyler's hand, tearing up as the powder burned its way up his nostrils. Five minutes later, he was on top of the world, wondering why he ever hesitated. This was exactly what he needed.

"So you're really not allowed in town?" Mike asked as he plugged in the Xbox. James shook his head.

Tyler cut up and snorted another line. "That bitch leaves town with her Indian boyfriend, and you _still_ can't come around? That's some fucked up shit."

James saw red. "What?"

Tyler spun around the room, pinching his nostrils together and cursing, so Mike elaborated for him. "Swan went back to grave shifts that winter – word on the street was it was because he didn't have to baby-sit Bella anymore."

Tyler nodded. "I sell to a few kids on the rez. Her and that big one, Jake, packed her POS truck up like they were the goddamn Clampetts and went to California. He went to work for some tribe member in Culver City."

James sat on Mike's filthy burlap sofa for several minutes, his mind racing as he contemplated what he'd just been told. His shaking knee kept rhythm with his rapidly beating heart. After Tyler killed Mike's character on the screen, they broke for a round of shots.

"Hey man, you alright?" Mike handed him a filled shot glass warily. He'd seen that face before; the party was officially over.

James' eyes were black with rage, but his voice was eerily calm. "I need to use your computer."

x – x – x – x – x

Irina curled up sleepily in the papasan and watched her sister pace back and forth across the living room of the condo they shared. "Would you sit down? You're making me dizzy."

Tanya was drunk, as usual. She'd overheard Charlotte talking about Alice's help with the Cullen wedding, and was angry they hadn't been invited to the engagement party tonight.

"Our families have been friends for, like, thirty years. How can they snub us like this?"

Irina let out a scornful chuckle. "Oh, this is about mom and dad? It's _their_ feelings you're worried about?"

The memory of Edward and Bella sucking face in that bar taunted her. "This is all because of that bitch," Tanya murmured.

Irina yawned. "Right. It has nothing to do with _you_."

Tanya glared at her sister and poured herself another screwdriver.

"God, enough with the booze already!" Irina pulled herself out of the chair and snatched the glass from her sister's hand, then poured it down the sink. She sat Tanya down at the small bar in their kitchen. "We're not invited because _you_ acted like a crazy bitch, and Emmett and Rosalie don't want you within 1,000 feet of them. If anybody has a right to be pissed, it's me. I'm guilty by association."

Tanya leaned against her sister's belly. "We're so good together. We were great."

"He doesn't love you." Irina's voice was soft but firm.

"He will."

"He won't."

Tanya pushed Irina away, her eyes filling with tears. "Why _not?_"

Irina sighed and wrapped her arms around her drunk, weepy sister. "Because you're not _the one_, T."

"It's not fair."

"I know, honey."

x – x – x – x – x

The engagement party, held at a beachfront hall in Malibu, was by far the most elaborate event Bella had ever seen. Exotic flowers, crystal chandeliers, expensive champagne, three live singers… just an intimate gathering of 300 of Emmett and Rosalie's closest friends. She'd heard Emmett tell Edward the wedding guest list more than doubled that number. Rosalie wore a pearlescent vintage party dress that hit just below her knees, which she looked stunning in as she twirled around the dance floor with her equally handsome groom-to-be. Throughout the evening, Alice pointed out dozens of Rose's celebrity friends, some of whom were big enough for Bella to recognize on her own.

She had half a glass of champagne when Carlisle toasted the couple-to-be, but drank water the rest of the evening so Edward could drink freely and enjoy himself. Rose's father had died in a military training accident when she was sixteen; Carlisle made the father-of-the-bride toast in his place. It served as further evidence of the love the Cullen family had shown her over the years – she was already their daughter. After the toasts, Edward and Emmett both danced with their mother, and Carlisle danced with Rosalie.

After Emmett and Rosalie absolutely owned the dance floor to the tune of a hot swing number, Edward begged Bella out onto the dance floor for a slow song. She was awkward and uncoordinated, but Edward pretended not to notice, twirling her around the floor in a smoky gray gown. It couldn't have been more perfect for her if it had been custom made – a deep v in the chest, accentuating her perky bustline, sleeveless to show off her fantastic shoulders and collarbone, and it fell to the floor, so no one could see that she was actually wearing ballet flats and _pants_ underneath. He chuckled, remembering how hard he laughed when she'd shown him earlier that evening. It was perfect, truly. Anything that made her happy was fine with him.

Bella's gown truly was very simple – just a jersey dress with a ruched bodice and a floor-length A-line skirt, trimmed with a thick band of beading at the waist. It literally felt like a t-shirt. But it was still a dress - the first she'd worn in a long time… three years and two months, to be exact. Alice had a hell of a time convincing her to buy it when the girls went out shopping for this event. Understanding Bella's resistance, Rose had nonchalantly suggested she wear leggings underneath, which caused Alice to just about have a heart attack right there in the store. The horror! Oddly enough, that's what made Bella agree to buy it. She just kept telling herself she was in a long t-shirt and leggings.

Alice whirled around the dance floor to their left in above-the-knee jade chiffon she'd designed herself, in the arms of a very handsome Jasper in a black-on-black suit. To their right, Emmett and Rosalie moved side to side, their arms wrapped around each other and eyes locked like there wasn't another soul in the room. It occurred to Bella that in three short months, Rosalie would be a full-fledged Cullen. She was ashamed, and surprised, by the jealousy that made her feel for her friend.

"Why the long face, my love?" Edward murmured in her ear.

Bella hugged her beautiful boyfriend and smiled at him, unwilling to share her thoughts.

"You look absolutely stunning this evening."

Bella laughed softly. "I think you may have mentioned that. Thank you."

"Well, it's even truer now than the last time I said it." They kissed, and then he twirled her away from the center of the dance floor.

"Do you realize," he whispered in Bella's ear softly, "all too soon, that lethal, sparkly woman over there will be related to me?" Bella giggled at the description of Rose, and Edward breathed in her laughter like it sustained him. "It seems unfair." He sighed dramatically.

Bella took the bait. "What's unfair?"

"_She_ will be more related to me than _you_." Edward slowed their movements to almost a stand-still, watching Bella's reaction intensely.

A guilty grin threatened to surface, but she gave him no visual reaction. "You know, you have a point there, Mr. Cullen."

"There will be an odd number of Cullens at Christmas."

"That's true."

"I hate odd numbers." He pouted for effect.

"I know." Bella bit her lip, trying to contain her grin. _He must be more tipsy than I thought._

"Maybe someday, we might remedy that."

Bella's heart came to a complete stop for two beats, and then began to race. "How so?" she choked out.

"Well, if your last name was Cullen, there would be an even number again."

_Bella Cullen. Mrs. Bella Cullen. _Images of little auburn-haired children playing on a swing set just like the one her and Jake played on as kids flooded her mind… and she liked it_. _Bella's lungs threatened to collapse. _Calm down, girl. He's just teasing. _She managed a believable shrug, deciding to play along. "I don't know… my name would have a whole extra syllable." She made a face.

Edward laughed and pulled her in tighter. "I could become a Swan."

"You already are a beautiful swan."

Edward feigned insult. "Did you just call me _beautiful_?"

"I call you beautiful all the time, in my head."

"That's funny, because I call you beautiful, all the time, in my head, too."

Bella bit her lower lip. "You do?"

"And other things. I love you, Bella."

"I love you, too."

"You are my life," he whispered, so quietly Bella couldn't be sure she heard him right.

Edward's expression became serious, and he peered into Bella's eyes as though her were trying to read her soul. "I want to take you away for the weekend."

"Right now?"

"After finals. In September. A quiet, romantic weekend in Catalina, just you and me."

Though the breeze coming through the open French doors was warm, Bella's arms broke out in goosebumps. He seemed to be saying more than he said. _Yes! Say yes!_ The voice in her head cried out, but she could find no words. She could only nod.

As the song came to an end, Edward kissed the love of his life and thanked her for the dance before leading her to their table. At the next table, his brother caught his eye. He raised a brow in question, subtly nodding toward Bella. Edward would have liked to play it cool, but he'd had way too much alcohol. Plus, he was entirely too relieved about the way that conversation on the dance floor had gone. He grinned like the fool he was – a fool in love. Emmett shook his head and chuckled, knowing exactly what Edward had planned for Catalina.

They left the party after midnight. Though the sun was long gone, it left its warmth behind in the breeze that rustled the palm trees overhead. The valet was quick to bring around Edward's Volvo, and Bella drove them back to her loft. She knew he'd ask if she wanted to come to his house instead, not being a fan of her futon. But she wanted to at least change out of the dress and into real clothes, and find her cell phone, before she drove all the way to Bel Air.

She parked next to her truck and got out, not waiting for Edward to stumble around to the driver's side to open her door. Both tires on that side of the truck, she noticed, looked flat.

"Edward."

He strolled lazily around the car, coming up behind Bella and wrapping his arms around her waist. He nibbled on her ear teasingly, making her giggle.

"Quit it. Look at my tires."

Edward tore himself away from Bella's throat just long enough to glance at them. "I'll take care of them in the morning. Right now, I just want to get you upstairs." He threaded his fingers through her lush, wavy hair, grinning that sexy crooked grin she was powerless against. He tilted her head and kissed her, his intentions apparent.

_Mmm, maybe we'll be utilizing the futon tonight after all. _Bella could taste the liquor on his tongue. "I might get drunk just kissing you," she teased.

"I always get drunk on your kisses."

Bella rolled her eyes. "Oh, that was very smooth, Mr. Cullen."

Edward chuckled. "I thought so."

"Come on, let's get you upstairs before you get any smoother." They climbed the steps rather noisily – Edward couldn't keep his hands to himself, and Bella couldn't bring herself to be all that bothered about it. It was a Saturday night, after all – in an industrial part of town. It's not like there was anyone around to hear them.

Edward took his keys from Bella to unlock her door. He'd been so touched when she gave him a key to the loft, he used it whenever possible. Unfortunately, the key wasn't working tonight. The lock was stuck, or something. Frowning, he looked at Bella's purse. "Let me see your keys."

Bella pushed on the door and it swung open. "No, you got it."

He knew he hadn't, though. The key hadn't turned. Something felt very off.

He grabbed Bella's wrist as she entered the loft. "Bella, wait."

Through the meager light coming through the windows, Bella's saw a dark shape on the floor behind the futon. It looked like… a body.

"Jake?"

* * *

**OMG, I'm such a bitch! I know. It's okay. I like me this way. So, who/what's behind the futon? How did it/he/she get there? Why? And HOW am I going to answer all those questions in just one chapter? That's right, folks – there's only one more to go. (Plus an epilogue and maybe an outtake or two.) You ready for the finale?**


	21. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer: Twilight's not mine – it's Stephenie Meyer's. Duh. I own nothing, except this really cool desk lamp I bought last night at Ikea for like $4. Now I can write in the dark. Woot! **

*******WARNING***** I really hate warnings. But I gotsta, for the few who may still be inexplicably clueless as to how I do. I don't want to ruin it for you… but remember that disclaimer I put in the actual story notes in the beginning? That's cause I knew this chapter was coming. M'kay then.**

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Bella raced toward the body. Edward closed the door and followed.

"I know him," she whimpered, her terrified voice laced with confusion. "I know him." Bella stared at the body, her hands shaking violently. The moonlight filtering through the window illuminated a pool of dark liquid around his head.

Sticking out from behind the futon, Edward could see shoes too small to be Jake's. He had trouble making his way through the loft in the dark, however, and tripped on the corner of the green chair. "Ow, shit. Where's the light?"

He turned, feeling around for the floor lamp. He didn't see a thing before falling to the cement floor, a searing pain radiating from the back of his skull. The light came on just before he slipped into darkness.

"Edward!" Bella screamed. The lamp came on, illuminating a shirtless figure beside her fallen boyfriend. Shocked, she stared at the stranger, who held a large wrench in his hand. His light hair was cut extremely short, and he had two or three days of reddish-blond stubble on his face. For a moment he just stood there, watching her inspect him. His eyes, shadowed by the angle of the lamp, looked bruised and hollow. When she took a frightened step backward, he cocked his head to the left and smirked, amused.

A gasp of recognition resonated through the open space. Her voice lost to fear, Bella's greeting was but a weak whisper. "James."

"Aww… that's not happiness to see me." He stepped around the fallen Edward and toward his disturbingly beautiful and well-dressed girlfriend. So different was she from the last time he'd seen her, he might not have recognized her either, under different circumstances.

Bella continued to back up, afraid to take her eyes off her intruder for a second. But she found herself pinned between him and the body lying behind her, and glanced back at it, looking for a safe place to step.

James followed her gaze with disinterest. "You remember Tyler."

x – x – x – x – x

Victoria sat at her mother's kitchen table, one knee bouncing nervously. "How long has he been gone?"

"He left sometime last night." Sasha slumped into the chair across from her daughter and wrung her hands in her lap. "I had to get to work. I was hoping when I got home this afternoon, he'd be here."

"But he never came back." Victoria's voice was flat, emotionless. She already knew the answer.

Sasha dabbed at the corners of her eyes with a soggy Kleenex. "There's something I didn't tell you, on the phone." Victoria's eyes shot up to hers in question; what else he had he done?

"The grocery money was in my purse yesterday. It's gone."

"Shit." Upset or not, Sasha wasn't about to let the foul language slide, and shot her daughter a disapproving glare. Victoria sighed. "Sorry. So, what do we do?"

Sasha blew her nose and set the wasted Kleenex on the table. Then she picked up the cordless phone on the table and dialed. When the call was answered, her voice was shaky but clear. "I need to report a stolen car."

Victoria's knee picked up momentum and she chewed on a thumbnail. They'd have to call the parole officer next, she decided. The bus didn't run on Sunday; she'd probably have to drive Sasha to work tomorrow, too. A shiver ran up her spine as a scary thought occurred to her. "Mom?"

Sasha was on hold, and put the phone on her shoulder. "What?"

"Should we… do we need to call Officer Swan?"

Sasha's eyes widened, and she swallowed the lump rising in her throat. After a moment's thought, she shook her head fitfully, denial written all over her face. "No. No, no, we don't know where he is, Vicky. We don't know. We can't assume he'd…" Tears flowed again as her hollow defense of her son hung in the air, unfinished.

x – x – x – x – x

Leah was folded up in the passenger seat of her Saab, her bare feet on the dash as Jake drove up the 15 freeway from San Diego. She tapped her toes to the rhythm of the stereo, her heart light after seeing her grandmother on her 90th birthday. Jake's mood was equally buoyant, having finally met Leah's family. He loved them; they were as much fun as his family back home.

Jake's phone rang as they entered Riverside County. He turned down the music and glanced at his screen before answering.

"Hey, Charlie."

"Jake. I can't get a hold of Bella. She's not answering her phone." He sounded distressed.

"Well, she's at a party."

Charlie grunted in frustration. "Can you try the boyfriend? Edward?"

"Sure, sure," Jake answered carefully. "I'll call him and call you back."

Leah looked concerned. "What's up?"

"Charlie's freaking out because he can't reach Bella." He dialed Edward, but got his voicemail. He left a message, giving Charlie's number, and called Charlie back.

"Guess Edward can't hear his phone either. I left a voicemail. But I'm sure she'll call you back tomorrow." He heard Charlie sigh heavily. "Charlie, is everything alright? Is there something I can do for you?"

"Jacob." The somber tone of Charlie's voice got his attention. Jake exited at the first off-ramp he came to, pulling over abruptly.

His stomach flipped as he imagined the few possible reasons for what he and Bella had always referred to as 'the cop-voice'. "Let me have it."

"When I got home from fishing, there was a message – from a buddy at Corrections. Marsh was released two days ago."

Jake sat upright and shot Leah a panicked glance. "What? How? No, it's too soon!"

Charlie sighed; his reaction had been the same. Mel was a guard at the prison, and a long-time friend of Charlie's. He'd kept an extra close eye on James, and was surprised and a little pissed when he came in to work and found out James had been released. After hearing the message, Charlie returned Mel's call immediately, demanding to know what the hell he was talking about. There was still eleven months on the sentence! That's when Mel told him about the early-release paperwork for twenty inmates, including Marsh. Charlie had never been notified.

"Some crap about early release due to over-crowding. He met all of the qualifications for early parole – model inmate, completed required counseling. Twenty inmates went home Thursday without a notification letter to the victims." The admin clerk at the Corrections Department, rattled by an enraged Forks police officer, had apologized profusely and insisted the letters were going out on _Monday_.

"Fuck." Jake rubbed his face with his free hand. "Okay… where is he now?"

"I haven't been able to reach his PO, but his mother moved to Port Angeles. I have no authority to keep tabs on him." Jake heard a loud boom in the background and Charlie curse under his breath. "I just need to get a hold of Bella. Maybe she can stay with a friend for a few days until I locate him and talk to the PO."

"I'll find her, Charlie. I'll tell her."

"Let me know when you do."

Jake hung up and gave Leah the short version, jumping back on the freeway. Normally picky about the way he drove her car, she said nothing about his flagrant disregard for the speed limit as they raced toward the loft.

x – x – x – x – x

Bella leaped over Tyler's still legs, a strangled sob catching in her throat. She moved backward, toward the tiny kitchen and bathroom. James followed slowly, taking his time, watching her gown flutter around her legs with great amusement. She circled the futon and kicked off her shoes by the bathroom. Once James was a safe distance from Edward, she dove for him, shaking his shoulder gently and speaking his name.

He lay face down on the floor, unmoving. Though they blinded her, she couldn't stop the tears from flooding her eyes and streaming down her face. She stroked his auburn hair, whispering apologies and begging him to wake up. Her fingers felt wet; she lifted them to find her hand smeared with blood. Abruptly, Bella vomited onto the floor.

James loomed over her, annoyed. "Why is it every time somebody gets a little bump on the head, you puke?"

She looked up dizzily. James stood behind the light, and it illuminated his eyes. They were bloodshot, but the same hard, cold shade of blue she'd dreamed of for the past three years. Her nightmares had finally come true. "I knew you'd come back," she said, more to herself than to him.

James tilted his head to the side, a familiar gesture that, paired with his voice, made Bella want to vomit all over again. "You miss me, baby?"

Was he serious? She couldn't tell, but shook her head anyway. "How did you find me?" she asked, surprised by the placidity of her voice.

"Not that many bike repair shops in the city, and only one with a tribal emblem as the company's logo. Nice website, actually." He closed the distance between them with one step, lifting her by her hair and dragging her past Tyler again, to the brick wall opposite the front door. He pressed his overheated body against her, eyeing her cleavage lecherously.

He smelled rancid and sweaty, his breath soured by stale cigarettes and cheap whiskey, and she gagged. "They told me you came here with that Indian bastard," he said calmly. Too calmly. "Tell me, did you even wait for my cell to slam shut on me before you went running to him? Hmm?" Sliding his hand down Bella's thigh, James grabbed a fistful of dress around her knee and hiked it up.

"You've really got everybody fooled, don't you." It wasn't a question, and he didn't need an answer. "The cops, the town, hell, even my own mother. Poor little Bella's big bad boyfriend hurt her." His tone became mocking. "She would never provoke him, she'd never cheat with the goon she spends _all her fucking time with_. They bought it all. But I knew better. I knew."

He nodded his head toward Edward, who was still sprawled out behind the green chair. "And who the fuck is this guy, anyway?" Bella's tranquil façade crumbled then, and she wailed, calling out Edward's name. She shoved at James' chest, trying to push him away. He ground his hips into her in response, pressing her arms against the wall. The jagged bricks scratched and dug into her skin.

James rocked his hips; Bella could feel his arousal through the thin jersey of her dress. His fetid breath was hot in her ear. "You get rid of the Indian like you got rid of me? Trade up for a rich California boy?" His voice got increasingly louder with each accusation. "Ruin my life and then move on and start a new one for yourself? How ambitious of you.

"You may be dressed like a high-priced whore, Bellarina, but you look the same to me." He let got of her hands, weaving his fingers into her now-tangled hair, and sniffed her head. She still smelled like sweet strawberries, a scent he'd recalled and jerked off to many a night behind bars. His voice became husky. "You smell the same to me."

Bella flashed back to the night of graduation; James had come up behind her that night, and sniffed her hair. The memory made her stomach clench and her head spin. As his grip in her hair tightened painfully, she thought of one morning in May she'd spent with Rosalie. Sliding her hand between her hip and his groin, she cupped James, letting him rock against her once with an approving moan before she squeezed him as hard as she could through his baggy jeans, twisting until her own wrist cried out at the strain.

James let out a stream of rather high-pitched expletives, folding over in pain and covering his groin with both hands. Bella scrambled away from the wall, tripping on the hem of her dress, and then Tyler's shoe. She began to cry, violent wracking sobs that left her breathless and shaking, fearful of a panic attack. Through her watery eyes she spotted her cell phone on the coffee table near Edward, and ran for it.

"Fuck!" she screamed at the device in her palm. The battery was dead. It occurred to her to make a run for it just before James snatched the phone out of her shaking hands. He tossed it across the room before backhanding her. She barely registered the sound of plastic shattering over the stinging fire spreading across her cheekbone.

"What the fuck did you do that for?" he spat.

Clutching her face, shivering and breathing so hard she was light-headed, she evaluated her situation. She was alone with a psychopath, with no way to get help. A casualty to her left and possibly another behind her, she was convinced she was going to die tonight. Inexplicably, Bella forced herself to breathe. With all the bravery she could feign, she wiped her tears and looked him in the eye. "Just get to the point, James. What do you want?"

It was only then that she realized he was holding a knife in his hand – and it wasn't one of hers. He limped toward her, waving it in her face.

"I just got out of _prison_, Bella," he sneered. "I wanted to taste freedom. Go on a road trip, see old friends. Kill the motherfucker who stole my girl. Seek vengeance for the three years of life I lost when you cried wolf to Officer Daddy."

Bella scooted backward and stood in one swift movement; a move she vaguely remembered Rosalie teaching her months ago. She glared at James, furious. "Cried wolf? You _raped_ me and tried to kill me!" She shuddered a heavy breath, amazed at her nerve. The adrenaline coursing through her veins felt like six cups of coffee on an empty stomach, but more euphoric. She stood up to him. No matter what he did to her now, she had faced him and called him out. Too bad she'd never get the chance to tell Sue.

James, however, shook his head in agitation. "That's such bullshit! I just got a little carried away, that's all. You completely overreacted, in typical Bella fashion."

"You left me for dead."

He waved the knife around agitatedly, his face scrunched up in an angry grimace. "I was high as fuck. I was confused. That was a long time ago, Bella. Fuck."

His red-rimmed eyes tried to look everywhere at once, the skin on his arm was scratched raw, and he hadn't stood still for more than a minute since she walked in the door. It seemed to Bella that some things never changed.

He lunged toward her with his free hand, trying to grab her, and she flinched, backing up against the closet door. Her heart was pounding; it was hard to focus on anything. What should she do? What would Rosalie say? Unbelievably, all she could think of was the damn blackbird and the pepper spray she wished she still had.

Talk about Déjà vu.

When her gaze returned to Edward's still form lying behind the chair, hoping upon hope that he would _open his eyes_, James growled and lunged again. With nowhere to run, she screamed and blocked her face with her arms. His fist made contact with her left wrist, and she heard the crack before the pain shot all the way up to her elbow. Ignoring the knife now hooked into his belt, he wrapped his dirty fingers around her throat.

"We used to be so good together," he rasped, panting. "You remember? It was perfect. But you ruined it. You ruined everything."

His sweaty palms made it hard to get a good grip, and she tried to pull at his hands. She pushed against his chest. She tried to knee his groin. But he was too close, and too strong. Sucking in breaths when his hands slipped, she pictured Buster, all rubbery and calm, gashes and scratches and marks all over his body, some of which she'd put there herself, and cursed both Rosalie and her dummy. This was _nothing_ like fighting Buster.

Bella went suddenly limp, and James involuntarily loosened his grip on her neck as her knees began to buckle. There was no time to enjoy his confusion as she abruptly stood back up, bringing her non-broken hand to his face. With a crazed growl, she dug her thumb into his eye.

His scream was violent, almost inhuman, as he shoved her away and clutched his face. Bella coughed and sputtered, trying to catch her breath as James blinked heavily. She ran to the door in hopes of escape.

No sooner did her fingers graze the doorknob than James had her by the hair again. "Fucking whore!" He flung her back toward the closet door, her elbow slamming against is and transmitting the pain down into her broken wrist. She cried out but remained upright.

She could already see a nasty pool of red creeping across the white of his eye. It was gross, and she had to look away. "What's the matter, James?" she asked, stalling. "Not as much fun when I fight back?"

He pulled the knife out of his belt and started toward her, his left eye squinted shut. "Fight back all you want, bitch. It won't change the ending."

She dove to the right, heading for the door again, but her hair was her downfall. James tore out a huge clump, just enough still attached to her scalp for him to yank her violently backwards. She slammed backward against his chest and felt the cool metal blade come to rest on her throat.

His voice was raspy, his hot breath inches from her ear. "Tyler was looking forward to seeing you after all this time. Told Mike so." He spun them around so they faced the two bodies lying on the floor. "No idea why he broke into your place and attacked you and that dead fucker by the door. The cops'll have a hell of a time figuring out why he slit your throat."

Bella swallowed audibly, and immediately regretted doing so; the blade dug into her, the cold steel branding her flesh.

"But you have become quite the little fighter, haven't you? Before he got you, you got in one good swing to his skull – thanks for keeping a baseball bat right by the door, that was very handy – a blow which, as you can see, he dies from."

So this was it. Her heart pounded in her ears, drowning out all other sounds, and she trembled, her eyes flooding with tears. She began to hyperventilate, imagining Jake finding her body Monday morning. Alice dressing her corpse. Charlie blaming himself. Rosalie's disappointment. Esme and Carlisle's heartbreak.

One of those things, though, she could actually change. She could go out fighting and do her teacher proud. In a desperate last-ditch effort, Bella reached back and clawed at James' face, managing to hook her fingers into his nostrils. Screaming, she yanked up with all her might, and he emitted a terrifying howl.

The knife sliced her just under her chin as he pulled away, giving her just enough range of motion to throw her entire body into a knife hand roundhouse, her strike gaining momentum as she spun around. She connected with the side of James' throat with a feral cry, slumping to the ground along with him as the front door was thrown open and deep voices echoed off the walls.

x – x – x – x – x

Several minutes later, Bella watched a pair of medics carry a breathing but unconscious Edward out the door on a stretcher. Another medic had placed Bella in the green chair to look at her jaw and wrist. The cut looked much worse than it was, he said, and applied bandages. Her fingers were already turning purple under the ice pack draped over her hand, and her dress was covered in blood.

"You still need to get to the hospital and have that stitched up," he said as another stretcher was brought in for her. Bella panicked. "No! No, I want to go with Edward. I need to ride with Edward!"

"Ma'am, he's already on his way. You'll be right behind him. Please." He gestured toward the stretcher.

Jake pulled up to the garage as her ambulance was pulling out. He parked on the street and raced up the stairs. An officer stopped him at the door, refusing to let him inside.

"What happened? Where's Bella?"

The officer demanded information and identification from Jake before giving a frighteningly vague description of events. He wouldn't even tell him Bella's condition. A macabre ballet was taking place inside the loft; Jake watched with horror as windbreaker-clad men danced around blood on the floor, snapping pictures and taking notes.

Leah followed him back to the car, chilled by the scene before her. Squad cars, a fire truck, a CSI van, a black Crown Victoria with a single light on the roof... this did not look like her boyfriend's former home. This did not look like his place of work. It looked like something out of a horror movie.

"What do we do?"

Jake's hands trembled against the steering wheel. "I need to call Charlie. I have to find Bella."

x – x – x – x – x

They found Bella and Edward at a hospital just a mile from the loft. They had to wait a half hour, but Jake was finally allowed into the ER. The curtain billowed behind him as he charged through it, wrapping Bella in his arms and squeezing her before she could even say his name. He held her for a long time, saying nothing, and Bella gripped him with her good hand, sobbing into his chest.

"I thought I lost you," he whispered, kissing her matted hair before releasing her. She wiped her nose and took a deep, jittery breath.

She looked like shit – hospital gown and leggings, arms scratched up, hand mottled and swollen, neck and hair crusted with blood, bruises on her throat, eyes puffy and red, her right eye more swollen than the left. It reminded him of her last trip to the hospital, three years prior, and he had to turn away for a minute to collect himself. He shook the thoughts from his head; she was fine. She would be okay.

But Charlie would lose his mind if he saw her like this.

Bella caught him wiping his eyes with his sleeves before he turned back toward her. She adjusted the icepack on her wrist and sighed tiredly. "He came back."

Jake nodded sadly. "I know."

"He killed Tyler." Jake had no idea who Tyler was. He squeezed her hand anyway.

"I thought Edward was dead," she whispered, and burst into tears. Jake reached for her again, crushing her to his chest.

"Is he okay?"

She'd sobbed with relief when the medic found a pulse, but he hadn't seemed to respond to anything. She tried to tell herself that she'd looked bad at first, that night three years ago, but she'd survived it. Unfortunately, that train of thought brought her right back to James and what happened tonight, and her sobs renewed. "I don't know. He's here, but they won't let me go see him. They want x-rays of my hand and face."

Jake nodded. He told Bella he'd called Charlie, who was on his way to the airport, and would be here by morning. He asked if he could do anything, call anybody, for her or for Edward.

"Esme and Carlisle are on their way, if not already here. But will you find him for me? See if he's alright?" Her pleading eyes filled with tears again. "Tell him I'm sorry?"

"No," Jake moaned, rubbing her back. "No. Bells, this is not your fault. This is not your fault." She shook in his arms, and he hoped they gassed that motherfucker when they found him.

He pulled away and carefully tilted her chin up toward him. His wary, apologetic expression scared Bella. She sucked in a jagged breath. "What?"

"Where is he?"

"Edward?"

"No."

"Oh. They took him to a different hospital, they said."

"They caught him, though?" Bella nodded. Then he realized what she said. "Why did they take him to the hospital?"

She chewed her lip and shrugged. "I kind of karate chopped him." Jake raised an eyebrow in confusion. "In the jugular."

_Oh, shit._ Jake made a mental note to kiss a certain bitchy blonde the next time he saw her.

x – x – x – x – x

By the time Jake found Edward, he'd been moved upstairs. He still wasn't conscious but they had stabilized him. His parents were huddled together beside his bed when he knocked on the door jam.

They were surprised to learn that Bella was here in the same hospital. Esme cried with relief when Jake said she was all right, and left the men, going downstairs to see her. Carlisle said Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, and Alice were all down in the lobby.

When Bella was released two hours later, she practically ran through the hospital to get to Edward. Jake and Leah eventually moved to the lobby to wait with everyone else. Esme cradled Bella beside Edward's bed, and they both cried.

x – x – x – x – x

At the insistence of Esme and Carlisle, Bella stayed at the condo that night. A detective had declared her bloody dress evidence, and the shirt the hospital had given her to wear looked like something Goodwill threw away. She tossed it on the floor, digging through Edward's hamper for a shirt that smelled like him, and slipped it gingerly over her bandaged jaw and splinted hand. She crawled into his bed, but did not sleep. Instead she remembered the first time she'd slept there; it was the night she'd told him she loved him, the night she gave herself to him. The best night of her life.

She pressed Edward's pillow to her face. She focused on his scent, breathing slow, deep breaths, tuning out everything else. She didn't want to think about whether or not he was going to make it. She just wanted to remember that one perfect moment, when everything was right with the world.

She realized she'd dozed off when she awoke, just after 8am, from a confusing dream. In it, Edward was a doctor. He fixed Tyler's head, and he stitched up Bella's jaw, and when the ambulance arrived, he sent Bella away in it with Tyler even though she begged to stay with him, and they left James on the floor to die. She shook her head, trying to erase the images. Slowly, gingerly, she got up and showered, using the toothbrush and shampoo she now kept in his bathroom. The water was scalding, but not hot enough to remove the stain of James' fingers on her flesh. Edward didn't own a brush, so she'd bought one to keep there, too, and used it to coax out the tangles of the previous night before putting her leggings and Edward's shirt back on.

Everyone but Esme was in the kitchen when she got downstairs. Her father had arrived; eyes red-rimmed and bloodshot, he stood off to the side, quietly talking to Jake. There was a tray of pastries and a box of coffee on the island, and Alice had brought her a bag of clothes.

She was barely holding on to her sanity, between worrying about Edward and trying to make sense of the previous night, and though she appreciated the support, seeing the kitchen full of people didn't help. If anyone tried to hug her or ask her how she was doing, she knew she'd go to pieces. Thankfully, they seemed to realize this.

Charlie inspected her from across the room, and Bella did her best to ignore him. She was glad he was there, but she knew he had a million questions, and she wasn't ready to talk. He opened up the cupboard and pulled out a mug, filling it with coffee. Grimacing as he caught a close-up look at the bruises on her throat, he placed it on the island in front of her, next to the cream and sugar, and stepped back against the counter.

The mug was blue with a green check mark. The handle had broken at some point and been glued back on, the ceramic stained where the glaze had cracked over the years. Bella stared at it for a long moment before bursting into tears.

The men looked at each other, in various levels of confusion and panic. Alice moved to comfort Bella, but was waved off by Rosalie. She removed the cup from Bella's line of sight, mouthing "Edward's favorite" before taking her friend by the hand and leading her upstairs.

"I'm sorry," Bella mumbled, flopping down on the bed. Rosalie sat next to her and sighed.

"You're entitled to fall apart right now."

Bella buried her face in her hands and wept. "Why won't he wake up?"

Rosalie cocked an eyebrow. "Maybe you should try being happy that you're alive, for just two minutes. Can you try that?"

Bella sniffled and shook her head.

"I got the gist of what happened last night. Do you realize how fortunate you are?"

Bella was still trying to process it all; everything had happened so quickly. But the details would get mixed up in her head with the ones from before, and then she'd see Edward lying on the floor and Tyler in a puddle of blood and she'd lose it all over again. The only thoughts that didn't drive her to tears were the ones of Rosalie.

"You were with me," Bella whispered after a few minutes. "In my head, instructing me."

She _was_ aware that she was lucky to be alive. James had been high and pissed off, and he'd come to kill her, like she knew he would. Rosalie had taught her the knife hand move only once, after Bella had asked if there was really a way to kill a man with your bare hands, like they did on TV. She'd been calm but frighteningly serious as she explained that it was a life-and-death move she should only ever use as a last resort.

"You saved my life." She looked at Rosalie then, who shook her head, denying Bella's assertion. "I didn't hit him right, or hard enough, I guess… it didn't kill him. But I'm alive because of you."

Rosalie wanted to tell Bella she saved herself, but the words stuck in her throat. Instead, she squeezed her friend's hand.

"Rosie!" Emmett's frantic voice echoed up the stairwell. The girls jumped off the bed; Bella took the stairs two at a time with Rosalie right on her heels. When they reached the kitchen, Alice was sobbing, jumping up and down in front of Jasper. Emmett was leaned over the kitchen sink. Leah and Jake were wrapped up in each other's arms. Charlie stood in awkwardly in the corner next to Carlisle, who was on the phone with Esme.

Bella's eyes filled with tears. "What's going on? What happened?"

Emmett spun around and took three long strides to Rosalie. He lifted her off the ground, a grin spreading across his face, and clutched his fiancé to his chest. "He's awake, baby."

Bella looked at the phone in Carlisle's hand, and then at both fathers. Carlisle hung up the phone and nodded in confirmation. "He's asking for you."

* * *

**Time to queue The Doors… 'cause this is the end of the story. There WILL be an epilogue, in a few weeks or so. If you enjoyed this story, I'd appreciate you recc'ing it, tell your friends, tell your neighbors… **

**Not sure when I'll start up another fan fic, because I'm actually working on a novel right now, but if you follow me on Twitter (moxieandmirth) I'll make sure to keep you updated!**

**One last thing: Please take a moment to check out the following website, which will show you (with pictures) how a knife hand strike is done, so if you're ever in a situation where you'd need it, you'll be able to use it. (remove spaces):**

**http:/ www. selfdefense-4-women .com/ knife-hand-strike .html**


	22. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: Twilight's not mine. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Endings are my weakness. But I'm learning. Thanks for all the great feedback. For anyone who is interested, I can PM you the last scene of the story, which I cut because it didn't flow with the pace of the rest of the chapter, but which gives you a tiny bit more B/E. I know some of you had wished for more/longer/happier, and know that as I rewrite this, I'm thinking of all of these things. Your reviews have been incredibly helpful and I appreciate you.**

**Now, for what you came for:**

* * *

Undulating burgundy ribbons, hung from planter's hooks buried in the sand, formed the aisle that divided his family from hers. The guests were dressed for a beach party. The groom wore a short-sleeve white shirt and khaki shorts; the bride, a coral linen sundress. Bella happily wiggled her toes in the sand, relishing the silky warmth beneath her feet. The flower girl, a thin creature with russet skin and red toenails, dressed in a white cotton sundress with a coral sash, was also barefoot. Bella wove her fingers through Edward's as the ceremony began. He smiled at the diamond ring that adorned her finger, and lifted their hands to kiss the symbol of his eternal devotion.

When it was over, Jake lifted his bride and spun her around. Leah laughed and kissed him, not with the formality of a wedding kiss, but with the intimacy of a woman truly in love. Bella wiped a joyful tear from her cheek, then bent down and gave the flower girl a hug. "You did a great job, Sarah. Look at all the pretty flowers!" She pointed at the make-shift aisle to their left; dozens of white rose petals rested on the sand.

"Is it time for the perception now?" asked the dark-haired girl, tugging restlessly at the flower in her hair.

Bella stifled a giggle. "It sure is. Are you hungry?"

"Yeah. Are you and Uncle Edward staying for the party?"

Edward took the flower girl's hand. "Of course we are. You promised you'd dance with me!"

Jake and Leah stood just inside the doors to the reservation's gymnasium, greeting the guests as they entered the reception. Behind them, tables from the school's cafeteria were decorated simply with linen tablecloths, burgundy-colored ribbons, and ivory pillar candles. A teenage tribal member stood behind a small table with three boom boxes and a box of CD's, acting as DJ for the evening. Edward and Bella led Sarah to their table. Billy and Charlie joined them a few minutes later.

"Papa, I don't have no more flowers." Sarah pouted on Billy's lap, holding a small wicker basket.

"I know. You did a very good job making the aisle beautiful for your mother to walk down."

The pout turned into a grin. "I did?"

Billy nodded. "Why don't you go with Auntie Bee and get some food?" Sarah threw her legs over her grandfather's wheelchair and hopped down, grabbing Bella's hand and dragging her to the buffet table.

A slow song came on just as Bella got Sarah situated with her dinner. Jake knelt down and placed his giant hand on Sarah's shoulder. "Mmm, that sure looks good, Sare-bear. I'm going to steal Auntie Bee for a minute, okay?" Sarah nodded. Jake stole a piece of watermelon from her plate and popped it in his mouth quickly, looking at her innocently. She tried to glare, but he made funny faces that made her giggle.

"I'll make you a plate," she teased as Jake led Bella to the dance floor.

Jake took her left hand and placed his left around her waist as they moved slowly to the rhythm of the song. "Thanks for helping with Sarah today. I was afraid she'd be bored or feel left out."

Bella smiled. "You know how much we love her, Jake. Any time with her is a joy for us." She glanced at their table, where Sarah was flanked by her grandfather and 'uncle'. She and Edward appeared to be having an eating contest, and Sarah was giggling like crazy. "You and Leah have raised an amazing little girl."

Jake pulled Bella in a little closer, a mid-dance hug. "You can borrow ours anytime, but don't you think you want one of your own?"

Bella's expression was unreadable. "Maybe."

Jake read her mind like words on a page. "You will be a great mother. You are not Renee."

Bella chewed her lower lip. "That's what Edward says."

"I knew there was a reason I liked that pretty boy."

When the song ended, Jake kissed his best friend on the cheek before returning to Leah, who was hugging her father. Sarah had persuaded Edward to dance with her again, so Bella sat down beside Billy and sipped her soda.

"How is the museum?" Billy asked after a moment.

"Working in a museum is a dream job. I love it."

"And the hospital?"

"Oh, uh, I'm teaching classes every Wednesday night and Saturday afternoon." Billy nodded encouragingly; he wanted her to continue. She took a deep breath and shrugged. "You know, the girls work really hard, for the most part, and the hospital provides a lot of helpful services to help them heal. It's hard sometimes, for me, picturing anyone else going through what I did. But I can handle anything that comes my way. And I like showing them that they can, too."

"We've had some issues on the reservation recently," Billy said cautiously. "I thought maybe… would you hold a class here this year? I could arrange the use of the gymnasium again." Billy's voice rang deep with authority, but his question was quiet, unsure.

Bella placed her hand in Billy's and squeezed. "I would be happy to. I'll call you Monday and get the details." He nodded slowly, his eyes on their joined hands.

"Thank you."

Leah took Sarah to the restroom, leaving Jake and Edward on the dance floor without partners. Together, they made their way to the drink table and grabbed a couple beers.

"To a long and happy marriage," Edward toasted, raising his bottle. Jake clinked his against it and grinned. "Sure took you long enough."

Jake laughed. "I knew she was the one a month after I met her. There was no need to rush." Edward looked across the room to where Bella and Billy were talking, and his face lit up. "See, you know what I'm talking about."

Edward chuckled, watching his beautiful wife cradling the old man's hand. After all these years, she still took his breath away.

Sarah soon came running across the dance floor. Jake spread his arms, and she jumped into them. At eight years old she was tall and thin, like Jake had been at that age, but there was no doubt she was her mother's daughter – thick black hair, full lips and a fire inside her.

"Daddy, I want you to dance with me now."

Jake smiled and kissed her forehead. "I thought you'd never ask."

Edward and Bella left the wedding around 10pm, and drove home to their condo near the hospital in Seattle. It was a lovely, spacious three-bedroom home with a stunning view of Mt. Rainier, less than 30 minutes from Edward's parents. Though they had been there four years, Bella still grinned every time she walked in the door.

While Edward showered, Bella hung up her dress and took off her earrings, placing them in the jewelry box that had been a wedding gift from Esme. She slipped on a sleep shirt and sat on a pillow in the corner of the room for her evening meditation. They met up in bed a few minutes later, Bella resting on Edward's chest, his fingers sliding softly through her hair.

"Have you changed your mind about tomorrow?" he asked quietly.

Bella shook her head. "No. He didn't stick around to watch me die. I feel no particular obligation to extend the courtesy to him."

"Closure?" he offered.

"I got that a long time ago." She lifted her head and kissed Edward on the lips. "I'm okay. All I need is a nice day with my gorgeous husband."

James had spent years fighting his sentence, and was recently denied the last of his appeals. When they got notice of his execution date, Edward had taken a week's leave from the hospital. He knew he was asking for a lot as a resident physician, but his supervisors were well aware of the situation – the trial had been covered not only in the news in Southern California, but also in the Seattle area – and they were willing to accommodate. Though she took the week off as well, Bella had declined to go to California for his execution. Still, he was prepared for her to change her mind right up to the night before: tonight.

He wrapped his arms around her. "What shall we do then?"

Bella's mind drifted to the ocean side wedding they'd just come from, and grinned. "Let's go see Rose and Emmett. Let's go to the beach."

Edward texted Emmett, then booked a flight to LAX from his laptop. Bella texted Alice to let her know they'd be in the area, and then they climbed under the covers and turned off the light. She returned to her husband's open arms, resting her head on his chest, and listened as his breath and heart rate slowed to a sleep state. It took her longer to find sleep, herself. She focused her thoughts on reuniting with her brother-in-law and friends and spending a few sunny days on the beach, surrounded by people she loved. Eventually she drifted off, and it wasn't long before she slipped into a dream.

In the dream, the whole gang was spending the day at the beach. A boombox played music nearby. Jasper and Edward were at the grill in t-shirts and board shorts, drinking beers and making dinner. Emmett and Jake were shirtless and wet, tossing around a football near the water, not far from Sarah, who was skimboarding on the foamy water that lapped at the shore.

The girls sunbathed nearby; Bella in her tank and shorts, Alice and Leah in black bikinis, Rose in white. The smell of burgers and briny ocean air relaxed her, and she closed her eyes, enjoying the heat on her skin. In the distance, Sarah shrieked, causing Bella to jolt up and look for her. When she spotted her, Jake was swinging her in the air.

Bella chuckled and turned her gaze to the grill, looking for Edward. That's when she saw a familiar figure a half-mile up the shore, limping slowly toward her.

He was clean-shaven; his hair was long and pulled back at the nape. His leather jacket was glaringly inappropriate for the hot summer day, though none of the other beach-goers appeared to notice. Head cocked to the side, his amused gaze was fixed on little Sarah. Jake's back was turned, unaware that his little girl was in danger, and Bella shouted James' name to divert his attention.

It worked; he stopped in his tracks and smirked, watching her intensely as she glared at him. Though it was 90 degrees, a shiver ran up her spine. "Rose," she whispered hoarsely. Rosalie did not answer. She simply pointed at Buster, lying in the sand, before rolling over to give her back some sun time.

Edward kissed the top of Bella's head and handed her a burger. James watched him carefully as he walked away, but made no move to come closer.

The sun set on their party some three hours later, no one mentioning the leather-clad intruder standing motionless on the periphery.

Bella awoke at 5am. It was officially tomorrow: Execution Day. She laid on her side, staring at the inkling of lavender daylight filtering through the blinds, and realized how much she had expected today to mean to her. But his death would not, _could not_, erase him from her life. There was no fresh start for her, no clean slate. He'd left an imprint on her soul, and she would carry it with her the rest of her life. But in the past decade, she had learned to let it fade into the background – a mere pixel in the image of her life. These dreams were just that – images passing through her mind during sleep. She would not be defined by them.

She rolled over and rested her cheek on her husband's chest. He stirred slightly, kissing the top of her head and wrapping an arm around her. "Love you," he murmured.

Letting go of the dream, Bella smiled and sighed, relaxing into his embrace. "I love you, too."

**~ The End ~**

* * *

**Twilight Trivia: Jacob Black's mother's name was Sarah. But you knew that, didn't you? **

**One last shout out to my friends and betas, Ms CVG and Louise Clark, and the rest of you who helped me along the way with kind reviews, PM's, pre-reads, research questions… You rock my world.**

**Thank you all for joining me on this journey – my first fan fic AND first full-length story. **


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